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Dasvira's addiction journal and confessions (starting again...)


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Hello people,

 

I am a video game addict.

I am a about ~25 yo male from Brazil and I am an addict since at least I was a little kid and got my first gameboy color. Looking back it seems like all of society pushed me into addiction into internet, TV shows, fantasy novels and video games and those became very deeply entrenched bad habits over time.

I am trying to stop gaming for AT LEAST 10 YEARS. I am more or less successful at many times and frequently keep months without gaming. However, every time I pass trough a hard moment in life my bad habits come back as a way to try to escape life's problems and hardships. I am mostly addicted to strategy games such as Age of Empires, Europa Universalis, Civilization etc. But I am also addicted to other games, surfing in the internet, TV shows and porn.

I am having a difficult 2020 and I did a serious attempt to quit gaming, TV shows and most of social media, after I read the book digital minimalism of Carl Newport about a month ago. I was "declutering" myself until about two weeks ago when I knew about Age of Empires III Definitive Edition (one of my favorite childhood game). I spent ALL my free time playing it from the last two weeks. I just wake up of a nap after gaming for over 30 hours straight, feeling like a shell of myself and bewildered of how I can waste my life like that. I wonder WTF is wrong with me.

As I tell about my history, I feel very depressed and decided in an impulse to take radical steps. I unsubscribed from netflix and requested my steam account of many, many years in which I wasted about 1100 US$ to be deleted and I wait my request to be processed. I thought about doing it many times, but never had the courage because of how much my account was worth. I decided not to sell or give way anything in my library and to rather accept the loss (I hope to have perseverance to do so). I also previously deleted my reddit account, but I can't really delete facebook or google account because it is important to my work and because I prefer to be secretive about my problems and addiction, that being said I unfollowed everyone and turned off history and notifications about a month ago.

I realize that "moderation" isn't really an option to me and I am either gaming very hard or not gaming at all for months. And obvious triggers to my video game addiction are TV shows, internet surfing and porn. So I feel like I have to quit everything at once.

While my parents obviously perceive my gaming problems they don't really speak about it and I am too ashamed of myself to discuss it with any friend or family.

I did start a journal a couple of months ago, but I came back to gaming so I stopped it... because of that I prefer to just start again, clean, and hope to do better this time. In this diary I hope to keep track not only of my gaming and internet addictions but also my meditation, exercise and studying habits. I hope that doing so helps me to keep consistency in my journey of overcoming those vices and addictions that hurt me so much.

 

HEAVILY EDITED BECAUSE OF PRIVACY CONCERNS, MADE THIS JOURNAL YESTERDAY WHEN EMOTIONALLY ALTERED AFTER PLAYING 30 HOUR STRAIGHT AND GAVE LOTS OF PERSONAL INFORMATION, WHICH I NOW REGRET. TODAY, I DELETED THE MOST PERSONAL PART, STARTED MY OWN PERSONAL AND PRIVATE JOURNAL, BECAUSE I THINK IT COULD BE HELPFUL. I PLAN TO KEEP WRITING IN HERE DAILY, BUT ONLY STRICTLY ABOUT MY VIDEO GAME HABITS AND RELATED ADDICTIONS.

Edited by dasvira
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Yesterday at night I was feeling like trash and took some emergency sleeping pills I have in case my sleeping patterns get too messed up, just after I wrote my original post (I have to work nightshifts most weeks).

Today I woke up in the morning feeling better I meditated for 30 min (i did not do any meditation for at least two weeks before today morning), then took my dog for a long walk in a local city park. Afterwards, I started my private and personal diary on penzu.com

I never really seriously tried journaling before (only some short lived attempts that didn't go anywhere). Even if I am writing anonymously about my day in an internet forum with total strangers, I feel there are parts of my journal that I would rather keep to myself. I edited my previous post and removed the most personal information. Even if it is unlikely, I don't want any risk of being identified. Furthermore, I feel I can only be 100% honest with myself alone. Even if anonymous internet forums may be great for venting out, it is inevitable to have some fear of judgment of one most personal thoughts.

