seekndestroy

People here , I'd like to thank you for you support, and tell you that I will end my journal here. I prefer to write in my own diary. I wish you all good luck In your game free days and life! We got this. Thank you. M

#8 I was watching some vids from this communitys videos. And yes, I had also this thoughts about that it's not we who wants the game its our brain. Because of the Dopamine kicks the game gives us. He talked about Masturbation and porn. I'm also thinks about more things, For example, to sniff as many do in our country. Snuff. I'm talking about moist powder tobacco user. I had to google and translate the word 😂 When you stop taking that, after years, it's like you claiming to the doors. And you can Stand in a food queue at the store, all of a sudden you stand in front of The Tobaccy Raises your hand even, stretches for it, and you have to stop yourself. The brain attracts you in every possible and impossible way to take it again, though you never really like it. That's not good! But the brain has made you believe this. of course it's the same with licker. The alcoholic hates it. It's ruining his life, economi, relationship with others, his family, you name it, man. His brain. His health. When I grow up, my grandmothers brother was an alcoholic. He had delirium even. He was out going with the crocodiles he said 😂 "Wait, I'll just tie the crocodiles here on the bridge edge. " Anyway, I was looking into two videos from this community. And there come up suggestion of an psychologist that I wanted to see too. First about when life stop working and you "freez ” and what to do about it. Second vid was about what you can do for you mental health stop being on the phone. Only take it up when you going to do a specific thing. Than lay it down again stop wasting your time on the phone. second.stop buying crap . I'm thinking again what my therapist said about the phone. It takes your energy. It don't give you energy. this YouTube psychologist said something similar. We know this too, don't we. We can't be bored not even for a second. We want the phone to constantly Entertain us. When we lay done the phone, what happens? Well, I could freeze, sure. Just laying down, feeling depressed. Maybe I have little energy left in me, but I don't wants to do anything about the mess around me. That I had not controlled at all. Because I have been online somewhere, prior was online life, not THE REAL STUFF. Oh, man. but I think you can't , when you stop being online, sit around forever. You do other things sone or later. that Disk for example. But also other things. Yesterday I got two college blocks. New ink pens. I was up early this morning and wrote three pages. For it is the best I know how to deal with addiction three pages. Every morning. The first you do when you wake up . (You can take a cop of coffee too) and you never show this pages to anyone. You don't even go back and read it yourself. It's the writing that is important here. Not the reading. you wright about what you want. And you can do it on a free way, because no one, not even yourself going to read it. (Of course you can read it, but don't get obsessed to it) some days you can get a genial idea of some kind. It's ok. But mostly the morning pages is Incredibly tedious. And is there anything I learned about it is that you will not be able to nag yourself year in and year out, side up and side down, without doing anything about it in the end. I recommend Julia Cameron's book Artist's Way if you are interested. It has helped me. And millions. Julia was married to renowned film director Martin Scorsese. Many directors, actors and artists, etc. have whispered a lot of wise advice in her ears and she helps people get in touch with is your creativity, she means cures everything. She was an alcoholic herself. 3 pages every morning. No one else can read. It is a free fenced you can write what you want about your life. Add a daily walk. A date with yourself once a week, again you just have to alone. You take yourself out on a date, do something you think is funny. These are the tools .

