WilderDaze

I watched a great video yesterday with a conversation that really stuck with me. It's in essence about the feeling of happiness, and how we in modern societies have fabricated happiness into a desire that has to be chased and collected. In reality however it might be the other way around; happiness comes when there is no longer any desire, when we get freed from the chase. And this of course translates to activities such as gaming where we are caught up in a fantasy of always chasing the next big sensation, never feeling fully satisfied. The ultimate question then poses itself: if we teach ourselves to feel happy and content in our most passive state, will we not then gravitate away naturally from these activities that so often comes with a false sense of fulfillment? Video games to me just seem like one piece of the puzzle. It is a sympton of a larger issue, which seems to derive from the constant chase for happiness. Remove games from the equation, without dealing with the root causes, and another desire will most likely only present itsef. We are so caught up in this strive for constant betterment and perfection, where everything is some kind of promise of a better tomorrow. In the process we seem to lose track of the present and the marvelous sensation of just existing, without constanly moving forward.

I can sort of relate. I myself have a very lively imagination and I often think about video games while experiencing other kinds of media, like music or movies. It's only natural I believe as the mind is used to vivid images coming from so much media exposure. You can see this within the gaming industry itself with many developers taking a lot of inspiration (for better or worse) from blockbuster movies. It's all part of the same corporate machine that wants to occupy as much of your mind as possible. I think over time these images will start to diminish as you stop having new experiences with games. But you will have to face the fact that it's impossible to block yourself from this influence completely. In the end you'll have to learn how to deal with having thoughts about gaming, but not surrendering to the urge to play them. I also suggest you seek some council perhaps regarding your anger issues. It sounds destructive to have such uncontrollable outbursts, and obviously it's costing you lots of money. I've had some anger issues myself related to competitive gaming so I know some of the emotions you're going through.

So today I got a reprimand at work for a situation that my boss took offense with. It felt painful initially and put a spin on my mind for a couple of hours. But I also noticed that I was quite comfortable with carrying these conflicting feelings, and I didn't want to suppress or numb them immediately. My mind started to wander towards the usual self-soothing stuff, like gaming, junk food etc., but I let it run its course and managed to find some focus eventually. I later called my boss and apologized and we had quite a good talk about it where he explained that his intention was to not make "a big deal" out of it, which felt comforting. Overall I'm surprised at how well I reacted to this. Usually I like to just hide and forget about my bad feelings, but here I faced them head on and felt quite good about myself in the end. It's been a couple of weeks since I really engaged with a video game so I suppose my brain is now adapting and finding new sources of strength and motivation. Feels awesome honestly!

Get an e-scooter. It feels like you’re floating on the ground; especially when you steer in wave patterns. 🙂

I feel like I'm slowly breaking myself down to eventually be built up again. I'm in this constant hypersensitive state that is both exhausting, but also empowering. I've learnt to appreciate these moments over the years as they make everything around me more vibrant and tasteful. Sometimes it shifts into unbearable noise of course, but I think that's part of the pursuit of absolute clarity. We as humans are so used to suppressing and numbing our pain with various stimuli that we have almost forgotten how we truly feel deep inside. Sometimes it feels like everyone is caught in this neverending act of selfdeception, and if you try to explain it to them you are the one that gets pointed out as the odd one. I have no idea how to truly free yourself from the shackles of this modernized world where everything seems to offer a way to escape oneself, but I'm at least willing to explore it and to expose myself in the process. It is painful, but also exhilarating. A rather insightful video on the topic:

I've been watching some gaming videos and listing favourite games the last couple of days. It feels like I've been on the verge of relapsing pretty hard, but today I deleted everything. I will make a clean reinstall of Windows on both my PC's this weekend and then make sure to get rid of everything else gaming related. I'm also gonna relaunch my photography on a new site as I deleted Instagram a while back. I just couldn't stand how Instagram felt like yet another dopamine trap. It totally affected the way I was taking photos and how I choose to present them. I don't want my photography to be another source of validation, and I want to take photos of the things that truly please ME and not others. I recognize that the struggle this time around is partly due to me not having a new interest to hyperfocus on. When I went on my 9 month streak I had photography and skiing to occupy every free hour. I think I might try to go for the driver's license this time around because that surely will take up a LOT of my time and focus, seeing how long it has taken me to gain the confidence to even practice driving. I think it will truly transform my life as there are SO many places I would like to go that are only possible with a car. Just to drive down to my family instead of taking the train all the time feels like a real bliss.

I've noticed I have the hardest time reading fiction. I just find it confusing with so many characters, events and occasional timehops. I'm more drawn to scientific litterature where I can learn new things about the world I live in. I recently read a book about cloud formations which was very informative, and I'm also waiting on a geology book to drop in the mail. I just find it so fascinating to learn about the nuances of the world; it makes it much more exciting to explore.

