ceponatia

Yeah that's where I'm at with alcohol, myself. I could probably go out and have a beer with some friends, but I don't want to and why risk it?

Yeah I think you're on the right track. It's good to have the university background to support you. That's the track I'm on right now... I'm going to start looking for entry level jobs in my field before I graduate so I'll at least have some experience and not have to start from zero.

Hard to stand out in a crowded field like that, I assume. Perseverance eventually wins though.

Kinda crappy for her to do that to you, to be honest. She knows you like her and vice versa but she tells you what she does with her boyfriend? That's not something a friend does.

Weekdays are still easy for me. If I worked 7 days a week I'd never play a game again, lol. Had a really good night last night, productivity-wise. I sat down with my Maschine for a full hour and actually got some practice done. Here's a link to what I made if you're interested... it's NOT good by any stretch of the imagination. I was just practicing rhythm and some of the functions of the hardware, not focusing at all on what it sounded like... haha. Other than that I ate some home cooked dinner and had enough left for lunch today so I won't be wasting money. Also today starts my first day of CAFFEINE DETOX. I got plenty of sleep and ate a decent breakfast so I think I'll be ok. I've also been weaning myself off for the last couple weeks so it shouldn't be as bad as other times I've tried quitting.

Yes I found that too. I totally gave up sugar for about 6 months last year but slowly fell back into it. I'm going to do it again but one thing at a time... games first. lol

I know it sucks but honestly don't sweat the girlfriend issue while you're in high school. Believe me when I say that once you're out of that place, people behave completely differently. I didn't date anyone til I was 19 and then it was like the flood gates opened, lol.

Sugar detox is a great idea! I read the book "The Case Against Sugar" a few months ago and it was pretty eye opening.

I hear you. My mother is extremely codependent so all of her affection comes with a price tag.

02/03/2020 Sunday was a pretty good day for me and overall despite gaming for a bit Saturday I am really happy with how the weekend went. I got all of my university work done 2 days early and got a head start on the next week's assignments. Ate like crap though, I'm starting to put weight back on so I gotta be more mindful of that. I just haven't had the motivation to cook lately... the last thing I want to do after work is go shopping. I'm going to do it today, though. I wrote it so it has to happen, lol. I'm also committing to using my planner all 7 days this week. I've been REALLY bad about it the last couple of weeks but when I DO use it, I get everything done. I think I subconsciously "forget" to use it so that I can be lazy.

It's the same as all addictions... there are alcoholics who were able to drink in moderation, although very, very few of them. Just as there are probably game addicts who can eventually play games in moderation. It requires a complete lifestyle change, though. Most people are not capable of doing that overnight (or at all).

I have the band and handle resistance band. Really is all you need to do a decent AM workout. I've been trying to build a home gym for about a year now but it can get expensive.

Good luck with Python, I'm learning too for college. My brain doesn't work that way but I'm trying lol.

Good job on your calorie goal! I think it's a good idea to not watch or listen to Let's Play's... It's like if an alcoholic was trying to quit drinking but kept a bottle of scotch on their desk "just to look at" lol. Maybe check out some music or nutrition podcasts?

Haha, good distinction! I've thought about getting an aquarium but not in my current setup. Very tiny bedroom in my parents' house. I also need to remember to draw once in a while. I used to love it and just stopped doing it one day... probably when I started gaming a lot, lol. Even when I was younger and gaming, though, I'd draw characters from games and stuff... make comics and things like that. IDK what happened. Sounds like a good day!

I admire all of you who are jumping into the social aspect... I haven't been able to do that yet really. I'm going to have to completely build new friendships from the ground up because everybody I'm still friends with lives on the other side of the country; all of my friendships here I ruined when I was actively drinking. It's really hard to build new friendships from zero at 38... everyone my age has families they need to spend time with... I'm close with a few people from work but I'd never be able to actually hang out with them. One is a woman who has a very jealous husband (I'm not even remotely attracted to her but he still acts weird around me) and the other left our office to go work in another county so kinda far away. I reconnected with two old friends a couple weekends ago and we went out to lunch but they have kids and husbands themselves so even though I'll probably see them again, it won't be frequently. I also used to date one of them so idk if it'll be weird to be around her husband. lol. I pretty much ONLY know women, which is weird to me. I have nothing against men and would love to meet some men to hang out with, but for some reason I only attract women for friendships. I've had male friends in the past but they weren't very good men... maybe I'm subconsciously avoiding men because I don't want to become best friends with another pedophile. Anyway, just wanted to say I enjoyed reading about everything you're doing to find a relationship and meeting up with friends, and then I got kinda carried away. LOL.