I like philosophy and I think it helps me greatly to have a stable mind and life. My favorite topics are Buddhism and Stoicism. I started to reread (maybe for the third time) "Mindfulness in Plain English" by by Bhante Gunaratana, it was one my fallback books about meditation and Buddhism in general and I enjoy this book greatly. Even if I am more used too Soto Zen's zazen meditation practice (mainly because I live in São Paulo, where there is the largest Japanese community in the world and the Japanese variants of buddhism are by far the most common ones), I think this book offers great insight for anyone who wants to practice mindfulness and any kind of mindfulness based meditation tradition. I will leave a paragraph, I found insightful.

Happiness and peace are really the prime issues in human existence. That is what all of us are seeking. This is often a bit hard to see because we cover up those basic goals with layers of surface objectives. We want food, wealth, sex, entertainment, and respect. We even say to ourselves that the idea of “happiness” is too abstract: “Look, I am practical. Just give me enough money and I will buy all the happiness I need.” Unfortunately, this is an attitude that does not work. Examine each of these goals and you will find that they are superficial. You want food. Why? Because I am hungry. So you are hungry—so what? Well, if I eat, I won’t be hungry, and then I’ll feel good. Ah ha! “Feel good”: now there is the real item. What we really seek is not the surface goals; those are just means to an end. What we are really after is the feeling of relief that comes when the drive is satisfied. Relief, relaxation, and an end to the tension. Peace, happiness — no more yearning.

 

Today is municipal election day in Brazil, and I am obliged to vote by the government. Compulsory ballot really help the politicians in power and they will never give it up. I am kinda of skeptical about politics and am a mild libertarian because of that. I feel Brazilian politics is kind of a mobcracy in which everyone tries to take advantage of everyone by using the government to their own self-interest, and the most populist candidate always win. Honestly, I would simply not vote if I had the choice. But since the consequences of not voting may very bad and time consuming (government forces you to go to three different places and write a couple of forms personally, state the reason why you didn't vote and go to a local brazilian bureucratic center just so you can finally pay a 0,30 US$ fine...), I will soon leave and spend one or two hours in a line so I can vote in least terrible candidate and get done with it.

Edited by dasvira
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Sorry they make you vote over there. Doesn't seem too fun to deal with especially from your perspective. I've actually read Mindfulness in Plain English. I based my daily meditation practice on the instructions in that book. So that's really cool that you're into that book. I like how he describes focusing on your breath in one small part of your nose so that you can more easily keep your mind on it instead of following the breath all up and down your body.

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2 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Sorry they make you vote over there. Doesn't seem too fun to deal with especially from your perspective. I've actually read Mindfulness in Plain English. I based my daily meditation practice on the instructions in that book. So that's really cool that you're into that book. I like how he describes focusing on your breath in one small part of your nose so that you can more easily keep your mind on it instead of following the breath all up and down your body.

 

Indeed I really like the book as well. It is maybe the best book to getting started in meditation I know, specially the first half.

If I can make a tiny criticism about it and Vispassana meditation in general as a whole is that it is "too structured" and the Jhana stuff never really clicked with me. I feel like following the breath is great for starting a meditation session, but ultimately I feel like zen seated meditation is better approach to pure mindfulness meditation. That being said, zen is the only form of meditation that I had a more "formal" instruction.

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Day 1.

 

Today I am already feeling better compared to the last two weeks. I had no urge to game whatsoever.

I decided that today I am quitting cold turkey not only from videogames, but also mindless internet surfing, unwholesome social media, porn, TV shows/ streaming services. From all of those gaming is by far my biggest problem, but I don't think that those other addictions would add anything to my real goals in life. Besides that, they they are usually a triggering factor that lead me to gaming. Furthermore, or on my last attempts at stopping gaming I stopped gaming, I simply substituted it with other low effort forms of entertainment, mainly reddit and steaming services like netflix.

