Quitting once and for all.

[Julon]

Hello (again),

It has been almost 3 months since my last post and I had my biggest relapse yet.

Just before the school started (no more online classes) I got really depressed to the point where I couldn’t find motivation for anything anymore. I thought maybe playing one game for a few hours could help my mood.... Well I was wrong! I got back into  a game called Planetside 2  (a very grindy game) where I somehow still had an account with hundreds of hours on it. I got addicted again immediatly and until the school started I didn‘t even leave the house once.
And then school didn‘t really make things better. Because I was way to lazy to learn during lockdown, I had to learn all of the stuff about 1 day before each exam. That was one hell of a lot of stress. To cope with the stress I played everytime I got a chance and only started to learn at night (luckily my grades ended up being pretty good )

Hundreds of hours wasted on games later It feels like I have flushed all my progress down the drain. I have to start over completely.
 I  deleted every tiny gaming account  I had left (except a few I couldn‘t) and I‘m up for a fresh restart. I really want to start enjoying the progress, that was a big problem for me all the time. I‘m just too much used to having instant gratification instead of focusing on long term results, when something didn‘t work in a few days I already got frustrated. I hope i can be more patient  this time.

I‘m motivated to start again, going to keep you guys updated!

 

 

[Amphibian220]

Welcome Julon! Why didn’t you write at the first instance of desire to play games? 

You have identified an important stumbling block- lack of discipline. Can you say if you were living by daily plans and what they were like? Were they realistic and practical taking into account your different needs and goals? Were they ambiguous and uninspiring causing you to question the wisdom of following them?

Can you write in a way that is convenient to you what sort of issue caused you to lose fighting morale and go back to playing games?

Edited September 5, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Julon]

First two days went pretty good, I‘m starting to get back into chess a little. I played with my father, It‘s a lot more fun than I remember. We also bought a small drone to check if everything on the roof is fine. It‘s a good way to pass some time.
I just don‘t know what to do with myself when there is no activity I can do. I‘ll usually listen to music for a bit, but even that gets  boring. Meeting a friend often also sucks because that often means drinking alcohol or smoking weed.I‘ve thought about picking up a sport like fencing or some kind of martial arts, to maybe meet friends that don‘t always drink. I‘m just not the most social person though. 
 

On 9/5/2020 at 8:48 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Why didn’t you write at the first instance of desire to play games? 

I‘m like a different person when I‚m having gaming nostalgia /craving games. Rational thinking was turned off. And when I played the game  was to ashamed to talk about, that I let it happen.

On 9/5/2020 at 8:48 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Can you say if you were living by daily plans and what they were like? Were they realistic and practical taking into account your different needs and goals? Were they ambiguous and uninspiring causing you to question the wisdom of following them?

For daily plans:
I‘ve tried: Waking up early  maybe do some yoga. Then go to the gym (which I often did ). Then I planned some time for online classes an school. But it rarely worked out. 
 

I don‘t really have a big goal, everything I try ( like music production, programming  or mountainbiking) becomes boring very fast for me. Even though beeing good at those things would be awesome. I always want to be good at something but don’t want to work for it for a long time, without seeing instant progress, in some instances seeing the long way ahead makes me loose hope. It‘s funny because in games I could grind for hours and hours, but I could also see the progress and how much I had left until I reached my goal.

So yeah finding goals/sticking to them is a big problem. There isn‘t anything that really means something to me.

Edited September 6, 2020 by Julon

[giblets]

Have you considered gamifying your progress towards your hobbies such as music/programming/biking? In the long term I don't recommend gamification but it might help you overcome the barrier of thinking its "boring" because of a lack of dopamine/feedback loop.

 

For example, I took up Pokemon Go to get myself running and walking more instead of being so sedintary. It worked in the short term, I looked forward to running to different gyms and seeing if I could get there in time for raids and the such. After a while though, it become more and more about the running and I found Pokemon Go was getting in the way, so I uninstalled it. By that time, the new habit had stuck.

[Julon]

@giblets

That actually sounds like a good idea.  Last time I played this game was 2016. But how addicting is that game now?  I get addicted to all kind of games really easily, difference is, that Pokemon go requires you to go outside. And being stuck at home usually leads to playing games on the pc/ sitting all day.
It‘s a bit unfortunate that my house is a pokestop, so I could technically stay inside 😄

Edited September 6, 2020 by Julon

[Amphibian220]

Julon, good to have this frank answer. What is hampering you from seeing the big goal? Who are you by experience and education. What could you produce during lifetime to be of value 100 years after, 1000 years after. Research this question more.

individual goals aren’t serious. Any meaningful goal is supra individual. Just taking care of your body’s wants won’t fire you up with energy. Ultimately, you want to get into a real struggle to achieve something sublime and stun the cynics. You want to be young and fearless, if you grow old in this state it will be too late to be young. Believe this, the biggest betrayal of young people today is they don’t aspire to dream and be great.  

[Julon]

Last week, I‘ve tried my hardest getting my schedeule of going to the gym back together  and that worked fairly well. I have also startet to look for my options after my school ends (my parents also pushed me a little.) My first application for economic engineering is now out. Don‘t really know yet if I really want to do that but I‘m applying to many different universities now. So I can maybe choose in the end.
When I had nothing to do  I went outside and avoided sitting around . I really notice the effect on my posture that all the sitting and lying in bed for 8 years had on my posture, even going to the gym occasionally  didn‘t counter that.  Stabilizing my core is my big goal now.

Besides that I‘m now getting my full focus on my last year of school,  there has not been 1 year in the last 8 years where I learned without stress. Also doing my homework is a first for me.  I‘m lucky that my grades last year were really good because the last 2 years of school + the final exam count for my graduation.

