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Ending the Loop


Pochatok

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Day 2 and 3 done. Still going well- stronger urges today, but simply thinking about it is a reminder that what I seek is love and compassion. Pornography never grants me those things.

The urges are the strongest when I seem to be evading the present- in the state of "waiting". Today, I caught my urges peaking as I was waiting for lunch hour to begin. Why..? I don't even eat during lunchtime- I operate on my own schedule.

Either way, any escapism desires are manifesting strongest in pornography these days- what I want to resort to, instead, is mindfulness- awareness, acceptance, and follow-through w/ the struggles and pains that drive my escapism.

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Day 4 and 5 behind- excited to keep moving (on). 

Urges more significant today-  I am a bit exhausted, and yet am not providing myself space of rest.

I will continue to build the free world I want to live in. I can't stop, I don't want to escape and distract (again). If not now, when? 

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Day 5 and 6 behind - excited to begin seeing a significant continuity here. 

Right now, with all that's going on around the world (and US in particular), it's been light and easy, keeping myself away from escapist tactics. Yes, I am stressed, but because of how different the source and quality of stress is, I'm dealing with it differently.

Simultaneously, I'm continuing to create habits that foster my spirituality.

Crucially, however, I am still not working towards my passions. And I want to, dearly.

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Day 7 behind- a full week. Has not happened in a while, but I will keep this going. Proud of myself for changing so much.

Dealing w/ a lot of personal hardships, but keeping together w/ some good habits- picking my face less, no gaming, etc.. I do want to acknowledge that social media and emotional distress took the place. Emotional distress seems to be addictive- it's comforting to feel sad and powerless, to me. 

So, gotta keep true to my discipline- exercise, ice shower, journaling, and planning my day out. 

Most importantly, not forgetting that God (future me) is always by my side. 

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Day 0 - a light, but still a relapse. It's all or nothing for this counter. However, this is not the sole measure of my growth. What matters is the change between the times the clock resets.

Been in a very difficult place emotionally this whole week, seem to be struggling a lot with  getting things done. Sleep deprivation due to work does not help much either, sadly.

But, I will continue to strive for my best. There is no excuse not to do that- I want myself to be well. I want myself to be happy. I can't get there through relapsing and escaping in other ways. I must continue to meet myself where I am. 

Be kind ❤️

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Posted (edited)

Day 1 - not relapsing today. I definitely need to back up my commitment w/ some reading- so I will read what I am already reading, just more. Caught myself wanting to order a new book... but no- there is no point! I have gotten so many to read through, already.

Today, it is so important to take the time to re-learn focus. Last two weeks have been an increasing disarray, due to a variety of circumstances. Time to do better.

Po

Edited by Pochatok
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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Day 4. Still going well. My addiction now causes disgust, rather than complacency. glad to be here.

I read once of a 'successful' mindset that we should consider ourselves as all the same (and with the same 24 hours per day). When I went to a theatre drama last weekend, I tried to imagine that I had no more unique energy than the actors and actresses, or vice versa. I scared myself for a bit then, thinking that they had to be taking drugs or something between their appearances on stage.

That's probably more wrong as it remains much more of a guess than the things I've read about pornographic actresses (and actors, perhaps) going through to produce what has been out there for anyone to use at a whim. I think of the seemingly mere 10-20% of my day that I feel really unified and benevolent towards everyone I come across compared to simply feeling 'switched on' or 'of use' all of the time - but rarely my concentrated self. Which of them is right? Maybe I've just forgotten in the just 1-2 weeks I've felt under the weather how to get through the day, and after 3 weeks without gaming again.

(Hey, Po, well done) 🫣

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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21 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I read once of a 'successful' mindset that we should consider ourselves as all the same (and with the same 24 hours per day). When I went to a theatre drama last weekend, I tried to imagine that I had no more unique energy than the actors and actresses, or vice versa. I scared myself for a bit then, thinking that they had to be taking drugs or something between their appearances on stage.

