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Karpet's Daily Journal.


karpet
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nothing remarkable to report. After doing my work, I just sat around and watched youtube videos, made dinner, ate, listened to music and read news articles. kinda tired. have class all day today.  

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Got my work done, and I got a very very terrible mock up of the app put together in Android studio. Android studio is pissed at some of the structures I made, but the XML code is there, so I just have to make it look prettier. Time to get on with the coding, or rather figuring out how to get on with the coding. but that is a chapter for another day. It was a good day. or it felt like a good day.

 

Better than no mockup. :D

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I feel like I've maxed out my energy for the while. I was lying in bed last night, no happier than I've ever been, but I didn't have that triumphant glow I've had over the last 2 weeks or so. Upon reflection, I gathered it was because I hadn't challenged myself yesterday. It's weird that I need recharge cycles, but that those recharge cycles make me feel like a less than great person. Maybe that is the point, like I do a bunch of stuff, then I feel like I'm not doing a bunch of stuff, so I do a bunch of stuff. Anyways. Classes today, only one class tomorrow. then... le weekend. I think I only have two more weeks of study before reading week. so, I can start thinking about all the awesomeness I want to accomplish over reading week. Normally I have great plans, and then sleep for a week and a half. Not really a bad out come, but, I still like thinking about what I could do. maybe I'll do it. okay, ciao.

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still just chillin. had class work. it was exhausting. did some twitter chatting. also exhausting. kinda exhausted. doing dishes, making house clean. this is all part of growing. ups and downs. take it in stride.

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Earlier in the year, so like a month ago, I had the thought that I wanted to re-engage with twitter. Previously I used twitter for wine stuffs, and trying to showcase my "cool", it was fine until I realized I wasn't "cool" and I didn't want to focus on wine. That didn't negate the value of twitter, just the value to me at the time. So, for the last few weeks, I've just been having fun on twitter. It really is fun. 

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so, by any measurable statistic I am very far from being successful. I do however have a mindset for, or am developing a mindset for success. One of the things I've heard is that it's lonely at the top.  

being alone in the sense of not being around other people doesn't bother me. What does get me though is the psychological warfare the self plays on its self. This warfare of the self plays out constantly when I am alone. Worst yet, it attacks the very being of being alone. It tells me I'm alone cause I'm no good, it tells me I'm gross, it tells me I am delusional, it tells me I'm a failure, its unrelenting in its attack of me. 

I know I'm going to make it, I know these voices aren't real. It's like the ultimate mind over matter game.

This is the biggest thing that I knew was going to happen when I started this journey. Not playing games, not drinking, not doing drugs weren't really the challenge. The challenge was going to be looking into the abyss. I posted that quote on my facebook last year 2014, december 30th. I've known for quite sometime that this was the challenge. Maybe a year ago I wasn't ready to face it. Now I am. Now I am facing it, and it's dark. Again though, I'm going to make it, and I can take this shit in stride.

I'm relatively certain I'm not going to go out and do anything overtly damaging. As well, I've made some interesting transitions away from more subtle forms of damaging behaviour: I'm not spending oodles of time on imgur or youtube, I'm eating more regularly, etc. I do question my involvement with twitter, it has the potential to devolve into the negative realm, I addressed that in an earlier post. 

Ultimately the darkest issue, and the one that resides all the way at the bottom is: what if it's all for naught? 

This isn't about a metaphysical reality, or a contemplation of Buddhist ideologies, or some inner-space navel gazing. What I mean is what if I don't get what I want. What if I've thrown away all the things I really enjoy, lived as a hermit, committed myself to a path that ultimately has no yields. It's one thing to change direction, but you can't get time back. I trust that what I am doing is the right thing to do, but what if it isn't? 

you get burned. the end. It happens to some people. it could happen to me. but, right now, I can only go off of what I know, and I trust myself and my decisions. you can only do what the information you have available leads your conclusions to. I've spent significant amounts of time thinking about this, wrestling with this, and given all that I have available to myself, this path makes the most sense. so, there isn't really anything to freak out about.

good luck guys!
 

