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Journal - Road to a New Life


JuMpZ

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Day #31/90

Without even realizing it, I am a third of the way through my 90 day detox! Time really does fly by. Overall I haven't felt an urge to come back to gaming, even with peers that are still actively into playing games to the same extent that I used to. Honestly I do find it strange that I have been able to completely let go of games like this without feeling some sort of mental resistance. I'm not sure how to phrase this properly but I find myself either being so unhealthily immersed into my games I lose track of the fact I've played a game for nearly 8+ hours, or completely disengaged like I am right now after telling myself to commit to quitting games, without feeling the urge to return. I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of person when it comes to this, which is why moderation just flat out doesn't work for me.

As much as I wish there were a world where I could enjoy video games without it obstructing other avenues in my life, I care much more about a world where I achieve my dreams of becoming a professional artist.

I am excited for what the future holds. But for now, I should really be getting some sleep, despite having no class tomorrow.

What I'm thankful for:

Having my own room.

Goals for Day #32:

Get photo reference and start working on my digital painting assignment tomorrow.

Work on animation homework.

Practice figure drawing (do at least 10 1 minute figure gestures before doing animation homework to warm up)

Take proper breaks. Try setting a timer for 1 hour and every time it goes off take it as your cue to step back and really pay attention to how you're spending your time.

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Day #32-33/90

Wow, I REALLY hate the way I slept through a majority of each day. Yesterday I spent nearly the entire day in bed, but managed to make up for it by investing a large amount of time in the evening getting as much work on my digital painting done.

Today however, I woke up at 12:30pm, dozed off and woke back up again at 3:30pm, got out of bed at around 4:45pm, dozed off at 6:45pm, and am awake again at 10:30pm. This has to be the worst day I've had in terms of activity, and I feel awful about it. I even neglected journaling yesterday. I'm going to try and work until midnight or 1am tonight to see if I can make up for a fraction of my lost time...

What I'm thankful for:

Not having a mountain of work this weekend...

Goals for Day #34

Leave the house to get work done. Don't give yourself room to doze off in bed.

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Day #34/90

Today was truly productive. Unfortunately I couldn't get out of the house due to severe storms happening in my area, but I did reach out to a peer within my program and spent hours being productive alongside them on Discord.

Today was an absolute success and i look forward to how my projects will pan out this week!

What I'm thankful for:

People believing in me when I don't.

Goals for Day #35

Finish first animation assignment completely.

Finalize digital painting.

Avoid naps like the plague.

Learn some more about piano on your breaks!

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Day #35/90

My plans for today got completely derailed, due to the stormy weather. My plan was to stay on campus for a majority of the day, but I ended up wanting to beat the stormy weather and wound up back home after my morning class. On top of that, all the peers I would reach out to for a productive session were not around, so I really struggled to be on top of my work today.

In any case, I did get some work done, and I am still on track to turn things in tomorrow, I just wish I were more efficient with my time.

What I'm thankful for:

The opportunity to study under a highly competitive art program. I fought VERY hard to be in here. I cannot let this opportunity go.

Goals for Day #36:

Work on animation work first thing in the morning

With any extra time before class, work on digital painting work, and aim to finish said painting work after class.

Take time to relax. Not mindless idle time, actual scheduled time to relax.

 

 

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Day #36/90

I'm up far too late tonight. I have a bad habit of getting too far into the zone and becoming time blind when working. It might sound like a good thing but I'd say it's to my detriment the longer it goes on.

Productivity falloff is real when it comes to working 24/7. After the first 2 hours or so, I start focusing in on the details that are irrelevant but I become so tunnel visioned I lose sight of the bigger picture. As a result I end up doing less work as more time goes on.

In any case, today was very productive outside of my late working hours... rinse and repeat tomorrow! (Except, being up until 5am...)

What I'm thankful for:

A seemingly easy semester. I will take full advantage of my time.

Goals for Day #37:

Render final details on digital painting.

Work on animation revisions.

Work on portfolio related work.

Find an acorn for next painting project.

Sleep at midnight.

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Day #37/90

Hard to believe I was so in the zone while working on my digital painting I forgot to submit my journal entry! I am impressed with myself but also aware that I should have definitely taken breaks in the 8 hours I sat down painting 24/7. I couldn't get to my other work but I'm not too worried about that. I'm glad with what I was able to accomplish yesterday but now I'll have to shift into full gear today to get my other homework done. I did manage to sleep at a somewhat reasonable hour, but not midnight.

