New phone new year new journal

[Some Yahoo]

Now that you guys have shown me how to use the journal board, here goes-the right way.

 I just spent many weeks in my accursed SWTOR.  Every morning I am determined not to fall into the old patterns but every day sees 10 to 12 hours of play.

this must end or I’m gonna lose the house.

 I have work- I just have to set my mind to it.

My intent here is to hold myself accountable, because there is no person in my real life to do this with.

[Bugg]

Good luck! We are all here to hold each other accountable. You got this! 

[Some Yahoo]

OK, one thing is for sure:  WEEKEND GAMING ENDS UP EATING THE WEEK TOO.

I need to call my client.

I don't want to because his stuff is VERY VERY LATE.

This is directly because of gaming.

The only thing I can liken this feeling to is abject fear, like when you are on the first incline of a roller coaster.  The anticipation of talking to the client is making my heart stop.  

SWTOR, which I had installed on an external SSD, is unplugged and away from my computer.  I had to go to the eye doctor this morning, but now I am here and my mind is deflecting in every way possible.  Youtube, Deviantart, Bitchute.  

I need to power through. There is no choice anymore.  I am at the precipice. It's fly or fall.  There is no more hiding.

NO.  MORE. HIDING.

On the plus side, I updated my cheapy quickbooks-ish program I made for my business.  I now have the ability to add recurring tasks (before I only had one-shot to-do items).  That's working out great.  One of my problems is that with gaming, tasks tend to pile up, and once there are 30 or more things, my memory shuts down and forgets them all.

Also, I called my Dad and my older daughter this morning while waiting at the doctor.  This is a victory, as I tend to isolate when the depression kicks in, which only makes matters worse.

 

[BooksandTrees]

I like that you're sticking to one diary now. Gaming on weekends crushes your energy going into the next week. I used to only game Friday through Sunday before quitting and I'd probably play 16 hours a day and be exhausted til Wednesday. 

[hemonkey]

I used to also do weekend gaming but it is the worst strategy(for me, maybe for you). My advice: never game in moderation, you will want one more hour after your first hour and so on until you relapse.

[Some Yahoo]

Shit. It's happening.

Unexpected bills.  Unpaid Taxes.  This is where gaming has taken me.

I am looking at cashing in my retirement (which took a dump in 2008 and never recovered, so there's only old twinkie wrappers in there), or borrowing from my own daughter.  In NEITHER CASE do I look forward to sharing this new HELL with my wife.

But I MUST.

This is all on ME, and ME alone.

[Some Yahoo]

OK, unplugged the SSD yesterday and managed to focus.  Called the client.  Talked to the wife about the bills.  Came up with a little financial hack to extend some of the debt.

Then I worked a billable 6 hours.  Overall that's a big win.  I worked until I was tired.  I wish I could remember that feeling of accomplishment the next time I log into SWTOR "just to set up my crafting".  It's never just a 15 minute session.  it always goes all day.

Thankfully my SWTOR subscription has lapsed, I got the email yesterday.  That means the game I already admit is just marginally fun is about 65% less fun now.  With money troubles, I can't see ever spending on the game again.  

I would just uninstall but I have tried that SO MANY TIMES.  

Anyway.  Not here to beat myself up more, I had a GREAT DAY yesterday.  A year of yesterdays and I could be on track.  I feel like like when a cliff climber gets out of a sticky spot and drives the next piton home.  

[BooksandTrees]

Stay strong and keep journaling your thoughts here. When we're stressed we trigger a queuing process of turning towards bad habits to deal with stress. I've written in my blog 10 times in 1 day before. Look how many comments are in it. Most are me complaining. It helps to lean on your thoughts rather than a game that's just gonna hurt you. 

Keep writing. 

[Some Yahoo]

I did it.  Uninstalled the game.  It's just not worth playing without a subscription.

I turned my guild over to a random guildie so even if I went back I would not have that.

I just can't shake this emptiness.  

Was talking to my wife earlier.  Of course she does not get it.  I hate this feeling of WANTING to quit, KNOWING it's the worst thing for me, yet CRAVING it - even though I know it comes packaged with defeat and self-loathing.

It seems to me like if my own mind wants to quit, then that should be the end of it.  Why is that not so?  

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Some Yahoo said:

I did it.  Uninstalled the game.  It's just not worth playing without a subscription.

I turned my guild over to a random guildie so even if I went back I would not have that.

I just can't shake this emptiness.  

Was talking to my wife earlier.  Of course she does not get it.  I hate this feeling of WANTING to quit, KNOWING it's the worst thing for me, yet CRAVING it - even though I know it comes packaged with defeat and self-loathing.

It seems to me like if my own mind wants to quit, then that should be the end of it.  Why is that not so?  

I did the same thing when I quit runescape. I gave my clan away. It helps. 