#7 I have been busy, not much thinking about the game. I was to church yesterday. I gave back 3 books to the priest. But admitted haven't read so much. I told him , I have fighting me out of a addiction instead. Of mobile games. And he said he took away his private Facebook account. I talked little about this but I don't think he fully understood how addicted I was to this game, but it doesn't matter. The most important for me is that I'm not there any more. He gave me a Bible text. Asked me to meditate over the words. MIka 7:7-8 Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me. I then was eating and talking with others. And then I went home and wanted to hear prayers again. On Spotify. Podd. What have you. I felt a sleep for a while . Woke up, took a glas of water and went out, because my son had the concert. I we to the liberay in my little city. Talked to my other son if he wanted to come, but he said he was to tired . Another person came and talked to me when I was there. He asked me how it was with me, and I told him . He himself is in love . He talked about the addiction I just took me out of. He said life is not complicated. He said life is easy. Thinking back to what he said, I think I don't agree with him. If life was easy, I hadn't struggling with things in my life. At all. I wished him good luck with his love and plans. I thanked God, I'm not him. Because I don't want the life he is living, though he seamed to think that. I told him I'm good being my own. I like that. I'm growing being alone, I m that kind of person. I love freedom . Doing what the hell I want . I saw my son, I was so proud of him . He was playing drums to a Thin Lizzy song, Whisky in Jar, and after that, he sang in the choir, tenor. They was so good, we talked and followed back home, talking about the concert and so. When I was about to sleep I thinking this day I have almost not thinking at all about the game. I don't even feel like talking about it in same way I did before. 🙂

Thank you so much for this!!

#6 It feels like the relief and immediately happiness for leaving the game, changed to something else now. It's like my brain trying to come up with something smart. "You could go back even if you left the guild. You didn't Deleted the game account didn't you? " It's like I wanna say to myself 'go away satan! "I thought about what requirements it is to be in a guild. To be in a guild is about delivering stars. More or less. As many as you can. For me it was upwards 3000- 4000 stars My goal was to get up to, so many as I can, all players do that, and we Competing against each other. Before the max of challange stars was over 5000 stars, now they have changed it to over 6000 challange stars it is the max. It doesn't make itself, it takes all day and much of the night . Only thinking about it takes away all the joy. I don't want this, just like a alcoholic hates the licker. Yesterday I was out eating. While I eat, my hand reaches my phone. I always was eating and playing at the same time. I trying to read something but my mind keeps coming back to the game. Coming home again I felt in deep Sleep. All my mind was about the game. Again, I was dreaming about it. Woke up still deadly tired. My 17 years old son came back from school. Talking about a concert he will have this evening at school. I bought the tickets . It's 19 pm. He said to me: " Mom, I wish you can stop talking about the game" And I realized it was all I talked about because it's all I have in my brain. The emptiness is hitting me like a bomb. I'm thinking about this boring days they have now until the challenge starts again tomorrow. I'm thinking about all they preper for tomorrow's challange. Ren laying out the maps for the challenge. Other lay out vids how to do this Maps, because this maps coming back over and over. Some harder, some easier. They also have s starhero for this period. Some better, some terrible. Mercer, Sacha, Yumiko is the best. Also Zeke, Tyresse', and Connie lead. Princess also good. Worst are like the Gouverner, and many Moore.. I was watching reaction of the new spin off series the onces who lives with Rick and Michonne , The Walking Dead. Because this game have the rights from the show they can do a map from the series . They have done all The Walking Dead, all of Daryl in Paris and Negan and Maggie in New York, and of course now they doing Rick and Mischonne. My brain screaming to me YOU MISSING OUT. YOU MISSING THE REWARDS FROM THIS I found a prayer on youtube. I prayed. but , maybe, instead of missing out from the game, I can go now this evening to my son's concert . I can and I will. I don't miss the game. My brain trying to fool me. And it's not about own will when it comes to an addiction. Deeply inside of me I wants to be free. Not addicted. woke up also this morning with constantly thinking of the game, the people in the LINE.. Now I think I will trying to listen to music and clean up in the kitchen. I was too tired yesterday. I can't believe how tired I am. And depressed somehow. I wish I could plug out my brain from this game. Just be in the silence.

#5 One week without playing. Today it's monday. They have now done war finished. They share their war scores in the announcement chat. This was my last war. We was just 3 players that last Sunday so it was unusual. The next day I stoped. Now they waiting for the challange to start on Wednesday. War is for season and to morrow they might have another wardays until next Tuesday. But this don't keeps on forever. They take a break with war, no one knows for how long. But it can take some time until next war season starts. This game are Quite boring on Mondays and Tuesdays if it is not war. You collect into things that make you stronger. The Distance. Last Stand. On Monday it's Negans tomato Monday so farming gives you dubble so much tomatoes. You wait until the war season is over until you get the free weapons in the Guild war shop. I left the guild so I don't have anything to get in the shop. Instead I have a life to take care of. What about that. 😅 I have headache. But I'm glad to not be in the game. It feels like maybe The poison gets a chance to leave me. And it hurts. But when everything is gone it will feel good, better, best. It can certainly take its time. And I'll give it the time it takes.