Not a lot to talk about because my entire day was spent painting. Here's how it turned out! I wouldn't say it's finished, but its at a quality I can submit it in.

Digital Painting Assignment 1: "Anger" Egg Painting (Medium: Digital)

image.thumb.jpeg.5c2e277bc9926c80d9eec41bb10cc2b9.jpeg

I've still got a bit of work to do before I can call this portfolio ready but considering this is my first digital painting, I'm quite proud of myself. It seems my traditional studies have paid off.

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Day #38/90

Today was quite productive, but it was also very fun because I got to use a train local to my area for the first time to visit my family back in my hometown. It was plenty more convenient than expected and I got a really nice sketch in:

"First Ride"  (Medium: Non-Waterproof Ink and Waterbrush in my "Ugly Sketchbook!")

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I'm very excited to share more artwork with you guys soon! I've been very driven in this first week.

What I'm thankful for:

The benefits I have as a student.

Goals for Day #39:

Start homework for next week

Spend time with family

Start assembling Spring portfolio

 

Edited by JuMpZ
Sketchbook entry. Planned on adding it when I woke up, but I can't sleep.
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Day #39/90

Today was packed with family plans. Rather than get anything done, I was out of town for most of the day. Not a lot to comment on, because I actually struggled really hard to get sleep last night for no apparent reason.

I didn't hate today per say but I kinda wish I had time to work on my artwork. Fortunately I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to get everything I wanted done, so I'll allow the lack of progress in my studies today. A break is fine every now and then.

What I'm thankful for:

Having room for a break in my schedule for once. I have untold stories of overworking myself severely. This semester is a distinct change of pace.

Goals for Day #40:

Do thumbnails for next painting

Start making keyframes for next animation

Assemble Spring Portfolio

 

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Day #40/90

I spent the entire day with my sister. She helped me find acorns and pinecones at a local trail for my painting assignment. After that, she took me out for food and ice cream, and also took me to Best Buy to check out a laptop I've had my eye on for a while now. She was very accommodating to me, far more than I deserved; I love her so much. She wanted to enjoy the limited time she had with me over the weekend, since I likely won't be able to visit for a while after today.

What I'm thankful for:

My sister! 😃

Goals for Day #41

Digital painting homework

Animation homework (it'd be great to finish this tomorrow.)

Learn more keyboard!

Portfolio artwork.

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Day #41/90

I have been consistently deep in the zone every time I do painting homework, but I also think because of the ridiculous amount of time I spend on said homework, I end up being extremely inefficient. At least I didn't finish 2 hours before class. I am not going to bother writing all that much about today since most of it was just creating value thumbs, so how about I simply show you what I did today? In fact, feel free to tell me which is your preferred composition!

image.thumb.jpeg.e796ef81e51b35e8dd16b70ae5c0281d.jpeg

What I'm thankful for:

Feeling capable toward some capacity as an adult. My self-esteem issues have made me feel differently in the last few years.

Goals for Day #42:

Work on animation keys for slap assignment first and foremost

Spend extra time trying to capture photo reference

Portfolio artwork

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Day #42-43/90

I neglected posting yesterday, mostly due to the fact I was actually going through a lot of self-reflection about recent experiences to the point where I overwhelmed myself out of writing a post.

I'm actually going to share something kind of personal, but it's a note I took from my experiences on Monday and how my reactions on that particular day reflect my behaviors over the years:

Today I received critique for my digital artwork. I spent time focusing on what was bad about the piece, despite what highly positive things my peers and professor told me. It was the first time in a long while I was able to submit something I was proud of calling my own artwork, and it was also the first time in a while I received that magnitude of positive feedback from peers. Most notably, my professor told me that he was actually pleasantly surprised with my piece due to my confidence levels in class being so low at the very beginning.

At the very beginning of the semester my professor gave us an exercise (paint a 10 step value scale, paint a gradation from white to black and render a sphere digitally in 30 minutes). It was actually a very straightforward assignment, but I froze a LOT during the assignment, resulting in a sphere that appeared like it was done by someone who doesn't understand light. I was petrified with performance anxiety throughout this experience, and I had my professor walk over to me and ask if I was alright. He then started asking me about who I had for acrylics and what grade I got. My response to the latter was silence. He then asked me how comfortable I felt painting, and I actually didn't remember the response until today when my professor reminded me. I said "I don't really know how to paint." My professor heard this and being the non-judgmental person he seems to be, he simply did a demo for me at my seat. I helplessly watched as he did something I knew deep down I fully understood and was capable of producing, but allowing my emotions to question my own knowledge.