[Some Yahoo]

OH MY GOD

I have not posted in the last 3 days, because I have been... what's the word?... WORKING.  Today I release a software package I had been putting off for months. 

You know what's better than racking up a million fake game credits you can't pay the bills with?  EARNING ACTUAL MONEY AND MAKING CLIENTS HAPPY.  Anyhow, Zoom call to to, and hopefully I got this most of the way there. 

For those of you who don't code, a programmer works from a set of requirements, but the delivered software ALWAYS has some nuance that the programmer didn't get quite perfect, or that the client didn't think of during the specification phase.  It means that they always have notes of changes that need to be made from the first try.  When I was new, it was frustrating because I felt like I had done everything they asked, but now they wanted changes.  This is also why I NEVER NEVER quote a fixed price for software development.  Clients think they are buying a package, and have no qualms about CONTINUALLY ASKING FOR CHANGES for no additional money.  I learned this the hardest of all possible ways.  You end up 14 months later working all nighters for free.  Not tenable.  Not even nineable.

[BooksandTrees]

Keep it up!

[Some Yahoo]

Giving away my guild on SWTOR mixed with the limitations of "preferred" to "subscribed" has done the trick.  Damn dopamine has me drifting toward the game again, but those limitations have kept me from re-installing.

I loaded Eve Online last week, but uninstalled again last night, as the game is very boring.  You mine, mine, mine, get ganked, start over.  People spend every waking moment in that game, even though it's largely sitting around waiting, or working to gank people - in other words being a festering dick.  

The problem is this:  The life I have constructed for myself outside of gaming is sad, and devoid of any hope that things will ever get better.  Not blaming anyone but myself for this.  I feel sometimes that my life has been a waste of natural resources.  Therefore I am going to make a list of things I have done that I feel were worthwhile.

• Raised 2 kids into adults.  They are amazing people.
• Created a TON of software.
• Kept my family going from 1984 to now without losing everything (that's 36 years).
• Paid off my house.
• Led and taught other programmers the trade.
• Visited the Grand Canyon (it's a hundred times more impressive than the pictures and videos).

This is a short list for a 59 year old man, to be sure.  But if life is like a garden, you can't just leave it untended for 30+ years and expect it to bear fruit.  The trick now is to get back the motivation to work on it - to pick up the abandoned life I had at age 29 and try to engage with it again.  I'm telling you - at age 59 that's a lot of energy to bring to bear.  

I know, it's that or fade into poverty and obscurity.  Becoming nothing.  At least I am sane enough to realize what is at stake here.  I just don't know if I can maintain the energy level I need to get this plane in the air again.

Look guys: when I come here I try to be upbeat as possible, and not drag you all down into the mire.  But this is real.  Yes, there is a lot to live and strive for.  You guys in your 20's and 30's need optimism and hope to re-enter your real life.  But there is a flipside as well.  It's this.  It's what your life can and will become if you keep gaming.  You not only need motivation to walk toward your better self, you also need a healthy fear of what you will become if you don't.

God bless you all, I hope anything I say here makes a little difference in your lives.

 

[Bugg]

Dude you're doing so well. Reading over your posts and you've made so much progress already, it's awesome! Sorry to hear about the money troubles but I'm glad you're getting on top of them now 🙂 
 

27 minutes ago, Some Yahoo said:

I feel sometimes that my life has been a waste of natural resources.

 

I often feel like this too - but you didn't ask to be put here so you can't completely blame yourself. Even in feeling like you could have done better by now; I feel like you're doing your best (even on our worst days we are often still trying our best in that moment, right?) I think your list of achievements looks great, just raising kids that turn out well is a massive achievement! And you know what else is amazing? You're making an effort to improve things for yourself - not many people even bother.

Thank you for your words of encouragement from the opposite side of motivation. Fear is such a good way to build momentum - I know I fear for my own future and I'm already 30 now. It can be a cruel world, but it only gets worse when we bury our heads in the sand 😕

[Some Yahoo]

8 minutes ago, Bugg said:

you didn't ask to be put here so you can't completely blame yourself.

There is a flipside to blaming myself.  Seeing myself as the source of the problem means that I am also the source of the fix.  I tend to wallow in a state of victimhood, feeling like someone did this to me.  It's partly true, games are designed to consume as much of our time as they can.  But I have no control over how games are designed.  For me, blaming myself is a key to unlock the jail.

So I appreciate you trying to lighten the guilt over what I did to my family, my future, and my friends, but I need to own this or I will lose the power to change it.

[Some Yahoo]

Some things I am trying to integrate into my cognitive reality.

