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Journal - Road to a New Life


JuMpZ

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Day #53/90

I spent a majority of today with my sister. After going to my ortho appointment, we went to a local bakery and got some sweets. We then headed to Best Buy and browsed various electronics. I was particularly interested in a new laptop, since my current one is on its last legs. I likely won't be able to invest for a while though, since I'm not currently employed. Once I start working again sometime this Spring that'll definitely be on my mind when it comes to future investments.

Otherwise, I didn't really work today. I'll allow it this time because I was working 24/7 throughout the entirety of last week. Once I spend a little time with a friend tomorrow though, I'm headed straight back home and grinding out my artwork.

What I'm thankful for:

My vision. I need to take better care of it...

Goals for Day #54

Work on portfolio work

Make good progress on homework

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Day #54/90

I'll be honest, i forgot the entire point of this journaling process was to aid my journey in quitting video games. The fact 54 days have passed is kind of ridiculous. It truly felt like I blinked and time flew past me instantly.

Anyways, today I spent my time working on a pencil render. I spent countless hours on it today and the fact I don't feel fatigue from investing time in such a time consuming project is always so validating to me. It shows me how patient I've truly become and to trust the process of building my fundamentals, regardless of how mundane they may be.

The fact I enjoy rendering a cube for hours on end speaks volumes to me.

At the moment I'm working on my Acorn Painting. I'm addressing some of the issues I have with the simplicity of the acorn. Otherwise I spent the majority of my day grinding out schoolwork, as I should be.

What I'm thankful for:

My slow recovery. 2020 up until now has been a long process of mental rehabilitation but I'm finally starting to feel more free to be vulnerable to those I'm closest to again.

 

Goals for Day #55

Work on portfolio work

Work on animation homework

Watch a film. Take a break from the 24/7 art grind.

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Day #55/90

My family wanted to spend time with me so for a majority of today, that's what we did. We went over to a park local to my area. I rollerbladed alongside my sister riding a longboard, and she managed to get some photography work in.

Afterwards we went to a restaurant where I bordered some spaghetti. Throughout the pockets of time I did have I worked on a pencil rendering for my portfolio, just to utilize the idle time.

Now I'm back and ready to either continue working on portfolio work or animation homework. It was a simple day, but not a bad one by any means. Time kinda just flew by without much room for the typical introspection I'd normally have with my free time.

What I'm thankful for:

Living so close to my family. Not many have the luxury of studying within their immediate family's vicinity.

Goals for Day #56:

Work on animation homework

Work on portfolio. The time for submission approaches.

Edited by JuMpZ
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Day #56/90

I got a lot of feedback on my portfolio today. A lot of varying opinions on the overall structure and quality of my portfolio pieces, but ultimately I was met with an overall consensus that I don't have much to worry about.

I was very slow today. As a result, I didn't actually get a lot done. Hopefully that won't be the case for tomorrow.

Not much else to say otherwise.

 

What I'm thankful for:

The time I spend alone. It can be a blessing or a curse, but I feel it's a necessity regardless.

 

Goals for Day #57

Grind out animation homework

Start pinecone painting

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Day #57/90

Today sucked. I ended up missing class because I was feeling extremely weak and lethargic, and I know its because I havent allowed myself to get enough sleep. I haven't been paying attention to my physical health all too well. I've neglected to mention that this point in my life is likely the most out of shape I've ever been. Stress eating, inconsistent usage of antidepressants among many other bad habits have contributed to my current physical state, and it's definitely what has been dragging me down these days.

I should honestly sleep now. I'm painting a pinecone but it's not worth the time spent being awake.

What im thankful for:

Being young enough to bounce back from these habits faster than I would later on in life.

Goals for Day #58:

Finish animation homework.

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Day #58-59/90

What a laborious 48 hours. I shouldn't really even be up right now, but at least I don't have class tomorrow. I spent the last few days animating 24/7. I still have a week to do this assignment, but I am trying to ensure I make it as portfolio ready as possible.

