BooksandTrees

Today I'm 113 weeks free from gaming and 115 weeks free from social media. I had a very productive day today. I vacuumed and mopped my whole apartment as well as cleaned the surfaces and bathrooms etc. I also took out a ton of trash, cleaned dishes, did laundry loads, shredded mail, and threw away some crap I didn't want anymore. It feels really good to clean things. I don't like a lot of clutter around me as it makes me feel confined and trapped. I found some beginner drum lessons on YouTube to try out for my drum kit. I'll be doing that soon. I also found some stuff I wanted to 3D animate so I'll be doing that tomorrow for a little bit. I'm going to be slow with this and not try to rush anything crazy. I allowed myself to sleep a ton this week and I feel recharged finally. So I'll be exercising now, doing a little bit of hobbies here and there, then I'll be relaxing. This whole year is going to be about balance for mental clarity. I want to see if I can avoid burnout. That would be great.

Had my 4th video date tonight. I really enjoyed it. She's so engaging during conversation and it's a real delight to go back and forth with jokes and deep conversation. There's such a great blend that it keeps things fresh for the entire date. I had fun.

We plan on meeting. It's just not safe right now in the United States. People here are morons and spreading it like crazy. I'm not about to get covid. But I agree with you.

You can re-write or share in private if you want.

I don't think it's possible for most people to be intimate with others. We're such a unique species where it's one heart one love mentality. I even found that during porn videos I watch, I can't watch videos with more than 1 woman because I want both women to feel unique and loved. I know porn...they're not getting loved. But their emotions are on the table and I don't see them being treated fairly in that specific instance. I think it's just important to share intimacy and love with that one person. Maybe this time away from both will be good to think about what you miss most about each person and what makes you happiest. The heaviest weight is the one you keep.

Congrats on 90 days. Keep going. It's a balance trying to figure out what to write. I suggest keeping the extremely personal stuff separate and only communicating with therapists on those topics. Such things like specific work issues or specific family issues. I avoid work on this website completely. I mainly use this site to clear my thoughts. I've had outbursts where I write hate ridden posts about my family or friends and I end up deleting them. I'm a very fiery person and sometimes it's tough not to blast someone to smithereens on this website lol. Write something down, take a few moments, read through it, if it feels inappropriate or not the way you'd like to be seen by others, then delete it and write it in a more constructive way. I am seen as a leader in this community and if I start acting like an immature baby and saying stupid things in my diary it does not set a good example for others to heal or who look up to me for advice.

Good job resisting the urge. I used to get caught up reading updates from time to time. It's not worth it. I think it's smart to write notes about your emotions. That's why I was telling you for the past year to write your emotions down in this journal. Some days I feel so upset about life and read through my emotions from years ago and see how much progress I've made. It's impactful.

I think I accidentally posted in your first journal. You might want to put a post in there directing people to this one. Tom did that when he wrote here.

Hi! Welcome back. I'm so happy to see you and I was worried you were not well again. Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you moved and I hope this works out. Looking forward to more of your updates. I agree with human connection being a major proponent in quitting games. Having society is very important.

I really felt I conquered my gaming addiction between 6 months and 1 year. My cravings went away and I was able to focus on other things like journaling, climbing, work, and hockey. It's ok to fail. It took me almost 14 years to be able to resist gaming urges etc. That's a long time. I even made it almost 6 months once and relapsed. The relapses just build your anger and determination to quit even more. You got this,

Life is struggle. I think it's good you're seeing a therapist. Never feel bad for unloading on them. They're trained to handle these situations and you shouldn't feel shame about it. Shame is one of the biggest negative emotions humans endure. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to speak to a therapist. Be determined to solve your problems and find a new path for mental clarity. You got this. I think everyone quitting addictions has issues being present and "bored". When people say "be comfortable being bored" I get frustrated because it's giving others the impression that you can just sit there and do nothing and should accept it. Nobody likes being bored. We're humans. We're highly developed. I think we have energy and want to use it in the right ways and feel good about it. I would just start doing a new hobby or two. It's very frustrating starting hobbies since you're going to suck. But try to think of a goal you might have. Is there a song you would love to play on an instrument? I started watching drum solo videos for some reason and then realized I wanted to play the drums. I also loved the freedom of rock climbing and did that. I love the creativity of art, but couldn't find a medium because i suck at drawing and don't do well with painting. 3D art I am very good at though, so I stuck with that and enjoy it. Don't beat yourself up about boredom or your emotions. Maybe you can draw your magic cards? Maybe you can write your own magic lore? Maybe you can read the magic books? I read the Moons of Mirrodin with Glissa and really enjoyed that as a kid.

Sorry to hear about your breakup. That's got to be tough. Also tough to lose your feline friend. Pets never understand why you leave their lives and it can be heartbreaking. Could you get your own cat? What are some activities you've been doing to pass time? I am not fully updated on your diary. I was just wondering what hobbies you may have picked up while quitting or thinking of trying while quitting.

