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Please someone help me.


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Its 3:30am. My back hurts, my hand is cramping. I have dishes stacked next to me on my desk. Post it notes everywhere of things I've needed to do but didn't. 

My name is Philip and I'm 24 years old. I'm sick and tired of what I'm doing to myself. 

I need help. I can't do this myself. I've tried so many times, but I just keep downloading... and downloading... and downloading...
My life has been buffering since 2010 and I just.. I can't do it anymore. 

Its time to say it all. Everything I've been avoiding. Everything I've been shoving in my closet and slamming the door behind me. 

I started gaming to avoid my dads rage in 2010. I continued gaming because I felt like I couldn't leave my friends online...ever. 
I thought I could escape in college, but my first ever Cs.. then Ds, I started gaming again. I couldn't do it. I studied so hard for so little and it felt more worth it to go level up some more. 
I abandoned my friends, my family, my school... I gamed. I failed out of college. I got scared and joined the military.

I came back and thought I could start a new life, but people convinced me to try again. So I re-enrolled, but I wasn't ready to try again. So I gamed. 
And I told NO ONE. My grades slipped, my first Fs.. And I told NO ONE. I failed 2 semesters in a row... I told NO ONE. My dad still believes I'm making As, that I'm 1 class from my associates. I couldn't tell him. I keep enrolling every semester, wasting my military benefits to keep him happy... "Its just long enough to keep him happy while I get a job and move out" I still tell myself. 6 months now of constant employment rejections. 
More Fs this semester... I've told..no one. 

I can't tell my girlfriend. What would she think? She's with someone going nowhere. 
I can't tell my dad. He'd kick me out in a heartbeat. Lying to him has always been a death sentence. 
I can't even tell my friends. The only words they know are r.i.p. and p.o.g. Not an ounce of maturity in any one of them. 

I can't take it anymore. I can't. I've delivered myself nothing. Set myself up with nothing. Years of just nothing. Sitting here, gaining weight and wasting away. 

For the first time in my life I had a fleeting thought of suicide, but I know that should not be my answer.

I want to be a fighter. I want to look my past in the face and say "You're not the man I choose to be."

Please help me. I don't know how to do this on my own. I'm frightened of anyone who knows me, actually knowing how my life turned out. 

Please... someone. Anyone. If you've read this far, please guide me. I don't know where to begin. 

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I am extremely grateful for your vulnerability. 

I can tell you for sure you are in the right place. A lot of us here have gone through something similar and we have all overcome. 

I am certain you can too. 

This forum is a safe place to relate your troubles. 

As for advice, the journey to recovery starts with you. Start with what you say you want to do. 

Look your past self in the face and say "You are not who I want to be."

Then from there, define specific goals as to where you want to be in the future. What you want as a career, even where you want to be with your relationships. 

Here are some other tips I can give:

1) Since you are wanting to stop gaming, I would detach from your current "friend group" and make some friends in real life who don't game. The friends you have made online are not really friends and like you said, have no maturity due to being stuck in an adolescent mindset and like you once were, are escaping from something whether it be responsibilities or a painful situation or circumstance. 

2) I know it might sound hard, but I would advise coming clean with your dad. It is better to come clean and ask for help than to allow the lie continue growing and try to deal with things yourself. I only managed to get my life to where it should be when I became honest with my parents, my friends from church, and myself about what gaming had done to myself and my life. Trust me. I also had to face my mom's wrath about lying, but it was better going through the pain from that and getting her support in my recovery process than trying to hide it and struggle on my own. In the end, she appreciated my honesty and I am certain your dad will feel the same way after his wrath has faded and will fully support you in your recovery especially if you make it clear you are wanting to turn your life around. 

3) Start a journal in the Daily Journals section of the forum. It is a good way to keep track of your progress in the 90 day detox and to help document your feelings and emotions during recovery as those will come and mess with you in the beginning stages. 

4) Start with a 90 day detox. It is a good goal to have. For me it started as 90 days, but then it became forever because I found I could live without games. It just took time to get there. 

Feel free to reach out to people on the forum and don't forget. We are all walking the same journey and we are all here to support each other. 

