JuMpZ

I don't believe I have looked into that workbook. It's tough, I've been so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm too exhausted to even process my issues any further than putting a label on my problems. "Putting a label" might seem like a reductionist way of describing my struggles but I have actually put thought into what my problems are and even some solutions, but I just can't bring myself to execute those things. I've been a mess for a while and it takes a lot for me to push for change. I appreciate your support in my time of turmoil.

Day #115 I've been having a lot of negative thoughts, and they've been haunting me during the final stretch of this semester. Lots of impostor syndrome and wondering if I'm ever going to become a professional artist. I'm actively watching myself fall into defeatist attitudes and visualizing myself not making it. Obviously, the #1 thing that matters is whether or not I'm happy, but I'm sad that I'm not able to maintain a level of discipline to take small steps to reach my goals. I quit video games so I could focus on my studies and my growth as an artist, but I've been stuck on step 1 forever now. I need to buckle down and figure out what my next step is and force myself through my mental paralysis. Yeah, I've been really unhappy lately. It's SUUUUUCKS. Didn't get a lot of work done today. I actually just remembered that I did sketch earlier. I finally did it after a long period of time, so I guess that's a small victory. Not even... as I'm typing this I'm realizing that it's actually a bigger achievement than I'm making it out to be, I'm glad I did some drawing today. My brain just REALLY hates me lately, that's all. What I'm thankful for: The faculty of my intense art program granting me a chance to have a future in the upper division art classes. Goals for Day #116: Work on comps for final digital painting More progress on animation final; shoot video reference

Day #113-114 The weekend has largely been unproductive. Ive been really hard on myself lately and have questioned the impact video games have had on my day to day life. It's true that they were ultimately a detriment to my ambitions but the reality is that I'm still struggling a lot to reach my own expectations. Obviously I knew going into this detox that simply quitting won't be enough to make changes, and that I actively need to be proactive in making a difference in my lifestyle, but I've been struggling a lot with taking initiative in my own life. I always have. Easy things are hard for me, and I'll never fully understand why. What I'm thankful for: Still having time to gain momentum for finals Goals for Day #115: Work on animation final (time the keys)

Day #112 Today I lazed around for the most part. I actually slept a ton. Maybe I needed it, considering how much I was struggling to sleep during the week. In any case, I didn't do any homework today, and I'm honestly okay with that. I watched some movies with my mom, and I got some boba with my sister. It was a simple day, and I'm sure tomorrow my productive drive will kick in. What I'm thankful for: My mom allowing me to stay at her place, despite being a grown ass man. I hope to make her proud in the long run. Goals for Day #113: Get some homework done Spend time with sister

Day #103-111 I've been going through some highly volatile emotional states and generally feeling a low point in my depression. Nothing of extreme urgency but it has certainly been the reason I've been so vacant from this forum, and not as present in recent weeks for my studies. This period of time ended up being the time I wanted to return to gaming most, and I have a feeling it's because I wanted to suppress the chaos within me, and I guess video games were my knee-jerk reaction to ignoring all the ruminating thoughts and emotions coursing through me. It was at my lowest point this week that I felt the strongest urge to game, and I can kinda start understanding how video games made my life derail in the way it did months ago. They were the easiest way to ignore the turmoil within. I really felt the cauldron within stir with negativity and experience those moments completely lucid and unclouded by the likes of gaming. One thing is certain. I don't see myself ever coming back to video games, especially considering how much they distracted me from the internal damage I've felt over the years. For the first time in a long while, I'm forced to confront my problems, with no room for distractions. What I'm thankful for: My consciousness. Goals for Day #112: Try and relax and not be so hard on yourself.

Its been a while. I've been somewhat overwhelmed, despite my circumstances being lighter. If I'm as perpetually burnt out as I've claimed, then I feel like it comes in waves, and I'm currently riding a low point. I'll likely be back on this journal by Thursday.