I got an answer from steam and my account will be deleted in 30 days, and I intend to hold on firm during this time. Although I'm a PC gamer, I also bought a Xbox in 2019 (that I don't really play that much) and I wanna get rid of it ASAP before my commitment goes away. I was not sure about what to do with it and trashing the console seems to be a radical choice, so I decided to give it away to an orphanage. Already talked to the manager and I will deliver it there during this week. Even if my gaming problem stems of how much I was exposed to games as a child, I believe most people play video games without any addiction problem, so giving the console to poor kids feels like the most sensible choice to me (I guess? Not sure about what you guys think about it).

I am lucky to have a good job with flexible hours and I managed to redistribute my working day of this week into this weekend and next week. I feel like i really need a short break. I already have planned vacations in December.

 

As I said this is actually my third or fourth attempt of quitting games cold turkey and forever (and I made uncountable less serious attempts). My previous attempts were successful for a couple of months until I eventually and slowly relapsed. This is the first time I actually take action to physically get rid of my games, so if I ever wanna play video games again, I would have to buy all of them back. This my second time trying to quit porn and social media and my first attempt at quitting TV/ streaming. Maybe I am being too bold and naïve, but I will try to quit everything at once.

I will try to post here everyday even if it is only a few words reaffirming my commitment and realizing that I didn't game today.

 

Days without:

- gaming: 01

- TV / streaming: 01

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 01

- Porn: 01

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Good stuff, @dasvira! If you can get rid of those 4 things, you'll be in the top 1% of human performance already--so many are stuck in those traps.

Besides getting away from all of these things, which are good goals, do you have any goals that you're moving towards? A job, better relationships, better health, etc.? 

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4 hours ago, dasvira said:

Day 1.

 

Today I am already feeling better compared to the last two weeks. I had no urge to game whatsoever.

I decided that today I am quitting cold turkey not only from videogames, but also mindless internet surfing, unwholesome social media, porn, TV shows/ streaming services. From all of those gaming is by far my biggest problem, but I don't think that those other addictions would add anything to my real goals in life. Besides that, they they are usually a triggering factor that lead me to gaming. Furthermore, or on my last attempts at stopping gaming I stopped gaming, I simply substituted it with other low effort forms of entertainment, mainly reddit and steaming services like netflix.

I got an answer from steam and my account will be deleted in 30 days, and I intend to hold on firm during this time. Although I'm a PC gamer, I also bought a Xbox in 2019 (that I don't really play that much) and I wanna get rid of it ASAP before my commitment goes away. I was not sure about what to do with it and trashing the console seems to be a radical choice, so I decided to give it away to an orphanage. Already talked to the manager and I will deliver it there during this week. Even if my gaming problem stems of how much I was exposed to games as a child, I believe most people play video games without any addiction problem, so giving the console to poor kids feels like the most sensible choice to me (I guess? Not sure about what you guys think about it).

I am lucky to have a good job with flexible hours and I managed to redistribute my working day of this week into this weekend and next week. I feel like i really need a short break. I already have planned vacations in December.

 

As I said this is actually my third or fourth attempt of quitting games cold turkey and forever (and I made uncountable less serious attempts). My previous attempts were successful for a couple of months until I eventually and slowly relapsed. This is the first time I actually take action to physically get rid of my games, so if I ever wanna play video games again, I would have to buy all of them back. This my second time trying to quit porn and social media and my first attempt at quitting TV/ streaming. Maybe I am being too bold and naïve, but I will try to quit everything at once.

I will try to post here everyday even if it is only a few words reaffirming my commitment and realizing that I didn't game today.

 

Days without:

- gaming: 01

- TV / streaming: 01

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 01

- Porn: 01

Good job, buddy. Giving away your console is a smart move. 

 

Best of luck for you on your journey

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23 hours ago, DaBest said:

Good stuff, @dasvira! If you can get rid of those 4 things, you'll be in the top 1% of human performance already--so many are stuck in those traps.

Besides getting away from all of these things, which are good goals, do you have any goals that you're moving towards? A job, better relationships, better health, etc.? 

