WilderDaze

It's kinda crazy how caught up we can truly become in this imaginary world. I recently saw the tv show Severence, which immediately made my top 10 list. It explores the concept that humans can detach the healthy part of their persona and make it live a separate life in an isolated place, while the one carrying all the trauma continues life as usual, unaware of what is happening to the other. The idea is that, as long as we know that some part of us is living a happy life, we will accept that the other one is carrying the weight on their shoulders. But the problem then is that you cannot really separate a person into two different enteties, as they will most likely always find a way back to be together in order to be complete and to heal properly. Of course this made me think a lot about gaming, and MMO's specifically. I was not really aware of it at the time, but my life kind of worked like Severance. I woke up each day in this gray reality where I had barely gotten any sleep, where I dragged myself to a job I hated, and where I always felt exhausted and unfulfilled. But whenever the day was over I almost ran back home in order to log in to that imaginary world where my other persona existed. There I felt I had some sort of purpose; I was socially capable, I had goals, I loved exploring and I forgot about the hardships of life for a couple of hours. But just like in Severance I eventually discovered that real life had to be dealt with and I could not grow the other person while excluding the other - they both had to be maintained. But as I grew the person outside of the game I became more aware that this was the one giving me the most satisfaction and feelings of fulfillment in the end. Especially when I discovered love and I could see that the outgoing and loving person I was in the game also existed outside of it. In many ways I think love saved me from MMO's, because the connection I felt with my girlfriend at the time was WAY more potent than anything I felt when I gamed. It's perhaps the only thing in life that can truly make my mind completely forget about video games. 💛

I struggled with two major MMO's back in the day so I know how it feels to get lost in some of the more prolonged gaming experiences. I think any game however becomes uninteresting to me when there is nothing more to achieve. Sure, you can always create a new character, or go for the really hard achievements, but that to me just feels like squeezing the lemon for two or three more drops. My brain just doesn't seem to bother with anything that has become too predictable or unrewarding. I want to move on to the next "big hit", because I know it's always around the corner somewhere. The biggest challenge though with was the deletion of the persona that I created in that fantasy world. I had plenty of gaming friends who knew me as this warm and outgoing person online, which was the complete opposite of my real life persona. But ironically enough it was my friends who made me quit those games eventually, as I could see how much they sacrificed to be in that imaginary world. One of my online friends really got stuck in one of those games and continued to play many years after I quit, which made me feel really sad whenever I thought of him. I was out there getting an education, hanging out with real friends, and he was stuck inside grinding away yet another day. I met him at one time in real life, and he was such a fragile and awkward person. Some of it came across online, but I could never tell how serious it was until I finally met him. Whenever I think of the extent of the issues that games can cause I always tend to think of him.

Watching a couple of these videos has got me wondering if I have ADHD. It's been circling in my mind for quite some time, but it feels like I can see myself more clearly than ever before. Probably because I've taken a step back from so many less productive activites lately and dared to confront myself with more than just the video game issue. I'm gonna see if I can get an appointment soon and get some professional input. I'm open to anything at this point, as I feel more lost than ever in whoever I'm trying to become. I just can't seem to understand how to set my boundries properly, beyond the obvious stuff. On a sidenote, I really like to read your well put answers. You have a way with words that speak a lot about your deep insights and your literacy skills. I'm curious btw, are you struggling with one specific game or several?

I watched a great video yesterday with a conversation that really stuck with me. It's in essence about the feeling of happiness, and how we in modern societies have fabricated happiness into a desire that has to be chased and collected. In reality however it might be the other way around; happiness comes when there is no longer any desire, when we get freed from the chase. And this of course translates to activities such as gaming where we are caught up in a fantasy of always chasing the next big sensation, never feeling fully satisfied. The ultimate question then poses itself: if we teach ourselves to feel happy and content in our most passive state, will we not then gravitate away naturally from these activities that so often comes with a false sense of fulfillment? Video games to me just seem like one piece of the puzzle. It is a sympton of a larger issue, which seems to derive from the constant chase for happiness. Remove games from the equation, without dealing with the root causes, and another desire will most likely only present itsef. We are so caught up in this strive for constant betterment and perfection, where everything is some kind of promise of a better tomorrow. In the process we seem to lose track of the present and the marvelous sensation of just existing, without constanly moving forward.

