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Living in real time once more


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So, I am back.  This time under a new name, "bear", also known as "pepega".  I am still the same person, but I felt like I needed a fresh start.

A lot has happened in my time gone, and I did relapse for some time, and maybe I will speak about the topic a bit:

I really did enjoy playing video games again.  It was exciting, the joy similar to unwrapping a Christmas present, and also the thrill from anticipation for the possibilities ahead.  Then there was the spark from meeting people too, although that was exhausting after some interaction, but still fun.  I won't lie to myself and not say I had a grand time.  I did.  The experience was pleasant, and I remember after getting up from a few hours of play yesterday to go to the restroom, thinking to myself, "Wow, I feel really comfortable right now. " while sitting on the toilet.  It was like the feeling of being surrounded by all your good friends and family on the holidays...  But.. in the end, I don't think I was fully able to immerse myself in the experience( which is why I am here now), because as much as I wanted to play for whatever days, weeks, and years to come, I began to see gaming as a luxury.  A luxury I could not afford. 

This is a rather new reflection, but I think I spent sometime thinking about the differences in luxuries that people could afford, myself included back then, in relation to my present self now, and to conclude, which I will further explain below, is that I think the more financially stable and secure one is, or confident in their living circumstances, the more they can risk indulging in these gaming activities. 

Because as my parents came from work, made meals everyday for me, as a child back then, I remember the comfort similar to my gaming experience recently as the same.  This feeling of being secure, and because of that sense of security, I could game.  But this time was different, which is evident through myself deciding to quit once more and returning to this forum.  Reality isn't the same anymore.  I can't game without feeling the guilt and anxiousness of my present circumstances.

Now that about wraps up my refection during and after my time relapsing and playing video games.  It is a given that there is a high percent chance that I will relapse once more, since I already experienced the euphoria of gaming again, but I am going to try again and live in the present.  Video games will always be there, they will always be updated and releasing new content, but if I turn away from all the noise, and whatever ideas of FOMO, then will I be able to live my life again. 

Also, I think it's a good idea to put this down:

Some of the reasons why I relapsed was because (triggers):

  • Watching streamers play games
  • Watching YouTube gaming content (but Youtube in general too)
  • Checking updates and content release from games
  • FOMO
  • Being around people in general that fixate themselves on gaming

So... with that said,

I'm back, I'll be posting every Monday for this month, and I think after that I'll see how things go, and see what schedule is comfortable with me.  The goal for now is the 90 day detox, and go from there.

Day 0.

It's a bit disappointing to see 0, but I learned something from the relapse, and because of that, I have obtained valuable information.  So, let's see where things go now that I am equipped with something that of a guide.

 

 

Edited by bear
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  • bear changed the title to Living in real time once more

Been thinking about you, welcome back.

A lot of what you write makes it seem pretty obvious that you're ready for a change. Moving from the comfiness of a past life to pursue a more fulfilling one is always difficult. I like how you acknowledge the costs of hanging onto those parts of your previous life; it'll just make the transition harder. 

I'm excited to hear your thoughts on how life changes over the next 90 days. I think you'll enjoy the mental benefits that come with getting better at resisting cravings/distractions.

 

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Good luck this time mate!

I think that it is important to identify the triggering factors that lead you to video game (which you already did). Usually my relapses start, by watching TV/ streaming and social media (like youtube). I think it is hard to be successful in our journey to quit games if we don't also control the underlying causes that lead us to games.

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Thank you everyone for the support.

Day 7

How should I go about recapping this week?  I am not sure, but I will go ahead and try.  It is a little difficult go into detail, but I will try to summarize and then throw some of my thoughts out there from the week.

So in the beginning, the first four four days were probably the hardest.  The feelings of the gaming euphoria overwhelmed me for most of the days, and because of that I used streamers for an outlet to blow away the feeling of needing to game.  It sounds counter intuitive to use a poison to fight off another poison, but somehow things worked out.  I made sure to exercise too.  Then after that big hump of four days, I am not sure, but I think my brain started to calm down, and I started getting back more in line with real life, and working on myself.  Doing what I needed to do. 

