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Journal - Road to a New Life


JuMpZ

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Day #81/90

Today was rather productive. I spend my morning painting, and then I went on campus to do some more figure drawing for portfolio! I then came back home and reassessed my portfolio priorities. Shortly after, I got picked up by my sister who dropped by to attend a DDR tournament nearby with a friend of hers. I stuck around to watch and cheer her on, and we then went to eat out afterwards.

I got made fun of the entire time I was eating out with my sister and a friend from some group a table away. They were just mocking my mannerisms and conversations. I honestly wasn't bothered by it, but it makes me wonder how insecure you'd have to be to do something like that. Guess I stuck out and simply didn't care.

What I'm thankful for:

Today's rather bizarre experience. It helped me realize how strong I was mentally in the face of being ridiculed.

Goals for Day #82:

More portfolio work.

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Day #82/90

Today was not as productive as yesterday. I did get some more figure drawings done to try and pick out the best for portfolio review, and I did work on my 3 tone render as well. Outside of thar, I lazed around the rest of the day. I kind of wish I spent my time lazing around working on some of my own work. If I'm going to procrastinate, I wanna do it productively.

What I'm thankful for:

The skills I've picked up. I really have grown a lot artistically. Got much more growing to do though!

Goals for Day #83:

Work out artist statement for portfolio.

Make more gestures for portfolio.

Keep fine tuning portfolio.

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5 hours ago, JuMpZ said:

Day #82/90

Today was not as productive as yesterday. I did get some more figure drawings done to try and pick out the best for portfolio review, and I did work on my 3 tone render as well. Outside of thar, I lazed around the rest of the day. I kind of wish I spent my time lazing around working on some of my own work. If I'm going to procrastinate, I wanna do it productively.

What I'm thankful for:

The skills I've picked up. I really have grown a lot artistically. Got much more growing to do though!

Goals for Day #83:

Work out artist statement for portfolio.

Make more gestures for portfolio.

Keep fine tuning portfolio.

It sounds lovely this art you're doing. ❤️🙏

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Day #83/90

Today was a weird day. I was productive overall, but a lot of feelings of loss from the past resurfaced and made me feel quite sad out of nowhere.

2020 was a devastating year for me. I was still getting over the paranoia of my older sister breaking my window a while ago in a manic episode, the unstable nature of my family and feeling disconnected from everybody, and cutting off the first person I ever had romantic feelings for, who I couldn't even be with because she was already with somebody else. The circumstances couldn't have been worse for me. I had suicidal thoughts for months. It was the first time I have ever felt suicidal. Needless to say, I'm in a much better place mentally 4 years later, thank God. All of these circumstances at play contributed to my long term break from my art program, and the last 4 years have just been a journey to put myself back on track again. This upcoming portfolio review is a culmination of all that struggle that I went through. I'm a lot closer to my mother and sister these days and I'm really happy about that. My older sister who broke my window is someone who was lost to drugs and hanging around the wrong kinds of people. And although it took a lot of processing my own spiteful and embittered emotions, I have come to terms with my own heartbreak and am wishing the two anonymous individuals the best in their future. Despite not having interacted with her for about 4 years now, I still love her very much and want the best for her. That being said, I don't think I can handle love in my life at this point. I don't want to throw everything I've worked towards away. My emotions got all twisted up out of nowhere today. I have no idea why.

What I'm thankful for:

Still being alive today.

Goals for Day #84:

Work on portfolio and get critique.

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Day #84/90

I fell asleep the moment I wanted to write this. Today was reassuring, especially hearing upperclassmen tell me I'm in a great spot to pass portfolio after taking their suggestions for submission. My main task of the week before submission is to ensure my figure drawings are at the peak of their quality.

I spent some time today working on my own animation work, and it felt good. I really felt the need to fill my tank, and realizing that I would've resorted to playing video games in that situation, instead opting for my own work felt really nice.

What I'm thankful for:

Committing to quitting for this long.

Goals for Day #85:

Grind out 1 minute figure drawings.

Take breaks and enjoy your own work.

