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Daily Journal - Rick

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Posted

Big update.

I'm back to journaling once a week to maintain what i have going now. I cleared up a lot of chaos lately. I organised my week, my every day. I have written down all my ideas, projects and courses i want to take in 1 easy list.

The thing that brought me back here is this: throughout this winter i had several resets, relapses, depressions and difficulty with managing my time. Basically: how i want to live my life, and have my focus and time at the right area's. There is still something left in me that makes me hunger for a game. 

So i decided that although i don't mind struggling, what i experienced this winter is just not what i want and how i want it the rest of my life. An idea was send to me from somewhere and it became clear to me i need to have some time off of my laptop. I remembered how well i did after a detox years ago. i hadnt gamed for 8 weeks and i was just so clear in my mind when i came home. Of course i hadn't changed my environment back then so i got off track. But now i have done so much more and i really evolved if i compare then to now. I sat down my basically my 1 only very good friend and i asked him only 1 thing: can i store my laptop with you for 4 weeks? he of course said yes, he was quite surprised and happy that i asked him for help.

We came up with a plan, that i would have my laptop for 1 day. For all the important stuff that i can pile up through the week. I am so thrilled because this is entirely my decision and i believe so strongly that it's going to work out well. Mostly because i have such big ambitions for myself, and now i can really focus on them. Spend all my time and energy on it while still having balance with relaxing etc. 

I have planned out the 4 weeks how i probably will be going to feel, and that will strengthen me, because i am in control.

What will be different after 4 weeks? I will have completed respawn one more time. And now really serious. The first time i did it i did not took everything seriously. Maybe 50%. Also i will have spend time at for example writing. I will be exercising. I will have planned how often i'm going to take initiative to meet family, friends. My sleep will rock. I cook every 2 days 1 meal for 2 days (already do, will only be better). 

And the more serious mentally effects i expect (because i once had them before after another detox) is that i can speak my mind. Not holding back, be sensitive. Communicate in an awesome manner.

So yeah.. that's my agenda ;)

Every monday you'll see my journal update.

 

Greetz,

Rick

PS: Rock on

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Posted

Welcome back. It's cool to see people who've been down the road already take time reflect and decide to return.

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Posted

A week has gone by. The results are extreme. In that they are not. I don't feel very different but the outcome of my actions is drastically improved.

  • I used to sink away in passive behavior when i felt tired, and i end up gaming or watching youtube. Now i work on my puzzle, i'll walk or i read.
  • I wasnt happy at the end of the day because i always felt and sometimes still do that i could have done more. I'm slowly leaving that mindset behind.
  • I can actually follow up my ideas and word/promises. It's great to know that people trust you and i can improve this even more by becoming a beast with time. I really do this for myself because it takes so much mind space otherwise, always running after each appointment and assignment. 

These last 2 days i also felt empty. I realized i havent going on much that i really care about. I want to meet more people because friday and saturday evenings are just plain lonely. On that i'm taking action.

Upcoming week i'll probably will feel worse. But that's okay. 

 

Rick

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Posted

Another week. Yet again no peaks in mood or behaviour. I'm feeling at my best. I'm actually a little bit confused that i don't have any frustration or irritation. I'm not angry, or sad. In every other detox (yet none like this one, abstaining completely from my laptop) i had those phases of sadness, then anger, then frustration, then resignation or i relapsed. I might do something right this time. 

Some lessons i learned along the way i have been here on the forum and following Cam's yt videos is to live and plan with intention. And while i reflect i can say that is truly what i do now. 

Something i also recognize is that i have each day a moment of insight about something. It's really fun and interesting, i had a whole conversation about it with my mental coach. 

Let's wrap up;

  1. i started with respawn (again like i said). I'm now halfway. I realized i have almost no social activities and i need 1 or 2 good ones for when i'm bored and then i'm all set to replace the empty hours my passivity left behind.
  2. each day i'm thinking about follow-ups to ideas and things i really wanna do. It takes time for most of those but eventually i'll get there.