I can sort of relate. I myself have a very lively imagination and I often think about video games while experiencing other kinds of media, like music or movies. It's only natural I believe as the mind is used to vivid images coming from so much media exposure. You can see this within the gaming industry itself with many developers taking a lot of inspiration (for better or worse) from blockbuster movies. It's all part of the same corporate machine that wants to occupy as much of your mind as possible. I think over time these images will start to diminish as you stop having new experiences with games. But you will have to face the fact that it's impossible to block yourself from this influence completely. In the end you'll have to learn how to deal with having thoughts about gaming, but not surrendering to the urge to play them. I also suggest you seek some council perhaps regarding your anger issues. It sounds destructive to have such uncontrollable outbursts, and obviously it's costing you lots of money. I've had some anger issues myself related to competitive gaming so I know some of the emotions you're going through.

So today I got a reprimand at work for a situation that my boss took offense with. It felt painful initially and put a spin on my mind for a couple of hours. But I also noticed that I was quite comfortable with carrying these conflicting feelings, and I didn't want to suppress or numb them immediately. My mind started to wander towards the usual self-soothing stuff, like gaming, junk food etc., but I let it run its course and managed to find some focus eventually. I later called my boss and apologized and we had quite a good talk about it where he explained that his intention was to not make "a big deal" out of it, which felt comforting. Overall I'm surprised at how well I reacted to this. Usually I like to just hide and forget about my bad feelings, but here I faced them head on and felt quite good about myself in the end. It's been a couple of weeks since I really engaged with a video game so I suppose my brain is now adapting and finding new sources of strength and motivation. Feels awesome honestly!

Get an e-scooter. It feels like you’re floating on the ground; especially when you steer in wave patterns. 🙂

I feel like I'm slowly breaking myself down to eventually be built up again. I'm in this constant hypersensitive state that is both exhausting, but also empowering. I've learnt to appreciate these moments over the years as they make everything around me more vibrant and tasteful. Sometimes it shifts into unbearable noise of course, but I think that's part of the pursuit of absolute clarity. We as humans are so used to suppressing and numbing our pain with various stimuli that we have almost forgotten how we truly feel deep inside. Sometimes it feels like everyone is caught in this neverending act of selfdeception, and if you try to explain it to them you are the one that gets pointed out as the odd one. I have no idea how to truly free yourself from the shackles of this modernized world where everything seems to offer a way to escape oneself, but I'm at least willing to explore it and to expose myself in the process. It is painful, but also exhilarating. A rather insightful video on the topic:

I've been watching some gaming videos and listing favourite games the last couple of days. It feels like I've been on the verge of relapsing pretty hard, but today I deleted everything. I will make a clean reinstall of Windows on both my PC's this weekend and then make sure to get rid of everything else gaming related. I'm also gonna relaunch my photography on a new site as I deleted Instagram a while back. I just couldn't stand how Instagram felt like yet another dopamine trap. It totally affected the way I was taking photos and how I choose to present them. I don't want my photography to be another source of validation, and I want to take photos of the things that truly please ME and not others. I recognize that the struggle this time around is partly due to me not having a new interest to hyperfocus on. When I went on my 9 month streak I had photography and skiing to occupy every free hour. I think I might try to go for the driver's license this time around because that surely will take up a LOT of my time and focus, seeing how long it has taken me to gain the confidence to even practice driving. I think it will truly transform my life as there are SO many places I would like to go that are only possible with a car. Just to drive down to my family instead of taking the train all the time feels like a real bliss.