I am a physician. My main current goal is getting a primary care residency spot in the USA in the next 1-2 years.

I just realized I no longer have any hope in Brazil. I just can't see my country going anywhere in the next 20 years given how corrupt, populist and inefficient our government is. Besides that, I am really sick of São Paulo which is simply too big to be healthy place to live in. I have a long ass commuting time, pollution sucks (tough it was much, much worse when I was a kid) and I have been robbed at gunpoint twice between 2019 and 2020 after leaving work. The main reason I still live in São Paulo is because I can live with my parents and not pay any rent.

After that then I am not sure. Probably, I will work in an undeserved region with a chronic shortage of physicians, since the USA government offers programs to fastrack a greencard and later citizenship in those situations.

I also would like to get more consistent with my exercises.

Edited by dasvira
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Day 2 - Old habbits die hard:

 

I had no urge of gaming, porn or TV shows at all. But I had problems with mindless surfing in the internet.

I realize that even if gaming has a much deeper impact in my life, internet surfing addiction is actually harder to quit. I have actually quit gaming, porn and streaming shows for months a couple of times; but I don't think there has been a single week I have gone without some kind of mindless internet surfing. Also most of the site I get hooked in (reddit and youtube) are a mixed bag of great, healthy content and the majority of trashy channels/ communities. The entire modus operandi of companies like Facebook and Youtube involves getting you addicted, even after I literally unsubscribed from everything, deleted and paused all my history, asked not to receive 'relevant' notifications and maxed all privacy settings I am still bombarded with the content I want to avoid (and frequently fall prey of it). I highly doubt those companies really give up your data or respect your desire of less intrusive notifications. Since it is really hard to filter the gold from scrap, I am just quitting it completely at least for a month. I am also quitting any new website, because news about the world just make me angry and hateful most of the time and I feel like I need a break out of it (sometimes ignorance is bliss).

I read some journals in this forums and found tremendously helpful material and insight here. I see many people using cold turkey ( getcoldturkey.com ). I installed this program today and I am really enjoying it, because it forces you the get strong second thought if you really want to see this site. Several times I typed in my browser "reddit.com" or "youtube.com" but giving it a second thought prevented me from giving in to my urges to access those sites. The program comes with a list of distracting sites and I added to those all the porn sites I visit and also all news websites. I will go trough a decluttering period of at least 30 days (as advised in the book Digital Minimalism of Carl Newport) and them I will see what to do after that.

Quote of today:

‘Do a small number of things’, he says, ‘if you want contentment.’
Would it not be better to do what is necessary and what the reason of a
naturally political animal requires and as it requires? This brings not
only the contentment that comes from acting rightly but also that which
comes from doing a small number of things. Most of what we say and do
is not necessary, and if you get rid of that, you will have more leisure and be
less disturbed. So you should remind yourself on each occasion: surely,
this is not one of the things that are necessary. And you should not only
get rid of unnecessary actions but also impressions; in that way, redundant
actions will not follow.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditaions. Book IV.

 

Resume of today:

Today...

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surffing.

I didn't meditate.

I didn't exercise.

I did journaling on penzu.

I studied only for about 4 hours.

 

Days without:

- gaming: 02

- TV / streaming: 02

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

- Porn: 02

Edited by dasvira
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On 11/15/2020 at 1:16 PM, dasvira said:

 

Indeed I really like the book as well. It is maybe the best book to getting started in meditation I know, specially the first half.

If I can make a tiny criticism about it and Vispassana meditation in general as a whole is that it is "too structured" and the Jhana stuff never really clicked with me. I feel like following the breath is great for starting a meditation session, but ultimately I feel like zen seated meditation is better approach to pure mindfulness meditation. That being said, zen is the only form of meditation that I had a more "formal" instruction.

I see. I don't really know anything else, I'm just glad the breath meditation works well enough for me to practice daily. What's the Zen practice you do like? I could see if you've bonded with a more open style that vipassana could feel too structured. That quote from Marcus Aurelius made me feel better about my life and how I can only watch a few shows. Maybe it's not so bad to be watching only those few shows and doing so few things.