It's nice to finally catch breaks. These breaks actually make all the hard work you're doing in life more impactful. Like, if you just can't catch a break and are trying to quit addictions then you just feel worse. Sometimes when life has less to escape from then you can keep moving on and healing.

Welcome back and congrats on the birth of your child! I hope everything is going well for you and your career is starting to develop somewhat more of a clearer picture in your future. It's nice to finally let go of those old friends and move on and maintain clarity.

@Ikarthings are going well with her. I am trying to be patient. Sometimes I really want to meet or go further, but can't because of the virus. So I have to be patient with 1-2 virtual dates per week and texting each day. I just get excited and want to meet her is all. I feel she's very special. But then again I don't want to put her on such a high pedestal that it's all I think about. So I try to go about my day as normal and not think until I get a message.

Comics are a big trigger for me since most of the females drawn in comics have strong bodies, huge boobs, and a beautiful face. I have to do more boring things lol.

This weekend I hit 112 weeks. I actually had no internet due to a power outage. Sorry for any concern @Bird By Bird but thanks for checking in. I finally got everything restored yesterday. So I'm on vacation for the next 9 days. I have my 4th video date with this girl tomorrow evening. I'm very excited. She's been quite a discovery for me. She is so intuitive and introspective. She asks me all the right questions and just has this passion in her eyes that is so genuine. She speaks from the heart in a logical way and I just find it so attractive. I really hope this continues to go well. I built my drum set over the weekend. It is so awesome. It's very quiet actually. You can barely hear it when I have headphones on. I'm going to start taking some video lessons on YouTube and see how that goes. I think I need to start with body positioning and hand grip methods so I am not wasting energy or straining myself. This might actually be good for my posture lol. But honestly, it felt so nice to hit the drums and relieve stress. I didn't make any good music but it just felt nice to zone out and make sounds. I'm not sure how I want to spend this vacation. I think I want to relax a lot, use my bowflex, play the drums a few times, and maybe get back into some animation projects that I put off. One of the things I'd like to do is be able to practice hobbies and study in the same week and not feel like I need to only study or only have fun. This will be a major test for me. I did as much cleaning as I could this weekend without power. I still have to vacuum. I'll do that today. But I took time to organize things, build things, and hand clean things. I also want to meal prep a bit. I scheduled a few phone calls with friends and family this week. I decided not to see anyone for Christmas. We must do our part not to transmit this virus.

I failed my exam today that I studied for months and waited 2 months for the grade. A passing score would have seen me become a project manager and receive a substantial raise. I'm disappointed. But I want you all to watch what I'm doing. I'm not going to play hours and hours of video games, watch porn, or anything like that to escape my pain. I will sit here and understand my pain to the fullest. This pain I will never forget. Every day when I study for the next exam and don't feel like it I'll remember this pain. How I never want to feel it again. This is my fuel. I will not hide from it. I will harness it and face the world again. I am resilient and unwavered. I accept my loss and pain. I'm allowing myself to be sad. Being sad lets me release my negative emotions in a healthy way. Crying is human release. It's important to grieve now so tomorrow I am stronger. If you face pain in life just remember to never hide.

Thank you. I cleaned my apartment, got food, and am watching fight club. No relapses here from sorrow. Vacation next week.

I failed by exam. I'll do better next time. I knew I failed so it's not a surprise. It's ok.

