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Everything posted by karpet

  1. Okay, It's been a while guys. where do you even start with a 6 year absence. I'm sober. I've been sober for almost 3 years now, and it feels normal-esque now. I dont smoke either. I work, I have somewhat of a career path. I don't have a great lifestyle. While it's tempting to blame the events of the last two years, the last two years haven't really impacted my quality of life that much. I actually think the last two years have made my quality of life better. I have to take steps to build a better quality of life. I am at a place in my career where the next step should happen any day now, and my impatience makes me feel like I am going to explode. I work two jobs. It has allowed me to essentially pay off my car and keep my main salary. I've used this advantage to kinda buy all the things I wanted. I'm now mostly concerned with financial stability. I believe that financial stability will happen in the next phase of my career and my resources should be deployed to help me achieve that next step. I can't force the next step happen, so I have to focus on positive action I can take to improve my situation everyday. Saving and educating myself through courses, books, and media have been a solution to this problem. Obviously, working two jobs has hampered my lifestyle. I try to go out for dinner once a week, I'm going to ramp up to twice a week and rotate the venues so that I have regular status at 4 places. I don't know how long I am going to continue to live in Calgary, but while I am living here should at least practice the motions of having a social life. I have a bicycle coming in the post in a few days. It's been a couple of years since I had a bike to ride. I go for a ton of walks, but my legs get hurt after a while. I sometimes also go hit golf balls, and this winter I bought skis (I believe I have enough aeroplan points to fly to switzerland next winter--I want to go to zermatt--skiing wise a weekend in banff, whister, and europe is probably enough) I have the working from home wardrobe down. I wear a dress-shirt under a sweater and some jeans with shoes that have some nice arch support. I still live at home. I've had a talk with my mom, we talked about my responsibility to be there for my family, and that I'm not required to be there, that I should go and have a career/adventure and that everything will be okay. It sounds nice, but sometimes its sad. Anyways, because I am so close to the next step in my career, and that this should make my life relatively easy financially It seemed like a good idea to just chill and wait for the change to happen and then relocate closer to industry--maybe this summer, maybe the fall, who knows. Long term, I want to be in Vancouver, Singapore, London, and Trinidad. Seems like such a crazy thing to say, but in reality it's not. Like, don't buy a lambo... While at work, I learned that I have a strong analytical side and that this side can be used to make lots of money. I make lots of money for my employer. I'm trying to figure out how to leverage that thinking for myself through ecommerce. I've gotten an shopify store built, and I've had people build out a social media presence for me. It seems insignificant when I talk about it, but I can see how learning how to make this work allows me to make other things work out later. At worst, its an interesting hobby and at best, it's a whole thing. I'm single. I think that's all I have room for right now. Cheers, Karpet
  2. OKay journal time So, I've worked through some stuff and I feel great! literally, sigh of relief I can see clearly. good times ahead. My big mistake was thinking that because I did X i should get Y. Its true that getting Y requires you to have X, but doing X just makes it easier to do all the things you need to do to get Y. what I mean is, I gave up gaming, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and other time wasters and I felt like I deserved a job now because of it. That because I sent out 3 e-mails and that I had changed my ways, that everything was going to fall into my lap and I was going to be a baller. In actuality the changes I made were good and will make me more productive, but I still need to chase an opportunity and work really hard, maybe even harder than I imagined. I basically got myself to a sort of zero place. Like not being indebted to my vices? or my weakness? or something like that. MORE work, DO more WORK, do.
  3. A weird follow up but in line: You aren't supposed to win. like the game is set up to make you be okay with not winning. so, like, there isn't going to be a magical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or shit like that. nope. You just don't win. cool. I mean, you might win. but, realistically, you don't win. winning isn't normal, people don't do it. I guess I should add that for quite some time I was trying to figure out or I thought why can't I win, as in its the world against me and only me. but in reality i think its the world against everyone. That success is referential not absolute so there isn't one path for everyone, and the best way to succeed is by trusting yourself and knowing what to look out for. I mean I'm going to have to think about this more, but that is the gist.