Throughout the scope of my first painting project, he immediately realized it wasn't my skill level, but my unimaginably low confidence levels. He diagnosed it immediately when he saw it, and I'd say he did hit the nail right on the head as many others have, I just didn't expect to hear it from him so directly, so quickly, and only barely a week into knowing me. I felt exposed in a way I didn't expect. After viewing everyone's work in class, he came over to me and reaffirmed to me many times that my skill level is vastly different from my own confidence levels. Peers walked up to me saying I had the best looking painted hand in the class, or just generally telling me how incredible the thumb on that hand was. I don't bring this up to inflate my ego. On the contrary, I was taken aback and uncertain about the reception. I then felt afterwards it was appropriate to have a one on one talk to my professor about my circumstances. I gave him the sparknotes summarization of my time in the art program and mentioned all my shortcomings. I told him about my performance in acrylics, and that gave him full context about my silence in class. He seems to fully understand there's nothing he can do to prove to me how capable I am, and in my own thoughts I knew it was as if he was looking at an endlessly tall wall; a monument to my own overpowering negative self-esteem. It was a good heart to heart.

After class I walked home. As I walked home I called my Mom, expecting to be really happy about my artwork and all the positive things said about it. Instead what came out was me retelling these events in a confused tone. I was confused by my own tone as I was telling her about it, and she was also confused too. She called out how sad I sounded and I didn't realize that my reaction reflected strangely to the reality of the situation. Objectively, I fulfilled the assignment with great performance. But in my head, I guess I can't seem to accept being happy about the results. I'm afraid of stagnation, and not only that, but I'm also questioning the genuine nature of said feedback. I feel so attuned to the negative feedback loop and poor performance throughout the semesters that I felt incapable of accepting that the painting I produced for this class was made as a result of my raw skills. I tried to find ways of justifying in my head that the piece was not a true representation of what I'm capable of, but a handicapped product of working in digital media. Before this particular piece, my paintings were largely unfinished/tarnished by my severe lack of confidence. It has become harder and harder to justify my ruthless negativity, but I still feel incapable of indulging in this moment. My professor said it, my roommates said it, my peers said it, my family said it: I have severe self-esteem issues. It made me reflect upon how much differently things would've been if I had tried to find the good things about myself and my work vs the bad things. It made me think of a world where I found it so easy to accept and indulge in the positive reception due to my hard work, regardless of any metric of quality involved. My mother left the call with the words "I may not be a professional, but if I were you, I would take and own your victory."

The last few hours had me thinking a lot about this, and what it means for portfolio next month.

Outside of these thoughts I jotted down, I don't have much else to share. I'm still trying to figure myself out, in all honesty. I've truthfully done really bad on paper academically at least in this art program over the last few semesters, but I'm hoping that I can find an answer to my complex, convoluted mess of deeply ingrained self-hatred.

What I'm thankful for:

Being capale of awareness.

Goals for Day #44

Animation homework

Start brainstorming reference for next painting project

Portfolio work

 

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You are definitely a good writer and hence good in art as well. Sometimes even I stay quiet when someone explains something I already know because if I interrupt it would become weird and the person might not help in future when I need it.

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On 2/14/2024 at 8:41 PM, JuMpZ said:

After class I walked home. As I walked home I called my Mom, expecting to be really happy about my artwork and all the positive things said about it. Instead what came out was me retelling these events in a confused tone. I was confused by my own tone as I was telling her about it, and she was also confused too. She called out how sad I sounded and I didn't realize that my reaction reflected strangely to the reality of the situation. Objectively, I fulfilled the assignment with great performance. But in my head, I guess I can't seem to accept being happy about the results. I'm afraid of stagnation, and not only that, but I'm also questioning the genuine nature of said feedback. I feel so attuned to the negative feedback loop and poor performance throughout the semesters that I felt incapable of accepting that the painting I produced for this class was made as a result of my raw skills. I tried to find ways of justifying in my head that the piece was not a true representation of what I'm capable of, but a handicapped product of working in digital media. Before this particular piece, my paintings were largely unfinished/tarnished by my severe lack of confidence. It has become harder and harder to justify my ruthless negativity, but I still feel incapable of indulging in this moment. My professor said it, my roommates said it, my peers said it, my family said it: I have severe self-esteem issues. It made me reflect upon how much differently things would've been if I had tried to find the good things about myself and my work vs the bad things. It made me think of a world where I found it so easy to accept and indulge in the positive reception due to my hard work, regardless of any metric of quality involved. My mother left the call with the words "I may not be a professional, but if I were you, I would take and own your victory."

