Day Zero.

[DayZero]

I've quit a lot of things. Some lasted, some didn't. I've quit smoking and I've quit maintaining some toxic relationships. Those have stuck.

I've also quit gaming, porn binging, drinking heavily, attacking myself emotionally, and more. Those didn't stick.

So, for the umpteenth time, I'm starting to quit again. I've got the 30 day challenge and the other big book.

Fact is, I don't want to quit. I don't want to give up the thrill of virtual achievements, the challenge and reward of strategizing as I pass out at 1 a.m., ready to be better, faster, and go further the next day. I don't want to stop contributing to a community, to give up the pride from teaching new players, the camaraderie of the troubleshooting forums and the cohesion of community frustration.

Sure, right now I see how all these things can be gained in real life. I've had this realization so many times that it's both disgusting and depressing. I'm also sick of being angry and jealous at the people I see succeeding at my dreams. I'm sick of lying when people ask how I'm doing. I'm sick of avoiding old friends for shame of what I haven't accomplished.

So, here's Day Zero of quitting again.

[Cam Adair]

Welcome! One day at a time.

[Reno F]

I'm also sick of being angry and jealous at the people I see succeeding at my dreams. I'm sick of lying when people ask how I'm doing.

 

I know the feeling too well!

Welcome, DayZero! Good luck on your journey!

[Simon E]

Welcome! Words can be so terribly insufficient, but still: I believe you can quit, for real. It sucks and its hard and the cravings may never go away completely, but you can do it. You're in good company now, atleast.

[Matt]

Hey, welcome to the gamequitters. I too had to quit many bad habits, and in my own experience porn is hardest to quit, but also the most rewarding. If you're anything like me, you will come to actually decide to quit, from that point on it will be much easier. Good luck and enjoy the journey.

[notKosmic]

Whenever I quit one thing, another thing replaces it.  It never stuck with me until I began to replace the time with good things--real things.  Find your real passions.  Enjoy the ride!

[DayZero]

Day 1.  Just counting days. Trying to swap time killers with positives. Staying downtown tomorrow instead of in my suburban isolation. Reminding myself that this is for me.
I'm supplementing game challenge with learning databasing with OpenOffice Base on my Mac. There's hints of camaraderie in the troubleshooting forums, challenge to strategize against, and a wisp of pride for learning a difficult system just to better myself.
I think that focus on myself is absolutely vital. I'm toxically good at knowing the wants of others to the point of forgetting my own. So, self-focus is vital, but fragile. So, probably not gonna like any one else's statements.*

*Really, I think I'm afraid of disappointing others and too used to abandonment by intended supporters.*

Edited October 6, 2016 by DayZero
clarification

[Terra]

Fact is, I don't want to quit. I don't want to give up the thrill of virtual achievements, the challenge and reward of strategizing as I pass out at 1 a.m., ready to be better, faster, and go further the next day. I don't want to stop contributing to a community, to give up the pride from teaching new players, the camaraderie of the troubleshooting forums and the cohesion of community frustration.

This is the stone that will drag you back into the well.

Edited October 4, 2016 by Terra

[DayZero]

Shoot. Day Zero again. Avoided porn and games for three-ish days, but eventually I hit a wall and anxiety teamed with feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. Shit, I can't even contact my academic advisor, get into counseling, or even maintain easy goals like jogging daily, no matter how low I drop the bar. I've trapped myself in a cycle of being too intimidated to do things that would make things better, self-hating, and setting up more barriers to success. Heck, stray thought: I might be sabotaging myself for ego defense and to assuage a cornucopia of guilt.

Quick Big question Cam and peers. How do I use this journaling effectively? Like, how do I know when I've written or shared enough?
While journaling, I go through emotional phases with seconds of optimism spread throughout. I start these logs feeling anxious, defeated, and judged. That's always first. Later, I'll feel angry, like this is a waste of my time, and I want to blame my life on everyone around me, even this little support community here. Eventually, I don't know, I feel queasy and tired, like I jogged a mile trying not to throw up from a hangover, and I wonder if I'm even doing this right. I worry: is journaling helping me, am I good at this, is it worth it, am I a loser for doing this, is this just building an illusion that I'm making progress or trying, are respondents encouraging me to protect their own illusion, and a thousand more doubts to unpack. Shoot, if I am supporting the illusion of someone's progress, is that my responsibility?


Oh, and I always feel that I should be writing this better, more succinctly, clearer, and I have to stop myself from editing myself into silence.

[flingaas]

Welcome, mate! 

I can relate! I've always been jealous of people exploring the world, because that what's I've really wanted to do.

Quitting for the sake of quitting is really hard. It probably won't stick. But if you have a dream/motivation you'll be game-free in no time! I'm glad you have the book! It'll give you great guidance on the way!