I've noticed I have the hardest time reading fiction. I just find it confusing with so many characters, events and occasional timehops. I'm more drawn to scientific litterature where I can learn new things about the world I live in. I recently read a book about cloud formations which was very informative, and I'm also waiting on a geology book to drop in the mail. I just find it so fascinating to learn about the nuances of the world; it makes it much more exciting to explore.

Day 5 now and I'm beginning to feel my mind clearing up and energy returning to me. I'm keeping track of the days with a calendar on my fridge, and it helps to keep me motivated and to stay strong. The biggest enemy is the feeling of boredome and trying not to freak out about the near future. My vacation is coming up in just 2 weeks time and usually I really, really look forward to it as it creates a lot of opportunity to delve into video games, but this time I have to do something different entirely. It's a good thing of course, but it will be a challenge for sure. I'm really trying to get into reading. Sometimes it has my fullest attention, but most of the time I'm struggling to keep my focus. I've always had a hard time reading as I get easily distracted and my mind starts to wander. Maybe video games is what made me so impatient and absent-minded, or maybe it was there all along. In any case, I'm practicing my attention now and I hope it will become easier as I progress with more kinds of litterature.

I'm feeling some serious cravings right now. I think it stems from boredome mostly, but also because I anticipated to have been playing a specific set of games right now on a newly released gaming consoles. I had built up so much hype and preparation to get this starting, and then it just all ended abruptly. During my previous attempts to quit I didn't have much to draw in me back initially, but this time there's plenty of things. It's easy to get distracted and start to fixate on them, especially when you experience occasional moments of weakness. Oh well, the fight goes on!

So my dopamine circuits have been running amok the last couple of days. The more my brain realizes it's not going to be fed anymore video games it's been keen on seeking out substitutes. Naturally this always seem to be overeating unhealthy stuff and watching a lot of porn. Gaming, junk food and porn were my three biggest vices back in the day when my addiction was at an all time high. The only time I left home was when I was too tired to game, jerk off or when I had to go to the grocery store to get some more junk food. Most of the time I didn't even make it to the grocery store, so instead I bought super expensive junk food at a gas station close by. Those were the glory days! All of this has of course led me to put a brake on several more compulsive behaviours, because they all come from the same destructive place. They are all subpar means of dealing with stress, loneliness and the lack of direction. But now I have most of those things in my life so it's much easier to grind the machinery to a halt and say 'hang on a minute!'. I have so many poor ways of not having to deal with reality and I think I have to bring all of them under the light in order to really beat my gaming addiction. My obsession with gaming might be at the top of the obsession pyramid, but when it's under control, I'm just working my way down to the next stop and eventually jump back on top. Patience, self control and going inwards to find deeper answers will be my focus going forward. Currently I'm exploring the psychology of addiction through the many works of Carl Jung. I came over this particular video about young men being unable to grow and find true meaning, and it really resonated with me. The term "Puer Aeternus" (The Eternal Boy) feels like something that could be applied to young men today who have a hard time leaving the comfort of their digital screens. They are all great leaders, creators and lovers in their own dreamy minds, but none of it really comes to fruition, as they are stuck and helpless.

I don't have a driver's license yet, but when i do, I reckon this will take off like there's no tomorrow. I can see that you have the same fire inside you, and it's nice to see someone here having other passions besides gaming. I had no issues taking new things up when I left gaming behind, because I had always dreamed about these activitites ever since I tried them out the first time. And I know by now that I'm driven by a strong will to explore and learn new things. I love to travel and to document new places with my camera. I also love to have new sports to look forward to every season so I can enjoy myself all the year around. As long as I have the motivation, I will always try new and exciting things. It is what keeps me going and what makes me bring my focus away from gaming.

Yeah, I know we had some really great moments from time to time. Especially me and Emma; whenever I think of her there's almost always good memories to recall. I think this is why I've never given up hope about love, or stopped believing in my capacity to show great love. I just need to work out my addictions in order to bring out the best of me most of the time. 🙂