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Karpet's Daily Journal.


karpet
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so much of our life is the narrative that we tell ourselves.

At the age of seven I started acting. from the age of 7-15 I was a gainfully employed actor. I did tv shows, commercials, and movies. It is not an easy life. Generally speaking I would have 3 auditions a week which meant memorizing 3 sets of lines, presenting myself in front of casting directors 3 times a week, and getting rejected 3 times a week. weekends were spent attending acting seminars where I was to develop my craft, then when I actually got a job it was 16 hours on set. Because I was a union member I was entitled to union rates and if I am not mistaken at the time the base rate was $80/hour. It was good. But, it was also expensive. Head shots, management fees, gas/transport, acting lessons were all part and parcel of the gig. I was lucky enough to spend the remainder of my earnings building a cedar strip canoe with my grandfather when I was 16. I think I maybe broke even in the industry.

A core thing happened at the age of 15 when I moved from the city I was living in to the city I was born in. I decided that I needed to be a kid, ride my bike, hangout, and have fun. This was actually something I needed to do, but it wasn't what my peer base in my high school was doing. Everyone I went to high school with was focused on getting good grades, saving money, and getting into university. This meant girls too. At the time I couldn't understand for the life of my why I wasn't getting a date. Now when I go on Facebook, and see the girls I was chasing have rock solid careers in one of the toughest labor markets in the country, and also have condos in the most inflated housing market in the country, I can understand what they were doing, and why hanging out with me wasn't as big of a priority as setting themselves up for the future. 

But I didn't understand any of this at the time. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I left the city I was born in and returned the city I am in now. I worked, I saved, I had fun, but I also aimed to get back to the city I was born in. another horrendous thing happened, I moved back to the city I was born in! I had been gone 4 years at this point, and everyone I knew had finished university and were on the next phase of their life. So, while I had spent  4 years thinking something was wrong with me, that gap between me and everyone else, that same gap I experienced in high school, widened. This widening only further baked into my mind the idea that there was something wrong with me. I was devastated. 

I didn't deal with this gap well. I didn't deal with life very well. I couldn't abstract the idea that I was on my very own unique path, that I couldn't compare myself with other people because I hadn't experienced what other people had experienced. I didn't have the mindset to look at myself and my journey in its completeness, nor the journey and mindset of others and make a comparative analysis.

I had spent about 8-10 years up to this point thinking there was something wrong with me. It's a shitty problem to have because all kinds of people come out of the woodwork offering a solution of sorts. different shapes, and different offers, but all the same. hope is the most addictive drug on the market. it can totally sidetrack you from getting to where you need to go.

by writing the above it helps to put into context my life. I'm fortunate this time round in my journal to have thought about this narrative for quite some time so I know that it is a complete idea. I'm mostly documenting it for posterity's sake.

It's tough to stand and survey the land, and realize things are good. its tough to create a new narrative, and its tough to make it. ultimately though, you gotta do it. 

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something I wrote months and months ago, I read it over today, I think its great.

I did drugs, I did them very frequently. I spent money I didn’t have, I spent all the money I could on drugs. I like drugs, they’re fantastic and I think more people should do drugs.

I like drugs because they unlock a vision of what is possible for the human body to experience. With enough practice and focus an individual can reach whatever state they desire through their own means without drugs, but its drugs that allow you to realize what is possible.

The biggest downside to drugs, outside of giving the perspective of what is possible, they do very little else. In effect they do virtually nothing both on the upside or the downside, a person could in theory forever be stuck in a limbo of sorts, depending on where that limbo is it could actually be quite awesome.

I didn’t stop doing drugs because I couldn’t go on so to speak, in the made for tv movie drama kinda way. Depending on how you live your life what social and economic bracket you are in, doing drugs is a non-issue. Essentially, I could live my life forever being a functioning drug addict and not really cause any massive waves. There’s a certain reality, where people who ascribe to it, see it as a non-issue, because ultimately it is a non-issue. Again in reference to the above, it doesn’t add or subtract anything.

