Pochatok

Hey! Props for trying out so many things already, this seems like a good start of a longer journey. Keep trying new things 🙂

Something that I've recently heard that helped me a lot with this thought: "what feels like walking back in circles, or going in peaks and valleys rather than steadily upwards... all of that is a part of healing. I am not failing or making little progress. Rather, this is all an inherent part of change" I'm so happy you've been able to act on and embrace such a significant change in your life @Books! I'm very thankful for all the journeys you've shared here. You continue to look up and not take what is in your life for granted. You remind me that I deserve a better life 🙂 Hope that this new environment will continue to empower you!

Thank you to everyone who reads my journal entries! I'm so humbled that you're willing to give them your time. Gaming This was true! Only played once, but I took a good amount of notes while playing the game and honestly didn't play as much as I did observe. Besides that, have been occasionally assisting my sister with progressing through her Terraria world. At this point, I believe so deeply in my ability to restrain myself that occasional gaming rings no bells. Glad to be here. Recap of the weekS Pretty much- I think that there is still some "urgent" things I am not attending, but at the end of each day I am feeling fullfilled. Being back with family has been fun- I am noticing so many ways in which I don't treat them the way I want to, and it's been frustrating and challenging and rewarding to work towards a better language. Have been reading every day for at least 30mins to 2hrs, and it feels so amazing to be learning so much every day. Effectiveness/Efficiency Feeling better here- with family home, it's difficult to have longer work sessions. Taking more breaks allows me to approach the tasks much more carefully. I am getting more goal-centered and efficient again, with every-day journaling. Past experiences have not been great, with me getting over-efficient and forgetting about goals/joy of the flow, but I know that I'm a different person now. Relationships Continues to be the case. I am excited to talk about this with my counsellor, and afterwards have a conversation with my partner. I think that as things are now, the relationship just doesn't fit my needs for a long-term monogamous romantic relationship. I will take the effort to give this more time, however, and will make sure to communicate to my partner as soon as I feel like I've formulated a solid opinion that I can verbalize clearly. Other than that, things with friends have slown down- none of them are obsessed with me lol, and neither am I. Despite the occasional chats, though, I am super excited to see them in-person soon, and know that they share some of that excitement too. Excited! Moving Forward I am much better at being in the present, and will take more mindfullness exercises into my routine once I am back on campus. Deepening relationships has been incredibly challenging, but I am making progress every day! It no longer feels like I am neglecting anything, but simply prioritizing. The most ambitious things I could be doing, I am doing! That brings me so much fullfillment I don't feel guilt for not tending to some other things. Though... In the coming weeks, I hope to be better at tending to all of my tasks, not just the top priorities, to continue to build deeper and kinder relationships, and to feel more confident than I've ever felt in myself. Thank you for reading ❤️ Po

If you have the time, I'd encourage to attempt to develop additional hobbies or at least interest in doing things to replace gaming. It might feel like developing a new addiction, and yet it was incredibly helpful for me in keeping urges for playing video games at bay. I did things like playing with legos, reading comics, making art, and learning new software- not easily addictive, but certainly rewarding with some effort. Good luck on making it through the holidays 🙂

I'm glad to be back 🙂 It's been 4 days since I have returned from my class in Spain, and I'm finally jet lag free, though still sore af. -- Gaming Well, since I am still committed to work in the Video Game Industry for the vast creative potential it offers, I am trying to play more games that I would like to make. Unsuprisingly, they are all non-action indies that often address a wide array of politically sensetive topics. I actually feel like I am studying, not simply entertaining myself. Recap of the weekS Oooh, during the class I've developed so many wonderful relationships with people that it made me wonder what I really am seeking from my romantic relationship. On that end, things are going considerably better than in the last 4, 5, maybe 6 months? But still, I feel like this relationship does not meet what I desire. Whether that can change, and whether that is a significant issue are questions I will be answering in the coming month. Truth is, I still was avoiding some difficult tasks- and not very cogniscent of it, even. It is scary to be working on such grandeur tasks, but remembering that even the biggest mountain is just a bunch of pebbles helps mitigate the fear. In many ways, the Class was refreshing but also dearly exhausting, but given how much I love working and learning, I did not let myself catch enough of a break. I want to do so many things, and not out of avoidance of self-care or tending to other, less "important" tasks. But, the last few days have been filled with a bit too much urgency. I hope to strike a better balance soon- just have some catching up to do tonight, and after that I will have a more relaxed timeline. Effectiveness/Efficiency Want to strike more on accountability! Motivation is also not having the best time, but I now firmly believe that it comes from doing, and try to "do" as much as I can. Noticing many more subtle avoidant behaviours in my life, and trying to deal with them appropriately. The biggest challenge, though, is finding joy in the present moment, and through that staying focused on my goals and efficiency. Despite the break from many of my patterns that the trip to Spain offered, I have returned to them immediately upon arrival home. My tendencies to lose flow due to discomfort, or to take frustration as a sign of success, or to accept energy deprivation instead of working towards replenishing it- they're all still here. I am glad I can name them better, and am already actively tackling them with new systems and patterns. Relationships Reading "Courage to be Disliked" has helped me gather together many ideas and beliefs I held for a long time into a coherent whole. It is not my responsibility to motivate my partner to complete these tasks. All I can do is communicate my feelings, and let them know of the consequences of inaction. No matter what kind of change will take place in the coming months, I will do my best to embrace it and move forward. And I did! I started out quite introverted, but was able to embrace much more presence and love and frustration of other people. I feel much more comfortable making new connections, hanging out in large groups, and constantly shifting boundaries and exploring new possibilities. I'm very excited to build on this experience once school starts again. Been feeling lonely, as I am completely by myself at home right now. Texting more, connecting with the environment outside, and appreciating what I have has been helping. Ultimately, I know that I am surrounded by many loving and caring individuals even though they are not here at the moment. Moving Forward Muhaha, I am working on them now! Breaking things down more and more and more has helped tremendously, as has visioning of the final result's benefits. Though a lot of the process is still challenging and time-consuming, I am excited to embrace being in these overwhelming situations more in the coming days. I hope to lessen avoidance of the present moment, deepen my relationships with things and beings that surround me, and tend to the tasks I often neglect. Thank you so much for reading my journal, I appreciate you so much and hope you've found this helpful ❤️ Po

