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Now that you guys have shown me how to use the journal board, here goes-the right way.

 I just spent many weeks in my accursed SWTOR.  Every morning I am determined not to fall into the old patterns but every day sees 10 to 12 hours of play.

this must end or I’m gonna lose the house.

 I have work- I just have to set my mind to it.

My intent here is to hold myself accountable, because there is no person in my real life to do this with.

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OK, one thing is for sure:  WEEKEND GAMING ENDS UP EATING THE WEEK TOO.

I need to call my client.

I don't want to because his stuff is VERY VERY LATE.

This is directly because of gaming.

The only thing I can liken this feeling to is abject fear, like when you are on the first incline of a roller coaster.  The anticipation of talking to the client is making my heart stop.  

SWTOR, which I had installed on an external SSD, is unplugged and away from my computer.  I had to go to the eye doctor this morning, but now I am here and my mind is deflecting in every way possible.  Youtube, Deviantart, Bitchute.  

I need to power through. There is no choice anymore.  I am at the precipice. It's fly or fall.  There is no more hiding.

NO.  MORE. HIDING.

On the plus side, I updated my cheapy quickbooks-ish program I made for my business.  I now have the ability to add recurring tasks (before I only had one-shot to-do items).  That's working out great.  One of my problems is that with gaming, tasks tend to pile up, and once there are 30 or more things, my memory shuts down and forgets them all.

Also, I called my Dad and my older daughter this morning while waiting at the doctor.  This is a victory, as I tend to isolate when the depression kicks in, which only makes matters worse.

 

EZB.JPG

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I like that you're sticking to one diary now. Gaming on weekends crushes your energy going into the next week. I used to only game Friday through Sunday before quitting and I'd probably play 16 hours a day and be exhausted til Wednesday. 

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I used to also do weekend gaming but it is the worst strategy(for me, maybe for you). My advice: never game in moderation, you will want one more hour after your first hour and so on until you relapse.

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Shit. It's happening.

Unexpected bills.  Unpaid Taxes.  This is where gaming has taken me.

I am looking at cashing in my retirement (which took a dump in 2008 and never recovered, so there's only old twinkie wrappers in there), or borrowing from my own daughter.  In NEITHER CASE do I look forward to sharing this new HELL with my wife.

But I MUST.

This is all on ME, and ME alone.

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OK, unplugged the SSD yesterday and managed to focus.  Called the client.  Talked to the wife about the bills.  Came up with a little financial hack to extend some of the debt.

Then I worked a billable 6 hours.  Overall that's a big win.  I worked until I was tired.  I wish I could remember that feeling of accomplishment the next time I log into SWTOR "just to set up my crafting".  It's never just a 15 minute session.  it always goes all day.

Thankfully my SWTOR subscription has lapsed, I got the email yesterday.  That means the game I already admit is just marginally fun is about 65% less fun now.  With money troubles, I can't see ever spending on the game again.  

I would just uninstall but I have tried that SO MANY TIMES.  

Anyway.  Not here to beat myself up more, I had a GREAT DAY yesterday.  A year of yesterdays and I could be on track.  I feel like like when a cliff climber gets out of a sticky spot and drives the next piton home.  

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Stay strong and keep journaling your thoughts here. When we're stressed we trigger a queuing process of turning towards bad habits to deal with stress. I've written in my blog 10 times in 1 day before. Look how many comments are in it. Most are me complaining. It helps to lean on your thoughts rather than a game that's just gonna hurt you. 

Keep writing. 

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I did it.  Uninstalled the game.  It's just not worth playing without a subscription.

I turned my guild over to a random guildie so even if I went back I would not have that.

I just can't shake this emptiness.  

Was talking to my wife earlier.  Of course she does not get it.  I hate this feeling of WANTING to quit, KNOWING it's the worst thing for me, yet CRAVING it - even though I know it comes packaged with defeat and self-loathing.

It seems to me like if my own mind wants to quit, then that should be the end of it.  Why is that not so?  

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1 hour ago, Some Yahoo said:

I did it.  Uninstalled the game.  It's just not worth playing without a subscription.

I turned my guild over to a random guildie so even if I went back I would not have that.

I just can't shake this emptiness.  

Was talking to my wife earlier.  Of course she does not get it.  I hate this feeling of WANTING to quit, KNOWING it's the worst thing for me, yet CRAVING it - even though I know it comes packaged with defeat and self-loathing.

It seems to me like if my own mind wants to quit, then that should be the end of it.  Why is that not so?  

I did the same thing when I quit runescape. I gave my clan away. It helps. 

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OH MY GOD

I have not posted in the last 3 days, because I have been... what's the word?... WORKING.  Today I release a software package I had been putting off for months

You know what's better than racking up a million fake game credits you can't pay the bills with?  EARNING ACTUAL MONEY AND MAKING CLIENTS HAPPY.  Anyhow, Zoom call to to, and hopefully I got this most of the way there. 

For those of you who don't code, a programmer works from a set of requirements, but the delivered software ALWAYS has some nuance that the programmer didn't get quite perfect, or that the client didn't think of during the specification phase.  It means that they always have notes of changes that need to be made from the first try.  When I was new, it was frustrating because I felt like I had done everything they asked, but now they wanted changes.  This is also why I NEVER NEVER quote a fixed price for software development.  Clients think they are buying a package, and have no qualms about CONTINUALLY ASKING FOR CHANGES for no additional money.  I learned this the hardest of all possible ways.  You end up 14 months later working all nighters for free.  Not tenable.  Not even nineable.

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