What I'm thankful for:

Being capable of awareness.

We all start at different stages of everything, I say it seems. My step grandmother told me a little while ago that she was only just learning to recognise true feelings of hunger and eating accordingly. That's what I told her (I had read it from a social media post years back), because I didn't have any funny or practical advice at the time, and I believe it of me with some of my fears and of your ownership of your abilities. Unless you need medicating or something, I think you'll come to that kind of honesty with yourself and you'll feel a little more happiness! 🥲

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Day #44-46/90

Hello everyone. I've really fallen out of the daily journal routine. It does feel bad, but I havent forgotten about this practice.

To sum up the last few days, they've actually been pretty overwhelming, but not in an entirely negative sense. You could say I went through a lot of undocumented self-reflection. I even did things I've never had the confidence to do before, like sketch in one of the most public places possible; a convention center event. Honestly, this weekend is really busy, and I'm mentally preoccupied right now, but just know that I've read your replies to my previous post (to whom it applies to), and I have been in good shape despite my absence. I'll be sure to summarize my weekend experience in due time.

As compensation, here's some work I did TODAY 😉

20240216_170140.thumb.jpg.cb35a25973cbdd12b439ba237ede2894.jpg20240216_170132.thumb.jpg.11a0592af178258b1bfc862d20ee38ce.jpg20240216_173827.thumb.jpg.7280af9494f46c73fd8a285d7262e805.jpg20240215_204921.thumb.jpg.50958bebbc889b88b71e86a9a75d61e7.jpg20240216_115846.thumb.jpg.d8b743787e01a2b759e7553d2362453c.jpg20240216_115836.thumb.jpg.7e8bc6c1e8aecb41a3667347f23f8550.jpg20240216_115801.thumb.jpg.727912d66e86bf12f5e52630ac05e788.jpg

What I'm thankful for:

The kindness people displayed today encouraging me to draw outside more.

Goals for Day #47/90:

Finalize photo reference and start painting acorn project

Continue animation work

 

 

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Day #47-49/90

Hello everyone, its been a while. As I've mentioned before, I truly did fall out of the daily practice of journaling, and honestly I didn't realize how grounding a practice it is until it left my daily routine. I didn't realize how such a practice efficiently compartmentalized my feelings throughout each day, along with how it boosted the sense of structure I need to function on a day to day basis. With that being said, I will be spending a lot of time to summarize the days I neglected to journal about.

 

Day #47/48

As you may have noticed in some of my sketches, I attended a huge event called Genesis X. Genesis is a series major video game tournaments, and I have attended it for the last 4 years or so to compete in Smash Brothers Ultimate. On the surface, this seems like the biggest mistake I could ever make, but I didn't come to this event to compete, I went to the event to speak with friends I haven't interacted with in a very long time.

You'd think that being surrounded by such an overstimulating environment such as a mega internationally scaled series of video game events might spike my urges into relapse oblivion, but I am proud to say that this was not the case.

Throughout my time at Genesis, I attended as a spectator, with 0 intentions to compete. I roomed with friends that were still fully immersed in the competitive Smash Ultimate scene I was once very in tune with. I went into the venue which was chock-full of video game setups ready to be used at a moment's notice. Hell, I had people approach me for games multiple times, and even after briefly explaining my detox, try and egg me on. I'm proud to say I effortlessly rejected all of these things and turned my experience at an otherwise relapse triggering event on the surface to a fruitful experience, that actually boosted my self-esteem and social skills.

For one, I managed to do public sketching, and not just any public sketching, I drew people in public without a care in the world for what anyone else thought. I impressed myself in doing this because just last year I wouldn't even dare to do this at the same exact event. I think me pushing through all the anxiety and fear of judgment this year is a true testament to my commitment to my desired field of interest and art grind.