Imo, that is the myth of meritocracy, and quite plainly so. yes, we exist within the same temporality, but our privileges and abilities and experiences create differences that at times may be impassable. such a statement ignores disability, race, gender, and many other identity-based systems of separation and oppression.

yes, a lot of things are technically possible for you . but that does not necessarily mean you actually can do those things. we all need to look to our strengths, and continuously work towards personal and collective liberation, cuz that's the only way towards actually becoming more 'all the same'. 

❤️ 

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22 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

ere 10-20% of my day that I feel really unified and benevolent towards everyone I come across compared to simply feeling 'switched on' or 'of use' all of the time

hey! imo, that's you simply being hard on yourself. people who appear at 100% simply don't criticize themselves. that's literally all it takes. it doesn't mean they're doing any better performance-wise. but they definitely appear although they are.

i've been in that 10-20% the whole evening today. it has sucked. but as soon as i wrote the statement above, i felt ignited to do the right thing again.

have you read 'courage to be disliked'? may be of help to you ❤️

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Day 7.

urges present, but i persist b/c i remember who i want to be.

i want the world to be free, and i will not ever achieve that vision w/out liberating myself. so, no relapsing today, and tomorrow me will return to this commitment.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/4/2024 at 10:02 AM, Pochatok said:

have you read 'courage to be disliked'? may be of help to you ❤️

Found it today; it reads like inner dialogue, and while I do some of that alone (a recent post in my journal), it has already seemed to confirm the 'pay attention/take responsibility' for your world bit.

EDIT: The 'philosopher' tells the 'youth' he is wrong on page 102, after earlier telling him not to do that; instead to tell someone that their point is illogical, not the person themselves. I feel righteous indignation! 🥲

That's good, but I've right away thought of the other day I tried to calmly direct a bicycle-rider's attention to traffic as he crossed the road with my hands and eye contact, instead of yelling, "Hey, cyclist! Watch your right side!" He noticed, but almost too late. (Side note, I walked too brazenly in the rain last week and was surprised how quickly my pedestrian lights turned red while crossing, and earned a bike/car horn - nobody proceeded until I'd crossed though. :X)

When it's a seemingly small matter, people (even me) don't always appreciate those louder calls. But small things do matter in happiness. I remember when competitive gaming that every interaction was very important to me, and conversations I had kept me up for about an hour every night. It's hard to maintain that offline, when the default instinct for many (like me, again) is to relax. But ideally, I would also respond well again to demands that I focus, throughout the day.

If that road traffic situation had ended up going very badly, would the cyclist have died happy? - You know, because he was possibly feeling confident enough to take the odd risk. I mean, dang. lol

Godspeed Po 🙂 

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted.

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted.

According to Adlerian psychology, it's just from interpersonal relationships, isn't it? Which one(s) do you think? 🫠

EDIT: Whilst that is almost exactly what I'd say to a friend (or comrade?) at moments of busy-mindedness (had they recommended me something to read that was changing their life positively and was half of the reason that I felt busy!), I'm sorry if that's too short or brief. This forum should have a more formal edge to it than instant-messaging or offline 'chit-chat'. 

9 days, wicked!

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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On 5/3/2024 at 3:54 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

I read once of a 'successful' mindset that we should consider ourselves as all the same (and with the same 24 hours per day). When I went to a theatre drama last weekend, I tried to imagine that I had no more unique energy than the actors and actresses, or vice versa. I scared myself for a bit then, thinking that they had to be taking drugs or something between their appearances on stage.

I guess people/actors enter a trance-like experience when they perform. Sure, they have some skills we don't have, but I also think they calibrate themselves towards the performance too. I think theatre actors are mainly interested in these states/benefits and that's why they do their jobs.

On 5/4/2024 at 1:59 AM, Pochatok said:

Imo, that is the myth of meritocracy, and quite plainly so. yes, we exist within the same temporality, but our privileges and abilities and experiences create differences that at times may be impassable. such a statement ignores disability, race, gender, and many other identity-based systems of separation and oppression.

yes, a lot of things are technically possible for you . but that does not necessarily mean you actually can do those things. we all need to look to our strengths, and continuously work towards personal and collective liberation, cuz that's the only way towards actually becoming more 'all the same'. 

