Fagus' journal

[Marquess]

If you want immersion back, I suggest you start drinking while gaming. Works really well. :^)

I honestly believe that when the thoughts about gaming come, and they will sooner or later, it's best not to resist them too hard. I find it easier to let them run out by themselves instead of trying to suppress their presence, and it's been working fine for me; I think about gaming a lot less than I did a month ago.

But if it happens, that's fine too. (And by gaming I mean the actual act of gaming.)

[Marquess]

A shame that you are almost exactly my age but so much further on this path.

Very much this.

We'll outdo him though :^^^^^^^^).

[Fagus]

Day 10:

This day I drove to the back side of the mountains and went for a walk through some magical forest with my girlfriend. I find it increasingly easy to listen to my girlfriend and let her finish speaking. At least when walking through a magical forest. Since I am a forester, I noticed that this magical forest was quite in shape, not as run down as the forest on the other side of the mountains, where I work. Maybe one day I can work on this side of the mountains.

I asked myself how I can change my life into a good life. Since I am not religious, I have to rely on philosophy. I found a resource about all the famous philosopher. You can also download all the audios there. I did so and will listen to them when I drive to work into my not so magical forest on the wrong side of the mountains.

[Cam Adair]

A shame that you are almost exactly my age but so much further on this path.

Very much this.

We'll outdo him though :^^^^^^^^).

I hope so! 

[Marquess]

A shame that you are almost exactly my age but so much further on this path.

Very much this.

We'll outdo him though :^^^^^^^^).

I hope so! 

We won't forget you when we're famous.

[Daniel]

“The best time to start anything was yesterday. The 2nd best time to do it, is always today.”

[Fagus]

Day 11:

I struggle strongly.

I know exactly what I need to change my life, but the problems that pushed me into gaming are still there. I had a good reason to escape from my life into gaming. I'm not sure if it is the right time and the right circumstances to face these problems now since this requires an amount of energy, I might lack at the moment.

[Cam Adair]

You will always lack the energy to make the change you need until you make a decision that you are committed to changing no matter what - "lack of energy" be damned. You can do this.

[Marquess]

Day 11:

I struggle strongly.

I know exactly what I need to change my life, but the problems that pushed me into gaming are still there. I had a good reason to escape from my life into gaming. I'm not sure if it is the right time and the right circumstances to face these problems now since this requires an amount of energy, I might lack at the moment.

“The best time to start anything was yesterday. The 2nd best time to do it, is always today.”

You're still very early in your detox; you don't have to face anything right now. Just relax, tbh. Keep active and work on positive habits, but imo it doesn't make sense to even attempt anything too great before day 30 or even later.

What you're doing can be extremely difficult; it's so important not to underestimate your addiction to gaming. Personally, I view it in a similar way as society typically sees the addiction to heroin. And I say this without trying to be dramatic.

Hang in there, man.

[Daniel]

  

It is always important to understand the reality of any situation that you might come across. Instead of trying to avoid reality, face it head on and run over it like a freight train. This is called success. 

[tirEdOrange]

I also have all of a sudden a harder urge to relapse, I guess this is kind of "normal". Maybe the first hype is gone and now it's pure willpower that is needed. It gets quite tough but stay strong, I have the same feelings at the moment but time is your friend not your enemy. The more time we get through the detox the more we will get "normal" and appreciate other things again I guess. Don't worry too much about it, just let the time flow and swim and relax in the time-river

They didn't build Rome in 11 Days as well didn't they? ^^

[Cam Adair]

Yep, some days will be easier than others. hang in there.

[Daniel]

 

I also have all of a sudden a harder urge to relapse, I guess this is kind of "normal". Maybe the first hype is gone and now it's pure willpower that is needed. 

According to our fellow member Marquess, this process is called the pink cloud and it's part of the detox process.

[Fagus]

Day 12-13:

Well, the last days were hard, I relapsed for a day, but let's focus on positive aspects. I got a new treatment today which makes me very optimistic. Let's see what the next days will bring.

It's nice, that I value to be part of this community higher than gaming.

 

[Cam Adair]

It's nice, that I value to be part of this community higher than gaming.

Happy you're a part of this community.

[Fagus]

Day 14:

While I was gaming, I was the backbone of my community. Not a leader, but widely known and respected for my skill and personality. I used this to compensate the disease, that socially isolated me in real life and to soothe the constant pain it caused.

Over the last years and through different treatments, my state improved and though I finished my studies and met my girlfriend, I still kept on gaming. I now understand, that I've spent the last five years or so, to regain those fulfilling feelings in games, while still holding up the illusion of leading a normal life. This led me to leading two half lifes, resulting in no success in none of them. I had not enough time to really get into gaming again and not enough time to accomplish anything in real life.

At present, I realize that the only way to get these feelings back is in my real life. I am way to old and to numb in the matters of gaming, that I could immerse myself in that way again without the doubt of self-deception.

The fortunate news are, that I am in a new promising treatment since yesterday. I don't feel so tired anymore and got more energy. This might be the best point to get things started. I feel calm now, not really excited, which is a good sign I suppose. After all, it is a normal life I want to have, so feeling normal might be the best start.