Another thing to bring up is that I met someone I briefly talked to 5 years ago (I played Smash online with them and have no idea how I managed to remember who they were!) and as it turns out, they were an artist tabling for the event. Tabling at Genesis was something I've always wanted to do as an aspiring artist and I always though that was an unreachable goal for the longest time. Rekindling this connection of mine that I briefly made 5 years ago and having a heart-to-heart with him about art and my ambitions helped me develop a newfound confidence in becoming that artist that tables at a large scale convention center event such as Genesis. I never would've been able to perceive myself at a table at such a large scale event if it weren't for me finding this person again!

All-in-all though, I managed to beat any urge to play games, and I stuck to my grind as an artist. I have internalized the true importance of my long-term goals and me going to Genesis and coming out unscathed (relapse wise) was the best thing for my confidence. It proved to me that I am far stronger than I had imagined and that I care a lot about getting good at my craft.

 

Day #49

I woke up feeling highly lethargic today and I think that was mostly due to the fact I have been dealing with nasty neck inflammation, causing throbbing pain. It was likely an infection caused by a branch scratching the left side of my neck as I traversed local neighborhoods in my rollerblades late at night (not the smartest activity to do in hindsight).

In any case, I was focused, and worked on my animation all day. Here I am now typing this. Not a very eventful day, but I also think it reinforces my mental fortitude considering I just got back from a highly stimulating experience such as Genesis.

I had a rant today as well, which then turned into a self-reflection of my life in the last half decade or so. I will be sharing some takes on AI art within this rant, but the purpose of me bringing this into my entry isn't to have some long-winded debate, as it is something I have internalized for that very reason. This body of text is simply meant to provide more context to people who care enough to stumble upon my posts and know more about my own journey as an artist.

 

With that being said, here's the rant in question:

A rather controversial take I'll never share with many is if people believe artists are gatekeeping art through denouncing AI, it is that person who is gatekeeping themselves. There is no artist gene or lack thereof dictating how well you'll do. I would say I'm evidence of this. Before I was 19, I had no drawing skills. I didn't even care all that much about art. I believed I wasn't capable of becoming an artist. I didn't draw every day ever since I was 4 years old like many of the peers I study alongside today. I didn't even consider doing art as a hobby, let alone professionally. It was an entirely different world I wasn't interested in. During this time I was uncertain of what I wanted to do, and I usually leaned into whatever others felt was the best thing to do (STEM fields). I did dabble in the graphic design program at my local community college throughout high school, and that was probably my first proper introduction to a more serious take on visual arts. But even then, I didn't really take myself seriously at all. Impostor syndrome settled in as my slow, but growing desire to become an artist toward any capacity (even as casually as casual can get) prevented me from accepting the unconventional belief that I can grow artistically, as if it weren't a skill and rather some innate talent you were born with. In reality, I never had a complete lack of desire to create. It was merely suppressed by the art-negative environs I was subjected to growing up, whether it be my family, friends, or anybody else. I was indoctrinated into the belief that it was a complete waste of time. I didn't care until I came to my own conclusion that the arts were worth caring for; I listened to my own voice for the first time, and it shattered all the preconceived notions that art was a waste of time. It had me questioning everything I grew up knowing about the arts. I was exposed to my first art-positive environment ever in the form of a Discord server, and since then I have chosen the path of becoming a professional artist, regardless of how difficult and competitive this industry is; I rebelled against the very beliefs I grew up with. I have been on a grind for the last 4 years. Lots of that time was idle, empty time, but when I was efficient and learning, I truly did learn. All the pain and struggles I went through meant something, and every time I persisted it was an act of rebellion against the status quo. I am constantly challenging my own self-esteem and deeply ingrained beliefs, and fighting against the futility of becoming something I'm supposedly not meant to be because I wasn't born with "talent". I'd rather throw that vocabulary away and not become a self-fulfilling prophecy; somebody who isn't an artist because they believe that it's out of their control. The hard to swallow pill is that it is entirely in their control. It is a skill you hone for years. "Years" might be understating the trajectory of this skill. It's a skill you hone for the rest of your life. When you start is irrelevant. I've completely let go of my regrets: "I wish I started when I was 4", "I'm an adult now and I don't have the time my middle school self had", "My brain is not nearly as flexible as it once was and therefore it is meaningless to try." All bullshit. At the end of the day, what matters is that I love to draw. What people seem to forget is that the final product isn't the sole reason someone like me does art. It's the process involved. I love every step involved with making a piece. Unfinished work is still fulfilling work. Do I like AI? Not really. I won't hate you for using it, nor do I think everyone that does use it is ignorant to anything I've just stated. This is to those that have a deeply ingrained defeatist attitude towards becoming an artist of any caliber. You aren't an artist because of some pre-determined fate given from birth. You're not an artist because you choose not to be one. Stating otherwise would mean someone like me simply doesn't exist. This is the reality check I needed in order to move forward with my ambitions. I needed to believe I could become an artist and that I was holding myself back before I was able to actually proceed.