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totally want to start a lifestyle brand called 100%UPSIDE it only has one message: You aren't a rational actor, quit making rational choices. See everything you want to do as having 100% upside.

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things are good. There's this idea that when things go lopsided it's actually you acclimatizing to change. so, not every day is flat. I've found this a useful frame work for dealing with non-ideal circumstances. I don't mean to say that my circumstances are less than ideal, only I feel less than ideal at the moment. Not at this moment, but generally in the last couple of days or weeks things have been feeling less than ideal. Feeling I think being the key word. but again, refer to second sentence. so, if anything I'm acclimatizing. To what I am not too sure. I'm hoping it's success. Or if not success some weird cousin that will put me in contact with success.

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oops I closed the window on my old post, then didn't reopen it for a while and now I have to rewrite.

so, pumped. When I was 16 went on mountaineering trip, my friend on the trip lived far away, so we never saw each other. he now lives in same city as me and we are hanging out tonight! bonus.

Having so much fun on twitter, access is unreal. slowly connecting with people that I want to connect with. slow uphill grind, but those are the best grinds.

shaved my head, but kept my unruly beard. Can't tell if I look bad ass, or crazy. doesn't matter, confidence == number 1 accessory, second most important accessory is a smile. 

have fun guys

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I'm probably being crazy, but I'd like to keep this journal as removed from my real life as possible.

Why's that?

I would like to be able to explore the depths of my mind without scrutiny or a link to and from the outside world.

--Journal--

I went on facebook today. Saw that a person I knew died. One, he died youngish, he was 60, maybe 59. two, I knew him in sort of a nefarious way. It feels like a lifetime ago. Its funny how 2009 to now can seem like a lifetime ago. It's funny how I feel a separation of really only 8 months from my own nefarious past which further exaggerates the separation from 2009. I suppose lifetimes in this case aren't measured in chronological time.

This brings to light another thought. I've always looked at my past (paths,mistakes,successes,etc) with the outlook of "well, that's made me the person I am today" and it's cousin "well, I wouldn't be where I am today without those choices". these views downplay the negativity of my past as well as downplay the impact of my positive choices that arguably got me to where I am now.

I feel like => "well, that's made me the person I am today" & "well, I wouldn't be where I am today without those choices" are "loser" statements. I don't yet have a better word to describe those sentences so loser is a working usage.

I think its important to recognize that my world view is informed by my past. I think its important to recognize that I have a past. but, I dont think I can say with great confidence that my past is what has gotten me to my present, or my past actions have gotten me to my present state. or ALL of my past actions have gotten me to my present state. that, ALL of my past actions are important. 

This is a really tough activity, and I am sucking at it. but I think there are some kernels of truth here, and I think that isolating  them, and growing them are going to provide more growth later. so. here they are. 

okay. done.

 