That's it. See ya next week.

Rick

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Posted

I'm going into the fourth week. The last 7 days where an average of an average week. Lot's of empty time in almost every day. I realize a bit more what 'Doubling down' means, or what Cam meant with it in that particular video. Where i first used every habit and structure, every plan and idea to get out of my funk, my messed up brain related to gaming i now have to see those things as a means to build, to find out what i want. otherwise i'll just end up at square 1. I do have some exciting stuff planned like applying as a volunteer for the red cross. That means i get a basic first aid training. Something i want for a while now. 

I also finished respawn except the last lesson and it's like i'm reading it all for the first time and i get the reasoning behind every step and action so much better now. I'm in a hurry so i can't tell much more, but i do want to do a big update next week, so i can fall back on that in times of need. And i have done 4 weeks of abstaining then so it's time to reflect. I am convinced however i need a bit more time before i completely go back to acces to my laptop all days. I'm thinking about stretching the 1 day to 2 days and so forth. Much better to do it step by step then from 1 extreme to the other.

I'll catch you over next week.

Rick

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Posted

No update this week. I'm thinking about a way to be more informative. I want to add to the community but my ego is also claiming space, i'm comparing to others and that's not a good sign so i'll think on that for a week. Any suggestions how i can keep close to myself but also be (sarcasm incoming) the inspiring demon defeating example of a perfect knight. 

It's just stupid. I've got this vision of myself in the (near) future, i learn for that future now and i'm happy with that. But i see other people shine and i want to be them sometimes. Why is that? i'm doing pretty well myself. Any advice welcome.

Greetz,

Rick

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Posted

I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.

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Posted

I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.

What triggered you to play again?

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I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.

What triggered you to play again?

Can't deny myself the pleasure of playing anymore. I had a 7 weeks score of detox but i never felt happy. Either gloomy or flat. En these last 2 weeks have been a blast in peaks of cheerfulness. Although it has broke my ability to function. I may have screwed my work (not paid, but more then just voluntary) and 2 people around me say they experienced me better in my detox then now. I had a long talk with my mentalh coach yesterday. I said it took so long to see result of anything, in the detox i felt so very frequently tired and had to take a nap. And.. i'm just comparing now.. but deep down i know i have to abstain again, make the right decision because i can't live like this either. but i don't know.

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Posted

What's your exercise regime like?

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Posted (edited)

non-existant. A trail lesson at the nearest mma school is coming up and i'm going to swim together with a friend once a week, we havent started that yet because the outdoors pool is not open until the end of may. 

EDIT: i occasionally play soccer and we have sports activities with the group every week, wednesday

EDIT: Lol i'm youtubing, the next vid https://youtu.be/oyGB-qcm-fg shows up in my recommended feed and around the first mark i hear exactly what is happened to me right now.

Edited by Ironfly

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Posted

I'm reading through the journals and i see i'm not the only one who is jojo-ing. I can observe 2 reasons for myself; i'm trying to do perfect, and i can maintain that streak for a period of time but if i don't maintain it's right into hell again (so to speak). and 2, im maybe not giving a 100%. And when i say that i can say that my intention is to go the whole way but i am not changing everything. I'm not applying everything. 

This last week has been very interesting because i do have made progress. I'm not in this whole "everything has to be perfect" mindset but i can say that i hit rockbottom again. How to not restart, but continue? 

I don't know exactly but i have a sheet of paper where i will write stuff down to make me consciously. I will hang this paper above my laptop. I'll write things on it like "REWIRE YOUR BRAIN" etc. I have thought about this. And i just finished a project that i have been procrastinating on for freaking 3 years now. And i wann add: it took me a total of like 3 or 4 hours to do it. So i'm just laughing here in myself, wth have i been doing for 3 years?! ^^. 

So ye. Maybe it isn't all that bad, and maybe i am not starting again from zero. Maybe i'm halfway and i actually have something to lose now. And i can't grasp that yet.

Time will teach me..

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