Not much to say, but I do think the way I managed my last few days was pretty unhealthy. I did nothing but animate, I definitely should've taken a step away from my screens and walked or something because I feel like a zombie.

What I'm thankful for:

The merciful workload this semester. I can afford my bad habits but I still feel bad about them.

Goals for Day #60

Take a walk.

Engage in social activity outside of the house.

Work on animation/painting homework.

Portfolio corrections based on feedback.

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Day #60/90

2/3 of the way there! I'm honestly pretty impressed with my streak so far! I definitely feel I have a lot more done compared to my last semester (completely devastating semester) and it's all thanks to the time opened up from dropping games.

Anyways, I wasn't as productive as I'd like to be today but I did make time for myself which I guess is inherently productive for self care purposes. I studied with a friend on campus and I'd call our session successful!

Anyways, there's not much to comment on otherwise. Tomorrow marks another day to grind!

What I'm thankful for:

My mental strength. I didn't realize how much restraint I could exercise until I did something like quit games for an extensive period of time.

Goals for Day #61:

Animation homework

Painting homework

Portfolio oriented work.

Take real breaks. Do something for you.

 

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On 2/23/2024 at 2:57 PM, JuMpZ said:

As selfish as it sounds, I haven't even started thinking as far as serving others, because I'm still trying to take care of myself.

That's not selfish, that's so caring! To serve others well, you need to first serve yourself ❤️ 

Thank you for your thoughts and experiences- it is very helpful to hear a unique, different perspective. Cannot agree, but very much understand and appreciate how you approach art, it's wonderful 🙂

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3 hours ago, Pochatok said:

That's not selfish, that's so caring! To serve others well, you need to first serve yourself ❤️ 

Thank you for your thoughts and experiences- it is very helpful to hear a unique, different perspective. Cannot agree, but very much understand and appreciate how you approach art, it's wonderful 🙂

I appreciate the nuanced response and also am glad to hear somebody else's own thoughts and experiences other than my own. I haven't had many opportunities to engage in such discussion, mostly due to my pessimistic view on the internet, and how futile meaningful discussion generally can be online. I guess I just figured in a space such as this one, where people go out of their way to try and improve themselves, I feel more inclined to be more open.

Thank you again for your meaningful input!

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Posted (edited)

Day #61/90

Yesterday was pretty neat. I spent some time working on my pinecone painting, and then afterwards I went to a local theatre and watched a film called "The Inventor" which was a stop motion/2d animated film about Leonardo Da Vinci. Afterwards the director, Jim Capobianco, walked out on stage alongside more of his team to answer questions. I definitely wanted to ask something but my mind was hazy and I'm not even entirely sure what I would ask. I'd have to give it a bit more thought in hindsight.

In any case, it was a good day. When I got back home that night my roommate cooked and served a tofu dish (I never eat tofu but I enjoyed it quite a bit), and then I played some chess for the first time in a very long while. I really don't know much about chess other than the basic functions of the pieces. Strategies and patterns are completely lost on me since when I did play I was a complete casual. I then finished off my night with a bit more pinecone painting.

Fast forward to present day, I'm currently up and am funneling all my energy towards getting my pinecone painting finished.

What I'm thankful for:

Not being a loner and getting out of my comfort zone. I'm glad I'm able to maintain basic social interaction.

Goals for Day #62:

Finish or get 80% of your pinecone done.

Work on animation homework.

Do 10-20 1 minute figure drawings to practice for portfolio.

Create a list of priorities for portfolio.

Edited by JuMpZ
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Day #62/90

Today was a pretty straightforward day. I spent a majority of my day working on my pinecone painting, which was quite challenging and I'm not as far as I'd like to be, but that's alright. I'm 95% past the shape block in phase and am currently trying to push and render in values.

