New Life+

[Wildermyth]

3 hours ago, Ace92 said:

That's awesome! I want to possibly explore this as a hobby myself. Happy for you.

Do it! It's absolutely fantastic. Takes you away from home, brings out your creative side and makes you document everything fantastic about the world so that you get more enjoyment out of it and start to appreciate the little things. I've only been photographing for a year and I've learnt so much and discovered so many new things about myself.

Here's some photos from the winter shoot I just did:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 8 by Wildermyth

[Ace92]

Wow! These are absolutely stunning, amazing work. Yeah, I definitely will start exploring it. Additionally, as you said it gets me out of the house. I don't have enough money for a proper camera yet, but I think starting with my phones camera, even though it's not the best, could be fine, as long until I have enough to buy my own camera.

[Wildermyth]

9 hours ago, Ace92 said:

Wow! These are absolutely stunning, amazing work. Yeah, I definitely will start exploring it. Additionally, as you said it gets me out of the house. I don't have enough money for a proper camera yet, but I think starting with my phones camera, even though it's not the best, could be fine, as long until I have enough to buy my own camera.

Yes, unfortunately it can become an expensive hobby. But as you hinted at smartphones have become really proficient at producing quality pictures. And you can use mobile apps such as Lightroom to edit smartphone pictures as well. Some smartphones even have support for raw files, true tele-zoom and what not. But of course that gets expensive as well.

If you ever decide to go for a proper camera then there's a huge second hand market that will be at your disposal. And I also recommend that you head into one specific area of photography to begin with as certain styles require more expensive equipment. Bird photography for instance can get very expensive quickly as you need lots of zoom and a low aperture to deal with rapid movements. But portrait and landscape is less expensive as the object is often still and you can use yourself as the zoom rather than the lens. There's lots of things like that which can have a big affect on your budget. And starting out you should really just go with the first best equipment you can get your hands on to find your own personal style, and then when you grow more comfortable with that style it might be time to start upgrading.

Edited January 9 by Wildermyth

[Wildermyth]

I'm still debating what I should do with my racing rig and how I could find the right balance. I've talked a lot with family and friends and asked them for a truly honest opinion. Many of them have explained that they think I'm being a bit harsh on myself and that I've already managed so much. They recognize that I do well at my work, I go to the gym three times a week, I go skiing every weekend, I'm more outside than inside, I'm eating healthier than ever and I've fallen in love with photography which brings out a lot of my creative sides. I also have my trip to Iceland planned and I've started to meet lots of new people. On paper it all sounds so great and I should probably be more happy and thankful for everything that is. And no doubt has my absence from gaming led to many of these new discoveries.

In the end it's my decision what I want to do with my life and that's the conflicting part I guess. Sometimes it's just so much easier when others decide for you and maybe that's what I'm looking for sometimes when I share these reflections. But all people could do is to enlighten me about how they percieve me and then share their life knowledge in the hope of guiding me somehow. In the end I am the one who must make the decisions and live with the consequences that follows.

All I know is that I'm sick of bringing myself down for so much, never becoming fully satisfied and only focusing on putting up more and more boundries. It sometimes feels like just one long manic episode where I'm struggling for breath.

Sigh...

[Wildermyth]

It's been almost two weeks now without headphones and constant music in my ears. I'm not sure if it's the main cause but I feel less stressed out somehow when I arrive at work or at home. Maybe it's because my ears are given time to rest or because I can focus my thoughts on other things and then be done with them when it's time to do something else.

During my studies a professor I once had said that we have lost the ability to just sit with our thoughts. Whenever we are on a bus, train or plane we want to escape into entertainment and we don't allow ourselves to truly sit there and just reflect. Sometimes you can do this while listening to other stuff of course, but maybe there's some wisdom there that is worth exploring for a while. I think I'll try to live without music for this month at least and then see what happens.

If nothing else music could sometimes be triggering for listening to old gaming soundtracks. So I don't have to deal with that for a change.

