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Pernix

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  1. @Twin I feel like you're the first person to ever tell me to stop being so hard on myself. I'm so conflicted. I've been told all my life that if I'm not putting myself in the pain, I'm not doing it right. And now that I'm neck deep in it, I feel like I'm not living up to that expectation of strength. Thats what I'm doing wrong. I'm beating myself up so much that I keep walking back into my little gaming corner.. just defeated and broken.. Just a mess, you know? Some problems don't require consequences, it happens. Life is hard. I need to accept that, and tackle it as it comes along. My build up of crap over the years has been me attempting to put off the consequences but in reality they were happening regardless. I'd simply run away when I saw one unfold. The past is in the past. I'm going to stop dragging it with me. It doesn't define me. I know what I'm capable of. I'll tackle them as they come and wave at them as they go. You're getting lunch and a hug when this is all over. 😭 Thank you for your words.
  2. @championealThank you! I found that site today actually and I'm definitely going to give it a go! I'm excited to get a hobby started, hopefully maybe turn it into a career, who knows 🙂 @WorkInProgress Honestly I'm so happy for you and your wife. I love spending some days imagining my life with her. Its definitely something I look forward to. I feel as though something I've done right even after all this time is constantly let her know (and this is almost exact word for word) "Babe, you understand that you can just ask me for anything and I'd drop any game in a heartbeat, no questions asked. You're my priority." I know that above all else, gaming does not come before her or my family. My biggest struggle in current days has mostly been gaming coming before my own commitments like school and personal goals, so thats what I'm going to be focused on for sure, but I'm definitely in line for my relationship. I've seen lots of people go down a path of consuming gaming in its entirety and their relationship failed, well I'll be damned if I let my relationship die. That woman is a 1 in a million chance I won't find again any time soon. Thats like winning the lotto then losing the ticket 😄 lmao. Thank you both for your kind words. Also as an update to all you kind souls willing to give me support and have commented so far, I have been able to talk to my closest online friend recently (38, gamer, family type) and he was so supportive and even this morning he sent me 13 JOBS THAT I WAS ABLE TO APPLY TO 😄 I was so happy. He got on the train to push me in the right direction and I made sure to send him a hearty thank you response. I'm feeling so motivated to keep this going. I'll be honest, I've gamed a little bit since I started this journey, but each day brings less hours in front of the screen and more hours focused on getting my real life sorted FIRST. I'm definitely on board so far with the progressing approach to it all, dwindling my screen time slowly but surely. It doesn't make me feel like "Crap I'm losing time I could be gaining xp" but instead makes me feel "Oh heck yea I've got more stuff I can do today for once!!" I'm not gonna lie I could cry right now because this is the most steps I've taken in 2 days than I have in the past 3 years doing this on my own, and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you that stick your neck out for me and help nudge me in the right direction. So far I've been keeping daily journals in physical form but I'll be sure to keep the updates rolling here as well. Thank you all again 🙂
  3. Thank you so much @BooksandTrees I'm at a loss for words on how relate-able everything you noted within your entry was. A large response isn't necessary, what you've provided me has me understanding so much more how deep I feel I am, and what I need to start getting a hold of within my own thoughts. I miss my life. My life out there. Just being with people, socializing, competing.. Just dominating life. Today has given me lots of insight into what exactly I've been hiding from, what I feel I'm attached to, and what I may need to do to finally say enough. I'm so thankful for you and the people like you here actually giving your stories, letting me find a home that I can feel safe to finally tell the truth after years and years of lying to both myself and everyone around me. I feel so driven by your words to keep pursuing my life of freedom. I know where my beginning is now. Before I go to bed, I'm going to write down my biggest lies I've been telling myself. I need to see them. I need to understand what I'm hiding from in order to understand how to conquer it. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
  4. Day 1: I'm not really sure how to begin. I'm just sitting here in my chair staring at my screen wondering: "Well uh.. should I just toss the computer out?" I guess I can start with a positive to get this moving. Today, my girlfriend and I went out together and honestly, I didn't enjoy myself at first. The craving was there. Just kept looking at my phone, ready to get home and be...not bored. But I caught myself, and turned my attention to her. I found myself frustrated for no reason that she was trying to look for shoes and I decided to ask: "Hey babe, can I have a hug?" Of course, she replied. So I ran up to her and got the best hug I've felt in ...well, ever. It was warm. Fulfilling. Comforting. Its that kind where she wraps her arms all the way around your neck and you could just pick her up and carry her away. I wanted to cry, it was that good. My frustration and anger disappeared almost instantly. Heck I even started trying on the women's boots just to make her laugh. Its like for the first time, I wasn't even able to think about gaming because I was so caught up in what I was doing. Being out and about with her. Well here I am, sitting at my desk. I'm kind of in that questionable mindset where I'm asking myself: "Should I starting weening myself off, maybe only play a few hours today?" "Should I quit cold turkey? How bad would the cravings get? Maybe if I just limit myself for now, thats a good a start as any?" Though honestly I'm not sure if this is a good mentality. I know a lot of people like to quit cold turkey and that theres plenty of testimonials of people who don't look back. I'm scared I won't be occupied enough with my time to not sit there and die of boredom. Its 3pm, so I guess I could set some goals through the rest of the afternoon so lets see: Goals for productivity today: 1) Take these dang dishes off your desk and wash them. 2) Laundry 3) Find 1 hobby to begin learning: Currently thinking about programming. Lots of programming books around the house, time to crack one open. - if anyone has any opinions on the best language to start learning, by all means please let me know. 4) Download all of the lecture powerpoints from this semester for winter break studying. (TLDR; Neglected school due to job hunt, going to try again next semester but succeed this time. ) I'll see you tomorrow.