Such might be the case made for designer jeans, they’re something, if and only if they fill in the narrative. I can tell you there’s nothing special about a sheet of cotton assembled by teenagers in Romania worth the $400 I spent on a pair of jeans. But, if you choose to ascribe to the ideas of craftsmanship, marketing hype, exclusivity, design, or materialism then obviously designer jeans fill in the narrative you have in your mind.

Small minds.

That’s what makes the whole story of drugs so ridiculous. The laws, the gangs, the murders, the life. It’s like the newspaper that’s written at a grade 8 level that 80% of the population reads to discuss over the instant coffee, coffee break. Really, you really care about ISIS? But going back to the beginning, I like drugs (I REALLY LIKE DRUGS), I like them because they…

Expand the mind.

But that’s fucking trite if you never use that insight and never endeavor for greatness. In little rooms all over the globe ex-junkies huddle together mumbling fucking odes to an idealized life, a normal life. Really, you spent $30,000+ a year because you wanted to feel normal? Fuck me.

I for one want to be fucking fantastic. AND HERES THE THING. I know I can. Why? CAUSE I DID DRUGS. Mind you, that feeling –while possible- is EXTREMELY easy when doing drugs. Why every morning did I feel like a bag of shit? Probably cause I fucking realized, that the greatness I felt came at no cost.

I stopped doing drugs because I wanted to feel the pain and suffering of working towards greatness. I wanted to achieve greatness through effort, work, and sacrifice. I stopped doing drugs cause I knew I could go on, that I’d get there, that there were enough resources available to guide me along to reach the states I wanted to reach but only if I worked at it. There are no bad days, only days to iterate on.

Go buy those drugs, go do those drugs, revel in that shit, experience all the fucking drugs, figure out what feels best and spend the rest of your life chasing it through hard fucking work. Or don’t, whatever. 

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pretty chill day. spent reading week learning about the oil and gas industry and improving my french. I'm pretty happy about my french because it is really coming along. I should talk about it more in detail later. I just wanted to write something. Going to see a friend later today. I'll probably journal afterwards.

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I guess I'll talk about french

strangely, You decide how your life is going to be. 

You decide what you can do what you cant do what you will do and what you should do. I've done this time and time again.

it is not strange for me to think about or do.

One day I woke up and decided. Okay, I can speak french.

Okay Okay, it wasn't one day, I said it a few times. but one day I connected with it. hard.

I know I cant speak perfectly. but I can't speak English perfectly either. And one day, through circumstance, I found myself talking English. Actually it was a lot of work. but, my situation bread the reality where I had to learn English and be good at it. 

I think its important to think about that. because, at some point I had gotten over my impediment, and spoke... and spoke, and spoke, and spoke. I think its all I've ever done. It took a lot of confidence to talk (and write) and I think I wasted a lot of time talking and writing because my head got too big.

now, I remember vividly the struggles and work I had to do to become good at English, it was a real pain point. but I also remember the joy I felt (referenced above with my head getting too big because I found a great amount of joy over coming that issue) and I am lucky now, that I can experience maybe the reverse of this. 

By accepting I can speak, I can move forward learning how to speak better. read better, write better. This is something I want to do.

Why?

It fits into the image I have of my life. I think a person (a man, me) of the world ought to know about good food and wine, speak a few foreign languages, play an instrument, be artistic (drawing/photography/painting/etc), well versed in the classics, be handy with their hands (fix machines), be current with world events, all the while succeeding at their career and sharing their lives with rich (not money specifically) individuals. 

I've got some of this, I can improve in others, pick up the rest.

that's all I got for now. 

 

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re: french.

learning French has taught me that I say too much in English. 

I've enjoyed as I mentioned above superfluously using English. Saying everything. However by saying everything, ultimately I'm saying nothing. First, there is the idea of leaving something on the table, like one might in a negotiation. I suppose in a way it is like fishing. If you don't say everything it gives a greater chance for people to say something, contribute, ask questions. People generally like being heard and accommodated for. That void is essential for communication. Lastly though, its the void that is most terrifying. Inherently, the void allows for people to judge me, or reject me. I have felt that at least if I am complete or try to be complete, then the rejection of me is the issue of the other because I've fought to be heard. The fact that I tried, and have not succeeded would be evidence that I have been rejected, and consequently failed. I am at fault. The problem of the other is actually the problem of me.