  4. HOLY SHIT. I am now going to regale you with the story of when I decided to be a not winner. There isn't an exact moment, but a series of moments that go something like this: it's always with a "friend" we are having an argument, trying to best each other, or generally establish a "winner" in something. I "win". then the "friend" diminishes the victory by cutting me down. Saying that I didn't play right, or that It was a silly thing to get so worked up about, or that it didn't really matter. In writing this blurb I can think of at least 4 times this has happened, there are more. The fact that this happens or has happened so much eventually I built a mindset that it was dumb to compete. Actually the exact phrase I use is "I do not play games I cannot win" but the fact of the matter is that I did win at numerous games, I was just playing with losers. fuck. That feels amazing. just to make that realization.
  5. yeah, but that means I gotta take the most incredibly broken transit system between now and then.
  6. It's not the city, its my fear that I wont make it. I definitely have a vision of the life that I want to live in the city I live in. The fear comes in that I wont be able to live that life, or that the time frame to making that life a reality is a long way off. Due to that fear or that time horizon, I think being somewhere else would be easier, but this is all just me thinking negatively about myself. it has no thing to do with the city that I live in.
  7. Josh! yeah? stop being a judgmental douche. Okay.
  8. I am thinking about limitations. Some of the most creative artists work within limitations, even choosing a medium limits you from doing something in another medium. I'm not going to belabor the art thing. The only point I want to make is that limitations are good. When I think about the place that I live, I see a lot of limitations. Also, I see a lot of experiences I have had in other places that I will not have here. but, as I said, limitations make for a more innovative experience. I do not know what that means for me and where I live, but that is the outcome of that abstraction.
  9. so I'm in this everything kinda sucks phase. I'm nearly 100% certain that this is my brains way of sorting itself out. The danger is that I cannot listen to my brain right now. I have to stay on course, get my school work done, and be awesome regardless of my feelings.
  10. Most recently I have been thinking about the fact that I wont see my old high school friends, and how that life is actually dead. I'm not sad about it. I'm more in awe that I can see that separation, in the sense of "Oh, yeah, that's totally over" I have to wonder if the same thing would have happened if I had lived near them. I can think of a great deal many people in my current city that I used to hang out with that I really have no desire to see again. There is nothing wrong with these people, just, I don't want to see them. a similar thing happened with the people I went to junior high with, I only ever see one person, and that isn't super frequently. I guess what struck me as odd was the sentiment that "That life is actually dead" it's not as if I have been living with blinders on for 12 years. I know high school is over, and I know I don't live in that city, but I guess what I wasn't thinking about were the relationships. but that is the strange thing. I knew it was over, I just didn't want to admit it, honestly even now, its like well... "You never really know" but yeah, its like dead.I think what makes it dead, and what makes it the you never really know thing is that I wont be pursuing a relationship, so, if I don't do that, likely it wont happen. However, if it does, I mean I like people. "I knew it was over, I just didn't want to admit it" ---> it's not admitting something, it's dealing with something, accepting a set of new actions, new responses, new lines of thought. I was enjoying the role of being the outsider the pariah the whatever, the predecessor to "guy who makes good" needs to be the not good guy. my Life isnt a movie. just deal. last thought of the day: That thought of seeing people and being disgusted with yourself when you knew them and thus attributing them with some sort of failure within yourself, but seemingly you can't register yourself as being a failure as that would break your resolve or growth or positive image of yourself so you place the other as the problem.
  11. well, now the real work begins I suppose. The dull slog of sorting out my life. The pangs of withdrawal have subsided, I can see clearly, I'm still quite tired. I just have to work. work work work. okay. this journal is over.
  12. anytime @ragingatsuma just go out there and dominate life.
  13. I always thought it was better to lose a day of productive work, than to lose a life due to retarded habits. looking at the problem in context of my whole existence made it easier for me to know I was making the right choice. good luck.