Edited by TheNewMe2.0
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9 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

...That quote from Marcus Aurelius made me feel better about my life and how I can only watch a few shows. Maybe it's not so bad to be watching only those few shows and doing so few things.

 

I think so.

Many times I stopped gaming a just substitute it with streaming services (like netflix). I few like my gaming and internet addiction is in fact a underlying symptom of a greater problem (like boredom, escapism and just not being able to accept nature and be content with my lot in life). I feel like doing only what is important and doing less things, can make life feel more enjoyable and peaceful.

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Day 3

I did not have any kind of urge to game, porn or TV shows. But again I struggled with internet surfing (even if it was not that bad today). GetColdTurkey is working just fine and I did not visit any of my main distracting sites (youtube, facebook, reddit etc.), I did visit quora however and ended up blocking it even if it is not such a toxic site. Other than that, I did mindless google search and mindless wikipedia browse ( I enetered wikipedia for a quick summary of a rare disease and mindlessly clicked so many links that I actually ended up reading about the history of Monaco....).

Other than that I just bought William Irvine new book 'The Stoic Challenge', but decided not to read it now. There is some time that I realize that I am kind of a compulsive reader. I read books about phylosophy more as a way to escape life's hardships than as a way of confronting and working with them. I do not know what I honestly expect to learn with another book. They are mainly an echo-chamber of what I am already convinced of. I already have a good idea about the solutions to most of the vices I am dealing with. The problem is I don't have the consistency, fortitude and self-discipline to live the life I want to live. Reading books about how to live a good life is NOT actually having a good life.

Furthermore, I often start reading those type of self-help books in order to procrastinate and not read about subjects that I find more difficult and less rewarding; thus avoiding studying. I will avoid being hooked on books those days (though probably not cut them of completely). I want to study >10 hours during my free days.

 

Resume of today:

Today...

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surffing.

I did meditate.

I didn'T exercise.

I did journaling on penzu.

I studied only for about 5-6 hours.

 

Days without:

- gaming: 03

- TV / streaming: 03

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

- Porn: 03

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On 11/16/2020 at 8:15 PM, dasvira said:

I am a physician. My main current goal is getting a primary care residency spot in the USA in the next 1-2 years.

I just realized I no longer have any hope in Brazil. I just can't see my country going anywhere in the next 20 years given how corrupt, populist and inefficient our government is. Besides that, I am really sick of São Paulo which is simply too big to be healthy place to live in. I have a long ass commuting time, pollution sucks (tough it was much, much worse when I was a kid) and I have been robbed at gunpoint twice between 2019 and 2020 after leaving work. The main reason I still live in São Paulo is because I can live with my parents and not pay any rent.

After that then I am not sure. Probably, I will work in an undeserved region with a chronic shortage of physicians, since the USA government offers programs to fastrack a greencard and later citizenship in those situations.

I also would like to get more consistent with my exercises.

Those are some good goals, though I do have to warn you, we (I'm American) are also corrupt, populist, and inefficient too! 😄 Maybe just not as much. 

If times get though when you are quitting, don't forget these goals. Quite obviously, spending too much time on the internet and gaming will hinder you performance at work and with your exercises. The more you remember this the better you will do long term. 

Keep up the good work!

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I like your phrasing of accepting your lot in life. I need to do that more too. The more I can accept how things are the more at peace I'll feel because I'm okay with my lot. Studying 10 hours a day sounds pretty ambitious to me. But good luck, if that's what you want to do go for it.

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Day 4 of my journey to overcoming my gaming and internet addiction:

Only small urges to fap, no urges to game or watch TV shows at all.

Xbox is gone forever thankfully.

Internet surfing is still a problem. No surfing in the morning or afternoon, but I did start to browse wikipedia for historical and geographical curiosities mainly and in the evening for way too long time. I also did try to access reddit at least three times today, but thankfully to ColdTurkey, I had to give it a second thought and was able to resist the temptation.