I only came to this conclusion yesterday. I have however been experimenting with not saying everything. it seems to be valid enough. 

again though, it's the lacking. a sense of lacking in myself, a lacking of completeness. It drives me mad, but it is a commonly occurring topic in my life. I do find it odd just how deep that sense of lacking permeates. I endeavor to continue my reformed speaking. restraint.  

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11 days out from hell period I don't feel like I am crushing it.

I am also not messing up.

not messing up is not winning.

not messing up is zero.

Getting out of debt and getting to zero was an amazing feeling. Being here does not feel amazing. I'm drinking more coffee and more caffeine in general. I do not think that is winning. 

I do not feel like this entry is going anywhere.

I bought more lentils.

I suppose the point of being out of hell period and crushing it needs to be put into context. I still have 9 and a half months left till I am done school. I've only covered about 4% of the time I have left. BUT... I've gone 100% of the last 8 and a half months of not messing up. Gary V says you should question or be upset with yourself after 24 plus months of trying. I've only done 8. I have many many more months. I am doing more things i enjoy (learning french/busted out my sketchbook/reading/school/family/hanging out with awesome people - new awesome people) so its not as if I am failing, and by some measure, I am doing better. However, the whole point of the choice I made to be on this journey was to crush it. I guess though, I should ask myself in 16 months time if I have crushed it and continue now to do work. 

DO WORK.

BE AWESOME.

ciao.

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I was going to write a response to someones journal, but I realized I hadn't flushed the concept fully in my own head so I am here to break it apart. The quotation is my thought.

I find myself constantly doing things because they sound good on paper. however, after some time the "sounds good on paper" effect wears away, and I drop the activity. I have found that having a reason beyond "Sounding good on paper" is crucial to success in doing something. 

is that real. -that is not a question. that question does not answer anything nor allow any topic to be broadened because the simple replay is, is it not real? fuck you.

how often have I done that - once, twice? but maybe everything in my life is based on that? what do you mean? well, that every choice I make is based on some factor outside of the "sounding good on paper"... ...example? well an example will be taken out of context, and 30 examples may show a trend, but it only takes one example to say you are full of shit. so generally what I am contemplating is that I only make decisions when they mean something to me. How could I have made bad decisions? what contributes to me making the decisions that look like the decisions everyone else has made that also makes it look good on paper? do I simply choose which ideas that look good on paper I do based on some factor related to easiness?

to what degree am I certain this is applicable to all areas of life - i suppose like anything, there are no certainties but with a higher number of trials we move towards a position where we can assume things to hold themselves together. 

what is the scale beyond "sounding good on paper"? is it big? is it small? is it about myself? about the world? - I mean depending on what the idea is on paper, the issue beyond could be anything, this would be a case by case basis. but a core issue is that "you should not smoke because you will get cancer" is very different from "x" where you feel x, or can relate to x or where you haven't heard x a thousand times before and x isn't this dull generic reason.

###

I wouldn't say I have fatigued of this topic, but that I am grinding my gears and am not being propositioned with a thought too big to comprehend. lately I have come to realize that when I am exposed to ideas that I cannot comprehend my mind stops working and it is nice. but then after some time, I can comprehend the idea and I move on. it is growth maybe? example? yes

I had four 10 cent pieces. I was complaining that in the real world you cannot explore economic concepts in a low risk fashion. so I went about challenging this. I said I could take a 10 cent piece and get some candy and discuss the value that the candy brought to me, I could take another 10 cent piece and give it to someone, and ask them how that 10 cent piece impacted their life. BUT how could I use a 10 cent piece in an entrepreneurial sense and explore that? well my mind stopped. it was amazing. there were no thoughts in my head. basically I could not comprehend how one would use a 10 cent piece in an entrepreneurial fashion. 