And just to be clear, I still battle with a lot of the insecurities mentioned in that mini-rant to this day. Me not submitting for portfolio review the first time around last semester was a byproduct of severe performance anxiety and my lack of acknowledging my skills and growth as an artist. I still feel those deeply ingrained traditional beliefs of not being able to become the artist I want to simply because I wasn't built like my peers. The logical side of my brain knows that isn't the case, and that my hard work and mileage will undeniably bring me to greater heights whether I believe it or not.

But yeah, sorry for the long read. A lot happened in my mind this weekend. I'm doing all I can to continue pushing forward.

What I'm thankful for:

Discovering this forum. I look at the entries I've created and it has served me well in continuing the path to success. It makes me feel accomplished, regardless of whether I write about my failures or successes.

Goals for Day #50:

Finish up slap animation and work towards finishing acorn painting.

Work on portfolio oriented artwork. Share tentative portfolio with roommates (it's time to rip off the band-aid).

 

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On 2/14/2024 at 9:28 AM, sniper said:

You are definitely a good writer and hence good in art as well. Sometimes even I stay quiet when someone explains something I already know because if I interrupt it would become weird and the person might not help in future when I need it.

Thank you for the kind words. I can relate to the feeling you describe as well. How awkward the experience is to me is dependent on whether or not I anticipate they are being genuine or if they speak from arrogance, if that makes any sense. In this case, I knew my professor wanted the best for me, so I paid full attention to him because he was acting in good faith. There's a chance that I might even be missing something entirely regardless of how well I think I know things.

Edited by JuMpZ
Elaboration.
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On 2/15/2024 at 2:36 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

We all start at different stages of everything, I say it seems. My step grandmother told me a little while ago that she was only just learning to recognise true feelings of hunger and eating accordingly. That's what I told her (I had read it from a social media post years back), because I didn't have any funny or practical advice at the time, and I believe it of me with some of my fears and of your ownership of your abilities. Unless you need medicating or something, I think you'll come to that kind of honesty with yourself and you'll feel a little more happiness! 🥲

Thank you for sharing. Honesty with oneself can be quite scary, because that can easily become the catalyst for self-deprecation, or in the case you describe, a means to find happiness within oneself. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I think what we do with honesty can end up being highly volatile and I think is the reason I have found it so appealing to live in delusion for so long. I'm afraid of the truth, but I also understand that truth cannot be ignored either. Finding clarity and internalizing the truth of my own self has led me here so far, and I'd say its been a net positive.

The way you phrased "ownership of your abilities" really spoke to me and it really had me thinking about myself. I think you expressed that superbly, and I think you're right on the money when it comes to discovering happiness through taking said ownership. Correlating those two resonates with me a lot and helps me re-contextualize my feelings about art in an interesting fashion, thank you for that.

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Day #50/90

I got very carried away with my work today. I've been in high gear in terms of productivity but I also need to take breaks because I have still struggled with an inefficient workflow. It is so hard for me to detach myself from my work when I'm immersed. It's an issue I've brought up many times throughout the days. I should be in bed and should have had this entry submitted over 6 hours ago, but here I am working on it the following day. As compensation, here's what I've been up to all night:

image.thumb.jpeg.16500fd1a4170c7c640f0728ccdf1138.jpeg

It still needs a lot of work before it can be comparable to my Egg Painting. I think my tiredness is preventing me from processing the basic geometric form of an acorn cap. While this assignment may be due today, I definitely need to revisit this project. I need to produce more portfolio pieces.

What I'm thankful for:

My mother. God bless her.

Goals for Day #51:

Work on animation homework.

Work on portfolio oriented artwork.

Take real breaks when you can...

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Day #51/90

Wow, I got knocked out. Yesterday was a pile of garbage in terms of productivity. I pulled an all-nighter the night before (completely unnecessary and I'm kicking myself at this very moment over it) and I ended up sleeping throughout the majority of yesterday. I did make some decent progress in my animation homework, but I'm currently working hard to ensure I have enough progress to get valuable critique in today's class session. I don't have much to say otherwise. I need to get better at anatomy I guess? I've been lacking in figure drawing, and its crucial at this point in my semester.