Sometimes I struggle with daydreaming/ wishfullthinking and keep fantasizing about events in the future. I have this tendency since i was a little kid. I do it mainly when I am doing activities that don't require my full attention (like walking or eating), but I sometimes catch me just walking without a purpose in my own house thinking about life. Today I guess i daydreamed for about 2 hours in total.

I also realize that since I got out of college I take a lot of time to get of bed (sometimes over 2 hours) and tend to over sleep, unless I have an appointment at the morning. I want to keep track of that in the future.

I didn't study as much as i would like, but I have to consider that until this monday I didn't study AT ALL for 2-3 weeks because of gaming relapse.

 

Resume of today:

Today...

Wake up hour - 6:00

Got out of my bed - 6:40

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing.

I did meditate.

I did exercise.

I did journaling on penzu.

I studied only for about 4-5 hours (2:26 minutes of classes + 34 pages of textbook).

 

Days without:

- gaming: 04

- TV / streaming: 04

- Porn: 04

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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Day - 5 of my journey to overcoming my gaming and internet addiction:

 

Today I did worse than in my last two days. I realize that blocking the biggest distractions with GetColdTurkey is very helpful, but certainly  not sufficient. Mindless internet surfing is proving extremely hard to overcome. No matter what I do, I will always find some new kind of distraction in the internet. I know that internet surfing isn't compatible compatible wit my life's goal, and I even realize it while I am surfing, but still I keep doing it just like I was under some kind of spell.

During today my biggest distraction was mindless surfing in some forums I uses to frequent: mainly here (gamequitters.com), nofap and thephylosophyforum. I even created an account in the later one (even if I am an ocasional reader for about a year, I did never create an account over there bedore), thankfully I realized I don't need yet another distraction in my life, deleted my account and avoided getting hooked up adding another distraction into my life. I blocked (probably temporarily) ALL online forums with the exception of this one with GetColdTurkey. I will probably unblock them again after a prolonged decluttering period, once I feel I am more 'rehabilitated'. I will also only check this forum once before bedtime.

I feel that my addiction and vices always go together, hand on hand, and while I was hooked in internet forums I even started to 'cheat' GetColdTurkey, by checking reddit in my cellphone at one time and searching porn in bing.com at another time. Thankfully I was able to resist temptation on both times.

 

I still have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, today I took almost 2 hours to get out of my bed! I just find the sensation of waking up and not having to worry about anything in the morning so enticing! All I want is to keep bellow my warm blankets with my little dog...

I also have trouble recollecting myself in the morning and "starting the day'. Usually this means to sit down and do 20-30 min of meditation after which, usually my mind is full settled down and I start studying.

 

Finally, I am starting to take notes of important daily milestones and difficulties. I know the most important part of my journey is my subjective feeling of well-being and progress. However, I can't think of any better and objective way of tracking my progress long term.

 

Facts of today:

Wake up hour - 6:00

Got out of my bed - 7:40

Started Meditation (got done with early morning chores): 9:50

Meditation: unable to settle my mind and had some worries about the perceived (and mostly imaginary) 'injustices' I go trough my life

Mind wandering/ wishful thinking/ daydreaming episodes: 11:10; 14:30; 15:20; 16:30; 18:40

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing (and A LOT of it)

I did meditate.

I did exercise.

I did journaling on penzu.

I studied only for about 4 hours (2:10 minutes of classes + 28 pages of textbook).

Subjective score for this day (0-10): 5

 

Days without:

- gaming: 05

- TV / streaming: 05

- Porn: 05

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

Edited by dasvira
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Hey dasvira, I am super familiar with the issue of internet surfing! Not sure if you are looking for more advice, but may I offer you an egg in this trying time?