You can do it! :D 

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I'm honestly tripping on my words when I say thank you so much. 

I've been trying to do everything at once and all it does is lead to burnout and relapse and I think structure is what I need for sure. 

For sure I can give that daily journal a shot. Hopefully that can at least keep me focused on whats next. 

Honestly, being 100% transparent here, some of those tips seem next to impossible but I will give it my all. Giving up friends of 8 years or more seems like something I can't do but I know for sure I can manage it. I've begun distancing myself from half of them so far, usually just telling them I'm "not really feeling it tonight." I feel as though thats a good a start as any right? There are 2 or 3 that I still talk to on discord but I guess maybe its time to be upfront and honest with them. Maybe if they can support me on this, it might not feel so bad a blow? I'm sure ill find out today or tomorrow. 

As far as the dad thing goes,... man I'm just trying to wrap my head around that. You're absolutely right, I'm dying inside when I lie to him like that, but I know he'd be understanding if I just showed him I'm ready to commit to changing. Thats most of the reason why I've been hard pressed into looking for a job. Maybe if he sees progress into doing something with my life, he won't be as disappointed, heck maybe he'll even help me out further in my career, who knows. 

Even today, basically the start of my day 1, I'm feeling the urge to just throw down an all nighter with the boys again. 

I'm not sure whether to slowly cut down my hours on gaming until its basically none by the end of the week, or just cold turkey it. 

Any ways, at the very least, I'll get started on the journal and maybe something will come of it today!

At the very least I can say, thank you for getting me started. Maybe you'll be seeing me with some good news a few months from now. 

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Second the daily journal, thanks for starting it already! It is not super helpful on its own, but it is the seed from which a lot of much more beneficial things will grow from. Keep it up!

I recommend to watch and read more about why one should quit gaming. There is plenty of books, videos, and articles that will help you understand why you play games and why/how you should quit them. Watching one video of @James Goodper day over the last week has helped me a great deal. 

About poor grades: I do not know how strong the relationship with you and your gf is, but I recommend telling. Acknowledging your failures is the first step towards overcoming them. In my case, revealing my weaknesses to my gf had two profound effects: 

1. My commitment towards changing and improving increased by a lot. By acknowledging it to her I kind of vowed myself to get better, and began to treat my issues more seriously rather than brushing them off.

2. Our relationship improved sooo much, as she began helping me change/improve, and also opened up about her own issues. We started committing stronger to the relationship and caring more about each other.

    I recommend you think about talking to your gf on your own, because every relationship is unique. But, I don't think you will be "going nowhere" if you tell her. By being vulnerable like that you show that you trust and value her, and that you want to improve. 

Hey @BooksandTrees, @TheNewMe2.0, would you have anything to say here? Thank you!

Cheers,

Po

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Hi,

I'm over 2 years free from my gaming addiction. Here is my story. I think reading it might help you: 

 

 

And here is a long post about how to quit games properly and make it that I wrote at my 500 day mark:

It's a little late for me to type a large response so I can't at the moment, but I think they might be of help to you. I was in a similar situation. You need to get to the center of what you're avoiding in life and I think therapy will help. You're holding onto a lot of shame and surrounded by fake friends. If your father and girlfriend love you then they will understand as long as you're honest with them.

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Thank you so much @BooksandTrees
I'm at a loss for words on how relate-able everything you noted within your entry was. 

A large response isn't necessary, what you've provided me has me understanding so much more how deep I feel I am, and what I need to start getting a hold of within my own thoughts. 

I miss my life. My life out there. Just being with people, socializing, competing.. Just dominating life. 

Today has given me lots of insight into what exactly I've been hiding from, what I feel I'm attached to, and what I may need to do to finally say enough. 

I'm so thankful for you and the people like you here actually giving your stories, letting me find a home that I can feel safe to finally tell the truth after years and years of lying to both myself and everyone around me. 

I feel so driven by your words to keep pursuing my life of freedom. 

I know where my beginning is now. Before I go to bed, I'm going to write down my biggest lies I've been telling myself. I need to see them. I need to understand what I'm hiding from in order to understand how to conquer it. 