Hey @Ikar, still doing better than usual. I usually game on Saturdays still... but it's been less and less every week. Usually after a couple hours I'll just be like "wait what am I doing?" and stop, lol. I've been mainly posting on the stopgaming subreddit although I still try to check here once in a while. I have my own blog that I journal on too so it's hard to remember to update this one. So... JOURNAL UPDATE... lol... Day ??? Had the best week I've had in years! Didn't game at all til Saturday, dove back into music pretty deep... joined a few groups for producers to try to learn from them but, sadly, nothing's really changed in those type of communities... it's all just teenagers posting links to their soundcloud page over and over. Not much actual discussion about technique or anything. Oh well. Hitting up YouTube for music tutorials, trying to learn theory finally. Reading a few good books... Ayoade on Ayoade by Richard Ayoade (british comedian / actor) and Perfect Sound Whatever by James Acaster (another british comedian / actor). Discovered both of them on some Netflix shows I've been watching. I've watched just about everything American so I've started watching UK comedies haha. So yeah, not game free yet but doing a whole heck of a lot better than I was 4 weeks ago. Feeling pretty great. Oh yeah, I also went to the gym 4 times last week. I should also mention that drinking soda is DEFINITELY linked to gaming for me. I didn't drink any at all until Saturday when I started playing. Felt pretty good to just drink water. I was way more energized and awake than usual.

Day Eleven It's actually become pretty easy to avoid gaming lately. I wouldn't lie and say that I've replaced it with tons of productive hobbies, I've just been too tired and busy to even think about gaming after work. This weekend I'll make more of an effort of working in some of my other goals like studying piano and getting back to the gym. I've also been eating pretty poorly this week which has both cost a lot of money and probably contributed to how tired I feel.

Recovery is a process. Every time you start over, you're still learning from your mistake and will be stronger next time.

Day Ten Settling into a bit of a routine now. I was going to wake up earlier today to go to the gym but I'm just too tired when it's cold out. I could go to bed at 6pm and wake up at 5am and still feel tired. It's nuts. Not much else to report. Kind of a boring week.

Day Seven Feeling better today. Back "on the wagon" so to speak! Waking up this morning, gaming wasn't even remotely interesting to me so I'm jumping back into A+ cert studying and school. My school weeks go from Tues - Mon so my next assignment will start tomorrow. Finished my exam today (aced it but that's not difficult at all at UoP). Not really sure what to do hobby-wise today so I'm cleaning up and getting everything ready for the work week. Had today off for MLK day. I've been spending a bit of time on the stopgaming subreddit too. Lots of the same question being asked over and over by people who will never be back. Very similar experience to when I used to go to the alcoholism subreddit. People only want to quit when they're feeling down; once they go to bed and wake up fresh they're right back into it. It takes a conscious effort and planning to actually quit. So, those subs are pretty frustrating. There was even one guy whose life was such a mess I almost wanted to say that quitting games should be at the very end of his list. But I try to not give people life advice these days. Not only is it none of my business, they're also not going to listen so it's a waste of effort. Still happy with the fact that I actually went out with REAL LIVE FRIENDS on Saturday. I hope that can happen more frequently. It's difficult at my age because everybody is married and has families that they need to do things with most of the time. People don't go out for a day and try something new like they did when we were younger. Now it's just meeting for drinks at a bar for an hour or two which I obviously can't do. Ah well, that's just negative thinking getting the better of me. It'll be alright.

"Using dreams" are a common occurrence with all addictions. They suck, but they're perfectly normal. I still wake up in a cold sweat after having a dream about getting drunk, wondering if I actually did drink the night before and then realizing I don't have a hangover. Lol. They'll always be there but they get much, much more infrequent. And don't think of it in terms of "why do I always have to mess up so much". People make mistakes and we learn from them. You're doing great.

Day Five & Six had my first relapse, which I expected to happen eventually. I'm no stranger to quitting an addiction and it's kind of just part of the process. Learned from it though... I can't put off my ADHD medication or I lose all of my energy and don't want to do anything productive. To be honest I didn't even want to game, I just wanted to do other things even less. Back at it now. Studying tonight and throwing myself back into music. No harm done.

Interestingly I've been thinking about finding an acting school too!

Day Four Yesterday was great! Work went by super fast and afterward I studied and spent some time with the family. Today I am meeting up with some friends I haven't seen in a decade which makes me nervous of course but the fact that we used to be best friends helps. It's snowing big time here so most of my morning is being spent on that and trying to buy a snow blower. I'll finish up the afternoon with some Machine practice and light reading.