Here's my eggs:

  1. Put blocking apps on your phone too, on any devices actually. Two is better than one, I use 
  2. Delete your accounts AND clear history AND if you go surfing again, do so in incognito mode so that every time you want to check r/nofap, you need to look it up through google, which gives you extra time to reconsider and stop.
  3. Have alarms at random times throughout the day with some annoying/motivational sounds- in case you are doing something that doesn't make you happy at that moment, the alarm could help you refocus and get on the right track.

Finally, I reccomend picking up a self-help book(Courage to Be Disliked, Psychocybernetics). Your video game addiction and other "unproductive" activities exist[ed] for a reason. Helping you understand what caused you to play so much in the first place(there is more than one answer) is like understanding what causes a disease. It will, ideally, help you find a more permanent cure rather than a treatment for symptoms.

 

Cheers,

Poch

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19 minutes ago, Pochatok said:

...

  1. Put blocking apps on your phone too, on any devices actually. Two is better than one, I use....

Thank you for your inputs! I already deleted non essential accounts and I will clear my history tomorrow and set up alarms.

What apps do you use in your cellphone?

 

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Haha thank you for catching me on that, my phone was turned off so I left it blank. I am on Android, so I use Stay Focused for apps, reddit, twitter and a few more websites(free version is enough, but paid one is worth it) and BlockerX specifically for porn.

Good luck 😄

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3 hours ago, dasvira said:

Day - 5 of my journey to overcoming my gaming and internet addiction:

 

Today I did worse than in my last two days. I realize that blocking the biggest distractions with GetColdTurkey is very helpful, but certainly  not sufficient. Mindless internet surfing is proving extremely hard to overcome. No matter what I do, I will always find some new kind of distraction in the internet. I know that internet surfing isn't compatible compatible wit my life's goal, and I even realize it while I am surfing, but still I keep doing it just like I was under some kind of spell.

During today my biggest distraction was mindless surfing in some forums I uses to frequent: mainly here (gamequitters.com), nofap and thephylosophyforum. I even created an account in the later one (even if I am an ocasional reader for about a year, I did never create an account over there bedore), thankfully I realized I don't need yet another distraction in my life, deleted my account and avoided getting hooked up adding another distraction into my life. I blocked (probably temporarily) ALL online forums with the exception of this one with GetColdTurkey. I will probably unblock them again after a prolonged decluttering period, once I feel I am more 'rehabilitated'. I will also only check this forum once before bedtime.

I feel that my addiction and vices always go together, hand on hand, and while I was hooked in internet forums I even started to 'cheat' GetColdTurkey, by checking reddit in my cellphone at one time and searching porn in bing.com at another time. Thankfully I was able to resist temptation on both times.

 

I still have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, today I took almost 2 hours to get out of my bed! I just find the sensation of waking up and not having to worry about anything in the morning so enticing! All I want is to keep bellow my warm blankets with my little dog...

I also have trouble recollecting myself in the morning and "starting the day'. Usually this means to sit down and do 20-30 min of meditation after which, usually my mind is full settled down and I start studying.

 

Finally, I am starting to take notes of important daily milestones and difficulties. I know the most important part of my journey is my subjective feeling of well-being and progress. However, I can't think of any better and objective way of tracking my progress long term.

 

Facts of today:

Wake up hour - 6:00

Got out of my bed - 7:40

Started Meditation (got done with early morning chores): 9:50

Meditation: unable to settle my mind and had some worries about the perceived (and mostly imaginary) 'injustices' I go trough my life

Mind wandering/ wishful thinking/ daydreaming episodes: 11:10; 14:30; 15:20; 16:30; 18:40

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing (and A LOT of it)

I did meditate.

I did exercise.

I did journaling on penzu.

I studied only for about 4 hours (2:10 minutes of classes + 28 pages of textbook).

Subjective score for this day (0-10): 5

 

Days without:

- gaming: 05

- TV / streaming: 05

- Porn: 05

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

I like the way you write about your emotion, problems and achievements in detail. I have a piece of advice advice for focusing and avoiding for mindless surfing. 

