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Octsober Country - Let's do this


Octsober
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On 1/25/2021 at 3:15 AM, Cam Adair said:

Hey bro just popping in to say hi. Sorry to hear about your job. Rooting for you. 🙏

Hey Cam - I appreciate it. 

I'm actually doing rather well. Haven't gamed in 18 days. Reading a ton. Feels pretty good. 

Hope you're well. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 26, 

I've read 9 books since the new year. I average about 100 pages a day. Feels great to be focused again in this old art. 

Started writing again. Focused more on being active. Overall self investment. 

Though my initial anxieties are thoughts concerning finding work, what that work is, and what I intend to do with my current girlfriend. These are two big questions I don't quite have the answer to, but I do know that what I feel current when around my gf isn't very positive, something I've been taking account of and intend to make a decision in May when our lease is up. 

Things feel lighter now. It feels that I am able to make decisions more clearly. I hope that I am able to invest in myself enough so that I can, one day, help others. 

Hope all of you are finding the answers to your questions on this path. 

Wishing well. 
-Oct. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 44, 

I'm 14 books in for the year. A mixture of fiction and writing. 

I've joined a writing group, thus far we meet every other Monday. 

I've signed up for a game design master class (specifically tabletop games) in regards to moving my business forward. 

There's a lot of things i've been doing to help myself improve myself, but yet, I can't help but feel empty. Not quite sure why that is? Maybe my brain reconfiguring itself? One thing I can say is that it feels better to finish books rather than games, even though when I did game, I'd only play one game. 

Keep on keeping on. 

All the best, 
-Oct

Edited by Octsober
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6 hours ago, Octsober said:

There's a lot of things i've been doing to help myself improve myself, but yet, I can't help but feel empty. Not quite sure why that is? Maybe my brain reconfiguring itself?

Hey Octsober, 

I felt this a few days ago. For me it was because I felt like I wasn't living my life to the fullest, and now I am on a journey to try to do that. Something I realized with it though is that some days we will just feel dissatisfied with our work for the day. I think it's a normal thing, or we will just feel empty like you said. I'm not entirely sure what the emptiness would be in your case, it could be dissatisfaction or a hidden feeling of loneliness or whatever. It could be anything. My best guess is that it's something with games. Not necessarily urges but even though you feel better finishing books than games in this moment, you just might feel like you're missing another activity you could be doing besides games, like something is calling you to a specific activity but you don't know what that is. I face this feeling a lot and then feel empty because of it, but again it could be anything. I wish you luck on figuring out what's causing the emptiness!

P.S. Nice on finishing 14 books and joining a writing class! Sounds like fun!

Best 

Jason

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On 2/22/2021 at 9:45 PM, Jason70 said:

Hey Octsober, 

I felt this a few days ago. For me it was because I felt like I wasn't living my life to the fullest, and now I am on a journey to try to do that. Something I realized with it though is that some days we will just feel dissatisfied with our work for the day. I think it's a normal thing, or we will just feel empty like you said. I'm not entirely sure what the emptiness would be in your case, it could be dissatisfaction or a hidden feeling of loneliness or whatever. It could be anything. My best guess is that it's something with games. Not necessarily urges but even though you feel better finishing books than games in this moment, you just might feel like you're missing another activity you could be doing besides games, like something is calling you to a specific activity but you don't know what that is. I face this feeling a lot and then feel empty because of it, but again it could be anything. I wish you luck on figuring out what's causing the emptiness!

P.S. Nice on finishing 14 books and joining a writing class! Sounds like fun!

Best 

Jason

Hey Jason, 

Thanks for your words. I've been doing a little better with the emptiness, but today has been a bit intense. I have this feeling of hopelessness. I feel there's still apart of me on a wrong path or that something isn't in place. I have a lot of free time so it's easy to get stuck in deep thought. My current relationship as been rocky. My gf games and takes life slowly, where as i'm looking to make moves and really better myself. Is there a thing with being in an environment that diverges from what you want? 

I'm not blaming her, it's just I try and push her to be a little better and it's often met with resistance / complacency. There's more layers here, but I'll say it's a complex issue that doesn't need to be one, but is. Not good to say, but part of me feels trapped. It's not a bad trapped, but not good either, just 'bleh'. Those of you that share relationships with someone close to you, do you often feel as if you are 'on the same page'? 

Regardless - I continue to read, workout, and take the time to try and invest in myself.  

Thanks again Jason, best to you. 

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Day 61, 

Hey all - still managing to stay away from games. It's odd really. I didn't actually intend on quitting for a prolonged period, but I do like being outside the loop. A group of my friends have been playing WoW, but I've been able to understand doing that wouldn't provide any value to me. 

I'm at 18 books for the year. I like being able to read and when I do find the time to socialize, it helps me facilitate conversation (sometimes). Though all this reading i've been really asking myself what I want to do next. I really don't want to work another job just for the sake of having a job. I've been taking the spare time I have currently to try and work more on my company. At this rate, I may be able to finish a project by summertime, but we'll see what happens. 

I use this place as a sort of digital journal. However, if anyone is reading this just know that you're here for a reason. Hear yourself out and try to give yourself some time to figure that out. It's about the journey not the destination. 

Keep at it
-Oct

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Day 79, 

21 books for the year. Back at the gym. Been reading up on how to run a Kickstarter. 

Odd question: How can you tell what you're doing is what really fires you up / sticks? I've been running my business since 2016 within the tabletop games field. I'm not the greatest designer, but what I do enjoy is creating stories and worldbuilding. As I've been on this path of quitting video games, I've been asking myself a very hard question: Is tabletop design the last bastion of what video games was to me? I'm unsure if this is ultimately true, but I do obsess over getting my current game right, mostly because of the uncertainty over small details/game balance. 

This is a double-edged sword for me, as running my company has been the one thing that has stuck with me. Maybe it's fear? Fear of trying to get this year right. I've gone to Kickstarter before and failed miserably (and rightfully so). As I'm still currently unemployed, using this opportunity to really take my company seriously seems like the right move. 

In the end, I just want to tell the truth and give something back. I want to provide something valuable and do cool stuff. 

Hope you're all working toward the things that fulfill you. 

-Oct

Edited by Octsober
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Day 89, 

26 Books for the year. 

I've been closely reviewing my relationship with my company and I'm seriously considering pivoting into graphic novels. I've struggled throughout the years, on getting the mechanics of the board games I've made, to what I find acceptable. It's also possible I've somehow taken some negative aspect of how I work on my stuff, similarly to how I played games. 

It's been a hard question: What do I really value? I've founded my company on this world I've made and refined over the years. Why not just convert to a medium where the focus is the story? Makes sense right?

Business / creative stuff aside, I feel something's missing. I've yet to find another medium that recharges my batteries, so I've been more uneasy / easily spent. I've been dealing with this large weight of what to do. I'm 32 and i'm unemployed. I'm not broke and I'm pretty good with my finances. What concerns me most is, once again, falling into this trap of working a job I just don't care about. I want to do something that provides value, long term, and not just for me, but for others.

If you're on this path, take a look on what matters to you, and start there (sheesh, sounds like I should take my own advise :D). 

All the best, 
-Oct 

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