BooksandTrees

I didn't have enough energy to exercise but when I don't watch porn I have more energy. So I might give it a shot!

Today is 99 weeks without gaming. I'm on day 3 without porn. I'm having major issues with anxiety recently. I'm not getting deep sleep and I just feel terrible and have memory issues because of it. Typically, I'm waking up 5 to 6 hours after falling asleep with obscene levels of energy and panic in my head and chest with my eyes pulsing open out of fear. My emotions range to feeling like I could collapse and die to feeling like I can run though a wall and fight someone twice my size and laugh at them the whole time. Sometimes my legs feel like they're restless and I could run for miles. My Fitbit says I'm getting less than 20 minutes of deep sleep each night. This has to be because of my exam and changing projects at work. The projects at work aren't hard and I can do them easily. But I'm panicking because I'm not studying well and it's impacting my life to where I don't want to do anything. Then I perform poorly at work. I'm too tired to exercise so I'm not dealing with this stress properly. I quit porn and I was starting to watch porn about 4 or 5 times per day because of stress. Now I'm not releasing the stress and not studying. Well today I'm making sure I study the whole day. I'm declaring war on this exam. It's ruining my life so I will ruin its life by doing well on it. I can study for 15 hours this weekend, about 8 hours per day and be very far ahead in my studies. I am going to destroy this exam. I'm tired of it getting in my way. It's a huge hurdle for my career but provides a massive pay raise that I need so desperately in today's uncertain COVID19 economy. But even before the economy issues the exam stress has prevented me from pursuing hobbies because I knew I'd have to commit 2 to 4 months to it. It also prevented me from dating because I don't trust relationships to be stable enough for me to study. Historically I date needy women who play mind games and they've ruined my grades when I was in college. I had to stop dating in order to graduate. It's associated women with failure for me. Once this exam is over I might be able to date again and not fear that they're going to ruin my life. That's a huge reason I watch porn. Porn is a safe way for me to Express myself sexually without the mind games women play with you during relationships. I don't want mind games anymore. Not all women do this, I know. But the ones I've dated in the past do and I haven't tried dating a woman who is sane because of dumb luck. My friends in life who are women are normal and not psychotic drama queens or narcissistic. I trust them. But I can never find women like them with dating. They jeopardize my mental health. It's terrible. I'd love to watch porn right now to reduce this stress but masturbating won't get me better at the topic I'm studying. People are driven to do great things when under stress and have to escape pain. Eventually I'm going to do tons of body weight exercises to death metal music and calm down before studying for 8 hours and feeling better. I'll do my best to find an authentic and mentally stable woman after my exam. They exist. But right now my goal is this exam and only this exam.

Today was the first day I haven't taken a nap in several weeks and I honestly don't remember the last time I didn't take one. I wasn't super productive at work but I did get stuff done and I also spoke with friends today which was nice. I didn't study tonight which is bothering me. I chose to relax instead because I was still out of it emotionally. It's been only 2 days without porn but it feels like weeks. I'm avoiding fantasy thoughts altogether right when I start imagining something sexy. I just change the thought as fast as possible. I also feel naturally tired tonight. My plan is to wake up tomorrow, grab breakfast, and do a study session and carry on from there. With all luck I'll finish a category by the end of the weekend or day depending on my production. I felt less lonely today because of talking to my friends but also not watching porn.

I'll be posting pretty often because I want to use this diary to journal my cravings and issues with porn now. Sorry if that is annoying. Anyways, today I have much more energy. I have no anxiety symptoms or anything. I still want to watch porn sometimes, but I feel so much better than yesterday. I might actually study tonight. I feel unproductive at work, but it's been my most productive day all week. I'm tired, but not sleeping to skip on tasks. I just feel more tired in general, but better. I might relax after work for a bit and then study. I can't begin to tell you how much more energy I have today vs the rest of the week. It's like I woke up finally.

My Fitbit has been helpful. I wake up around 6 for over an hour apparently and then it takes me 1 hour to fall asleep on average. So I'm only getting 45 minutes of deep sleep each night.

Another night where I couldn't sleep. I know it's anxiety causing this. I thought I was having chest tightness and pain from COVID19 but I didn't come into contact with any infected people. When I'm not worrying I'm fine. I feel behind in my studies and work and it's getting to me.

I don't know how I feel about today. I didn't sleep well last night and just was off all day. I felt delirious and stupid almost all day. I could barely get work done. I keep feeling so out of it. I took a 2 hour nap but before I took the nap I had to struggle for 20 minutes with urges to watch porn. It was terrible. Quitting porn is going to start with quitting fantasizing thoughts. I used to think I could day dream about porn and not delve into it, but day dreaming is like watching a Twitch stream for a game addict. I'd really like to PMO right now and tonight so i can relax before bed. I can't do it anymore though. I need to be strong and keep fighting. I've been watching a lot of movies recently. It's been nice but I'm wondering if I'm just doing it to distract myself from studying or actually enjoying it. I enjoyed the movies and plan on studying for 8-16 hours this weekend. I don't think that's a big deal to do. I feel like I'm transforming and that's why I'm so tired. I'm ready to move forward. I watched Star Wars tonight and movies like this really make me feel like I'm part of destiny. I don't mean that in a selfish way. I just mean you feel like you're one of the Skywalkers and you feel powerful. I sometimes wish I could find a woman as special as that and form a loving bond with her. I'm hoping to meet a special woman one day. Unfortunately, it won't be through dating apps as I believe they're pure cancer and have demonized the dating world. It sickens me how trash the apps are and how bad people act on them. I won't take part in them again. I will find someone in real life somehow. I promise myself. I have to focus that "desire to love someone else" into the desire to love myself and care about myself. I can do this. I got a haircut as well today and took care of all my chores in and around the house. I watched a really good video about porn addict recovery timelines:

I've been in a similar situation and it's important to just ditch the distraction of gaming. You're going to feel apprehensive about starting all that work you've been putting off because you know it's so stressful, but you'll feel tremendous after completing all of it.