No, thank you so much for being here, I appreciate so much that you took the time to read and respond to my thoughts! I believe that it is ultimately very hard to deal with stress head on, especially during relatively uncommon situations like an interview. Instead, I've been trying to minimize even relatively isolated outbursts of stress as quickly as I can in my every day life. I hope that by making the habit of pausing, assessing, and reacting to any situation that brings me discomfort, I'll be able to mitigate or at least accept the stress in those rare ocassions. Really hope to make the most of this habit in the next two weeks, as I am on break...

Hi LostRiver, Also wanted to send some words of appreciation your way. The style of writing you utilize is very powerful and moving, and the ideas and concepts you convey resonate with me very strongly. I am tempted to take notes 🙂 Thank you for sharing so much on this forum!

A long overdue entry. If you are reading this now- thank you for you time 🙂 I hope you find something to take away from my journey. -- Gaming Will get to this tonight- I think that playing 10-20 minutes before my day is over feels good. Since the break has started (I am all done with school yay), I've been certainly more tempted to play lots. Uninstalled all the games, and have made a commitment to not install anything "fun"; instead, I will do more experimental, challenging, non-relaxing, or simply puzzling games. They don't give the same chemical boost, and I don't feel addicted. Recap of the weekS Had a few more hangouts the following week that have been especially wonderful. I am so happy to be experiencing closer friendships. The academic term ended on a pretty good note. I do think that my motivation for doing well in classes has decreased, but I take that as a good sign- grades don't matter for my future much. What is an issue that I hope to address in the coming weeks, though, is that my motivation for long-term, important projects has not increased. This week is the beginning of Winter Break. I am feeling pretty good so far, I did not experience any burnout/exhaustion that came in years prior. There was a seamless transition from academics to personal work; I feel as motivated to get out of bed, get stuff done, and dream big. What definitely helped this happen was lots of self-reflection ahead of time, where I outlined my goals for the break, the things I want and need to do, and much else. Since I know what and when I want to get done, I don't feel unmotivated. Also, keeping the same work schedule helps so much- I wake up, go to bed, eat, and take breaks at the same time as before the break. Effectiveness/Efficiency Do have a plan, but am not actively working towards executing it. It is definitely avoidance mindsets- I don't have that much time to work on larger tasks, but I am not dedicating any at the moment. Oops, forgot about this! I don't think I need it much though, the value of a consistent sleep schedule is so obvious to me now (I've done more research) that I have a very strong inclination to wake up early. Better on this, but a bit irregular. I don't quite keep this in my mind as a goal, rather just tend to do it because what I'm after requires planning. Otherwise, I am feeling more or less at the top of my game. There is obvious challenges to being at 100% all the time- a new environment, less sunlight, more solitude, less scheduled events. To keep myself accountable and motivated requires a lot of goal work. I am continuing to do more of it every day. Also, I need to read more if I want to keep up. Books give me so much motivation. Relationships Romantically, I am continuing to sway back and forth between hopeful and pessimistic. My partner is doing the bare minimum, but with a lot of hesitation. Pushing the work and conversations forward is pretty draining and unrewarding for me, as I take lack of engagement from my partner as a sign that they won't do the work when life gets more stressful (and it always does!). But at the same time, I know that they do care, very deeply, about this relationship and believe in wonders. Some of the issues do stem from how I am approaching this whole thing, too, but I feel like the way I feel is very fair and reasonable. I will do my best not to act on it thought. Other things are going well. I am chatting with a lot more people online, and have scheduled a hangout already. Once my december course starts, I will be surrounded by friends 24/7. A bit nervous, but this is hands down the best opportunity to improve my social skills. And I will 🙂 Moving Forward In some ways- I am doing more than I was a couple days ago, being much more present socially, picking up new projects... But the largest, most ambitious things are still too scary-looking. Will get to them in the coming days no matter what!