this morning while getting coffee I realized that I could have emailed X number of people, or reached out to X number of people in any medium, and propositioned them on purchasing a printed document, then once the price was secured, and above the 10 cent piece I could simply take the document and get it printed for 10 cents. obviously there is the nature of the document to be described, there is the time on my end and how that relates to the negotiations on price above the cost of printing, and there is the discussion of methodology for lead generation and communication, but, I was able to make that leap, and in making that leap I was able to understand better what makes for successful entrepreneurship. and it took having a problem too big to comprehend. but whats funny about that it that the idea itself wasn't huge that stopped me, it wasnt asking about 10 MILLION or 100 BILLION, it was talking about 10 cents, but the idea that was too big for me was how to take 10 cents and make money with it. so sometimes BIG ideas aren't analogous to BIG THINGS.
 

###

I'm so done writing now.

 

 

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Go buy those drugs, go do those drugs, revel in that shit, experience all the fucking drugs, figure out what feels best and spend the rest of your life chasing it through hard fucking work. Or don’t, whatever. 

Are you sure you're on the right forum.

I'm still trying to decide whether I should reply to this post because I feel like ... I don't ever enter the "debates" where normal people talk about how weed is cool or whatever because what do they know. But I'm slightly shocked this post hasn't yet been ripped to shreds by the community.

You came to a forum that deals with a form of addiction (albeit non chemical, but there's no difference) to talk about the positive sides of taking drugs. I also don't understand your remarks on heroin addicts. Do you understand why people become addicted?

Edited by Marchosias
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Go buy those drugs, go do those drugs, revel in that shit, experience all the fucking drugs, figure out what feels best and spend the rest of your life chasing it through hard fucking work. Or don’t, whatever. 

Are you sure you're on the right forum.

I'm still trying to decide whether I should reply to this post because I feel like ... I don't ever enter the "debates" where normal people talk about how weed is cool or whatever because what do they know. But I'm slightly shocked this post hasn't yet been ripped to shreds by the community.

You came to a forum that deals with a form of addiction (albeit non chemical, but there's no difference) to talk about the positive sides of taking drugs. I also don't understand your remarks on heroin addicts. Do you understand why people become addicted?

You have read my posts in my journal right? I would highly recommend you read my very first post in this journal.

Edited by karpet
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The world seems to be backing me into a corner again with regards to smoking.

Remember – seeing the matrix – the difference this time around was that I wasn’t being pulled or pushed like a rag doll, I was at the center of my world. What does that mean now?

I guess I feel like I am not at the center of my decision making.

But I am.

I am at the center because I’ve made choices that put me here.

There are downsides to all choices.

I thought giving up booze and alcohol was sufficient to move me along the line.

Was quitting your job? –It was valid because I needed to move along a line?

Moving back into your mom’s house? – Sufficient because I had made the choice and I didn’t have a tight conclusion.

My goal was to become successful. It feels like I am becoming less and less successful as time progresses away from the period I decided I was going to become a success. My gut doesn’t seem so accurate when everything I have valued gets stripped away. But, just ask your gut, does this make sense, will it take you further along the line of success? It will. This isn’t a pivot.

I am frustrated because I spent 7 months feeling dead inside and only recently did life come back to me and I got to see myself again as the individual who can move mountains. But now, the world is saying I have to go back to the dearth, to go again. But it doesn’t feel right, but it doesn’t feel right because I am in the fat. Everything feels good, but like the oil rig man who spends all his money during the boom, and scrapes by during the bust, I must temper myself for ultimate gain. I could lose a week, a month., 6 years and much more than time, opportunity, passion, love, just to name a few. All of this again on the idea that, I will get ultimate gain in the end. Sacrifice now, gain later.

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There are a lot of words here, they do not make much sense, but it is a key component of me working through things.

I'm not succeeding. fine.

That is not the point of this journal entry

I was looking at the city that I went to highschool in on google maps. My mother worked in that city, and my grandparents lived in that city. So, even before highschool I had memories associated with that city. Looking at the locations now that meant something to me in the past, I do not feel anything. there was a time, say even a year ago, where looking at those scenes meant something to me. I felt something. Memories. they had a connection, my memories had a connection and through that connection I felt something. 