I look for many things. Some of the key ones are: Genuine: She honestly cares about who you are, what you have to say, and shows interest. She wants to share stories and moments from her life with you and teach you about herself. She doesn't pretend to be someone she is not. Intention: She cares about something and goes after it. Everything she does, whether it's personal or professional goals in life, she does with a purpose and intends to do it well. Communication: She has the knowledge and courage to be able to share her feelings with me. If something is bothering her, she lets me know in a calm and coordinated way where we can reach a solution together. If we're intimate, she can tell me what she wants me to do to enhance our romance. She asks me what I like during intimacy. She doesn't spam me at work and makes sure to coordinate her schedule with me. I want her to ask me how I'm doing and not just talk about herself. I find it very frustrating when a woman only answers a question and doesn't reciprocate or just genuinely ask me what happened in my day or something. I don't like quiet women. I don't like always carrying a conversation. It gets me very angry because it looks like they don't care about our time together. I don't have time to guess what you're thinking. I want open communication. Introverts can still do this. If you say you're an introvert as an excuse for not communicating you're just lazy, selfish, and don't care about me and I'll defend this statement to the day I die. So fuck off if you disagree (not you, amphibian, just anyone who says they can't ask how you're doing if they think they're an introvert. They're just not trying to be a genuine person.) Honesty/Loyalty: I combine these because they're hand-in-hand. I don't want someone pretending to be someone and I don't want her to be cheating on me. This also goes in hand with communication. If I'm doing something boring that is causing her to cheat then just tell me instead of being sly. Also, I want that commitment. I don't want a manipulator who will use me to make her own life better all the time. I want her to make my life better as a couple and we both do well. I don't like selfish women. Passion: They need to have hobbies. It's sexy to see a woman so invested in a hobby like art, sports, music, you name it. When a woman really cares about something you see how much they love it and you want to be a part of that. When I'm with her, I know that if we are intimate together she'll be passionate because she has passions for other things. I find it attractive when a woman is good at something. I admire leadership and talented women. I want to live up to her standards and prove that I'm elite as well and show off for her. I want us both to be confident. Passion is sexy. Character: No quit attitude. Someone who is not pathetic. Someone who doesn't let people take advantage of them. Someone who is patient and empathetic and understands both sides of the story. Someone who has dealt with adversity in life and doesn't crumble under pressure. Someone who is resilient and believes in the right thing. Someone with good morals and won't corrupt anyone or be corrupt or corrupted. A hopeful, optimistic, yet realistic person who knows when a situation is bad that it is ok and we can get through it. Intelligence: I want someone who is a logical thinker. I don't want an aloof person who thinks they're being spontaneous by not having a plan in life. It bothers me. I need emotional intelligence to know how to interact with me and others when we're experiencing a full range of emotions. I need someone who knows how to interact when they are dealing with a full range of emotions. I need sexual intelligence. To understand I'm not super experienced and just being patient and not hurt my feelings. I need physical intelligence where she takes care of her body by eating well, sleeping, exercising, and not doing drugs. Social intelligence. I don't want her being extremely loud in public, being a drunk, trying to be the center of attention at all times, etc. And I'd like her to have that intellectual depth to handle my conversations in life regarding work, love, hobbies, life, etc. And I want her to have those conversations with me. I need full connection there. Responsibility: Someone who knows to pay bills on time, to save money, to do her work, to help me do housework, bathes normally, eats at normal times, shares my stress load and shares her stress with me equally, accountable for her words and actions in our relationship and in life. If she says something and then goes back on it to get out of being responsible, she's an asshole. I don't want that. I want someone I can be proud of an count on in life. Humor: She needs to be funny or at least understand my humor. If she doesn't get my jokes then it's not going to work. Voice: I don't want her to have an extremely loud voice. It bothers me in public. I just want a normal voice level. I also don't want her talking with an upward inflection at the end of every sentence to make it sound like she's asking a question at all times. It really bothers me. Just talk normally. Jesus Christ. Listener: Listens to others and is not stubborn. I don't mind if they're a leader type, but leaders still have advisers. I want someone who will take my criticism fairly and take my compliments fairly. I would like her to listen to me as much as I listen to her with all good and bad problems in life.

This weekend I'm 111 weeks free from gaming addiction. My friend came over yesterday and we built my workout machine for a few hours. I then went to pick up my drum set and assemble it. I'm really excited to try these out and be more physical after work. I was tired while building the machines yesterday and realize my stamina is not so good. The conversation with this girl was been going very well. I'm enjoying getting to know her and talking to her. We have a third date planned for Wednesday night. I'm going to ask if she'd be interested in planning an in-person, quarantined date kind of thing in 2 weeks. Even though that's around Christmas time so she might be seeing family. I'll have to see what makes sense for health safety. You never know who people see on holidays and although she believes in quarantining, her family may not. I'm going to try working out 3 days per week with simple full body routines for the next few months. I want to get back in slowly and not pull a muscle or something. I might also order whey protein again, but not yet. I want to see how my schedule goes. I also want to plan some time for drum lessons. I won't overwhelm myself with this. I think it will be smart to do like 1-2 lessons per week and just mess around the rest of the time. I want to learn from my experience of overwhelming myself with 3d modeling. I get my exam results back this week after 8 long weeks. At least we were told to anticipate results back this week. I'm remaining optimistic and hopeful for a passing score. If I failed then I will know how to study next time and be more prepared. I'd start studying in end of January and go slower. If I pass, it will be a complete dream come true. I will have achieved a great personal and professional goal of mine and have some more time for things I enjoy. It will allow me to grow as a professional in countless ways so I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully it's a passing grade. I was thinking of doing an hour or two of 3d modeling per week once I start exercising again. It will be nice to have some balance with hobbies. Right now, I just don't feel motivated to sit in front of the computer and animate after working 8-12 hours. I need to move around.

I gotta work late today to get my project done. But I'm determined. I'm a little worried about the dating situation. She's still talking to me and said she's excited for our date Thursday, but she uploaded 3 new dating photos to her profile and they're very pretty. It makes me think she's trying to find something better. I won't let it phase me. I still use the app and read people. She could have done it for my attention as well. I'm just going to focus on work.

Thanks guys. I'm just gonna face tomorrow, do my morning routine, and do it.

I'll be honest, I don't think those feelings will ever go away. I sometimes feel like the main character in that movie struggling in the apartment and becoming paranoid and then confident and repeating. Sometimes the virus makes me feel comfortable because the world is smaller.