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I guess I should talk about that meeting with my friend that I hadn't seen in 14 years. The entire time I was on the verge of crying. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. When I think back to who I was when I was 16 and the way my life turned out to this point, it doesn't seem fair. I sound like a whiny bitch for saying that, but that's the emotion. That it doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that I couldn't stay in Vancouver, it doesn't seem fair that I didn't get to stay around my family, it doesn't seem fair that I lost all of my friends, it doesn't seem fair that I went to the high school that I went to, that I got the grades that I got, that I didn't have more privilege. I know all the things I'm saying sound super ridiculous, but those are the emotions. Those are the things that make me want to cry. What makes me not cry? the realization that the story hasn't been written yet, that I'm not finished, that my life isn't permanently the situation that I find myself in. that I am strong, that I am capable of almost anything. That I am smart, that I have drive, that I am teleological. I still feel really fucked from the encounter. I wrote in my paper journal a list of things that were going to be dangerous for me, or things that would challenge the growth that I was on. One of the things i wrote was people from my past coming out of the woodwork. I had messaged this guy in july he didn't respond, and then I messaged him again like last week. maybe I shouldn't have messaged him again, maybe I should have taken it as a sign. But I did, and I didn't think about my journal entry until the day we planned to meet, or maybe the day before. But here I am, dealing with this thing, that's really hard to deal with. Above, I wrote sort of how I feel, but I haven't really resolved this. I suspect though, this is why many people from my past may not wan to talk to me. There's always an upside to a situation and if it means I now have empathy for all the people I once knew, then that's gotta count for something. (long pause) I recognize now, that that was the happiest I have been in my whole life. I look forlornly at mountains, hah, not even real mountains, photos of mountains. I am still wearing the pants I had on that trip, I'm wearing them right now, I use my multi-tool almost weekly, I still have my hiking boots and even some underwear from 14 years ago. I keep these things around as a reminder I guess. A promise? -this is totally getting morose. but this is cathartic in a way too. I'm sorry you all have to see this. I peaked when I was 16. typically when I hit this level of recognition, especially if there are physical objects attached with my memory, the first thing I do is destroy the objects so as to destroy the self. I'm not doing that. nor am I going to do that. I will not destroy these items. part of me thinks this is the exact time I should burn these possessions because if I destroy the only time i was happy then I'll have nothing and by having nothing I can grow. but the other part of me says 1st. all this stuff is useful. 2nd I cant keep doing what I've always done. objects and memories don't define who I am. I can't be afraid of the past. Is this just my weakness showing through, is this just my mediocre inner demon allowing me to keep mementos of the last time I was truly happy, so that I can spend the rest of my life looking back on these, or not even looking back, but having them on me so as to feel that I never really left, that time hasn't passed, that I'm still a 16 year old boy? this is fucking dark. (long pause) The fucker tried to link personal success to shedding the dead-weight of a few meager belongings with sentimental value. but, the value these things posses is more than sentimental, the actually have real value, I don't own a pair so scissors, I have a multi-tool. quick-dry pants? they are awesome at home for lounging. and do I really need to talk about the value of underwear. nope. the possessions are around because they provide value to my real life. I am however going to attach a promise to my multi-tool, and that promise is to ensure that the experience I had on those mountains when I was 16 isn't the only one I ever have like it. simple. I said it was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. It's more complicated than that. It was the amalgamation of yearning, self-actualization. hope, and a bunch of other fun words. But I know what it was, and I've had similar experiences bicycle school in oregon (of which I still have my apron from the shop, and a baller set of tools), and wine school (still have books, and some wine in a cellar). I feel more at peace now. but still and I'm looking at you multi-tool, don't fuck it up.  

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this writing thing at 4 am. Anyways. Things are better. much better. sometimes you just gotta get it all out. Nothing going on. Have a midterm coming up on Wednesday. I've totally run out of money, so I need to figure that out soonish. I guess I wont be smoking due to lack of funds. so, I gotta figure that out. fun fun.

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The past has made you who you are because the future is always created now. What you do today, in this moment, will contribute (+ or -) to how you feel/experience the world in the future, in that moment. Moment by moment by moment. 

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Things are going to be all right.

I lament about or have lamented about living in the city that I live in. It's not the greatest city, its not the worst city, its just a city. It's that middle feeling that drives me up the wall. But fundamentally its a place where a person can do something and be okay. My biggest gripe is that I'm going to live a good life. My grandparents did well here, my mother did well here, logically it should follow that I too will do well here. Somehow that idea was like no go in my mind. But, what right do I have to complain about living a good life, Like oh no, my city is not another city! it's quite silly. Things are going to be good. I have to go to class, so I can't finish thinking this out, but, also I just had the thought so I haven't flushed it out fully yet.

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I'm pretty fixated on the year and a half I worked in coffee and how much of a waste of time it was. I have dubbed this The Worst Year and a Half of My Life.

So, I worked at this shop that was the bees knees of coffee.