[Wildermyth]

I'm gonna visit a new ski slope this weekend which feels exciting. It's still early into the season and the weather is not optimal but I've been looking forward to a change of environment. I really look forward to the day when I have a drivers license when I can just throw all of my stuff in the car and go wherever I want.

I'm also gonna start looking for stuff to do on Iceland so we can start planning our trip in more detail. It's a pretty complicated trip in terms of finding places to stay, roads to drive on and various activities along the way. Even though the island is small it takes more than a week to go around it, and even more time If you stop at places of course. But I look forward to it! When this trip has been completed I'll have so much knowledge when it comes to planning more trips to other countries!

Specific things I look forward to:

1. Photographing puffins
2. Seeing orcas or whales for the first time
3. Hiking over the highlands
4. Eating new and interesting food
5. Flying with a drone near volcanoes
6. Taking a bath in a hot spring
7. Seeing some beautiful waterfalls
8. Explore interesting ice caves

[Wildermyth]

Today I made the decision to sell my racing rig. I think it’s the right decision to make. Even though there are things I will immediately miss I know it will do me good in the long run. I’m not sure if I’ll forbid myself from ever having racing sims in my life but I know I’m not ready for it at this point in time. Right now I’m gonna continue focusing on building myself up, like I’ve done this past year. And I’m also gonna celebrate my decision tonight with a good movie and some of my favourite snacks!

I also think I’m beginning to get ready for one of the biggest challenges of my life - to get a driver’s license. I’ve been so afraid to even pursue it due to my nervous personality, but finding stength and direction this past year has really made it feel more possible and less stressful. And I know for sure it will satisfy a part of the need I have for racing sims, so I think it’s a win in several regards. I’m really dreaming of owning my own car so I can travel wherever I want and hike, take photos, meet new people etc. It just feels like it could really fit my lifestyle and my need for freedom. 

[wheatbiscuit]

7 hours ago, Wildermyth said:

Today I made the decision to sell my racing rig. I think it’s the right decision to make. Even though there are things I will immediately miss I know it will do me good in the long run. I’m not sure if I’ll forbid myself from ever having racing sims in my life but I know I’m not ready for it at this point in time. Right now I’m gonna continue focusing on building myself up, like I’ve done this past year. And I’m also gonna celebrate my decision tonight with a good movie and some of my favourite snacks!

I also think I’m beginning to get ready for one of the biggest challenges of my life - to get a driver’s license. I’ve been so afraid to even pursue it due to my nervous personality, but finding stength and direction this past year has really made it feel more possible and less stressful. And I know for sure it will satisfy a part of the need I have for racing sims, so I think it’s a win in several regards. I’m really dreaming of owning my own car so I can travel wherever I want and hike, take photos, meet new people etc. It just feels like it could really fit my lifestyle and my need for freedom. 

Well done with the big decision to sell. 

My first time behind the wheel resulted in tears, but I learnt properly over the course of 3 years (I'm slower and more thorough to cover things). My medication changed me so much, however, that besides steering, I'm pretty sure I'll sort of be learning all over again, plus that nervousness too. The only deal here is people's high expectations of me, thinking that even with gaming addiction, I've made so much more progress since before then (there was barely any!). lol

Post about what you learn on the road if you do!

Edited January 14 by wheatbiscuit

[Wildermyth]

16 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Well done with the big decision to sell. 

My first time behind the wheel resulted in tears, but I learnt properly over the course of 3 years (I'm slower and more thorough to cover things). My medication changed me so much, however, that besides steering, I'm pretty sure I'll sort of be learning all over again, plus that nervousness too. The only deal here is people's high expectations of me, thinking that even with gaming addiction, I've made so much more progress since before then (there was barely any!). lol

Post about what you learn on the road if you do!