 

What I'm thankful for:

Spaghetti. I love spaghetti. Maybe too much for my own good.

 

Goals for Day #52:

Work on animation homework. Hey I'm doing that now, yay!

Get quality sleep tonight.

Don't think about everything at once. Please relax.

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On 2/20/2024 at 5:12 AM, JuMpZ said:

And just to be clear, I still battle with a lot of the insecurities mentioned in that mini-rant to this day. Me not submitting for portfolio review the first time around last semester was a byproduct of severe performance anxiety and my lack of acknowledging my skills and growth as an artist. I still feel those deeply ingrained traditional beliefs of not being able to become the artist I want to simply because I wasn't built like my peers. The logical side of my brain knows that isn't the case, and that my hard work and mileage will undeniably bring me to greater heights whether I believe it or not.

You cannot outcompete AI (or what AI really represents, commodified art). No matter how good you'll get, if you're making art for an "industry", you'll be replaceable. The only type of career where you as individual, as an artist are irreplaceable are those where you work FOR and WITH people, rather than reaping profit from them by creating for corporations.

This is the reason I am not working in games at this point in my life. I had the chances to enter, but I knew that it would be for projects where profit is more important than helping people. 

This is also the reason I am doing independent animation, or learning to: because I want to tell my own stories, not distilled by any production team to make it appealing to a wider audience. 

Skill and technique matter, but only when they support you in telling your own story, in serving real people. Otherwise, someone will outcompete you, because your value comes from not inherent worth as an individual, but from performance reports. 

Just my 2c- I've struggled so much with this, too, and wish I got the answers I have now sooner.

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Day #52/90

I actually fell asleep at I was typing this. Guess I was that exhausted. I spent a majority of my day working on my animation homework. It was such a hassle to find reference for the character I wanted to animate, but I managed to find some good resources after a long search. The day overall wasn't very eventful but that's alright.

 

What I'm thankful for:

Having a very light weekend. Not having a lot of homework feels weird.

 

Goals for Day #53:

Work on what little homework I have

Work on portfolio work. Time to shift into high gear.

 

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19 hours ago, Pochatok said:

You cannot outcompete AI (or what AI really represents, commodified art). No matter how good you'll get, if you're making art for an "industry", you'll be replaceable. The only type of career where you as individual, as an artist are irreplaceable are those where you work FOR and WITH people, rather than reaping profit from them by creating for corporations.

This is the reason I am not working in games at this point in my life. I had the chances to enter, but I knew that it would be for projects where profit is more important than helping people. 

This is also the reason I am doing independent animation, or learning to: because I want to tell my own stories, not distilled by any production team to make it appealing to a wider audience. 

Skill and technique matter, but only when they support you in telling your own story, in serving real people. Otherwise, someone will outcompete you, because your value comes from not inherent worth as an individual, but from performance reports. 

Just my 2c- I've struggled so much with this, too, and wish I got the answers I have now sooner.

I agree with your points, but most of my ambitions to get better at what I'm doing isn't primarily placed in an inherent desire to become a cog in a corporate machine, but more or less coming from a place that denies I can't become a good artist in the first place. It's possible that someone like me over 5 years ago would've probably hated artists if highly accessible AI generated image making had come during that time. I never would've understood what it meant to pour everything into art, and how difficult and fulfilling it truly was to become so skilled at a craft that has a ludicrously high skill ceiling. I would've had a level of entitlement to pretty rendered images, not being able to fully understand why artists are so upset with the rise of AI.

The reason skill and technique matter so much to me is because I'm proving to myself and anyone else who tried to bring me down that the lies I was fed were complete bs. As selfish as it sounds, I haven't even started thinking as far as serving others, because I'm still trying to take care of myself. You could even say I'm doing this out of spite ("screw you, I do what I want" kind of energy), but any ambitions motivated by spite are still rooted in my innate desire to create altogether, and not spite alone.

I'm not naive enough to believe I'll be able to outcompete AI in the industry, but I think regardless of whether or not I do end up getting replaced, I'll still carry myself with a level of fulfillment those who don't understand a grind will never reach. It's not even really about art, it's about whether or not people understand why automation cannot fulfill people who enjoy immersion in highly skilled crafts like us.

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