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karpet

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  1. OKay journal time So, I've worked through some stuff and I feel great! literally, sigh of relief I can see clearly. good times ahead. My big mistake was thinking that because I did X i should get Y. Its true that getting Y requires you to have X, but doing X just makes it easier to do all the things you need to do to get Y. what I mean is, I gave up gaming, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and other time wasters and I felt like I deserved a job now because of it. That because I sent out 3 e-mails and that I had changed my ways, that everything was going to fall into my lap and I was going to be a baller. In actuality the changes I made were good and will make me more productive, but I still need to chase an opportunity and work really hard, maybe even harder than I imagined. I basically got myself to a sort of zero place. Like not being indebted to my vices? or my weakness? or something like that. MORE work, DO more WORK, do.
  2. A weird follow up but in line: You aren't supposed to win. like the game is set up to make you be okay with not winning. so, like, there isn't going to be a magical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or shit like that. nope. You just don't win. cool. I mean, you might win. but, realistically, you don't win. winning isn't normal, people don't do it. I guess I should add that for quite some time I was trying to figure out or I thought why can't I win, as in its the world against me and only me. but in reality i think its the world against everyone. That success is referential not absolute so there isn't one path for everyone, and the best way to succeed is by trusting yourself and knowing what to look out for. I mean I'm going to have to think about this more, but that is the gist.
  3. HOLY SHIT. I am now going to regale you with the story of when I decided to be a not winner. There isn't an exact moment, but a series of moments that go something like this: it's always with a "friend" we are having an argument, trying to best each other, or generally establish a "winner" in something. I "win". then the "friend" diminishes the victory by cutting me down. Saying that I didn't play right, or that It was a silly thing to get so worked up about, or that it didn't really matter. In writing this blurb I can think of at least 4 times this has happened, there are more. The fact that this happens or has happened so much eventually I built a mindset that it was dumb to compete. Actually the exact phrase I use is "I do not play games I cannot win" but the fact of the matter is that I did win at numerous games, I was just playing with losers. fuck. That feels amazing. just to make that realization.
  4. yeah, but that means I gotta take the most incredibly broken transit system between now and then.
  5. It's not the city, its my fear that I wont make it. I definitely have a vision of the life that I want to live in the city I live in. The fear comes in that I wont be able to live that life, or that the time frame to making that life a reality is a long way off. Due to that fear or that time horizon, I think being somewhere else would be easier, but this is all just me thinking negatively about myself. it has no thing to do with the city that I live in.
  6. Josh! yeah? stop being a judgmental douche. Okay.
  7. I am thinking about limitations. Some of the most creative artists work within limitations, even choosing a medium limits you from doing something in another medium. I'm not going to belabor the art thing. The only point I want to make is that limitations are good. When I think about the place that I live, I see a lot of limitations. Also, I see a lot of experiences I have had in other places that I will not have here. but, as I said, limitations make for a more innovative experience. I do not know what that means for me and where I live, but that is the outcome of that abstraction.
  8. so I'm in this everything kinda sucks phase. I'm nearly 100% certain that this is my brains way of sorting itself out. The danger is that I cannot listen to my brain right now. I have to stay on course, get my school work done, and be awesome regardless of my feelings.
  9. Most recently I have been thinking about the fact that I wont see my old high school friends, and how that life is actually dead. I'm not sad about it. I'm more in awe that I can see that separation, in the sense of "Oh, yeah, that's totally over" I have to wonder if the same thing would have happened if I had lived near them. I can think of a great deal many people in my current city that I used to hang out with that I really have no desire to see again. There is nothing wrong with these people, just, I don't want to see them. a similar thing happened with the people I went to junior high with, I only ever see one person, and that isn't super frequently. I guess what struck me as odd was the sentiment that "That life is actually dead" it's not as if I have been living with blinders on for 12 years. I know high school is over, and I know I don't live in that city, but I guess what I wasn't thinking about were the relationships. but that is the strange thing. I knew it was over, I just didn't want to admit it, honestly even now, its like well... "You never really know" but yeah, its like dead.I think what makes it dead, and what makes it the you never really know thing is that I wont be pursuing a relationship, so, if I don't do that, likely it wont happen. However, if it does, I mean I like people. "I knew it was over, I just didn't want to admit it" ---> it's not admitting something, it's dealing with something, accepting a set of new actions, new responses, new lines of thought. I was enjoying the role of being the outsider the pariah the whatever, the predecessor to "guy who makes good" needs to be the not good guy. my Life isnt a movie. just deal. last thought of the day: That thought of seeing people and being disgusted with yourself when you knew them and thus attributing them with some sort of failure within yourself, but seemingly you can't register yourself as being a failure as that would break your resolve or growth or positive image of yourself so you place the other as the problem.
  10. well, now the real work begins I suppose. The dull slog of sorting out my life. The pangs of withdrawal have subsided, I can see clearly, I'm still quite tired. I just have to work. work work work. okay. this journal is over.
  11. anytime @ragingatsuma just go out there and dominate life.
  12. I always thought it was better to lose a day of productive work, than to lose a life due to retarded habits. looking at the problem in context of my whole existence made it easier for me to know I was making the right choice. good luck.
  13. so, the above excercise was a way for me to bring an intangible benefit alive. How can I talk about the benefits of not smoking when generic concepts like "quality of life" don't really strike a chord with me? find something that does strike a chord with me, something that does light up my brain (money money money) and frame the argument around that. I have since figured out: 1) I had/have a certain amount of FOMO linked with social status. I percieved myself as not being like cool people, and so as a substitute for developing any sort of meaningful ability to contribute to society, I picked up a cigarette and started smoking ---> There are lots of things that can be talked about and understood from this new position 2) Accepting or questioning the base behind my actions, such that: If I perceived myself as a loser, or "not-cool" then if nothing else in my life changed, and I added smoking, ultimately I would be simply a loser who smokes. ---> soooooo much to work with there. 3) I am on day 3 without a cigarette ---> really the point. plus, the events that lead up to it were eerily similar to the events that lead up to my choices with drugs and alcohol. so, I think, this is good.
  14. using my crazy old macbook air. its such a great experience.
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