I wants to show you the prayer that helped me, the day (on this week's Monday) that helped me, I stoped to play. ”Dear Jesus, I want to live for you. Forgive me for how I continually run to my phone for fulfillment, rather than seeking it from you. Would you help me with your Spirit’s power to overcome this addiction? May I learn to say no, so that I can say yes to you. Amen”

It sounds lovely this art you're doing. ❤️🙏

#4 Work up early. I was watching yesterday a Opera about Melancholia, the movie I saw and have seen so many times. Fall asleep after it. The opera on TV was incredible. I don't usually watch opera, but I love this movie. It describes Depression so good. I can really recommend Lars von Trier's movie Melancholia. It is about a large planet that bern hid behind the sun and is now on its way to Earth. Thinking about what I wrote, yesterday that I should go to church. Should I really? I asked myself. Yes, I answered myself. 😂 I get dressed and go out. Yes, the walk does me good! Met a work colleague across the bridge. She was so positive. Made me happy. In the church, the priest talked about something Jesus sat on the donkey. He talked about The donkey's perspective, a poem, which was humorous. The donkey thought, think! They put palm trees out for me! Finally they see me! The priest talked about the fact that we are all easier to start from ourselves. But we need to put our ego aside. It was good a good sermon. Drink coffee, talked to others, went home and on the way I bought food I should cook now. Yes, in a way I miss the game, but It is so much better feel good. Being out in my small town. Go out meet the people I am grateful to be alive. I'm glad I have a faith in God. That I have a life. Two sons. I love most of all. Thank God for helping me.

Welcome Dreamer! I am also a mother of two. And I am exhausted. I am 51 years old. My oldest son is 20 and has moving to his own and my youngest is 17 years. My youngest is so happy now for me and my oldest Cheers to me. It is sad how much time I have spend on this game and games friend that cares about nothing than the game. But life is short and I wants to be there in it. I also escape, and I think we got that common with all players. And sometimes we need to escape. It just that this games is very addicted thing we escape to. It's like heroin or something lol. It's terrible . Because the game company does things to the game to keep us there because the only thing they want is our money. Good you found us here! I found this place this week. I ended to play this Monday.

Good job. Keeping you away from gaming and eating 3 times a day is a good day and everything else is a bonus as you say. Keep it up!

Hi Kelly. I am 51 years old 🙂

Creativity cure everything I belive! Keep up with your painting!

Reading sounds Awesome! Also good you taking help from a therapist, I'm doing that too. She told me that I cant control my life, but in the game I have totally control. The game is an escape. Maybe we need to escape sometimes, and I hope we can find better things than the game to escape too. ❤️