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Day #85/90

I feel like I'm losing some steam with how close the finish line is. My portfolio isn't due until Friday, but I am working towards submitting tomorrow. I do not want to submit at the last minute, and with the feedback I've received from my peers already, I feel confident in that decision. I did not procrastinate until the last minute. I do not feel the need to scramble for more time. I want to get rid of this burden by tomorrow night and finally get it off my mind after 7 months of thinking about it nonstop.

What I'm thankful for:

My creative spark not dying out.

Goals for Day #86:

Do more 1 minute figures, and add the finishing touches to all pieces included in the portfolio.

Submit portfolio!!!

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Day #86-87/90

The last few days have been an absolute marathon to complete my portfolio. I am exhausted from the stress I went through. I feel anxious after the fact, but I am glad that I have finally submitted my portfolio after 7 months of lamenting the fact I skipped the first time around.

Tomorrow is my first day of Spring Break, and I'm going to do 0 things school related. Good night.

What I'm thankful for:

Finally submitting portfolio. That shut my negative self-talk up.

Goals for Day #88:

Don't do any art. Take a break. Clean. ANYTHING BUT SCHOOL

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Day #88-89/90

I spent the last few days trying to completely shut out anything related to school. I did work on a bit of my own animation work but nothing excessive. I spent a lot of time with my sister and we picked up some pokemon tcg starter decks to play for a bit after we came back from our outing.

Not much else to say otherwise. I'm sleeping in, and taking ALL this time during spring break for myself.

What I'm thankful for:

Some room to breathe. Been overworking my mind far too much.

Goals for Day #90:

Don't undermine the journey and celebrate your 90 days!

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Day #90/90

I got through the 90 days!!! Awesome. I'm glad I was able to get through it, and I think if it weren't for my sacrifice of giving up something I absolutely loved (video games), I probably wouldn't have been able to give my best shot at submitting a portfolio for my art program. It was either my art aspirations or video games, and I chose the former.

I don't see myself introducing video games back into my life anytime soon, if at all. I haven't had any urges to go back but I also think that I need to start cutting back on some other bad habits in my life. YouTube has been far less egregious an offender for disrupting my life than video games, but I think that cutting back on consuming social media will help me build better habits in the long run.

In any case, I'd say these 90 days have been meaningful and impactful, and if I still had games in my life I would be struggling far more right now.

What I'm thankful for:

Having the strength to not relapse. I'm glad I made it through the 90 days.

Goals for Day #91:

Work on some personal artwork.

Read.

Spend time with a friend maybe?

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On 4/1/2024 at 9:31 AM, JuMpZ said:

Day #90/90

I got through the 90 days!!! Awesome. I'm glad I was able to get through it, and I think if it weren't for my sacrifice of giving up something I absolutely loved (video games), I probably wouldn't have been able to give my best shot at submitting a portfolio for my art program. It was either my art aspirations or video games, and I chose the former.

I don't see myself introducing video games back into my life anytime soon, if at all. I haven't had any urges to go back but I also think that I need to start cutting back on some other bad habits in my life. YouTube has been far less egregious an offender for disrupting my life than video games, but I think that cutting back on consuming social media will help me build better habits in the long run.

In any case, I'd say these 90 days have been meaningful and impactful, and if I still had games in my life I would be struggling far more right now.

What I'm thankful for:

Having the strength to not relapse. I'm glad I made it through the 90 days.

Goals for Day #91:

Work on some personal artwork.

Read.

Spend time with a friend maybe?

 

Amazing, congratulations! You've worked hard to change your life, and it sounds like it has paid off.

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Day #91-95

I completely tuned out of everything once Spring Break hit, including this journal.

I've been passively working on my own projects, without any harmful personal obligations. I've been trying to let my mind breathe before being sent back into the storm that is my semester.

I still have not received a yes or no for my portfolio and I am hoping I get that answer sooner or later. The anticipation is starting to really get to me.

Also, I have not thought of returning to games, even after my 90 days. Until I discover my identity as an artist and embrace that part of myself, I cannot allow such a huge distraction like games to get in the way of that journey. I'll never get there if games are in the way. It could take me years or decades to figure that out, but that will be my ultimate ambition.