Yes! Or, I want to think that way. He spend the first two decades of his life in rural Austria, where nothing happened and he couldn't meet his ambitions. That's why he left to US. And for some time while he was in US, his life was not super fascinating either. But, he managed to develop a work ethic great enough to win the Bodybuilding Championship on the 1st try... I hope to get there!

I thought a lot about this, and simply hope that my higher-than-average productivity and efficiency will help me get to those goals faster than that 🙂 I am trying to tackle things one by one at the moment though! There are lots of interviews about his early days, where he was pretty clueless about what he was doing and how; he got much better at getting the outcome he wanted with less work/time over the years. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about him as a person, but about his work ethic. I'm not sure if I will, but I certainly am able to get to approximately the same level of work ethic as him!

I'm so sorry work is such a dissapointment and stressor to you, and that depression is making it worse You certainly deserve to have a better life. I'm very glad that you were able to share all of these personal things here, and am happy to know that you're attempting to push through the hard times. I hope that you'll find a way to put out the dumpster fire that is working in this industry. I also hope that you aren't being too hard on yourself for all the behaviours/patterns you're going through, since they are caused by things that are very difficult to control.

That's very unfair for you to say to yourself! No one is born to suffer, we all get to choose what our life aspires towards. It does not have to be suffering. You're not garbage 🙂 I haven't read it myself yet, but heard good things about the "Personality isn't permanent" when it comes to making the process of altering your self-definition a bit easier.

I recommend reading more about this! For me, understanding how my introvertedness works (by reading "quiet the power of introverts") helped me a lot in figuring out what kind of social interactions feel fullfulling and purposeful. Also yes, the need for entertainment is certainly something to work with during the 1st few days/weeks of detox. Nothing really brings the same levels/types of excitement simply because the brain is so addicted. It will get better! After I went through a full 90-day detox, reading became more fun than video games 🙂

Is there a need that's not being met at the moment that is increasing the cravings? Sometimes I struggle to identify it, but every time I have had increased cravings, it would be coming from an area of my life not getting enough time and attention...

Are you able to adjust your environment at all? Even something like moving around furniture/lights/decorations can trick your brain to treating as a "new" environment, and in that window it's possible to create new associations and habits with the place. Good luck! I agree, social activity is amazing- every time I come here, I pick 1-2 random journals to comment on, it feels wonderful!

Have you read "Atomic Habits"? It helps solving this issue of not having motivation at certain times through creation of "habit chains"... For me, the morning starts with watering all of my plants, then immediately going for a 5-min walk, then journaling while the water for my tea is boiling. Afterwards, I allow myself to be grumpy/tired/frustrated at the morning, but the first 20 minutes of my day are "automated".

Arrived to this point recently too, it's so helpful! I think I read it in the "The Obstacle Is the Way" book... Do you think of it as, I'm not doing/being my best just for myself, but for all the people and communities around me? For me, reminding that me living my best life (which means me doing a lot of great but hard things and being happy) is as much an act of service to myself as it is to others helps so much with drive 🙂

What does it mean that you've "lost yourself"- is that you were not yourself for some time, or..? I adopted the radical acceptance mindset (to some things, not all), and it helps me make it through the day without negative self-talk and shame/guilt overpowering my ability to function. Even when I am at my worst, I believe, I am still attempting to do my best under the circumstances. I'm never lazy or wasteful; doesn't mean I don't feel regret, but does mean that I approach all decisions I make (and their consequences) with more empathy and compassion. I'm very glad to see you be back on this journey! It is a difficult one, and I hope you will get as much support and resources as needed. Not sure if you're looking for books, but something that has been helping me with motivation greatly is "The Obstacle Is the Way". Not a great book, but certainly gets me excited.