Expectations is something that has effected me a lot when it comes to aquiring a driver’s license. It’s one of those things you expect to have at a certain age, and more so if you’re a man. And oh’boy do people like to tell you how they feel about you not having a license yet. You almost automatically say ”no” just to defy them. 😅

I’ve waited my whole life for the right moment and to grow a certain confidence, and now I seem to be at that particular crossroad. It took a long time, but at the same time I never let it hold me back not to have a driver’s license. That’s perhaps the greatest strength I could’ve given myself because I’ve allowed myself to travel a lot despite the fact that it’s a bit more complicated to piece together without the freedom that a car provides. 

Edited January 15 by Wildermyth

[Wildermyth]

I think I'm gonna take a short break from this forum. Constantly talking about games, watching videos about gaming addiction and trying to uphold a positive and strong mindset takes a lot of energy and focus. I need to collect myself a bit, perhaps meditate and above all spend more time with friends and family to talk with them about my current issues. I feel like I'm shedding some new skin at the moment and I need to bring my focus inwards to really savour it. Basically I need less distractions and some time away from watching social media feeds and checking forums.

I'm not gonna put some specific date for when I decide to return because I don't know how long this process will take. Maybe a week, maybe a month... only time will tell I guess.

In the meantime, stay strong all and I'll see you soon I hope! 💛

[BooksandTrees]

On 1/8/2024 at 3:16 PM, Wildermyth said:

Do it! It's absolutely fantastic. Takes you away from home, brings out your creative side and makes you document everything fantastic about the world so that you get more enjoyment out of it and start to appreciate the little things. I've only been photographing for a year and I've learnt so much and discovered so many new things about myself.

Here's some photos from the winter shoot I just did:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I really love these photos. Great eye and perspective. Thanks for sharing. 

[Wildermyth]

So I've been away for half a year almost and to make a long story short: I relapsed. It was an honest attempt to try to make it work, as I was still riding on that wave that caught speed during my first interaction with simulation games. I managed to set up some pretty solid boundries together with a close friend that monitored my progress. She checked in with me on a regular basis and asked if I was feeling ok, If I wanted to stop or maybe changed something. We sort of had an agreement where I could only play for a certain number of hours a day and then shift my focus on more productive tasks. This worked really well actually until I realized that I also wanted to play longer games, and suddenly a couple of hours a day didn't feel like it gave me any real sense of progression within the game at all. My lack of satisfaction led me to stretching the boundries and eventually I was caught up in the same behaviour as before where I did nothing else but play the game as soon as I had any free time. I could feel how every other goal I recently had, like starting to play the piano or getting started with my drivers license, was beginning to fade away slowly. I also could see no real end in sight as my mind was spinning around the frustration of trying to finish a set number of games within a certain timeframe. I bought a large number of games as before and all I could think about was trying to go through them as quickly as possible, and this of course meant that anything else was not prioritized.

But yeah, when it finally dawned on me that I had to pull the handbrake once and for all was when I started to get agitated about my upcoming trip to Iceland. I was trying to figure out how to game as much as possible on my portable device during the trip. I felt so bad for thinking this way but I also remembered how I got over this the last time, by starting up a more fruitful hobby and shifting my focus towards that (which was skiing). So now I've booked a couple of piano classes with a really great teacher and I'm off to buy my very first piano which feels sooooooooooooo exciting! And as mentioned I'm going to Iceland very soon and I know that it's going to be completely lifechanging in the best possible way. Whenever I travel I get so much self-confidence and every cell of my body is so engaged with the experience.

I also feel when I write this that I've made the right choice because with every word I type I get more reassured of my decision. I've read that most people here do a relapse at least once and maybe this was my big one. I really hope it will be the last because even though I was caught up in it once more I also felt more than ever that it didn't grant me anything truly meaningful. I still have cravings and think about it many times a day but I really want to stay on this track now and have a more balanced life. Already it feels like a win to not be stressed about getting back home to continue my games - I can just stroll around with my intuition and be fine with doing the smallest things.