I came to it from wine. In wine, I had spent several thousands of dollars learning and getting my palate effectively certified. What I mean by this is that a governing body who deals with training people to use their palate for effective decision making on product purchasing and other core business functions, trained and tested my palate, and I was successful in completing this, thus allowing me to contribute meaningfully to the world of wine based on the fact that I could taste things. 

Now, going to work at a coffee shop, who positioned themselves as quality focused, and where having a clearly identified functional palate is super important in quality control, roast profiles, purchasing, etc. effectively the one skill i had to bring to the table that would have made the most impact, didn't seem to fucking matter. I got zero traction. It was dope being a barista, but then I got moved to the bagging of coffee, by hand. This was done under the guise of being around the inner workings of the industry so  I could learn more. Yet, who I was surrounded by had effectively no sort of certification or validity in their opinion other than experience that couldn't be quantified or measured in any valid way. What I mean by this is that the main proprietor spent 6 months working as a barista at a no name shop, and then all the sudden became like gods gift to coffee. how? who trained you? how did you get exposed to what good coffee was living in a small hick town with NO access to quality coffee? the story is great on the side of the bag, but in reality, like, what makes you an amazing coffee person? 

So, the situation didn't really make much sense. To further complicate the matter, I got a pay cut. The idea was that being in this new position was going to be more time intensive, and as such I would make more money. Well, this wasn't my first job, and it certainly wasn't my first laborious job so I was able to improve processes in such a way that I had cut the expected time to complete the task IN HALF, effectively further cutting my own pay. Then, seeing that, seeing that I was adding value, and that I could work, I was being tracked to $50k a year to be a warehouse manager... which by the way, the guy that took over my job more than 5 YEARS ago is still doing. AND FOR WHAT??? to fucking work in coffee? to rub shoulders against the brilliant mind of the proprietor? fuuuuuuuuuuck that.

Anyways, I'm pissed, I guess because secretly I wanted to find a home there. I didn't get that, but I think I could have, had I changed my perspective a little. or, changed something about myself, maybe I could have found a home there. 

Part of me wants to think you shouldn't change who you are, but then part of me wonders what I am doing right now? I think the best way to identify what I am doing right now isn't so much changing who I am, but rather distilling my essence, or like making a reduction (think sauce) on the superfluous. So, Im not changing who I am, im focusing on myself. Now, I'm getting into some weird territory, but stuff to think about.

Also I feel I should close the loop on the city thing. I thought about it some more, and certainly one of the issues that I have is this relationship with my mother and her story, and how her story affected me, and who I am as a result. Part of historically wanting to go back to another city was the fact that, that's where I felt my home was, and I kind of felt like going back there was justified as like "well, I gotta do whats right for me, like you did what was right for you". I decided to take a much longer term view, and think about how I would feel at the age of 60 or 70 thinking back on not being apart of the last good years of my mothers life... How much of a dick would I feel? also, how much of a dick would I feel about not spending time with my mother, or being around to help her, because she did something a million years ago. I'd feel like a giant dick, and quite frankly, I don't really want to spend the last years of my life living in regret that I treated my own mother poorly cause I was too pathetic of an individual to see the awesomeness around me and contribute to it. I feel like this is a really good position to have, mind you, if like I got a dream opportunity I would certainly review my thoughts on the matter, but for now, this suffices.

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so, typically the period from Christmas to my birthday is the darkest period of the year for me. one, its winter so its actually quite dark out, but second the whole holiday season I have negative views towards. Obviously I should change my views so I can enjoy life more. I am not going to recount my foibles of December to my birthday pasts. suffice to say, they suck.

so, on my journey towards uber success, I've always questioned whether or not I would make it, like really, will I make it? like make it make make it. you get the idea. So I figured if I could just get through Christmas to my birthday with no hiccups I would actually be successful. That by making it through, I would have "tested" myself sufficiently, and that I was on the right path, and that if I continued to do what I was doing, whatever I am doing, success was sure to follow.
 

today is my birthday.

I made it.

I will make it.

success is inevitable.

 

 

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