  14. so, the above excercise was a way for me to bring an intangible benefit alive. How can I talk about the benefits of not smoking when generic concepts like "quality of life" don't really strike a chord with me? find something that does strike a chord with me, something that does light up my brain (money money money) and frame the argument around that. I have since figured out: 1) I had/have a certain amount of FOMO linked with social status. I percieved myself as not being like cool people, and so as a substitute for developing any sort of meaningful ability to contribute to society, I picked up a cigarette and started smoking ---> There are lots of things that can be talked about and understood from this new position 2) Accepting or questioning the base behind my actions, such that: If I perceived myself as a loser, or "not-cool" then if nothing else in my life changed, and I added smoking, ultimately I would be simply a loser who smokes. ---> soooooo much to work with there. 3) I am on day 3 without a cigarette ---> really the point. plus, the events that lead up to it were eerily similar to the events that lead up to my choices with drugs and alcohol. so, I think, this is good.
  15. using my crazy old macbook air. its such a great experience.
  16. What is the best possible outcome of everything that I am doing or that I need to do? Cashing my $10,000,000.00 cheque. What does the ideal quit look like? 100% zero-physical withdrawal What about 99% In the context of my whole life, the amount of time I want to experience withdrawal, is 1 percent? Could you quit smoking forever? More specifically could I live the rest of my life without ever once ever smoking a cigarette? I smoking cigarettes helping me or hindering me towards my goals? If you had an idealized version of your life, you could map it out, you knew exactly what you wanted, and You knew how to get there. Would you accept it if it were 99% complete? Well, it is not 100% So, you make $50,000/year you have the ability to make $1MM/year, but in putting in the effort, you realize you are only going to make $990,000/year. If you do not put in the effort, are you valuing $1MM at $10,000? The $940,000/year will be impactful to your life. You aren’t losing the difference between $1MM and $990,000/year you are losing out on $940,000/year. The context is key here. You make $50,000/year. You are talking about approximately a 19x return on your effort. If you were an oil and gas firm or something of that nature we may be having a different. But we are talking about a 19x return. So 19x returns are fun. But what about the other case? What about a loss. Not the loss of the 1% in the moment, but a long term loss, like going from $50,000/year to $40,000/year. Like forever. Not worth the change. In any case you do not know the outcome. You do not know if you are going to make a million dollars, and you do not know if you are going to lose your shirt. In an arena where this is painless, one would take the chance because there is no downside. Yet if I take the chance now, today I face pain, tomorrow I face pain, the day after tomorrow I face pain, and for the foreseeable future all I see is pain. There is no horizon where things look positive. Consequently if I choose to not to take the chance then it is clear I am not a risk taker. Further, ultimately I am concluding that I am happy with my existence. I think that’s the game. “sacrifice” is only fun when nothing is at stake. That is the loser’s game. Am I a loser?
  17. I think the weirdest part of my life today, right now, in this moment, is if you were to ask me what is the best possible outcome my life could have given all of the choices I have made or need to make, I wouldn't be able to give you a concrete answer. This is a serious problem. [Edit] well.... that is actually not true. the best possible outcome is cashing the cheque I wrote to myself. === So... === what is that worth?
  18. I think the value that is ascribed to a learned person is their ability to gather resources and draw from them some utilization to be applied to the world. In days gone by to own a book would have been a monumental accomplishment, books were expensive, and simply being able to find one would have been a feat. Consequently, having books, being able to read, and using that knowledge to impact your world would have been huge. I think it is important to apply yourself, edit, refine, question, repeat. Simply being able to do well on tests isn't the end game. Applying yourself exists outside of the classroom and should 100% be sought after. (this is not a complete thought, or, it is a complete thought, but its implications in the sense of "What do I do now?" have not been fully realized, more time is needed to think this through)
  19. You got this! The little things all add up to one big thing so congrats on taking a step towards greatness.
  20. Why journal are important: I have a journal that tracks the beginning of this most recent journey that I am on. Given the very new challenge that I have been posed with, I am fortunate enough to have a written account of what I did to solve a problem I had that was similar in the past. writing in a Journal is good when it is honest. There are other times when I try to tease out what is honest, but as long as that process is in earnest, the results are the same. I feel some calm having looked at what I did in the past.