[Wildermyth]

So I've been going back and thinking about the process that I went through during my recent relapse. I listed some of these things when I initially started playing again but this time I'll do more of a summary of the timeline as it unfolded. It will help me keep track of why things happened the way that they did and if it would ever happen again I can hopefully identify the warning signs quicker by reading this post.

 

1. End of summer: I was going back home after having spent my entire semester with my family, who all live very far away. I was overcome with a feeling of loneliness for the first time as I didn't have anyone to hang out with suddenly and also no games to attend to. Previous years I always longed to get back home so I could start gaming again so I never reflected over the fact that I didn't have many friends or that I perhaps wanted to spend even more time with my family. This particular summer felt very meaningful in a new and fascinating way and unfortunately I didn't realize this fully until I got home and was left alone.

2. Beginning of autumn: I finally confessed my love to a girl I've had feelings for since at least a year back. She rejected me unfortunately (but in the best possible way) and we parted ways. I felt both very relieved but also sad that I had invested so much of myself into something that never came into fruition. My feeling of loneliness was enhanced further and I was left feeling a bit hopeless and directionless. During my therapy sessions I got teary eyes for the first time as I realized I was ready to become a father. The girl that I was in love with just had a child and I was trying to prepare myself for the reality of maybe becoming a father. When I expressed that thought I felt I was genuinly ready for it and it struck a sensitive nerve in me.

3. Mid-autumn: A lot of changes happened at work with a new manager in place. I could feel my collegues being more anxious than normal and of course it took a toll on me as well. I missed our old manager and didn't feel much joy in starting up new projects at work. This is when the opportunity to do the e-sports event arised and even though it frightened me a bit I jumped on the wagon and took off. During the event I got in contact with some gamers that played sim-racing games and this made me buy a racing rig almost instantly.

4. Beginning of winter: I started playing F1 games with my new racing rig but quickly started to think about other kinds of games. I was also caught in my usual loop of trying to perfect the game by checking off achievements, exploring every game mode thoroughly, thinking about what order I should do things and so on. The F1 game eventually became less satisfying for the cravings that I felt so I started playing some other games. I was however feeling lots of shame doing this and it felt like I was really back on square one again, so I bailed out and deleted my gaming account. This is when I made the post on Game Quitters about my relapse.

5. Mid-winter: I still had lots of cravings and couldn't stop thinking of all the possibilities of gaming again. I found out that I could limit my way of gaming by getting help from a specific friend. This way I could potentially play anything that I wanted and maybe, just maybe, have it under control. We proceeded to set up some pretty harsh boundries together and I started playing short indie games on my PC. It worked quite well initially but I was left unsatisfied with the PC platform and the way it handled certain aspects surrounding the games. I didn't have the same satisfying feelings of doing achievements as on my PS5 for example. So eventually I quit the PC account and proceeded to buy a PS5 and a brand new TV. I was doing long lists of games that I should play and set up a deadline for when I was supposed to have played the very last game on the list. Of course this caused a lot of stress in me and over time it built up so much that I was just left with a strong feeling of anxiety and regret. It all peaked when I was about to launch the very first game on my list and I just immediately froze and became aware of what was about to happen; so I quickly returned the PS5 and TV to the store and got all my money back.

6. End of winter: During all of this I had constant check-in's with my friend about my progress and we had long talks together where I reflected over what had happened and she responded with her own reflections. I started to get the feeling that I was perhaps manipulating the way I explained things in order to make them appear less alarming. I was at the same time telling her that I had found new joy in gaming again and that I was hopeful that it would work this time. Being understanding and caring she kind of went along with almost anything I said. I eventually came with the suggestion to start playing only racing games again, as a way of taking some steps back and being more careful. Of course this didn't lead to any real change whatsoever.