Day #101-102 I PASSED PORTFOLIO!!! I applied for this art program in 2019 and got declined. Applied a year later, got accepted, and transferred into this art program in 2020. I took a huge 2 year break after being broken down and crushed into pieces by the program. It's 2024 and I FINALLY made it through the first half of the art program. I cannot process my emotions. I was so scared of failure. I woke up to a server full of Spring applicants disappointed at their results, and there were a LOT. When I saw that, I was ready to rip off the band-aid and also accept my loss. But then it wasn't a loss AT ALL!!! I ACTUALLY MADE IT!!! YESSSSSSSS!!! It TRULY hasn't processed in my head yet. I'm so happy. What I'm thankful for: Working hard and having all that sacrifice pay off. Goals for Day #103: Relax and do homework at ease. The semester isn't over yet!

Day #97-100 Things have been easygoing and somewhat mundane, but I've been getting through the week with relative ease. My main concern is whether or not ill get my giraffe animation at an acceptable quality by Thursday, but its not the biggest concern. I'm confident enough in my skills to bring something neat to the table. Tomorrow I'm going to work my ass off and really get that animation off the ground. Oh, and it's my birthday tomorrow (I guess today). I'm now 24! What I'm thankful for: Keeping my anxiety in check, even in spite of portfolio results being a huge cliffhanger right now. Goals for Day #101: Push really hard and get far in that giraffe animation tomorrow. Earn your weekend.

Day #96 As I mentioned yesterday, I did spend a good amount of time with my sister. We drove out of town to visit an arcade and also went shopping for a bit. We went out to eat, came back home and watched some videos together. It was a simple day. Only thing is I wish it didn't feel like time flew by so quickly. It was a good day though. What I'm thankful for: My spring break. I have a feeling this week will make a huge difference in my performance. Goals for Day #97: Settle back into my place near campus. Start working on my giraffe animation once again.

Day #91-95 I completely tuned out of everything once Spring Break hit, including this journal. I've been passively working on my own projects, without any harmful personal obligations. I've been trying to let my mind breathe before being sent back into the storm that is my semester. I still have not received a yes or no for my portfolio and I am hoping I get that answer sooner or later. The anticipation is starting to really get to me. Also, I have not thought of returning to games, even after my 90 days. Until I discover my identity as an artist and embrace that part of myself, I cannot allow such a huge distraction like games to get in the way of that journey. I'll never get there if games are in the way. It could take me years or decades to figure that out, but that will be my ultimate ambition. What I'm thankful for: Being 23 years old. I have a lifetime to figure out what I want. Goals for Day #96: Enjoy my last day at my mothers place. Spend quality time with my sister. Eat well, sleep well and enjoy the moment.

Day #90/90 I got through the 90 days!!! Awesome. I'm glad I was able to get through it, and I think if it weren't for my sacrifice of giving up something I absolutely loved (video games), I probably wouldn't have been able to give my best shot at submitting a portfolio for my art program. It was either my art aspirations or video games, and I chose the former. I don't see myself introducing video games back into my life anytime soon, if at all. I haven't had any urges to go back but I also think that I need to start cutting back on some other bad habits in my life. YouTube has been far less egregious an offender for disrupting my life than video games, but I think that cutting back on consuming social media will help me build better habits in the long run. In any case, I'd say these 90 days have been meaningful and impactful, and if I still had games in my life I would be struggling far more right now. What I'm thankful for: Having the strength to not relapse. I'm glad I made it through the 90 days. Goals for Day #91: Work on some personal artwork. Read. Spend time with a friend maybe?

Day #88-89/90 I spent the last few days trying to completely shut out anything related to school. I did work on a bit of my own animation work but nothing excessive. I spent a lot of time with my sister and we picked up some pokemon tcg starter decks to play for a bit after we came back from our outing. Not much else to say otherwise. I'm sleeping in, and taking ALL this time during spring break for myself. What I'm thankful for: Some room to breathe. Been overworking my mind far too much. Goals for Day #90: Don't undermine the journey and celebrate your 90 days!

Thank you so much!