  21. There are a lot of words here, they do not make much sense, but it is a key component of me working through things. I'm not succeeding. fine. That is not the point of this journal entry I was looking at the city that I went to highschool in on google maps. My mother worked in that city, and my grandparents lived in that city. So, even before highschool I had memories associated with that city. Looking at the locations now that meant something to me in the past, I do not feel anything. there was a time, say even a year ago, where looking at those scenes meant something to me. I felt something. Memories. they had a connection, my memories had a connection and through that connection I felt something. I do feel something when I look at other things from that very city, but some of the things that I thought meant something didn't mean something. I'm not growing. I'm not moving on. I look at other people I knew from the time and they got to have the things that I am basing my lack of growth on but in having those things have grown with them. I do not have those things, I want those things, and I am doing things totally separate from those things, but by looking at them I am admitting I havent grown. Clearly state what I am saying: My friends from that time of my life, get to still be friends with each other. I am seen by some of those people as a person who hasn't grown because I still want to hangout with those people. they have reflexively said, "look at us, we have grown, we don't care about the past, we have moved forward" but I see that they are still hanging out with each other. but because I want to hang out with them I am at fault, I haven't grown. because I care about them and I want to know what is going on with them and their lives, somehow I am living in the past, yet they get to hangout with each other and get know about what is going on with each others lives it is okay because they "have grown up" I guess I havent grown up because I care about them and what they think. ABRUPT END TO THOUGHT I am moving along a line. A like that deviates from the line that I thought I was on. The line that I thought I was on was the line that expressed my identity to a core, it explained why I felt the things I felt and that I could be accepted along this line by following this line. By moving away from this line I would be entering on to a line that didn't speak to me, accept me, or reflect me. But this line that doesn't speak to me or reflect me is the line that I should be on, it is the line that gives me all the things that I want, the good life. I had this same issue when I came to graduating school in some way. My line was the avant garde, the outsider, the rebel, the artist. high school and now consequently university is the normative and clearly my line didn't follow that, yet here I was and here I am following it. smoking: rock and a hard place: smoking doesnt make me feel good, not smoking doesnt make me feel good. If I continue to smoke nothing happens When I considered stopping drinking and doing drugs I didn't think I would find anything enjoyable ever again, but I knew it was the right thing to do, that somehow it was the key to success. after 7 months life came back and I was enthralled with possibilities. BOOM. I was saddened when I came to realize a new change was demanded -smoking. I was afraid of losing all the excitement, that I would never be able to do anything ever again. This was the same issue I had with drinking and drugs. but everything came back and surprisingly things I thought I was long past came back with a vengeance. Again I fear that I will never enjoy life, and more so with recent memory still in effect I am afraid of dealing with the sadness, and moodiness, and the gaping void. I don't want to deal with that. I also know I cannot kid myself and that I have to accept the worked in a new form. I need to make the new shapes and forms, understand their dynamics, and find my perspective within them. I am afraid I will become despondent about school. and so the journey continues. I cant make it suck less, I can only change the way that I view it. yes there will be dark days ahead, but there is the possibility of greatness. This sounds like hokey bullshit, but I have to see it through. journal end
  22. The world seems to be backing me into a corner again with regards to smoking. Remember – seeing the matrix – the difference this time around was that I wasn’t being pulled or pushed like a rag doll, I was at the center of my world. What does that mean now? I guess I feel like I am not at the center of my decision making. But I am. I am at the center because I’ve made choices that put me here. There are downsides to all choices. I thought giving up booze and alcohol was sufficient to move me along the line. Was quitting your job? –It was valid because I needed to move along a line? Moving back into your mom’s house? – Sufficient because I had made the choice and I didn’t have a tight conclusion. My goal was to become successful. It feels like I am becoming less and less successful as time progresses away from the period I decided I was going to become a success. My gut doesn’t seem so accurate when everything I have valued gets stripped away. But, just ask your gut, does this make sense, will it take you further along the line of success? It will. This isn’t a pivot. I am frustrated because I spent 7 months feeling dead inside and only recently did life come back to me and I got to see myself again as the individual who can move mountains. But now, the world is saying I have to go back to the dearth, to go again. But it doesn’t feel right, but it doesn’t feel right because I am in the fat. Everything feels good, but like the oil rig man who spends all his money during the boom, and scrapes by during the bust, I must temper myself for ultimate gain. I could lose a week, a month., 6 years and much more than time, opportunity, passion, love, just to name a few. All of this again on the idea that, I will get ultimate gain in the end. Sacrifice now, gain later.