De_La_Torre_Rick_Pinecone3-3-24.thumb.jpg.f34ec5ef0446172de7c41c77011f06a5.jpg

I still have a lot of work to do, but I think it's getting there. The floor and wall plane are far too saturated but I'm not too worried about that right now. I probably should be though, it could be altering my perception of saturation in the pinecone, so I'll probably address that first thing tomorrow.

What I'm thankful for:

Guilt free rest.

Goals for Day #63:

Funnel all my energies towards getting significant animation work done. Get on a voice call of some sort, since it seems to help tons with productivity for whatever reason vs complete silence.

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Posted (edited)

Day #63-#67/90

I've really let go of my daily journaling practices. To be honest, in the span of an entire week, not a lot has really happened. I have been grinding my schoolwork 24/7 and have succumbed to terrible sleeping habits. Not my proudest day to day structure throughout the week. My senses and will to do things have been kinda dull. I don't really know how to describe this feeling of mine. I feel a level of desensitization I suppose. My eating habits have been somewhat out of control, and I have a feeling it's out of a need to feel something.

In any case, I haven't really felt any urges to go back to games.

What I'm thankful for:

Not being alone in my struggle, and having a safety net.

Goals for Day #68:

Draw 3 trees (1 hr minimum per tree)

Relax

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Day #68/90

I fell asleep before I even had the chance to do this entry. The day went okay. I spent way too long on my trees and that's not because I drew them with excessive detail, it's because I fell back to old habits and allowed my overthinking to take over my process. 2 hours looks like a 30 minute effort, and I intend to be more conscientious of that.

I had a friend have me over for a tabletop game day and that was a pretty fun time.

What I'm thankful for: 

Lazy mornings.

Goals for Day #69:

Finish all 5 tree drawings, whether that be from photo reference of from life.

Make readjustments to portfolio.

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Day #69-70/90

The last few days sucked honestly. I had 0 momentum throughout the day. I sat down in front of my computer staring for hours wanting to work on my assignment, and it just wasn't happening. I finally got my work done at the end of the day, but today could've been WAY more efficient and I resent myself for allowing so much valuable time to go down the drain. I really haven't felt like myself lately. I'm doing what I can to bounce back from this slump. Irritability has been increased overall. This mood shift kind of occurred with no real rhyme or reason, to be honest.

What I'm thankful for:

No longer thinking a streak of bad days isn't the end of the world. Myself less than 5 years ago would allow this sorta thing to snowball into months upon months of feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing about it. I'm going to bounce back this week regardless of how I'm feeling right now.

Goals for Day #71:

Work on portfolio. This is a top priority.

Work on digital painting work.

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Day #71-74/90

I'm feeling overall better compared to the beginning of this week. I managed to get my second draft of my portfolio review done and checked in by upperclassmen. The reception I received was a lot better than anticipated. There are far less errors with my portfolio than expected and I don't nearly have as much work to do as anticipated. In any case, I am still pretty overwhelmed by portfolio in general, and that is what has been driving my inconsistency with this journal, I think. My classes actually haven't really overloaded me with work for the time being, but portfolio has taken a lot of mental space and it has been burning me out in all honesty. I cannot wait until I finally submit portfolio, because I feel like I spend more time thinking about submitting it than actually putting work into it.

 

What I'm thankful for: 

Being able to see visible progress in my artistic journey. Generally speaking, I find it quite hard to observe any growth in myself as an artist. Trying to watch myself grow is like waiting for the day to end by watching a clock continuously tick. Being able to step back and say "I really am improving" is something I will not be experiencing at all times, so I don't take those few times for granted.
 

Goals for Day #75:

Make progress on tree painting.

Do 20 Giraffe Gestures.

Make fixes to graphite 3 tone cube-like render for portfolio.

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Day #75/90

Today was pretty straightforward. I spent a good amount of time with my sister, went home, did some schoolwork, and now I'm in bed. The progress I made this weekend is decent, and I still have all of tomorrow to continue pushing out progress for my classes and portfolio.