I feel grateful for this community. Beeing part of this is something that feels good. It feels special to be on the way of self improvement with so many others on your side. There is a lot of positive energy. The next step will be to identify how I can regain that feeling of beeing respected for my skills and my personality in a community, but this time in my real life. This my real desire that pushes me forward. It is easier to keep that, but turn it into a better direction, than fighting against it. This will be my way out of gaming into my new life. Into my real life.

Thanks everyone so far for the awesome support.

 

 

 

 

[Cam Adair]

I feel calm now, not really excited, which is a good sign I suppose.

Yes. Feeling grounded in this new journey is crucial. You're on the right path now.

[Daniel]

Really impressed with your honesty. Like you said about your relapse, cut your loses and focus on avoding any more damage.

Try to see if there was a pattern or an igniter that made you relapse.

Mind if I ask you what's your treatment?

[Marquess]

I suppose 1 day could be viewed as a slip and not a relapse. An actual relapse would mean you'd have to reset the day counter at least if you want to your 90 days to mean anything. We've had this debate before here, and Cam basically said he won't police anyone, and that it's on each individual to decide what counts as a relapse (and not a slip).

Personally I'd say that a slip lasts a few hours, one gaming session, and that anything more that one day is in the relapse territory. If there were a person who came by and said "hey gusy, I had a slip for 3 days teehee", I'd correct them.

Your attitude seems really good though. Almost getting excited about your progress especially since I played WoW myself as well. (And I know the joys and pains of being an officer/GM; I think it got me qualified to work in a kindergarten.)

Ditto on Daniel's treatment question.

[Reno F]

Showing my respect to you.

I'll be following!

[Fagus]

Day 15-16:

Since this is an open forum, I won't go into detail, but the treatment is simply a new medicine. If anyone is interested, maybe via pm, but it's not a happy story and doesn't help with any mental problems, if you had hopes into that direction.

 

I've read a lot of Montaigne and Epikur these days. I have always been interested in philosophy and wisdom. I hope this can help in creating a new way of life. Epikur's advice has been so far, that you should indulge in your desires as long as you don't suffer in the long term. I think this is comprehensible. We all know the feeling of grief after the short period of joy when you relapse or give in to other things you should have better not. But I also like the thinking, that desires are not bad per se.

 

This weekend I will go on a short trip with my girlfriend. The prospect of this trip feels way better than when I was still gaming. Cause trips were just a obstacle keeping you from gaming. Let's see how enjoyable this weekend will be.

 

 

 

 

[Piotr]

Surely you will overcome difficulties! Best wishes!

[Cam Adair]

The prospect of this trip feels way better than when I was still gaming. Cause trips were just a obstacle keeping you from gaming. Let's see how enjoyable this weekend will be.

Great insight!  

[Fagus]

Day 17-19:

The weekend trip was gorgeous. I drove to my parents house with my girlfriend. My parents are visiting my sister at the moment, so we had the house for us. We went swimming in the lakes I grew up with, went to the cinema twice (watched "tomorrow" and "InnSaei"), ate out, read some books on the terrace in the sun and played board games. No computer at all, no TV and we both don't own a smartphone.

I had a lot of time to think about my situation. I developed some kind of confidence, that I can actually deal with my life. I have certain skills and abilities I can make use of to get along. I had a lot of long and profound conversations with my girlfriend on how we want to live our lifes. What things are important to us. It really brought us closer together.

I got a low self-worth. I am not fond of myself. I therefore try to devaluate others in my thoughts in order to guard myself. I realized this in conversation with my girlfriend. Yes, we can talk about those things, now that I am no longer occupied with gaming. But the way to achieve more acceptance is by accepting others. I got my flaws I can not get rid of, but accepting these flaws and not hiding them is what makes a person personable.

I want to improve my english. I am already improving just by writing this diary.

 

Day 20:

Today was a very unproductive day. I have a strong desire for procrastination. Watched one of cams videos. I ought to develope focus. Focus on a thing for 10-20 minutes, then have a short break. Little bursts of concentration. Become aware of emotions that build up, deal with them in a healthy way before they overpower me. Learning to meditate? Finding a temporary escape that does not involve gaming, mindless browsing, watching videos. I love just sitting somewhere in nature and watch my surroundings. This calms me down. I refocus on why I do what I do. Why is it important to me?

This is all just about escapism. I do not want to take responsibility for my life. This is the theme behind everything. I don't need gaming. Prior to gaming I fled into books. As a young boy I read through whole shelves in our local library. And I don't even need books. I can hide in my own mind, creating fantasies I can turn to. Everything is welcome that get's me away from my life, away from the task that is resting upon my shoulders. The task to take over accountability. To lead my life. But why? Why do I fear beeing in charge so much? Is it my uncertainty of beeing capable to succeed? At least, I am not responsible if I am not in charge. Then I can blame someone or something else. The fear of failing. This will keep me occupied the next time. Though I should be studying all day long cause my crucial exams are in no more than three weeks. Any suggestions?

 

[Reno F]

Hey Fagus, I can relate to some of the things you said.

What do you think of the 20 minute focus approach?

Also, if you have a problem with fear, there is the great book called "Feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers.