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Karpet's Daily Journal.


karpet
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Hey Guys!

I really like journals. I like personal development. I like people.

To be honest, I don't remember the exact date I stopped gaming. I sold my rig because I spent all of my money on blow, and after rent was paid in ...May (of 2015)? well, I didn't have a computer. I mean I had the laptop I'm using right now, but I didn't have a gaming rig, so no gaming. After selling the rig because I had spent all my money on blow, I didn't think I deserved a new rig, so I didn't buy one. I bought the rig 7 months prior during a cash flush sobriety kick, and prior to that, the last time I had a gaming computer was in 2004, so ultimately gaming wasn't a huge priority. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ON GAMEQUITTERS??? Or at least that is what I imagine some of you are saying right now. I did drop out of high school because all I did was play counter strike at LAN cafes. I get nostalgic every now and then, and as you can see there is a chance I could slip up in the future and buy a gaming rig. However, I'm here because I like personal development communities, and well, hopefully y'all understand you chose to grow rather than stop a behavior. I'm here to grow.

Above, you may have noticed that I have other factors at play in my "growth" journey. I have a huge penchant for cocaine and booze. Gaming, Cocaine, Booze, Caffeine, Nicotine, and Masturbation all kind of point to a general abstraction from experiencing the world as it presents its self. I like to think all those things are my way of experiencing a consistent version of life, and as such I think point to a personal image leaning towards self-efficacy and having a strong internal locus of control. The interesting question arises then: What happens when you channel those strengths towards a higher aim? Well, that's what I hope to discover too. 

Currently I've been "sober" for 7.5 months. I woke up that first day with a mantra: Seven Figures, Car, Condo. I then went for a 25 km walk, I live in Canada, so that's 15.5 miles for some. Seven figures morphed to eight, and condo changed to house, but the mantra is still the same. That is my guiding light. It may seem shallow, but I need a defined space to direct my energies towards. It's like saying "hey, I want to go west!" my idea might be the ocean, but in all likelihood I'll spin my wheels for 5 years and end up a mile west. I Kind of win, but not really. I'm very much anti goals-on-a-time-line. The reason I am against goals on a time line is because I honestly have no idea how long it takes to do something I've never done before. In the past I have tried to plot things on a time line, but I found as the time approached I would never be in sync with it. When I didn't achieve what I had aimed for I would collapse and destroy myself. Alternatively, sometimes things would happen almost immediately and I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I have goals. Instead of focusing on my goals and how can I achieve them, I am focusing on how can I become the person who achieves those goals. Fundamentally this comes from the realization that who I am at this very moment is reaching for something that is totally outside of his reality. Any attempt to reach outside of my reality presently will ultimately be impossible or at the very least be fraught with "opportunities for learning and improvement". I am a full time university student, so I can assure you I am not simply sitting idle watching the world go by. I'm moving very slowly right now, and it feels like the right thing to do. I am riddled with self doubt, but I think I can see beyond that. 

I'm going to stop here. I feel like this is a great introduction to me and the journey I am on. Sorry for any mega run on sentences. Pleasure to meet all of you, I look forward to continued sharing. 

 

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Hi karpet,

good luck to you i hope you get where you want to get. Do you have some goals you wanna achieve, or if you no fan of goals, who do you wanna be?Creative and free of boundarys(guess thats a kind of goal 2 though)? I'm sure i just think in a total different way, but that hasn't mean that your way of thinking is worse or better. I like to fokus on things and goals and realtionships or i get lost in life. I must admit, its hard for me to understand everything you write because you have a very different,boxed, writing style wich is kind of hard to read. Especially if english isn't your first language how it is the case with me. I still wihs you the best! Maybe things get clearer for us two with your next entrys

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Hey CAM! keep crushing it.

Work in Progress: First I need to finish uni. second I'm jazzed about Venture capitalism ( I can explain why later if need be) sadly, playing with OPM is hard. Thus I need money of my own.

I have strong sales+hustle (i have had experiences with 6 figure days and figured, why not 7), so I need to find work that helps me accumulate money. Here we have mortgage specialists with the bank that can travel to any region in the country and help people buy houses (this is similar to work I was doing in the finance industry that allowed me to have 6 figure days). The commission structure is relatively straight forward to understand -> $200 million in mortgages generated ~> $1 Million in my pocket. The region I live in average house price is $0.5 Million, so approx 8 deals a week for 1 year gives me $1 Million a year. I've talked to a manager in my region extensively, and the outcome is once I graduate I should get the job.

I need to then set up 3 things: Stable housing, A fund for income, and a fund for early stage investing, to achieve my VC/whatever position. House makes sense, the stability of housing adds greatly to ones sense of well being. the second one is the fund for income, ideally having a source of income outside of the hustle adds again to an overall sense of well being, I've pegged the desired yearly income to that of a BMW m3 or in 2016 dollars $74,000, with the desired income pegged at a basket of goods, I can measure my overall position relative to something else. presently to achieve "safe" investment level that result in that income is ~> $1.2 Million. Lastly to actually achieve what I want to do I need a fund that will allow me some diversity in angle/seed investing, 30 diversified investments averaging $25,000 each totals $750,000. The investment fund and the housing are non negotiable fixed quantities so I need a range of  ~> $3.4-$5 Million for all three.

Last paragraph above is the key, that has been sorted out for a while. The mortgage thing came back to me recently, but I had that lined up about a year ago. The mortgage thing isn't the only focus though, so while its nice to have it in my back pocket, I don't focus on it. I've designed an app, and written a movie/novel. By not having a fixation on deadlines or making something work I've allowed myself greater flexibility in what could possibly solve the overarching desire. I have reading week coming up, so I may spend that time finishing the app. but I'm spending a great deal more time reading, sitting, and doing school work. more dead space that allows  my mind to work allows more things to come up

Hope that makes sense.

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Quick journal update.

After writing the first entry, I was completely exhausted. I'm not too sure what that means. Was it a release of pent up feelings regarding holding onto a secret for so long? Was it the acknowledgement of the amount of work I have ahead of me from seeing it posted on the internet? Anyways, I didn't have too much time to think about it as I had school work to do. I wanted to write something yesterday, but I was swamped.

Yesterday, I had an assignment to do. it was for a class that I see a lot of value in. As I began working, fight or flight set in. In many instances in the past I have, when confronted with the flight or fight, I have accepted flight. So, I spent a great deal of time recently working on overcoming the urge to flight, and specifically fight. Yet in this instance I had to re-calibrate. If it was something that I truly believed in and saw value in, there would be no need to trigger the flight or fight response. I had to take a few minutes to digest all of that. I spent a good hour just sitting, monitoring my internal feelings and breathing. Once I was calm and had squared away my feelings, I got down to business. The flow in my work was incredible. I had to eventually go to sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed and had a very different perspective on the work, it wasn't something to over come and I merely, slowly began. In what felt like a matter of minutes I was done. It actually took 2 hours, but it was a joyous and pleasurable experience. 

I'm going to have to pen and paper this, so I can have a secondary, lasting record of this thought, but it was a change of perspective that I see being more beneficial long run than the perspective of brute-forcing the flight urge. 

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Wow that seemed like a pretty nice flow-experience you had there. I hope you can channel your adrenaline energy in such a way more often. At the moment i have an flight moment myself thats why im here and not studying. After trying to calm myself down with meditation wich i finished after 15min instead half an hour as planned, i came here for distraction. Well i try again now thx for that really unexpected motivation.

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work in progress: When you mentioned that: "I like to fokus on things and goals" is related to "i finished after 15min instead half an hour as planned, i came here for distraction".

From my perspective if I was trying to get over a feeling, or understand something; a fixed time line isn't going to guarantee the objective. A time line may create an incentive for me to tackle the problem. With the incentive I may even get further by having it than by not having anything. Yet, there is no guarantee. Ultimately if my goal were to get over the objection, I would take as much time as needed to get over it because the process may only take 1 minute which means having a dedicated fixed time would be a waste of the remainder of my time. Consequently the process may take 2 days, but if i had the fixed time I would have never solved the problem. Once I am over that objection though, regardless of the time it takes, I can move forward with greater ease which is the goal. 

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 I just like to set me some timelimits to convince me too start working on smth. The 30min was just an estimation for meditation because im not that used to meditation and can't sit still for so long. Otherwise i often doesn't even start because the problem is to scary for me. And after 15minute i canceled my fokus even if hadn't even got through the 30min. Butyour right, things need as long as they need. A time limit is just a thoughtconstruct(not sure if you can translate it this way) wich doesn't necessarly has anything to do with the reality. My flight or fight scenario is my exam plan btw. Looked on the dates this afternoon wich is smth. i was scared to do for a long time. Then i kind of flipped out abit and couldn't stand it. Still need to process my fear of failing but had a talk with my wife wich helped a bit. Tomorow i will take more time to work through this issue and think about it. I'm not so self assured right now but to see someone dealing with his issues sucessful is motivating so thank you for sharing and replying.

 Mario

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Workinprogress: I figure with exams if you've done the work you're golden. For my classes I like to go into the final with an +85% that way I am assured to have passed the course, and then I don't sweat the exam. Ultimately that means being on point for 3 months, but even then it's just doing the work, there's tons of time for slack. Knock it out of the park!

 

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Journal entry:

pretty down tempo day. as I mentioned yesterday I woke up super early and got some work done. It paid off because in class we had to do some assignments and it made it easier to communicate my ideas technically versus my normal vague description speak. 