I do feel something when I look at other things from that very city, but some of the things that I thought meant something didn't mean something. 

I'm not growing.

I'm not moving on.

I look at other people I knew from the time and they got to have the things that I am basing my lack of growth on but in having those things have grown with them. I do not have those things, I want those things, and I am doing things totally separate from those things, but by looking at them I am admitting I havent grown. 

Clearly state what I am saying:

My friends from that time of my life, get to still be friends with each other. I am seen by some of those people as a person who hasn't grown because I still want to hangout with those people. they have reflexively said, "look at us, we have grown, we don't care about the past, we have moved forward" but I see that they are still hanging out with each other. but because I want to hang out with them I am at fault, I haven't grown. because I care about them and I want to know what is going on with them and their lives, somehow I am living in the past, yet they get to hangout with each other and get know about what is going on with each others lives it is okay because they "have grown up"

I guess I havent grown up because I care about them and what they think. 

ABRUPT END TO THOUGHT

I am moving along a line. A like that deviates from the line that I thought I was on. The line that I thought I was on was the line that expressed my identity to a core, it explained why I felt the things I felt and that I could be accepted along this line by following this line. By moving away from this line I would be entering on to a line that didn't speak to me, accept me, or reflect me. But this line that doesn't speak to me or reflect me is the line that I should be on, it is the line that gives me all the things that I want, the good life. 

I had this same issue when I came to graduating school in some way. My line was the avant garde, the outsider, the rebel, the artist. high school and now consequently university is the normative and clearly my line didn't follow that, yet here I was and here I am following it. 

smoking:

rock and a hard place:

smoking doesnt make me feel good, not smoking doesnt make me feel good. If I continue to smoke nothing happens

When I considered stopping drinking and doing drugs I didn't think I would find anything enjoyable ever again, but I knew it was the right thing to do, that somehow it was the key to success. after 7 months life came back and I was enthralled with possibilities. BOOM. I was saddened when I came to realize a new change was demanded -smoking. I was afraid of losing all the excitement, that I would never be able to do anything ever again. This was the same issue I had with drinking and drugs. but everything came back and surprisingly things I thought I was long past came back with a vengeance.  

Again I fear that I will never enjoy life, and more so with recent memory still in effect I am afraid of dealing with the sadness, and moodiness, and the gaping void. I don't want to deal with that. I also know I cannot kid myself and that I have to accept the worked in a new form. I need to make the new shapes and forms, understand their dynamics, and find my perspective within them. I am afraid I will become despondent about school.  

I stopped doing drugs because I wanted to feel the pain and suffering of working towards greatness. I wanted to achieve greatness through effort, work, and sacrifice. I stopped doing drugs cause I knew I could go on, that I’d get there, that there were enough resources available to guide me along to reach the states I wanted to reach but only if I worked at it. There are no bad days, only days to iterate on. 

and so the journey continues. I cant make it suck less, I can only change the way that I view it. yes there will be dark days ahead, but there is the possibility of greatness.

This sounds like hokey bullshit, but I have to see it through.  

journal end

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Why journal are important:

I have a journal that tracks the beginning of this most recent journey that I am on. Given the very new challenge that I have been posed with, I am fortunate enough to have a written account of what I did to solve a problem I had that was similar in the past. writing in a Journal is good when it is honest. There are other times when I try to tease out what is honest, but as long as that process is in earnest, the results are the same. I feel some calm having looked at what I did in the past. 

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Why journal are important:

I have a journal that tracks the beginning of this most recent journey that I am on. Given the very new challenge that I have been posed with, I am fortunate enough to have a written account of what I did to solve a problem I had that was similar in the past. writing in a Journal is good when it is honest. There are other times when I try to tease out what is honest, but as long as that process is in earnest, the results are the same. I feel some calm having looked at what I did in the past. 