Method 1)

1) pick up a music which is good for focus (it is a good idea to find a really good one and stick to it for a long time; we do not want to change the music because the brain has to be associated with that special music for focusing)

2) whenever you are studying, listen to music. When you want to do something else such as checking emails, stop the music. Resume the music when you are back at work.

This will help you to distinguish between your main work and other things. When you brain is associated with a music for focus, you'll find focus easier and you will not stop the music to do mindless browsing. 

Method 2)

On top of this, I use an app on my smartphone, called Productivity Challenge. When you start the timer, you can not stop it for 25 mints. After 25 mints, you will have 5 mints break. This is a good way to get focus and stop procrastinating while working. 

I hope it helps.

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19 hours ago, Mohammad said:

I like the way you write about your emotion, problems and achievements in detail. I have a piece of advice advice for focusing and avoiding for mindless surfing. 

Method 1)

1) pick up a music which is good for focus (it is a good idea to find a really good one and stick to it for a long time; we do not want to change the music because the brain has to be associated with that special music for focusing)

2) whenever you are studying, listen to music. When you want to do something else such as checking emails, stop the music. Resume the music when you are back at work.

This will help you to distinguish between your main work and other things. When you brain is associated with a music for focus, you'll find focus easier and you will not stop the music to do mindless browsing. 

Method 2)

On top of this, I use an app on my smartphone, called Productivity Challenge. When you start the timer, you can not stop it for 25 mints. After 25 mints, you will have 5 mints break. This is a good way to get focus and stop procrastinating while working. 

I hope it helps.

 

Thakns! I can't actually listen to music because I listen to video classes while studying. But I will probably try it, next time I am doing questions.

I will start Productivity Challenge tomorrow and see if it works.

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Day - 6 of my journey to overcoming my gaming and internet addiction:

Still surfed in the in the internet today, but I can see some important improvements. I actually opened this forum two times out of compulsion, but closed it almost immediately thereafter; opened reddit in my cellphone for about 5 min and an internet forum about dogs for about 7 min only. But at about 21:00, when I was tired, I did some mindless surfing in wikipedia for about 15-20min. All things considered I am relatively happy because it is a big improvement from the last two days. I don't want to be a perfectionist and I realize that a little bit of mindless internet surfing is inevitable, but I still would like to do a 30 days no surfing detox.

Cleared my history and runned Ccleaner.

I notice that simply taking a note whenever I am distracted, help me focus back on studying.

Waking up at morning was easier and took me "only" 20 min to get of bed and "only" 50 min to do my morning chores.

First thing I did after doing my morning chores and 20 min of meditation was reading 1 (and only one) chapter of "How to be a Stoic" from Massimo Pugliucci and reading my journal entry from yesterday (from penzu app). It helped me to remember and internalize my goals and aspirations in life.

 

Facts of today:

Wake up hour - 6:30

Got out of my bed - 6:50

Started Meditation (got done with early morning chores): 7:40

Mind wandering/ wishful thinking/ daydreaming episodes: 9:50; 12:00-14:00 (exercise + lunch...); 17:10; 18:25

I didn't game

I didnt't watch shows

I didn't see any porn.

I DID mindless internet surfing (but not a lot of it)

I did meditate.

I did exercise.

I did journaling on penzu.

I studied only for about 6-7 hours (3:25 minutes of classes + 34 pages of textbook + some exercises).

Subjective score for this day (0-10): 7

 

Days without:

- gaming: 06

- TV / streaming: 06

- Porn: 06

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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I'm on a 24h shift today, but I got 3 min to post here, just so I don't lose the habit.

I had only 60 min of a break and I used 20 min checking reddit in cellphone (as I ate lunch). LOL I had literally to resist it for only 60 min today, and I can't do even that. At least I am fully convinced I am addicted to it.

On the plus side, I am completing a full week with no porn, TV, streaming or games (including gaming content in the internet). I had quit all of those before for a few months, but I can't remember if I ever had a week in which I didn't do any o them.

 

Days without:

- gaming: 07

- TV / streaming: 07

- Porn: 07

- Unwholesome social media and internet surfing: 00

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