• Life is not what happens to you, it's something you build with your own drive and purpose.
• Life is hard. If it was easy, we'd all be lazy, and no one would be particularly successful.
  • The universe is a dead place.
  • Each life violently rips a hole in the omnipresent death, one that we must scratch and claw to hold open.  
  • Fucking up death and decay is where victory and happiness ultimately come from.
• There is no feeling better than victory. 
• Overcoming hard obstacles is what humans were created for.
• Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will satisfy a human being more than a hard-won triumph.
• Many people never discover this, and live for tiny, momentary pleasures and hedonism.  These people can never be happy, they just paper over the emptiness.
• Politics and social media only make me feel more helpless, impotent, and out of control.  If I walk away, I won't miss them.
• Youtube, Netflix, Gab, Bitchute, and Deviantart exist to waste our time.
• I should track my productivity each day.  Not to hammer myself, but to help me realize what I can accomplish in a single hour, a single day.

Edited January 31, 2021 by Some Yahoo

[Some Yahoo]

fyi, yesterday I made this:

 

[Some Yahoo]

I worked today.  It was hard and frustrating and I didn't solve the problems I had hoped to.

But I didn't game.  It was hard.  But I did it.

[Some Yahoo]

Spent a week in DCUO.  Stupid brain.

[Some Yahoo]

So let me tell you what happened to me after I uninstalled DCUO. 

When I say "you", I mean the Some Yahoo of the future who FORGOT how awful this was.

• I began to sleep 12 hours a night, and missed a lot of work.
• I absolutely COULD NOT stay awake or focus on my work.
• I have an afternoon's work and I just can't make myself DO it.

On the bright side, quitting the game (again) lets me wake up with a small pilot light of hope.

The dumb thing about DCUO is that I don't actually like the game that much.

*sigh*

Also on the upside, I am making a web site to help myself write books.

Let me know if you're interested in that (nowhere near ready for release yet)

 

 

 

 

 

[Some Yahoo]

Made this last night.

the office, mug, steam, and phone are by me.  the rest is downloaded.

It's called "Coffee"

[Some Yahoo]

Thank you, me for your April 7 post.  I just literally heard my own face say, I need a game, I need a game.  

But I came here instead.  It could have ended very differently.  I have recently been burned by relapsing into Tera.  My other go-to, SWTOR is so insanely frustrating when you're not a subscriber that it's kinda not that tempting anymore.

Why did I give up on Tera?  Let me tell you this, oh future-er me.  They nerfed the game so you can level to max in like a week.  Then its a massive endless grind for end game gear.  Three hours of frustration might yield a +2 item.  it's so not worth it.

Same for DCUO, except you can max in like 2 days (max is 30) then endless co-op missions with these guys who only want to play if everyone is maxxed, and if there is one wipe they bail.  

Then there was Eve Online.  This game would be fun if I spent money on it, because the higher level skill tree is where the money is.  You want big ships?  Want to craft amazing ships and gear?  You gotta pay.  And since I am a gamequitter, my debit card is where I draw the line these days.

None of this should be read as endorsements of any of these games, in fact they are full-on arguments why none of these games are satisfying.  

 

Edited April 17, 2021 by Some Yahoo

[Some Yahoo]

This is my cringey sketch I based the render on.

[Jason70]

Hey! 
 

Glad you resisted urges and reminded yourself of your "why". I find that's important for anyone trying to quit. -- no matter the addiction. Also I agree. This community is amazing. Like you I also felt the need to play just one more game but when I came here the stories of success and the feedback reminded me of why i was doing this. I see it will be beneficial for you in the future for putting out why those games aren't satisfying. So good work! Also that drawing is really nice.

Best 

Jason

[Some Yahoo]

On 4/16/2021 at 7:14 PM, Jason70 said:

Hey! 
 

Glad you resisted urges and reminded yourself of your "why". I find that's important for anyone trying to quit. -- no matter the addiction. Also I agree. This community is amazing. Like you I also felt the need to play just one more game but when I came here the stories of success and the feedback reminded me of why i was doing this. I see it will be beneficial for you in the future for putting out why those games aren't satisfying. So good work! Also that drawing is really nice.

Best 

Jason

Thanks Jason, my drawing skills are improving thanks to some classes I'm taking on Skillshare.  For years I had about a 3rd grade skill level at drawing, but I think I am up somewhere around 4th or 5th now.  Still getting used to drawing on my laptop though, and I think I have been using entirely too low resolution.  Next image will be 4x this resolution.  

I find that I balk at authority - because, HEY I'm American - even my own better angels.  My typical relapse looks like this:

Me: Damn I miss gaming.

Angel: You know better than this...

Me: (starts the download)  yeah I'm just a little nostalgic for the graphics. I'll be fine.

Angel: Bullshit!  This is why you FAIL!

Me: Yeah but it's so fun. (begins the install)

Angel: Look you idiot.  I'm YOU.  I'm you from months ago when you swore gaming off, and I'm you from 6 weeks from now when you will realize the destruction you are about to wreak on your mind.  Please.  I'm not your boss, or your mommy, I'm LITERALLY YOU.

Me: Yeah, but nostalgia...