Day #86-87/90 The last few days have been an absolute marathon to complete my portfolio. I am exhausted from the stress I went through. I feel anxious after the fact, but I am glad that I have finally submitted my portfolio after 7 months of lamenting the fact I skipped the first time around. Tomorrow is my first day of Spring Break, and I'm going to do 0 things school related. Good night. What I'm thankful for: Finally submitting portfolio. That shut my negative self-talk up. Goals for Day #88: Don't do any art. Take a break. Clean. ANYTHING BUT SCHOOL

Day #85/90 I feel like I'm losing some steam with how close the finish line is. My portfolio isn't due until Friday, but I am working towards submitting tomorrow. I do not want to submit at the last minute, and with the feedback I've received from my peers already, I feel confident in that decision. I did not procrastinate until the last minute. I do not feel the need to scramble for more time. I want to get rid of this burden by tomorrow night and finally get it off my mind after 7 months of thinking about it nonstop. What I'm thankful for: My creative spark not dying out. Goals for Day #86: Do more 1 minute figures, and add the finishing touches to all pieces included in the portfolio. Submit portfolio!!!

Day #84/90 I fell asleep the moment I wanted to write this. Today was reassuring, especially hearing upperclassmen tell me I'm in a great spot to pass portfolio after taking their suggestions for submission. My main task of the week before submission is to ensure my figure drawings are at the peak of their quality. I spent some time today working on my own animation work, and it felt good. I really felt the need to fill my tank, and realizing that I would've resorted to playing video games in that situation, instead opting for my own work felt really nice. What I'm thankful for: Committing to quitting for this long. Goals for Day #85: Grind out 1 minute figure drawings. Take breaks and enjoy your own work.

Day #83/90 Today was a weird day. I was productive overall, but a lot of feelings of loss from the past resurfaced and made me feel quite sad out of nowhere. 2020 was a devastating year for me. I was still getting over the paranoia of my older sister breaking my window a while ago in a manic episode, the unstable nature of my family and feeling disconnected from everybody, and cutting off the first person I ever had romantic feelings for, who I couldn't even be with because she was already with somebody else. The circumstances couldn't have been worse for me. I had suicidal thoughts for months. It was the first time I have ever felt suicidal. Needless to say, I'm in a much better place mentally 4 years later, thank God. All of these circumstances at play contributed to my long term break from my art program, and the last 4 years have just been a journey to put myself back on track again. This upcoming portfolio review is a culmination of all that struggle that I went through. I'm a lot closer to my mother and sister these days and I'm really happy about that. My older sister who broke my window is someone who was lost to drugs and hanging around the wrong kinds of people. And although it took a lot of processing my own spiteful and embittered emotions, I have come to terms with my own heartbreak and am wishing the two anonymous individuals the best in their future. Despite not having interacted with her for about 4 years now, I still love her very much and want the best for her. That being said, I don't think I can handle love in my life at this point. I don't want to throw everything I've worked towards away. My emotions got all twisted up out of nowhere today. I have no idea why. What I'm thankful for: Still being alive today. Goals for Day #84: Work on portfolio and get critique.

Day #82/90 Today was not as productive as yesterday. I did get some more figure drawings done to try and pick out the best for portfolio review, and I did work on my 3 tone render as well. Outside of thar, I lazed around the rest of the day. I kind of wish I spent my time lazing around working on some of my own work. If I'm going to procrastinate, I wanna do it productively. What I'm thankful for: The skills I've picked up. I really have grown a lot artistically. Got much more growing to do though! Goals for Day #83: Work out artist statement for portfolio. Make more gestures for portfolio. Keep fine tuning portfolio.