I'm curious. How do you understand the word "meritocracy"? What is it in your eyes? From the way I understand it, good performers get a raise, get recognition/good feedback etc.

To link up to what I wrote above, let's say I want to visit a play in a classical theatre. I pay my time (and normally some money too) and I expect a certain level of performance from the actors. They don't need to be the best and do their best on that day, but the idea here is I can't "see through them" whether they mess something up. I think if the institution put together a bunch of amateurs with little experience/little finesse/little care, I'd have every right to be unhappy with their lack of skill. I'd prefer to watch a bunch of average professionals who know their business, likely who got to the theatre play based on merit and who worked their way up from being amateurs at first.

(Note I am not arguing whether some jobs should be paid more/less or whether being a CEO is more valuable than being a regular worker.)

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Ikar said:

I guess people/actors enter a trance-like experience when they perform. Sure, they have some skills we don't have, but I also think they calibrate themselves towards the performance too. I think theatre actors are mainly interested in these states/benefits and that's why they do their jobs.

True, that's often how I got by with a long line of pizza orders ahead. 😛 I also wonder if Po should use this book he recommended to answer you! I'm only 2/3 finished reading it. (edit: p184-187, wow! - 'the courage to be disliked') 

Edited by wheatbiscuit
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i'm still going well - no formal relapse. from time to time, negative exposure to remind myself why i quit- but i know what i want. porn is just unappealing at this point- it doesn't cover any needs, and my cravings, too, are now channeled elsewhere (talking to real people, yay). 

so, day 16ish. longest i've had in awhile. let's keep moving. 

--

personal reflection: been feeling down a lot. it takes a conscious effort of letting myself reflect and rest, but i don't always do those in the correct sequence- like now, when i really should clean up my space, journal about what's bugging me, and then get here. the reason this is my response to stress, i think, is b/c i've conditioned myself to go to GQ when i don't feel well. maybe it does help, but certainly, journaling should come first as the most steadfast and reliable way of moving through my feelings!

 

beyond that, exciting changes to my life coming to place- i'm quitting my job, moving a different city, and solidifying my long-term plans into concrete visions. a slow process, but i've learned that i'm not someone who can ever do it overnight. just persist, and i will get there.

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not keeping days- i have been exposing myself to sexual media of sorts, but the relationship feels very different (just like w/ games, which I occasionally still play). i understand the unique niche of desire sexual media can fullfill, but also understand well how so much of it goes against my values. i think that how and why i access that media has shifted fundamentally (though i still need to do a lot of work to truly be free of impulsive actions and trauma-related decision making). 

cheers!

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another few commitments I want to shift to, sensing some difficulty in other areas of my life:

- i'm spending more and more time watching TV (over 40 minutes today alone)
- i'm struggling w/ focusing for longer periods of time, escapist tendencies and small tasks capture my attention constantly.

with those two, my goals are...

- only watch TV when i have laid down all of today's work. let that escapism not prioritize my missions.
- get back to focus timers. learn to keep a posture for 20, 30, 60 minutes again. no work w/out a timer of some sort.

 

i don't want to prioritize escapism over efforts of making the world a better place. i pray for strength in changing the course of this frustrating habit.

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  • 3 weeks later...

it's been nearly a month!

i've quit my job, moved home (so lucky to have a family that can provide me space to live in, that respects my boundaries, that empowers me to be my best self). 

i've stopped watching tv, i've quit gaming (again- i play from time to time, but games that have no addictive/entertaining aspects, like 'minesweeper')

i'm still struggling w/ escapism of other sorts- simply having my mind wonder in times when i can be learning/making things. 

i'm still struggling w/ pornography- i've been experiencing a lot of stress due to big life changes, and i don't like that this is my way of coping. but, it's only so because i'm denying myself other things- like going on walks, exercising, meeting people. i need to set my priorities better!

with all of that, i'm building amibition- constantly countering thoughts of helplessness, of internalized limitations... and now, nearly a week after quitting my job, i need to let that blossom. none of this can wait another day. i must live to my fullest.

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