I use a kanban system, and its above my laptop, so at all times I know what I have to be doing school wise. Courses are color coded post-it notes, and the specifics of what I have to do for an assignment are posted on each one. I simply have to move the post-it notes from to do -> doing -> done. It's made doing more courses easier. I'm not too sure how I am going to implement this system at my mothers house when I move there at the end of April. But one step at a time. I just need to get through this semester. 

yesterday I had the app on my mind so I broke down all the reasons I may not complete the app. From there I tackled each individual reason in depth and framed the issue in the larger context of what I was trying to achieve. I've identified my next step, and when the app comes and dominates my thoughts I can tackle the next challenge. I don't want to get hyper action-oriented regarding the app because school is a priority, and I want everything I do regarding the app -if I continue with it; to be rooted in a stable mind.

My school had posters for a stock trading competition where $10,000 was the main prize. Coincidentally, $10,000 was the exact some of money I required to get through the last leg of my studies exactly the way I wanted to. What I mean by this is that I have had to make decisions to complete school that are less than ideal, and the $10,000 would be the way to not have to make the sacrifices. The issue with the competition is the amount of resources it was going to consume versus the pay off. My thought was that my attention would be taken away from my studies, and I *might* have the chance at getting $10,000. It seemed like a big risk for little reward. A second thought occurred such that doing nothing surely meant not getting that $10,000. My thought was if I could set up a high risk situation, set it and forget it, and then walk away that would be the best outcome. I thought this was the best out come because setting up the high risk strategy would take all of 10 minutes. That 10 minutes win or lose would have 1) not been that big of a loss, and 2) would have made the $10,000 "worth it". So, I went to the site and looked over the details. The way the regulations were set up demanded constant attention to the competition, and thus I was out. #bummer. 

I think what was great about the above is that I challenged my assumptions. I saw an opportunity, I had a thought about it, I didn't brush it off, I investigated further, and came to a more informed conclusion. Surely there could have been a way for me to rig something up, and hack the rules, but that isn't the way I want to operate. Sure I missed out on potentially getting $10,000 but there are many ways to get money. Normally I would have said "Oh, that's stupid" and then brushed it off. I didn't do that, so I'll chalk it up to a win.

Have a great day guys.

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Hey Karpet,

Dang, that sounds unfortunate, though I guess in some way there will always be next time, eh? :)

I like the way you broke down the reasons for not completing the application, you tackled it in such a way and made it alot more approchable, I love that idea!

I hope your day goes well! :D

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shady: I did an analysis of actual dollars offered to me that I've turned down while in university and its (50+50+70+10) so $180,000 plus money spent going to school (60) is $240,000. Then in my most recent job I probably had 50 people prospect me (average say $50k/yr*50) so that's like $2.5million I've said no to hypothetically plus the $240,000  is like an opportunity cost of ~> $2.74 Million. $10,000 not like the biggest deal.

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Karpet was the first person to really get me into coffee (I believe you introduced me to espresso) and now I'm a huge coffee snob and it brings immense joy to my life. Funny how that happened the way it did. :D

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Journal

I lean towards saying nothing spectacular happened yesterday, but I realize that that is merely how I chose to see it. I choose what is exciting, and what isn't. With that, heres a recap of my day.

So, I've been intentionally starving myself. In the past any time I have begun a sort of "sober" plan, the first thing I do is eat like a monster. Usually I gain 20-30 pounds and feel quite sluggish. The issue here isn't the weight gain or the sluggishness, rather the primary concern is that I turn to eating as a sense of relief from the pains of the world. So, in saying "Oh, I am hungry" it isn't a particularly earth shattering awareness. Yesterday in class though, I had an interesting moment. Sitting there in total calm, stomach not growling in its normal sense I realized I was hungry, but that realization seemed so pure. I don't know if it marks a turning, a realization that I no longer need to starve myself, or what, but it felt really good. I've spent a great deal of time thinking about that outcome.

Whilst waiting for a class to begin, I got restless thinking about the app. Again, I purposely don't want to dive in and tear it apart and make a giant mess. While I was thinking about  it, i was pensive regarding taking action. As outlined earlier I had mapped my next step, so I knew what I had to do. I sat there, I reviewed my break down of reasons I made the other day in my head, and figured I could get started on the next step. I made a more detailed vision of the first pannel, I broke down the functionality of each button in pseudo code. I ran into problems regarding the functionality, but the solution came easily. Having fully mocked up the first panel, I got really excited and opened android studio. Sadly, class was about to begin in 10 minutes and I couldn't get to it. One thing I realize I don't know anything about is design and once I break down the functionality in pseudo code, I'm going to have to spend some time learning design. The next step is to mark-up the next panel. 