Day #81/90 Today was rather productive. I spend my morning painting, and then I went on campus to do some more figure drawing for portfolio! I then came back home and reassessed my portfolio priorities. Shortly after, I got picked up by my sister who dropped by to attend a DDR tournament nearby with a friend of hers. I stuck around to watch and cheer her on, and we then went to eat out afterwards. I got made fun of the entire time I was eating out with my sister and a friend from some group a table away. They were just mocking my mannerisms and conversations. I honestly wasn't bothered by it, but it makes me wonder how insecure you'd have to be to do something like that. Guess I stuck out and simply didn't care. What I'm thankful for: Today's rather bizarre experience. It helped me realize how strong I was mentally in the face of being ridiculed. Goals for Day #82: More portfolio work.

Day #80/90 Just another day feeling super dull, and unable to get a lot of work done. After class instead of going straight back home I went to a mall and spent some time around the area. I knew that if I went home I'd likely sleep the rest of my day away, so I'm glad I was conscious enough to make a better decision. What I'm thankful for: Water. Goals for Day #81: Go to figure drawing in the morning. Work on portfolio all day.

If you feel you're able to commit to any exercising regimen, it will do wonders for you! Thank you for sharing your experiences with me 🙂

Day #78-79/90 I've been taking it slow due to my physical health taking a hit from food poisoning the last few days. The turmoil it caused to my overall structure and outlook on my day to day life is reflected in my lack of consistency in writing these entries. On top of that, portfolio stress is at its peak now that I'm nearly down to my last week of working on portfolio. I'm close to having it be submitted, I just need new gesture drawings that demonstrate my growth in understanding form. I also need my artist statement, which I'm not quite sure what it'll be. I definitely need to touch upon my roundabout journey and unique experience in this program. 4 years have led up to this ultimatum of a decision. Be good or be dropped. I've grown a lot from zero and I feel more than capable of making to the higher division art classes. My tree painting turned out unfinished. There's a lot of potential in it, but I will be investing time into the portfolio instead of the tree. Here is my most recent iteration: Digital Tree Painting What I'm thankful for: My outside world not falling apart despite myself feeling that way internally. Goals for Day #80: Finish animation homework. Continue refining portfolio. This is the final stretch!

Day #77/90 I could not sleep at all last night. I was so ill and it just hit me out of nowhere. The entirety of my day was spent feeling super sluggish and feeling unable to be as productive as I wanted to be. Not much to say otherwise. What I'm thankful for: My mom. She wanted to drive out 2 hours to pick me up and bring me back home. I declined, of course, but she would've done it with no hesitation. Goals for Day #78: Take it easy. You already finished your homework for today. Work on tomorrow's homework at your own leisurely pace. Try and make it to class if you're feeling better by then. I'm already feeling better, so it's possible I won't have to miss class again.

Day #76/90 I'll put it bluntly, I felt very disconnected to the events that occurred today. My family decided to all come along with me to drop me off at my place near campus, but we went to the park and then went out to eat. Throughout those experiences I wanted to feel disconnected from my responsibilities. Now here I am, working on my art homework that isn't urgently due but I also don't feel very into it right now. Here's something I wrote up not too long ago: "I sometimes wonder if my negative and positive emotions ever fall outside the umbrella of burnout. I can't tell if I've been conditioned into a state of perpetual burnout from my art program since 2020. I don't feel the need to break down and scream or cry. However, I fear that my burnout has completely numbed myself from that need at all. My body can't seem to tell what to feel. I just feel like I need to keep working." I'm wondering if my gravitation towards napping and sleeping is a result of this burnout. What I'm thankful for: My family and friends not being thrown off by my dissonant behaviors. Goals for Day #77: Get feedback on my tree painting, which is still currently in a very basic beginning state. Knock out 20 more giraffe gestures. Work on portfolio.

Day #75/90 Today was pretty straightforward. I spent a good amount of time with my sister, went home, did some schoolwork, and now I'm in bed. The progress I made this weekend is decent, and I still have all of tomorrow to continue pushing out progress for my classes and portfolio. What I'm thankful for: Not losing my sense of caring for others in spite of the heavy emotional damage inflicted upon me 5 years ago. I may or may not touch upon it in these entries. Goals for Day #76: 20 more giraffe gesture drawings More tree painting progress More portfolio adjustments before final submission.