What I'm thankful for:

Not losing my sense of caring for others in spite of the heavy emotional damage inflicted upon me 5 years ago. I may or may not touch upon it in these entries.

Goals for Day #76:

20 more giraffe gesture drawings

More tree painting progress

More portfolio adjustments before final submission.

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Day #76/90

I'll put it bluntly, I felt very disconnected to the events that occurred today. My family decided to all come along with me to drop me off at my place near campus, but we went to the park and then went out to eat. Throughout those experiences I wanted to feel disconnected from my responsibilities. Now here I am, working on my art homework that isn't urgently due but I also don't feel very into it right now.
 

Here's something I wrote up not too long ago:

"I sometimes wonder if my negative and positive emotions ever fall outside the umbrella of burnout. I can't tell if I've been conditioned into a state of perpetual burnout from my art program since 2020. I don't feel the need to break down and scream or cry. However, I fear that my burnout has completely numbed myself from that need at all. My body can't seem to tell what to feel. I just feel like I need to keep working."

I'm wondering if my gravitation towards napping and sleeping is a result of this burnout.

What I'm thankful for:

My family and friends not being thrown off by my dissonant behaviors.

Goals for Day #77:

Get feedback on my tree painting, which is still currently in a very basic beginning state.

Knock out 20 more giraffe gestures.

Work on portfolio.

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Day #77/90

I could not sleep at all last night. I was so ill and it just hit me out of nowhere. The entirety of my day was spent feeling super sluggish and feeling unable to be as productive as I wanted to be. Not much to say otherwise.

What I'm thankful for:

My mom. She wanted to drive out 2 hours to pick me up and bring me back home. I declined, of course, but she would've done it with no hesitation.

Goals for Day #78:

Take it easy. You already finished your homework for today. Work on tomorrow's homework at your own leisurely pace.

Try and make it to class if you're feeling better by then. I'm already feeling better, so it's possible I won't have to miss class again.

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Day #78-79/90

I've been taking it slow due to my physical health taking a hit from food poisoning the last few days. The turmoil it caused to my overall structure and outlook on my day to day life is reflected in my lack of consistency in writing these entries. On top of that, portfolio stress is at its peak now that I'm nearly down to my last week of working on portfolio. I'm close to having it be submitted, I just need new gesture drawings that demonstrate my growth in understanding form. I also need my artist statement, which I'm not quite sure what it'll be. I definitely need to touch upon my roundabout journey and unique experience in this program. 4 years have led up to this ultimatum of a decision. Be good or be dropped. I've grown a lot from zero and I feel more than capable of making to the higher division art classes.

My tree painting turned out unfinished. There's a lot of potential in it, but I will be investing time into the portfolio instead of the tree. Here is my most recent iteration:

De_La_Torre_Rick_TreePainting.thumb.jpg.48221b1822990a217538bfc6dec47351.jpg

Digital Tree Painting

 

What I'm thankful for:

My outside world not falling apart despite myself feeling that way internally.

Goals for Day #80:

Finish animation homework.

Continue refining portfolio. This is the final stretch!

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On 1/3/2024 at 7:36 AM, JuMpZ said:

Day #1:
Today marks the first day I write about my attempt to rid my life of video games. I spent today removing my steam, epic games, and battle net accounts, whether it was through deletion or handing it off to my sister, for good. I also cleaned up my YouTube of all gaming content and kept all the art content that I actively used during my semesters in my art program.

The difficult thing about me committing to removing video games from my life is that my chosen future career path is so closely intertwined with the usage of computers, and may even potentially dip into the realm of video games. What I hope I'm able to do is delineate playing video games versus making art for any game related content down the line. Preventing myself from homogenizing the act of playing games vs making game-related artwork seems like the true challenge I'll be going through in the long run, but I definitely don't think it's impossible.