  5. I'm honestly tripping on my words when I say thank you so much. I've been trying to do everything at once and all it does is lead to burnout and relapse and I think structure is what I need for sure. For sure I can give that daily journal a shot. Hopefully that can at least keep me focused on whats next. Honestly, being 100% transparent here, some of those tips seem next to impossible but I will give it my all. Giving up friends of 8 years or more seems like something I can't do but I know for sure I can manage it. I've begun distancing myself from half of them so far, usually just telling them I'm "not really feeling it tonight." I feel as though thats a good a start as any right? There are 2 or 3 that I still talk to on discord but I guess maybe its time to be upfront and honest with them. Maybe if they can support me on this, it might not feel so bad a blow? I'm sure ill find out today or tomorrow. As far as the dad thing goes,... man I'm just trying to wrap my head around that. You're absolutely right, I'm dying inside when I lie to him like that, but I know he'd be understanding if I just showed him I'm ready to commit to changing. Thats most of the reason why I've been hard pressed into looking for a job. Maybe if he sees progress into doing something with my life, he won't be as disappointed, heck maybe he'll even help me out further in my career, who knows. Even today, basically the start of my day 1, I'm feeling the urge to just throw down an all nighter with the boys again. I'm not sure whether to slowly cut down my hours on gaming until its basically none by the end of the week, or just cold turkey it. Any ways, at the very least, I'll get started on the journal and maybe something will come of it today! At the very least I can say, thank you for getting me started. Maybe you'll be seeing me with some good news a few months from now.
  6. Its 3:30am. My back hurts, my hand is cramping. I have dishes stacked next to me on my desk. Post it notes everywhere of things I've needed to do but didn't. My name is Philip and I'm 24 years old. I'm sick and tired of what I'm doing to myself. I need help. I can't do this myself. I've tried so many times, but I just keep downloading... and downloading... and downloading... My life has been buffering since 2010 and I just.. I can't do it anymore. Its time to say it all. Everything I've been avoiding. Everything I've been shoving in my closet and slamming the door behind me. I started gaming to avoid my dads rage in 2010. I continued gaming because I felt like I couldn't leave my friends online...ever. I thought I could escape in college, but my first ever Cs.. then Ds, I started gaming again. I couldn't do it. I studied so hard for so little and it felt more worth it to go level up some more. I abandoned my friends, my family, my school... I gamed. I failed out of college. I got scared and joined the military. I came back and thought I could start a new life, but people convinced me to try again. So I re-enrolled, but I wasn't ready to try again. So I gamed. And I told NO ONE. My grades slipped, my first Fs.. And I told NO ONE. I failed 2 semesters in a row... I told NO ONE. My dad still believes I'm making As, that I'm 1 class from my associates. I couldn't tell him. I keep enrolling every semester, wasting my military benefits to keep him happy... "Its just long enough to keep him happy while I get a job and move out" I still tell myself. 6 months now of constant employment rejections. More Fs this semester... I've told..no one. I can't tell my girlfriend. What would she think? She's with someone going nowhere. I can't tell my dad. He'd kick me out in a heartbeat. Lying to him has always been a death sentence. I can't even tell my friends. The only words they know are r.i.p. and p.o.g. Not an ounce of maturity in any one of them. I can't take it anymore. I can't. I've delivered myself nothing. Set myself up with nothing. Years of just nothing. Sitting here, gaining weight and wasting away. For the first time in my life I had a fleeting thought of suicide, but I know that should not be my answer. I want to be a fighter. I want to look my past in the face and say "You're not the man I choose to be." Please help me. I don't know how to do this on my own. I'm frightened of anyone who knows me, actually knowing how my life turned out. Please... someone. Anyone. If you've read this far, please guide me. I don't know where to begin.