Thanks guys. The dreaming I will forever have control of because as a child I had vicious nightmares for over a decade and I taught myself full control. I can now remember every detail of every dream and do whatever I want in them like I'm living in real life. I had some incredibly vivid dreams and urges for porn today but I kept deep breathing and changing my thoughts. It was really difficult but eventually I was fine. I might need to buy myself some sort of exercise bike to deal with the absurd level of energy I generate from urges. It makes me feel superhuman. I was reading how only 60% of addicts can recover by 90 days and that most recover at 150 days. That coincides with my video game recovery since I had cravings for almost 6 months. I can do this.

I am a compulsive sex addict and will recover. It is worse than my video game addiction. I will recover.

What made you want to quit gaming? Do you have a link to your introduction if you wrote one?

I will because it is my goal.

Lol I watch porn and then YouTube to the point of exhaustion and then fall asleep without control. I have the ability to control all of my dreams when I'm in them so I change them all night long. But it's exhausting. Sometimes I just hug a little stuffed animal I won at a carnival and I feel better. It's times like that when I wish I had that loving girlfriend I've always wanted.

I keep telling myself I don't need a girlfriend but God damn I want a girlfriend lol.

I had some anxiety tonight but I'm feeling better. I'm so grateful that I was persistent with making sure I had a place to live and doing all of my work through everything. Nights like tonight I can sit and relax after stress and just thank myself for the commitment. I might not have a girlfriend or someone to hug me and support me at home, but I have myself and I think I've proven that I'm pretty impressive and dedicated. I'm happy for that.

I had kind of a stupid day for several reasons, but I just feel very out of it mentally. It kind of stinks. I just don't feel mentally able to study tonight and that's concerning to me. I just slept so poorly and I couldn't shake the grogginess all day. It's almost like a depression. I watched porn twice today already. Just disappointing. I'm going to watch some TV and calm down and hopefully feel better. What a stark change from last night. But that means tomorrow can be good again.

Thanks. I have a terrible relationship with falling asleep due to night trauma. I think it's a big reason I played games and watch porn currently. I used to have severe panic attacks at night and terrible nightmares. I'd also be afraid of someone killing me in my sleep so I'd set up noise alarms around the room to alert me of an intruder. Porn helped take my mind off of these thoughts and nothing I can really do helps with it. It's so frustrating.

Great job! It's not too often you hear that so keep going. You're doing great, or amazing like they are saying.

I probably woke up like 7 times last night and slept terribly. I kept freaking out or worrying. It's pissing me off. My whole back and neck are sore. I think my bed is just so uncomfortable at this point. Who knows.

For some reason I didn't see this. I don't really check the other forum sections much anymore. I think you've done a great job and have helped the community during your time here. People have probably benefited as much as you've benefited from them. Keep it up.

Getting rid of facebook helped me get rid of video games to be honest. I think getting rid of facebook helped me remove the emotional attachment I had to the internet and allowed me to have the courage to get rid of gaming and my attachments to the fake friends I had online there as well.

Thank you! The exam is the professional engineering exam to be a licensed engineer. It takes 5 years experience under licensed engineers and a bachelor's degree to become eligible as well as passing a 6 hour fundamentals of engineering exam which sums up your college education. It's kind of like becoming an MD as a doctor or DMD as a dentist. It's one of the pivotal points in an engineer's career to officially make them an engineer. It's one of the toughest exams in the country with one variation as probably the toughest being a 16 hour exam of pure structural engineering problems.

I got started studying, cleaned my whole apartment, did laundry, did dishes, meal prepped, sorted my mail, and now I'm sitting outside in the cool weather. Sometimes the cold air calms me down and grounds my thoughts. Deep breaths help stabilize me. I find it funny how years ago I could never sit and relax because I needed to play video games. Next month will be 2 years for me. The clarity I feel right now is a good omen. These next 6 weeks I'll have the drive and passion to study properly and nail this test. I visualize my success like I did through college and my career accomplishments. This is my world. This is my story. It's nights like tonight that remind me I don't mind the northeast. I don't need warmth all the time. Sometimes we need adversity to push ourselves to do great things. Comfort doesn't always allow us to excel. I find escapism is a way to continuously find comfort. It's not good to always be pushed but it's also not good to always be comfortable. My calmness in this cold and stress is a sign that I'm ready. Tonight is one of those nights I choose to cherish as a turning point in my year. It's game time.

I took a nap for a couple hours and talked to my friend for an hour. I feel better. I just felt sick for a bit out of nowhere. I'm ready to study tonight though.

Just don't force it for money. There's so many jobs out there. Not worth suffering if you end up suffering. You have enough things going on.