In other words, for every moment I felt like playing games, I guess I substituted it with something, and the more I began to substitute gaming with something else, the more my mind began to feel less about gaming.

That about sums up the week.

As for my thoughts during the week, explaining all my thoughts are hard to do.  The more I think about my thoughts over the week, the more they diminish.  So, sorry if I can't say too much @Lampshade.   However, I guess something to point out is that odd feeling of journaling after quitting games, because the more I write this journal after quitting games, the more I feel like this is just a normal journal of a person living life.  I have no complaints though.

But I do want to note, after the following week, I will stop journaling altogether.  So, I'll most likely use next week as a good bye.  It's nothing too dramatic or mischievous.  Sorry if its sudden and maybe I am being too vague, but it's relates to my life circumstance and something I heavily thought about, in other words too personal too speak about.

So until next time for my last entry on this website, with this community.  Really thank you to everyone who has responded to my past journals, and gave me much needed insight and support, as well as the empowerment from reading other person's journal.

Edited by bear
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Day 14

So ladies and gentlemen, the time for my departure has come, which means time for good byes.  I want to thank a lot of the people here in this community such as @BooksandTrees, @Bird By Bird, @Lampshade, @A New Man, who have actively supported me in this transition from gaming, and also I want to thank the many others in this community for sharing their journals and commenting and supporting one way or the other.  It's obvious that I am not quite "there yet" where I am able to list my accomplishments accompanied by my days and all the other gravies, and that's okay, because to me, all these accomplishments are like the results of something not too tangible, and by non-tangible, I am maybe referring to the change in mindset.  The shift from the constant reliance or fix on gaming, which resembles an addict to someone that doesn't need all these shots or fixes to move forward in life. 

My reliance was gaming, and then when I moved away from gaming, it was streamers and YouTubers, and whatever influences in my life.  I never once felt confident in handling my life without some kind of crutch like @BooksandTrees talked about before in an accomplishment post.  And even now, I am still shaky on handling my life alone without having some form of distraction or fixation on somebody or something.  However, I have hope that as more days go by, maybe I will become more confident as I live my life without this constant need for a "crutch" like my need for gaming, watching streamers, porn and masturbation, and also this "need" to be someone that I am not as a means to get through life.  I believe some day, some way I will find something to replace these needs with something much more meaningful if I am not doing so already.

But anyway, thank you @Bird By Bird for giving me something to reflect on in the previous journal, which in turn helped me in a way I did not expect to.  I think your words were the most powerful.  At least in the topic of recognizing and being comfortable with myself.  I am not sure where I learned that it wasn't okay to be myself, but I am grateful for you calling me out on that, because I am afraid maybe I would had lost myself in the process during the time of my journals and life in general looking back.  There's still so much more to reflect on regarding the topic of being myself, but I imagine what I have to do now going forward, is becoming less of someone else and now more of myself.  Also, the idea of seeing what works for me and sticking to that plan was a life lesson in itself, so I want to thank you for that as well.

I also want to thank you @Lampshade and @BooksandTrees in greater detail too.  You both actively supported me in my previous journals, and gave me a lot of insight on this journey, and that empowered me to continue on even though I had a rough start.  In a way, it was kind of frustrating though if that's okay to say, mainly because of the different phases we are in life and because of that I felt some kind of disconnect, and not just you two.   Almost like being a level 1, and being around level 100s, in this journey if that makes sense.  Sorry for the gaming reference.  But in spite that, both of you along with Bird gave me light of what's to come and guidance like those of the elderly, and I am thankful for that more than anything.

That about wraps up everything.  And so... with that said, Happy Holidays, Happy New Years, and wishing the best for everyone in life.  

 

With much gratitude and love, farewell,

bear, also previously known as pepega

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