#3 The first thought when I woke up early this morning was ” it's guild war today!" Then I thought of this site, and how happy I'm to found this place, and that I need it more than I can understand. Yesterday I was watching the YouTube video here, he was in Thailand. Happy. Talking about how to quit, and he did it by stop playing. He talked about how he used to play for 19 hours everyday . That he wanted to die, and how happy he is now. And he talked also about all time he have to do things now. I think I was dreaming about the game tonight. I was in the game. A guy that helped me a lot from the game, skirmäel from Finland, a hardcore player that used to lay out tips from his youtube channel about the game, we follow each other on Duolingo, we both is learning France there. I said to you that it's not possible to chat there. Now I sow it's . But, then you say only things like good job! And such . I'm thinking about the players you know. How it's going now, without me. If they talks about me at all. I was wondering if no chance that become co leader also not so long ago, I wanted that, yeah, he is the one drawing guild wars plans now. He told me, also from Sweden, that he was quitting this game for one year. Than it was fun playing again . But now I'm thinking I will not do as him. Capybara said "some comes back. Some is gone ". Well, I will be gone . No chance also told me that he played another game. He spend 30000K on that game . But after he quitted that game he have never missed it. I'm thinking that it's has nothing to to with your will , or if you miss it or not. This is about addiction. You have to realize that. And I think it's like other addiction. You can't go back . Not for just playing little bit. It's like an alcoholic think he can take one glas. Just one? Everyone knows you can't do that. The guy in the video said he hadn't played for ten years. There is no going back. That's what I belive in. But I was also thinking about the phone in itself is an addiction. And I have not so much disare anymore being so much in the phone. But in the phone games, I was thinking about one thing I was reading, you are never finished. There is no end of it. The game keeps going on forever. So it feels so good finish things. Finish the dishes. Finish cleaning the room. Outside from the phone game there is a lot of things you can finish. And that feels good. So finish something. Go on and finishing things. Today I'm awful tired. Headache sometimes. I was sleeping on this day. Thinking that maybe I'm more exhausted than I thought and that much is about this game. Maybe my brain is in Shock not constantly playing, and talking in the LINE chat. Yesterday I was watching a movie on my TV, I really loved and already seen many times, Lars von Triers movie Melancholia. That, had never happened before. All my time was to the game. It's scary, how blind I was . Capybara said that he always felt better when he went to gym or taking swim. But how good wouldn't he also feel, if he stopped playing? Because I think the game itself make us depressed. Yes, I saw the news in Russia , IS shooting people , 150 is dead . Either by being shot, or by the smoke they choked. They set fire to the mall where the concert was. 6000 were at the concert. It is scary and sad and horrible. I want to take a walk to church tomorrow. It will do me good. I'm thinking about another thing Capybara said. That it's not an addiction this game. Of course he is in denial. He is a hardcore player . Another same as Capy said that when you're a hardcore player you finished the challange in just two hours. Yes, I said, but it takes time come where they're. Now I'm wondering why they have to do it at all. They is maxed up their heroes, and they keep playing the game. Is goes faster, because they are fully upgraded, but why? Why can't they stop? Because it's about the ego? Claiming those lists.. ? Also it is because the game company knows how to keep the players. It's about the perfect balance of doing it hard, but not too hard so they give up. The company knows how to keep the players, and how to getting their money continue to them. They knows what they're doing . They manipulate the players . And that's not fair but more important it's not worth it! Being depressed and miss out your life that keeps happening outside from your phone. Look up from your phone. Discover your life you've been giving. Don't waste it anymore. Questions like this , I don't think they wants to see them, or even .. aware of it at all. Playing is fun. Yes, I was thinking so too. Capybara said to me, why do you stop playing if you like it? He could also ask a alcoholic why he is drinking and wanna stop if he like it? Capy said that he wants players to stop because they're bored of the game and leaving happy. I don't think anyone of them are happy. And they will never been as long they playing . No one that's leaving the game is happy. I think everyone playing that game is depressed and addicted, just like me. I was quitting this week this Monday. It was a process. I did it. And I wants to say to myself GOOD JOB! Way to go! Hurray! I needs to celibrate this someway. Sone a whole week without playing .

Thank you!

I have also been dreaming I remember , but I can't remember about what. 😂 I used to write the first thing I did when I woke up, 3 pages in a collège block. That's is a really good tool I want to go back to.