Yep! And even if it doesn't feel like you are making progress... you are :)

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I think the value that is ascribed to a learned person is their ability to gather resources and draw from them some utilization to be applied to the world. In days gone by to own a book would have been a monumental accomplishment, books were expensive, and simply being able to find one would have been a feat. Consequently, having books, being able to read, and using that knowledge to impact your world would have been huge. I think it is important to apply yourself, edit, refine, question, repeat. Simply being able to do well on tests isn't the end game. Applying yourself exists outside of the classroom and should 100% be sought after. 

(this is not a complete thought, or, it is a complete thought, but its implications in the sense of "What do I do now?" have not been fully realized, more time is needed to think this through)

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I think the weirdest part of my life today, right now, in this moment, is if you were to ask me what is the best possible outcome my life could have given all of the choices I have made or need to make, I wouldn't be able to give you a concrete answer.

This is a serious problem.

[Edit] well....

that is actually not true.

the best possible outcome is cashing the cheque I wrote to myself.

=== So... ===

what is that worth? 

Edited by karpet
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What is the best possible outcome of everything that I am doing or that I need to do?

Cashing my $10,000,000.00 cheque.

What does the ideal quit look like?

100% zero-physical withdrawal

What about 99%

In the context of my whole life, the amount of time I want to experience withdrawal, is 1 percent?

Could you quit smoking forever?

More specifically could I live the rest of my life without ever once ever smoking a cigarette?

I smoking cigarettes helping me or hindering me towards my goals?

If you had an idealized version of your life, you could map it out, you knew exactly what you wanted, and You knew how to get there. Would you accept it if it were 99% complete?

Well, it is not 100%

So, you make $50,000/year you have the ability to make $1MM/year, but in putting in the effort, you realize you are only going to make $990,000/year.

If you do not put in the effort, are you valuing $1MM at $10,000?

The $940,000/year will be impactful to your life.

You aren’t losing the difference between $1MM and $990,000/year you are losing out on $940,000/year.

The context is key here. You make $50,000/year. You are talking about approximately a 19x return on your effort. If you were an oil and gas firm or something of that nature we may be having a different. But we are talking about a 19x return.

So 19x returns are fun. But what about the other case?

What about a loss. Not the loss of the 1% in the moment, but a long term loss, like going from $50,000/year to $40,000/year. Like forever.

Not worth the change.

In any case you do not know the outcome. You do not know if you are going to make a million dollars, and you do not know if you are going to lose your shirt. In an arena where this is painless, one would take the chance because there is no downside. Yet if I take the chance now, today I face pain, tomorrow I face pain, the day after tomorrow I face pain, and for the foreseeable future all I see is pain. There is no horizon where things look positive. Consequently if I choose to not to take the chance then it is clear I am not a risk taker. Further, ultimately I am concluding that I am happy with my existence.

I think that’s the game.

“sacrifice” is only fun when nothing is at stake. That is the loser’s game. Am I a loser?

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It's good to have big visions, and now it's about bringing them into smaller projects we can work on that get us there. So what's the project (or two) that you're working on right now to get you to where you want to be?

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It's good to have big visions, and now it's about bringing them into smaller projects we can work on that get us there. So what's the project (or two) that you're working on right now to get you to where you want to be?

so, the above excercise was a way for me to bring an intangible benefit alive. How can I talk about the benefits of not smoking when generic concepts like "quality of life" don't really strike a chord with me? find something that does strike a chord with me, something that does light up my brain (money money money) and frame the argument around that.


I have since figured out:

1) I had/have a certain amount of FOMO linked with social status. I percieved myself as not being like cool people, and so as a substitute for developing any sort of meaningful ability to contribute to society, I picked up a cigarette and started smoking ---> There are lots of things that can be talked about and understood from this new position

2) Accepting or questioning the base behind my actions, such that: If I perceived myself as a loser, or "not-cool" then if nothing else in my life changed, and I added smoking, ultimately I would be simply a loser who smokes. ---> soooooo much to work with there.

3) I am on day 3 without a cigarette ---> really the point. plus, the events that lead up to it were eerily similar to the events that lead up to my choices with drugs and alcohol. so, I think, this is good.

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