Day 5 now and I'm beginning to feel my mind clearing up and energy returning to me. I'm keeping track of the days with a calendar on my fridge, and it helps to keep me motivated and to stay strong. The biggest enemy is the feeling of boredome and trying not to freak out about the near future. My vacation is coming up in just 2 weeks time and usually I really, really look forward to it as it creates a lot of opportunity to delve into video games, but this time I have to do something different entirely. It's a good thing of course, but it will be a challenge for sure. I'm really trying to get into reading. Sometimes it has my fullest attention, but most of the time I'm struggling to keep my focus. I've always had a hard time reading as I get easily distracted and my mind starts to wander. Maybe video games is what made me so impatient and absent-minded, or maybe it was there all along. In any case, I'm practicing my attention now and I hope it will become easier as I progress with more kinds of litterature.

I'm feeling some serious cravings right now. I think it stems from boredome mostly, but also because I anticipated to have been playing a specific set of games right now on a newly released gaming consoles. I had built up so much hype and preparation to get this starting, and then it just all ended abruptly. During my previous attempts to quit I didn't have much to draw in me back initially, but this time there's plenty of things. It's easy to get distracted and start to fixate on them, especially when you experience occasional moments of weakness. Oh well, the fight goes on!

So my dopamine circuits have been running amok the last couple of days. The more my brain realizes it's not going to be fed anymore video games it's been keen on seeking out substitutes. Naturally this always seem to be overeating unhealthy stuff and watching a lot of porn. Gaming, junk food and porn were my three biggest vices back in the day when my addiction was at an all time high. The only time I left home was when I was too tired to game, jerk off or when I had to go to the grocery store to get some more junk food. Most of the time I didn't even make it to the grocery store, so instead I bought super expensive junk food at a gas station close by. Those were the glory days! All of this has of course led me to put a brake on several more compulsive behaviours, because they all come from the same destructive place. They are all subpar means of dealing with stress, loneliness and the lack of direction. But now I have most of those things in my life so it's much easier to grind the machinery to a halt and say 'hang on a minute!'. I have so many poor ways of not having to deal with reality and I think I have to bring all of them under the light in order to really beat my gaming addiction. My obsession with gaming might be at the top of the obsession pyramid, but when it's under control, I'm just working my way down to the next stop and eventually jump back on top. Patience, self control and going inwards to find deeper answers will be my focus going forward. Currently I'm exploring the psychology of addiction through the many works of Carl Jung. I came over this particular video about young men being unable to grow and find true meaning, and it really resonated with me. The term "Puer Aeternus" (The Eternal Boy) feels like something that could be applied to young men today who have a hard time leaving the comfort of their digital screens. They are all great leaders, creators and lovers in their own dreamy minds, but none of it really comes to fruition, as they are stuck and helpless.

I don't have a driver's license yet, but when i do, I reckon this will take off like there's no tomorrow. I can see that you have the same fire inside you, and it's nice to see someone here having other passions besides gaming. I had no issues taking new things up when I left gaming behind, because I had always dreamed about these activitites ever since I tried them out the first time. And I know by now that I'm driven by a strong will to explore and learn new things. I love to travel and to document new places with my camera. I also love to have new sports to look forward to every season so I can enjoy myself all the year around. As long as I have the motivation, I will always try new and exciting things. It is what keeps me going and what makes me bring my focus away from gaming.

Yeah, I know we had some really great moments from time to time. Especially me and Emma; whenever I think of her there's almost always good memories to recall. I think this is why I've never given up hope about love, or stopped believing in my capacity to show great love. I just need to work out my addictions in order to bring out the best of me most of the time. 🙂