  23. Are you sure you're on the right forum. I'm still trying to decide whether I should reply to this post because I feel like ... I don't ever enter the "debates" where normal people talk about how weed is cool or whatever because what do they know. But I'm slightly shocked this post hasn't yet been ripped to shreds by the community. You came to a forum that deals with a form of addiction (albeit non chemical, but there's no difference) to talk about the positive sides of taking drugs. I also don't understand your remarks on heroin addicts. Do you understand why people become addicted? You have read my posts in my journal right? I would highly recommend you read my very first post in this journal.
  24. I was going to write a response to someones journal, but I realized I hadn't flushed the concept fully in my own head so I am here to break it apart. The quotation is my thought. is that real. -that is not a question. that question does not answer anything nor allow any topic to be broadened because the simple replay is, is it not real? fuck you. how often have I done that - once, twice? but maybe everything in my life is based on that? what do you mean? well, that every choice I make is based on some factor outside of the "sounding good on paper"... ...example? well an example will be taken out of context, and 30 examples may show a trend, but it only takes one example to say you are full of shit. so generally what I am contemplating is that I only make decisions when they mean something to me. How could I have made bad decisions? what contributes to me making the decisions that look like the decisions everyone else has made that also makes it look good on paper? do I simply choose which ideas that look good on paper I do based on some factor related to easiness? to what degree am I certain this is applicable to all areas of life - i suppose like anything, there are no certainties but with a higher number of trials we move towards a position where we can assume things to hold themselves together. what is the scale beyond "sounding good on paper"? is it big? is it small? is it about myself? about the world? - I mean depending on what the idea is on paper, the issue beyond could be anything, this would be a case by case basis. but a core issue is that "you should not smoke because you will get cancer" is very different from "x" where you feel x, or can relate to x or where you haven't heard x a thousand times before and x isn't this dull generic reason. ### I wouldn't say I have fatigued of this topic, but that I am grinding my gears and am not being propositioned with a thought too big to comprehend. lately I have come to realize that when I am exposed to ideas that I cannot comprehend my mind stops working and it is nice. but then after some time, I can comprehend the idea and I move on. it is growth maybe? example? yes I had four 10 cent pieces. I was complaining that in the real world you cannot explore economic concepts in a low risk fashion. so I went about challenging this. I said I could take a 10 cent piece and get some candy and discuss the value that the candy brought to me, I could take another 10 cent piece and give it to someone, and ask them how that 10 cent piece impacted their life. BUT how could I use a 10 cent piece in an entrepreneurial sense and explore that? well my mind stopped. it was amazing. there were no thoughts in my head. basically I could not comprehend how one would use a 10 cent piece in an entrepreneurial fashion. this morning while getting coffee I realized that I could have emailed X number of people, or reached out to X number of people in any medium, and propositioned them on purchasing a printed document, then once the price was secured, and above the 10 cent piece I could simply take the document and get it printed for 10 cents. obviously there is the nature of the document to be described, there is the time on my end and how that relates to the negotiations on price above the cost of printing, and there is the discussion of methodology for lead generation and communication, but, I was able to make that leap, and in making that leap I was able to understand better what makes for successful entrepreneurship. and it took having a problem too big to comprehend. but whats funny about that it that the idea itself wasn't huge that stopped me, it wasnt asking about 10 MILLION or 100 BILLION, it was talking about 10 cents, but the idea that was too big for me was how to take 10 cents and make money with it. so sometimes BIG ideas aren't analogous to BIG THINGS. ### I'm so done writing now.