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. 

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Books has been at this a long time. They know things. It's a journey, and things don't change immediately, but just recognising that it's a problem and taking steps is a tremendously empowering thing. I'm in a very similar position to you, with grades slipping, the military element, and so on; and it's a theme I've seen with a few of us floating about here. Had a similar post in my journal, with all the lies I'd been telling folks to hide it from them and myself.

It took a fortnight after I quit before I felt comfortable enough in it to tell people I had - It's all a journey, and don't feel compelled to solve all the problems immediately. Takes a while to get to the point that we arrive on this site, and (predictably, unfortunately), takes a while to rebuild. I shelled out and bought Cam's Respawn which was helpful, if only to have some sort of concrete outline to move towards. Just having someone say do this, then this early on was a good kick in the right direction.

Best of luck, Pernix. You've got this!

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8 hours ago, Pernix said:

Thank you so much @BooksandTrees
I'm at a loss for words on how relate-able everything you noted within your entry was. 

A large response isn't necessary, what you've provided me has me understanding so much more how deep I feel I am, and what I need to start getting a hold of within my own thoughts. 

I miss my life. My life out there. Just being with people, socializing, competing.. Just dominating life. 

Today has given me lots of insight into what exactly I've been hiding from, what I feel I'm attached to, and what I may need to do to finally say enough. 

I'm so thankful for you and the people like you here actually giving your stories, letting me find a home that I can feel safe to finally tell the truth after years and years of lying to both myself and everyone around me. 

I feel so driven by your words to keep pursuing my life of freedom. 

I know where my beginning is now. Before I go to bed, I'm going to write down my biggest lies I've been telling myself. I need to see them. I need to understand what I'm hiding from in order to understand how to conquer it. 

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. 

No problem. Try starting a journal and noting your day, good or bad. 

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Hey, That's great that things are going well with your gf. I can see how game quitting helps relationships grow stronger. On game quitting I just try to take it one day at a time. Avoid triggers and find things to do to fill my time. Some days are difficult some are easier. But always I've had to stay committed and keep trying to stay off the games. I feel lucky to have made it this far on my streak. I hope to keep quitting and that you can quit with us too. It can kind of help to talk yourself out of gaming and try to think about something else other than gaming. I try to practice mindfulness to combat thoughts of gaming.

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I don't know if anyone else has really emphasized this, didn't read every response. But I think you would also benefit from not being so hard on yourself. School is hard, quitting video games is hard, being honest with tough parents is hard. You've been facing a lot of stuff head on, and in the dark because you feel you can't really reach out to anyone for support. Chances are your group of gaming friends don't really understand the problems gaming can cause in ones life, especially if you guys don't talk about real life stuff much. The past is the past homie, you still have a lot in your control, and dropping gaming is the first step to realizing that control. Take it one problem at a time, not saying you can't focus on multiple things at once, sometimes thats actually more helpful and motivating than starting small. But really take it one problem at a time on paper, or notepad on your computer or literally anything, just write it out. Don't try to juggle it inside of your head.

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@Twin
 

3 hours ago, Twin said:

The past is the past homie, you still have a lot in your control

 

3 hours ago, Twin said:

I think you would also benefit from not being so hard on yourself.


I feel like you're the first person to ever tell me to stop being so hard on myself.
I'm so conflicted. I've been told all my life that if I'm not putting myself in the pain, I'm not doing it right. 

And now that I'm neck deep in it, I feel like I'm not living up to that expectation of strength. 

Thats what I'm doing wrong. I'm beating myself up so much that I keep walking back into my little gaming corner.. just defeated and broken.. Just a mess, you know? 

Some problems don't require consequences, it happens. Life is hard. I need to accept that, and tackle it as it comes along. 

My build up of crap over the years has been me attempting to put off the consequences but in reality they were happening regardless. I'd simply run away when I saw one unfold. 

The past is in the past. I'm going to stop dragging it with me. It doesn't define me. I know what I'm capable of. 

I'll tackle them as they come and wave at them as they go. 

You're getting lunch and a hug when this is all over. 😭

Thank you for your words.

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