Post class, I had to do a reading for another class today. The class has a required textbook, but the text book is just a compilation of cases. These cases are published else where. I couldn't find the specific case I was looking for anywhere online, I couldn't find the textbook anywhere online, and the library didn't have the textbook on reserve. #bummer. so I googled once more, mostly to console myself, but maybe I missed something. I did find the textbook on google books, but in true google books fashion most of what I needed to read for the case was unavailable, BUT, the first page was available, and the first page stated the original source of the article. While I couldn't find a free copy of the source online in PDF format, the library DID have a physical copy of the source. So I went to the library, checked out the source and read the case! that felt good.

Good Luck guys.
 

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Yesterday was super chill. I feel like I did very little. I had an 8 am class. I really like the class. After class I went home and felt like I wanted to do something, but I couldn't actually think of anything. I sat for a while contemplating that state. Then I remembered what I had written about design being a big challenge for me and the app. I also remembered that I was really excited to get cracking on the app. I fired up android studio, watched a few youtube videos on design and got a very rough home-screen for the app completed. After that was completed I took a 30 minute nap and went to my last class for the day.

After class I didn't do anything at all, all day, nothing.

One thing that struck me as profound was this new found sense of overall well being. Obviously if you've been doing drugs and alcohol at a dangerous self harm level there's a few things that happen to your body and your brain. I don't concretely know the specifics, but I can tell you for a very long time something in my life felt amiss. I think amiss could best be described as a measurable sense of imbalance in all things. For no reason what so ever I would get a wound up fiery raging in my core, then I'd be asleep for 16 hours, I'd spend 2 months working 6 hours everyday on a project, and then do nothing for 4 months. I am cautionary in saying my body and mind has recovered, but likely this is the best explanation. It feels good regardless. I feel good. 

Putting the above paragraph in context though, I have basically just gotten myself to zero. While that is worthy of a celebration in and of it's self, it's not the point. The point is to go further, and thus more work is required. 

 

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Just wanted to showcase the process of breaking down a thought or a belief as to allow me the process to move forward with something.

"Making funny sounds with my mouth bothers me" - is an example of a train of though that halts my ability to progress with something. After about an hour of sitting, thinking and writing I was able  to bring myself to "I can make the sounds, they are human sounds, I am human". Attached below is the workflow I went through.

What is interesting is I wrote a question: How do I make repetition bearable? <- The issue is that that is the wrong question coming from a wrong frame of mind regarding the progress needed to get where I want to go. The section labelled: But there is something more. begins to address the shifting mindset required to move forward beneficially.

I just thought it was nifty and wanted to share it. Have a great day.

IMG_20160122_183428.jpg

IMG_20160122_183444.jpg

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Did absolutely nothing yesterday, it was rad. Going to go get some coffee, and then crush some school work. I've simplified the app, so I can probably finish the design today if I want. It would be really awesome having it all mocked up for real. we'll see.

have fun guys!

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Did absolutely nothing yesterday, it was rad. Going to go get some coffee, and then crush some school work. I've simplified the app, so I can probably finish the design today if I want. It would be really awesome having it all mocked up for real. we'll see.

have fun guys!

you've got this bro ;)

tumblr_inline_nl2uvgVCJe1qiswns.gif

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Hi Karpet, I'm glad you've joined the community!

I'm also a big fan of personal development, if you have a look at my journal you'll find it is filled with a checklist of positively helpful habits I have or haven't worked on. Perhaps my journal could give you a few ideas on how to improve yourself. Starting your own journal will really help you in terms of accountability, as long as you reflect on what went right and what went wrong during the day, along with what you'll do differently the next day.

It's great to see that you've moved on to improving other parts of your life like your food consumption, similarly I have been comfortably piling on new habits to build up after I grasped the 'Power of Habit' (this is a book I would highly recommend reading, along with The Slight Edge as the no.1 personal development book to read).

Keep it up and I look forward to seeing where you'll go in the future!

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Journal

Yesterday was up and down.

I got about half as much done as I had hoped, and I did not work on the app.

I've come to the realization that I am spending too much time attention seeking and/or networking. The upside is that I am sharing ideas, and grappling with big questions. The downside is that I'm seeking ping-backs from it. Obviously, if I'm challenging myself with new ideas about the world, I want feedback. I need to do more work, so I can make more concrete ideas. I guess that is the ultimate upside of this, that from my feedback I have learned that I need to do more digging, and more application from that digging.

I do not know what will come of today. I have one assignment left to do, there is the hope that I may be able to work on the app. I am up earlier than I was today.

good luck guys.

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Got my work done, and I got a very very terrible mock up of the app put together in Android studio. Android studio is pissed at some of the structures I made, but the XML code is there, so I just have to make it look prettier. Time to get on with the coding, or rather figuring out how to get on with the coding. but that is a chapter for another day. It was a good day. or it felt like a good day.

 

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