DAY # 2 Time I woke up: early Time I went to sleep yesterday: 21:30 pm ca Physical task: removed my players prenumerations on Youtube Mental task: Still very much thinking about my game. That I had two account. How much time it took. Capy often wanted me to do things, screenshot of the players score, at challange, at war. to the announcement chat. There is was no chat, scores only . but in the leader chat, or in private, Capy wanted also screenshot of players that's been inactive, their levels, and who to boot, if the guld was full and it often was . 20)20 players. He found another women that became co leader, in the other guild I had . She was helping him recruiting new players. I was helping him remove the inactive players. I was leader there at first, but stepped down to co leader. She reminds me about myself. We are as it seams in the same age, she's from Denmark, Im from Sweden. Capy was an Italian leaving with his family in Spain . He said he started to play when his dad died . He have a elderly mom in Italy left, she don't wants to move to Spain he said. anyway, besides everything with the game, I was talking with Capybara almost everyday all these years. About the game. About life . In privat or in the chats. He said when I was a leader that i have to keep live in the chats . Talking everyday . If so just say good morning. Or news about the game . Talking with the players of all kind of things . The more they talk the more they play, he said. Again, why do we most to have to play so much?? not only took it time to do all Game stuff. We talked a lot too. the reason I cried was when a member in my guild said I was spamming the chats . Thats when I knew I was done . He are wrong! capybara said he don't have to read! You can talk about what you want. He said. But I knew this player was right . later, when i had left the guld, and Capy was disappointed I guess, he admitted he had hoped that i would calm down. It was when he said that I knew I had done the right thing. Well. I was googling a lot before I decided to end. And it's scary to see how much manipulation it's in this games. They are building them so we got addicted . I think it's so with all apps. And they doing all they can so we will spend money . Also, they do it difficult, but not so difficult that we feel for quitting. They know the perfect balance of this . Anyway, he even said that I could easily being replaced if I would disappear. But he could also say that without me nothing would work. He had no patient and wanted things fast. I was often online and I could deliver things to him fast. I had two phones and two game accounts and I was about to building up also my alternative account. Jesus Christ I can't even understand what was I thinking ??! another thing about the game is that my photo gallery is full of pictures at scores , heroes, weapons, armors, etc etc...and I need to take all this away, as a future goal. (Trying to ignore my brain that saying this Can be good tO have if I ever go back. BUT NO. I WILL NOT GO BACK. ) I am learning France on Duolingo. Have two game friends there. I can keep then there, because there is no chat in that app, I'm thinking . Projects: * Going to retreat on long Friday Easter in church. Looking Forward to that. * Me and my friend going to a concert with my youngest son at school . Calling her about it Monday * Missing my oldest son . We been talking about going to movie and eating thai on a resturang we like. Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ Seeing Dr sone. ~ Seeing my therapist sone ~ Talking with my union about a meeting we been waiting for. My union wants to do an Power collection for finding a solution about my work situation . I'm in a rehabilitering . I wants my job back. ~ I want to start reading more ~ Summary of Day #: Another day without playing! Another day without capybara etc. They probably already forgot all about me. What I am grateful for today: ~ beeing out. ~ meeting my friend, drinking coffee, talking ~ we was walking out in the sun ~ me will surprise my youngest son after school with his favorite food my son's Support means a lot. It was actually my oldest son that first started to talk with me about my addiction. I didnt wanted to listen at him at first . My youngest son is happy for I think all of us that I quitted the game. Over and out!

No man's land, The Walking Dead

Thank you, and thanks for support! Im reading your journal too now. 🙏

A new book to read. That is what I wish to do also. It feels like I stopped reading books when Internet came. It's terrible. I loved reading books. When I was growing up. God, what I miss reading books. What did you read about? What is it about? Keep up the positive things you do!

Thanks for you post! Makes me full of hope.

Wow! That is so good tips! I feel actually depressed. But reading your journal makes me happy. Go out every day is a wonderful goal. I also used to run once. Not as long as you did. I was so happy for running 5 Kilometers, twice a week. I have a longing to come back to it again but it has felt so impossible. But I really want to. 🤔

It's not easy to cleaning up things, but it's the only way. I also felt so. The day when I decided to leave my game, I was googling a lot ”how do I stop my phone game addicton” and I didn't found what I was looking for. But then, I did my own plan. It was brutal. It was about delete LINE. Leave the game. Things I thought was impossible. Because I have been playing so many years. But I did it. And now when I read your journal here, I know I'll have to clean up my YouTube too! I follow a lot of players there, they lay up their video tips. Now I will unfollow them. Thank you .🙏