I feel like I'm in a very sensitive phase right now, coming off my most recent relapse. I experience strong cravings and I'm constantly watching different sites to see if a game console is in stock. In order to find some strength and focus I think it will help if I reflect a bit on the past, and remind myself of how I hurt my previous girlfriends. I'll make up some names to keep them anonymous as I write about these experiences below. 1. Elise was my very first girlfriend. She was prone to self-injury as she had quite a fragile mind. It started out quite innocent and lovingly but quickly escalated into abuse and constant fighting. We were both young and damaged, and we did not have the capacity to foster a healthy relationshop. It's easy to understand that now but back then there was no experience to weigh things on. A couple of months into the relationship I started playing MMO games. Elise noticed that I drifted away and became less wary of her presence. We talked a lot online during those days since we lived a long way from each other, but when I was gaming it could take hours between my answers. She eventually started playing the same game as me and this was when we both got caught in the imaginary loop. When we had fights we even avoided each other inside the game world. At one time I even tried to hurt her by logging into her character and stealing all of her most valuable things, which to this day is something I'm still heavily embarrassed about. We were slowly becoming two husks without clear motivation and no will to save our relationship. After a couple of really bad fights it eventually ended. 2. Amanda was my second girlfriend. We had a stronger connection than me and Elise and I felt that I had matured somewhat. Ironically we met at a gaming meetup as we both liked gaming a lot. Amanda however had the ability to moderate her gaming time, which I was envious of. We initially lived together in a really small student apartment as she was studying while I was trying to find a job. Deep down I never wanted to get a job. because I just wanted to stay at home all day and make progress in my games. It went so far that I started lying about going to work, so that I could focus all my attention on gaming. I usually went up, as If I was heading to work, and then I just walked in circles outside for a couple of hours until I knew my girlfriend had left the place. After this I went back and gamed all day long until she came back, and then I lied about being at work all day long and that I had come home early. To this day she still doesn't know about this because I'm so ashamed of it. She was the sweetest girl and she never deserved anyone who would lie to her like that. When we eventually moved to a new place it all just escalated and my gaming habits were more out in the open. I could sit in one room and game all evening while her friends and her were having a great time in the other. At one time she opened the door just to show her friends what I was doing and I could barely muster the energy to say "hello". It ended a couple of months later when we moved apart to study at different locations. She felt there was nothing left to take from and that it had all withered, and she was right. 3. Emma is to this day my most successful relationship. Not because I stopped gaming while we were together, but because I had my own apartment to isolate myself in. I managed to strike a balance at the beginning of gaming when I had time for myself, and giving my girlfriend all the attention when we were together. Emma was incredibly attractive to me and her drawing force was most of the time stronger than what gaming was providing. This was kind of a wake up call to me, where I started to understand that other things in life could feel more relevant and meaningful than gaming. Despite this however we had a couple of clashes where she felt I was spending too much time on gaming forums and reading about games when we were together. And what ultimately brought our relationship to its demise was me growing tired of the relationship, as If I had worn myself down emotionally by being so invested. I think the mindset I grew from gaming heavily contributed to this, as I had the habit of burning myself out on various games and then quickly moved on to the next. I remember feeling a moment of relief when we finally broke up, because I knew that gaming then had my fullest attention. It makes me sad to think about it to this day. 4. Helen was perhaps the most emotional relationship I've experienced at the time. She brought out a lot of insecurities in me and was quite confrontational. In one way I needed a person like this in my life, but I was unsure that it to be a love partner. We had a strong honemoon phase which quickly transformed into something completely different when we decided to move in together. The way she was making me feel about myself made me more resistant to her better sides, and I eventually used every free time to escape into my gaming reality. At the end I did almost nothing but gamed all day long, and she told me that she resented me for it. We had a long and difficult talk on the side of the bed where she told me that I reminded her of a past experience with a drug addict. I showed the same signs and the same eagerness to make excuses for myself and downplay everything. She eventually broke up with me and threw me out of the apartment, rightly so. 5. Selena was the last girl I had any interactions with. We never really formed a relationship but dated for about 3 months. We had a lot of happy moments together, but in the end she got scared of what she was seeing. She told me I had lost track of a couple of important factors in my life, like my family and my physical health. She was right of course, but it pained me to hear about it so I shunned her and acted poorly. We didn't speak for about 6 months, but eventually ran into each other by chance. It led to one of the best conversations I've had to this day, where I was speaking the truth for the first time and apologized very maturely. Since this interaction I've never commited to anything romantic. Partly because I haven't felt the need or the strength to do so, but also because I've realized I have to deal with my addiction before I continue any further. I know by now how hurtful it can be to live with someone who loses track of everything, and it's not the person I want to be. I want my partner to have my fullest attention whenever we are together, and I want to feel a peace of mind whenever we are apart. I've never experienced a relationship without struggling with gaming and it feels both a bit scary, but also very exciting. Hopefully I'll learn more about this from experience in the near future.

I've been commenting for a while on gaming addiction videos on Youtube. Most of the answers I get are encouraging, but there's also a steady stream of people who really can't grasp what gaming addiction truly is. They often comment things like "learn to moderate!" and "games are not the problem - you are!", while also being agressively defensive around their own decisions to enjoy games. It's frustrating that it has to be like this, because speaking about your own struggles is not meant to be an attack on everyone else's enjoyment. As with many forms of addiction it has to be implied that a majority of people do not struggle with maintaining a crucial balance. Those who do, however, are in danger of ruining their lives. We still have a long way to go before people acknowledge this and learn how to approach gaming addicts with understanding and respect. For the time being I think I will stop commenting, because it also feels slightly triggering to be hit with a constant barrage of "you can control it!" sentiments. Trying to defend your stance also poses the risk of shaking it.

I've spoken with my best friend now and she's been very supportive. She said she could offer me a lot of her strength, but she also referred me to a psychiatrist as she pointed out her limitations. I think my friends will work more as a way to create resistance to gaming, as I feel responsible for keeping my promises to them. Tackling my issues head on however might be where I seek out the mental health care. I've written an application now so hopefully I'll get an answer shortly.