Thank you for reading my journal entry, I appreciate you being here so much! --- Gaming Nothing different! Haven't played at all this week due to how busy I've been, but hope to get play games with my favourite soundtracks a bit in the coming days. Recap of the week Hehe, had 4 hangouts this week and am feeling much better. There is so much I'm learning about being close friends with others, and while I have to work against some self-shaming whenever I make mistakes, it feels quite rewarding. Effectiveness/Efficiency Still haven't worked as much as I'd like, though I've made a lot, a lot of progress horizontally. I will set this down as my goal for next week. Other than that, I've managed to mess up my sleep schedule the last two days, and it has such a tremendous effect. Simply going to bed 1hr later and/or sleeping for <1hr makes me so exhausted. Feeling sore, out of focus, sluggish. I'm not upset at myself as I both times I stayed up for reasons that felt valid in the moment, but I will keep a "sleep streak" from now on to encourage myself to stick to the schedule. Another area is lacking goals for some of my creative work. At times I can just jump into the midst of it and do great, but often that gets me into very frustrating situations. I will make it a goal to create detailed plans for every worksession. Did not happen due to sleep issues. I will make a goal of reading for 1hr before bedtime. This will be a tough one... Relationships Beginning to feel this, not just believe. My partner does care a lot, even if it doesn't seem so at times. I very much appreciate their efforts, and it brings me hope. Slowed down a bit. I will make this a daily activity (at 9:30PM) from now on. Other than that, I'm so happy to be a bit more social again. Hanging out with people, for some reason, decreases my drive for productivity; not sure how to deal with that, and whether it really bothers me. Next term, I want to try to have a more consistent social life w/out losing my workaholic-ness. Moving Forward ✅ Next week, I want to go beyond the everyday routines, and work on those big, ambitious dreams. I'm doing great work, but if I want to be recognized for it, I need to get louder.

Thank you! I'm glad you've found something helpful in my journal ❤️

Yes! Took me so long to realize this simple concept. So helpful. I like that! When I think of moving to another country, I usually only have the reasons to leave, not to pursue. Thank you for sharing this 🙂

Kind of! Most projects I get to work on end up being outstanding, but I tend to be working on too many projects at the same time, and struggle to have just one main priority in life. Lately though, I've been embracing that more. I am an artist, and if all of my passions improve my craft in direct ways, then it's a win. I've started to look at my passions as enchancing one another, with one being the core, and others at its periphery. Career wise, I plan to shift between passions as well: as soon as I can sustain myself financially with one thing, I will start shifting to another passion until it becomes sustainable too. For example, I've used my research and academic projects to create narratives in my visual arts, and then enchance the visuals with sound design and/or music (which is my core passion). I think that it is okay to have a lot of goals, it's more about laying them in a sequence and letting some catch dust while polishing others. I do need to work on that, stilll. What do you think?

My deepest gratitude to all who take the time to read my journal entries, your presence makes me smile 🙂 -- Gaming Shifted the mindset, yay! Either play games as a way to challenge myself cognitively, or to examine what emotional impact sound can have in a game. It is very inspiring to feel intense emotions from music while playing. I've come to accept that having fun is inherent to most video games, but that does not mean I cannot approach them critically. Recap of the week Both grew over the week. My social anxieties got worse (so I've scheduled hangouts with people, yay), but I'm also very solid on my routines. Had an awesome performance yesterday, a few things "could have gone better" but I am very proud of how much leadership and passion I was able to project. Besides that, this week has been very demanding in a variety of ways, underwhelming and stressful for more prolonged periods of time, but also stabilizing. I feel more in control of my life and future. Effectiveness/Efficiency Need to work more on this! I am starting to branch out, but so far much more horizontally. Look up, look up! Improving slowly. The best way to improve is to learn and then practice. So far, there is not much learning, and so little to practice. I will try to read for longer at the end and beginning of each day! Relationships Nope, they help me visualize problems and paths to solutions, but doing the work is up to me and my partner. So far, they've been hesitant to work on some of the issues, but they're acknowledging that and I am continuing to be hopeful, kind, and encouraging. This has been extremely stressful for me, but I am patient and trust my partner to move forward with me. Things can work out long-term, and I really, really want them to. Haven't done this, but have been texting people more regularly with "gratitute messages". I simply thank them for commiting time to build a relationship with me, and that feels great. I hope to get into habit of acting, not just being more kind in the coming months. Moving Forward Solving that by stretching every time I catch myself having an urge to itch or itching my face. Quite rewarding. I hope to feel more secure about my romantic relationship in the coming way, have my other social needs met, and start moving upwards career-wise. -- Thank you so much for reading my journal! Have a great rest of your day, fellow quitter ❤️ Po

Thank you! I've passed those 90 days nearly a year ago and since have decided to work in video game composition, so playing video games is a part of my career. I don't view it as a relapse anymore, though, since I am no longer experiencing addictive patterns. I have a (what I consider to be) healthy relationship with gaming and am fully in control of how much time and when I allocate to video games. Hope that you'll stay strong on your own path, and thank you for checking out my journal, I appreciate your time and opinion so much ❤️

Second this so much! Completing a full detox once, or even a considerable part of it, helps so much. Pat yourself on the back for every day you pass through 🙂 Happy you're already 28 days in, and acclimating to being in a new country so well @Niko_Buccellati.