What I'm thankful for:

Being 23 years old. I have a lifetime to figure out what I want.

Goals for Day #96:

Enjoy my last day at my mothers place. Spend quality time with my sister.

Eat well, sleep well and enjoy the moment.

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Day #96

As I mentioned yesterday, I did spend a good amount of time with my sister. We drove out of town to visit an arcade and also went shopping for a bit. We went out to eat, came back home and watched some videos together. It was a simple day. Only thing is I wish it didn't feel like time flew by so quickly. It was a good day though.

What I'm thankful for:

My spring break. I have a feeling this week will make a huge difference in my performance.

Goals for Day #97:

Settle back into my place near campus.

Start working on my giraffe animation once again.

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Posted (edited)

Day #97-100

Things have been easygoing and somewhat mundane, but I've been getting through the week with relative ease. My main concern is whether or not ill get my giraffe animation at an acceptable quality by Thursday, but its not the biggest concern. I'm confident enough in my skills to bring something neat to the table. Tomorrow I'm going to work my ass off and really get that animation off the ground.

Oh, and it's my birthday tomorrow (I guess today). I'm now 24!

What I'm thankful for:

Keeping my anxiety in check, even in spite of portfolio results being a huge cliffhanger right now.

Goals for Day #101:

Push really hard and get far in that giraffe animation tomorrow. Earn your weekend.

Edited by JuMpZ
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Posted (edited)

Day #101-102

I PASSED PORTFOLIO!!!

I applied for this art program in 2019 and got declined. Applied a year later, got accepted, and transferred into this art program in 2020. I took a huge 2 year break after being broken down and crushed into pieces by the program. It's 2024 and I FINALLY made it through the first half of the art program. I cannot process my emotions. I was so scared of failure. I woke up to a server full of Spring applicants disappointed at their results, and there were a LOT. When I saw that, I was ready to rip off the band-aid and also accept my loss. But then it wasn't a loss AT ALL!!! I ACTUALLY MADE IT!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!

It TRULY hasn't processed in my head yet. I'm so happy.

What I'm thankful for:

Working hard and having all that sacrifice pay off.

Goals for Day #103:

Relax and do homework at ease. The semester isn't over yet!

Edited by JuMpZ
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Its been a while. I've been somewhat overwhelmed, despite my circumstances being lighter. If I'm as perpetually burnt out as I've claimed, then I feel like it comes in waves, and I'm currently riding a low point. I'll likely be back on this journal by Thursday.

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Day #103-111

I've been going through some highly volatile emotional states and generally feeling a low point in my depression. Nothing of extreme urgency but it has certainly been the reason I've been so vacant from this forum, and not as present in recent weeks for my studies. This period of time ended up being the time I wanted to return to gaming most, and I have a feeling it's because I wanted to suppress the chaos within me, and I guess video games were my knee-jerk reaction to ignoring all the ruminating thoughts and emotions coursing through me. It was at my lowest point this week that I felt the strongest urge to game, and I can kinda start understanding how video games made my life derail in the way it did months ago. They were the easiest way to ignore the turmoil within. I really felt the cauldron within stir with negativity and experience those moments completely lucid and unclouded by the likes of gaming.

One thing is certain. I don't see myself ever coming back to video games, especially considering how much they distracted me from the internal damage I've felt over the years. For the first time in a long while, I'm forced to confront my problems, with no room for distractions.

What I'm thankful for:

My consciousness.

Goals for Day #112:

Try and relax and not be so hard on yourself.

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Day #112

Today I lazed around for the most part. I actually slept a ton. Maybe I needed it, considering how much I was struggling to sleep during the week. In any case, I didn't do any homework today, and I'm honestly okay with that. I watched some movies with my mom, and I got some boba with my sister. It was a simple day, and I'm sure tomorrow my productive drive will kick in.

What I'm thankful for:

My mom allowing me to stay at her place, despite being a grown ass man. I hope to make her proud in the long run.

Goals for Day #113:

Get some homework done

Spend time with sister

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