Ultimately, the goal right now is to not play a video game for 90 days, so I'll stick to worrying about that. If I can pull that off then I think I'm capable of more than I give myself credit for.

As for the overall structure of this journal, I'll have to decide what I want to add to my daily entries without overwhelming myself with too much, so this first entry will be a lot more informal than future intended entries. Thank you.

 

It's not easy to cleaning up things, but it's the only way. I also felt so. The day when I decided to leave my game, I was googling a lot ”how do I stop my phone game addicton” and I didn't found what I was looking for. But then, I did my own plan. It was brutal. It was about delete LINE. Leave the game. Things I thought was impossible. Because I have been playing so many years.

But I did it. And now when I read your journal here, I know I'll have to clean up my YouTube too! I follow a lot of players there, they lay up their video tips. Now I will unfollow them. Thank you .🙏

Edited by seekndestroy
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On 1/4/2024 at 6:16 AM, JuMpZ said:

 

Day #2/90:

For only being day 2 of my detox, it only makes sense that I haven't felt any strong urges to game yet. I did however finally spend 3 hours on my still-life mango painting today! It's nearly finished, but gouache paints are quite difficult to work with. Other than that, I spent time with my mother running errands, which was perfect for when I was starting to get bored and holed up at home. I'm hoping to remedy this issue in the future by starting an exercise regime. I have been so inert at home and during my art studies, that it has definitely taken a toll on my well-being as a whole. I intend to do walks every morning at minimum, and potentially start running again. I used to be a semi-serious runner when I was much younger, running up to 16 miles at a consistent 12 minute mile pace with no breaks. I am nowhere near that level of fitness, and I would even say I'm the most out of shape I have been in my life. At the very least, I wanna challenge myself to start running again after doing some walking for a while.

As for the more relevant note regarding my decision to quit games, the end of today showed a lot of mixed response regarding my decision from my peers and family. The most important thing to note is that my mother fully supports and understands my decision, and is willing to do everything she can to help me get through this difficult time in my life. I've had a good number of supportive peers, and ones who poured their heart out to let me know how proud they are of me for taking such a huge step. I've also had some responses from friends who told me to not fully quit, and that I should simply just moderate my hours, even having one response with slight undertones of shaming and slighting me. In any case, one thing nobody can take from me is that this is my decision, and it wasn't one I made overnight. Years of contemplation and denial have led up to the circumstances that are currently at play. We'll see how far I go!

What I'm thankful for:

  • Having a roof over my head
  • My highly supportive mother
  • Having a tight-knit art community at my school that also support my struggle

Goals for Day #3:

  • Spend some quality time with a friend outside of gaming.
  • Finish my mango-still life and start a new painting!

Potentially continue my ref sheet for my Kirby fan character, Aperture.

Wow! That is so good tips! I feel actually depressed. But reading your journal makes me happy. Go out every day is a wonderful goal. I also used to run once. Not as long as you did. I was so happy for running 5 Kilometers, twice a week. I have a longing to come back to it again but it has felt so impossible. But I really want to. 🤔

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, seekndestroy said:

Wow! That is so good tips! I feel actually depressed. But reading your journal makes me happy. Go out every day is a wonderful goal. I also used to run once. Not as long as you did. I was so happy for running 5 Kilometers, twice a week. I have a longing to come back to it again but it has felt so impossible. But I really want to. 🤔

If you feel you're able to commit to any exercising regimen, it will do wonders for you! Thank you for sharing your experiences with me 🙂

Edited by JuMpZ
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Day #80/90

Just another day feeling super dull, and unable to get a lot of work done. After class instead of going straight back home I went to a mall and spent some time around the area. I knew that if I went home I'd likely sleep the rest of my day away, so I'm glad I was conscious enough to make a better decision.

What I'm thankful for:

Water.

Goals for Day #81:

Go to figure drawing in the morning.

Work on portfolio all day.

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