7.  Spring: I eventually stopped playing racing games (once again) and this time I convinced myself that portable gaming and Nintendo would be my salvation, as I grew up with Nintendo games and perhaps would rediscover some of that past joy. In some ways this happened of course but I also realized that I wanted to play on a portable device so that I could take it with me anywhere I wanted. I used this as some sort of excuse to get out more and visit new places far away. But this never really happened as I was stressed about the fact of not being able to play a specific way if I wasn't home or at least close to home. I was also caught up in a very long game that bored me half-way through. I finally realized that I was continuing to play the game even though I didn't like it particularly much and I was left thinking about other things I wanted to do as I was playing it. I for example thought about wanting to learn the piano or photograph more. Eventually this thought process completely overtook me and I stopped playing for three days straight to get some sort of mental pause. I realized then that I had not rolled up the blinds at home for about two weeks and I was also getting sore in my back as I was constantly lying on my couch to game. There were suddenly so many alarming signs that It had taken a turn for the worse. I proceeded to sell all my gaming equipment again and erased all the accounts associated with them.

8. Beginning of summer: This is where I'm at now where I've decided to quit this interest once and for all. I thought about what helped me quit the very first time and used that strategy to pull me out of it. I knew that I needed a new hobby and something to occupy my mind for the upcoming months so I signed up for some piano classes and looked around for a piano to buy. I also really started to focus on the planning of my Iceland trip (I'm going this sunday!) and realized how little I'd used my camera for the past 6 months. Once again I felt that gaming had started to take something away from me that was crucial for my well being and personal progress.

As I type all of this it becomes so clear to me that I never was on a good path to begin with and even though I thought I had my mind in the right place all I did was to prolong the inevitable. I'm glad I'm back here again and that my eyes are open once again. Hopefully it will stay this way now and I'll never have to write a relapse statement ever again!

[Ikar]

The mental athletics involved in just getting a game in, it's hard to actually believe it until it's all written down. Welcome back! 😄 

[Celgost]

You know what they say in Alcoholics Anonymous?
 

Quote

One day at a time.

 

Focus on not playing today. Stay sober, focus on what you can in life, which is what is right in front of your eyes. 

I think you're on the right path. Someday, shit might hit the fan, and you might want to remember why you didn't want to play in the first place.

[Wildermyth]

On 6/23/2024 at 4:15 PM, Ikar said:

The mental athletics involved in just getting a game in, it's hard to actually believe it until it's all written down. Welcome back! 😄 

Yeah, it all happens so rapidly that you don't ever get the time to think about your behaviour. I bought/sold like 4 TV's in total just before my first attempt to quit and I never even reflected on it. It wasn't until I thought about how it looked from the outside that I started to think it was something abnormal.

 

On 6/25/2024 at 12:11 PM, Celgost said:

You know what they say in Alcoholics Anonymous?
 

Focus on not playing today. Stay sober, focus on what you can in life, which is what is right in front of your eyes. 

I think you're on the right path. Someday, shit might hit the fan, and you might want to remember why you didn't want to play in the first place.

Yep, trying to remember my original struggle and the decisions I made at the time is key I think. But the human mind fragile and sometimes surpisingly forgetful. It's like that initial strength and determination you had gets weakened and you open yourself up to thoughts like "it wouldn't be so bad to get back into it, with some boundries this time.... right?". But yeat, the warning signs are always there and thinking that way is one of them I believe. I'm looking forward to getting past one year and see how my mind operates then. Hopefully this will get easier the more I engage with other things and get some distance from it all together.

[Amphibian220]

 

This is the recurring narrative in journals. If the job is not serving a great mission, we try to change it for something that carries meaning. But as time passes, we dont invest enough energy in it. So now we have to put ourselves through a trial to break out somehow. But if within some time, I don't see results, I start pondering whether I should go back to careless living.

Mediocre goals are not an alternative to gaming.

Drifting to low performance? Keep standards absolute.

The way in which i continued persisting in going after my goal as an athlete is by reading the very long battles of world athletes that took them decades of focused work. But this focused work will not mean anything if you are not having a good time and brothers who support you

Edited June 29 by Amphibian220