 

On 9/6/2020 at 7:26 PM, Amphibian220 said:

What is hampering you from seeing the big goal? Who are you by experience and education.

Thank you for your reply @Amphibian220
Well for almost half of my  live I sat in a dark room playing games / watching videos for atleast 10h a day. I have not have had many goals/ experiences outside of gaming. Looking back these 8 years I have not much to talk about. I do have these arverage dreams of becoming successful and happy.

On 9/6/2020 at 7:26 PM, Amphibian220 said:

You want to be young and fearless, if you grow old in this state it will be too late to be young. Believe this, the biggest betrayal of young people today is they don’t aspire to dream and be great.

I‘d like that... But fear is  big problem, I get anxiety pretty  fast. Especially Social anxiety. Often I actually get sick when something  is unclear or it‘s a new situation. I know that mostly it‘s all in my head but it really limits me to do many things.  Thats mainly because of my lack of social live  the last years and having not so good experiences with uncertain situations. I can‘t even imagine moving out to go to university  right now. But in the  hope that it gets better i‘ve applied anyways.

 

 

 

[Julon]

Wow school has just startet this week and we are already preparing for a test Next week, last year of school is definitely going to be different.
 

 Always after school i feel really down and it really makes me want to relapse. But waiting it out for 3-4 hours usually helps me to get better thoughts. Don‘t really understand that, but I‘ll just do my best at avoiding any thoughts about gaming during that period, i mean i have relapsed like 20 times that way.
 

I‘m also constantly tired now, i can get like 8h+ of sleep but every „productive“ task bores the crap out of me and I can barely keep my eyes open. Yesterday I  made a study sheet which I forced myself to do.... I hope studying will be easier. 
 

Gym is also going pretty good , had an orthopedist which showed me how to correct my back, so I‘m working on that a bit more.

 

[Julon]

Another gaming free week. But consumed too much content again imo. Even though I‘m limiting my phone usage for the evenings, it‘s still too much. I also had a classtest this week and it didn‘t go that well, one of the main reasons being, that I startet learning way too late. (The day before). I now startet learning frequently again to avoid these stressful evenings. Still working on my discipline.

Yesterday I watched the documentation „The Social dilemma“, which I can really recommend. Even though I already knew how social media and big companies are influencing our behavior, ( otherwise I wouldn‘t be here) this film really showed the scale at which the manipulation is happening and also  the small storyline in the film portrayed my life more than I would have liked to. I wouldn‘t say it was an eye opener but it made me see the bigger picture and further extended my will to stay away from social media.

[Julon]

Well... shit. 
I lost it again. I have been gaming since Dezember again reinstalling/ deleting games over and over. Before that I was on social media all day - so not really better. I felt like shit every day and everytime I thought things were going uphill, the next day  „reality“ kicked in again and I was in this stupid rabbithole of selfblame and depression.I feel especially stupid because everytime I played a game, in the end I deleted the game because it was not fun at all. But still I kept reinstalling trying to get this „high“ back my brain remembers.
 

Anyways I‘ve finally decided to get a therapist, because I think my problems go further than just gaming. Sadly  it takes forever to get an appointment in Germany.
But journaling again will surely help right now, the best times I‘ve had  last year were  when I was journaling, keeping track of my schedule / reevaluating my thoughts.

Atleast I can say the past months were not completely useless, my grades were pretty good and they really matter in my last year of high school.

I will now try to look ahead, although it seems to be a specialty of mine to return to think about past regrets.

 

[Julon]

Day 1

Well overall it has been a great first day staying away from useless entertainment. I really wanted to start learning for my math lessons but procrastinated  by (atleast) doing other half productive things. I cleaned my room a bit and listened to music. Also stood up more, and now sadly my back pain is also coming back. I mean after sitting  2 months with almost no workout I shouldn‘t expect any different, but it was also a thing that got me really frustrated last year. To counter this a bit I did a workout in the evening and it was definitely better than my „addiction mind“ would have thought. It‘s way more rewarding... just getting started is the problem.

I‘ve also startet looking more into some other self-improvement stuff such as the Wim Hof method. I‘ll start to implement some of the routines from that method. I started today with taking two cold showers - lowering the temperature more and more until you get a real adrenaline rush. Gives me a good energy boost for a short time, can definitely recommend.

So overall I‘d say my first day in abstinence didn‘t go to bad. I know that this is probably still the honeymoon phase I‘ve experienced while quitting way to often. But I‘ll try my best to keep the streak going. 

[Julon]

Gotta be honest, I relapsed for one day after quitting for 3 days again. Good thing is, that I managed to use my time a bit more productively. Went to bed earlier, kept the habit of cold showers and had a workout 3 times. On the third day sadly I got my back pain again  from standing more. And well my usual reaction to any sort of uncomfortable situation  is gaming or browsing. So I tried to comfort myself by downloading  a game again. Didn‘t  have any fun at all and uninstalled it . Just stupid, but it happens. Still kept browsing  a bit to much  the next few days though.  But overall the last week was pretty good... For this week I plan to keep my habits going  and also add yoga to the list, because it seems like a good solution for my back pain. Don‘t really have a plan to replace  browsing yet though, the urge to just pick up the phone is just so strong sometimes.

What  I have noticed, especially cs:go and other gaming-related videos are a huge trigger for me and have caused me to go down the gaming-rabbithole more often than I like to admit.So right now I‘m just trying  to make sure I avoid gaming related content when browsing as much as I can. 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Julon

[Julon]

Just a small check in post. 
I haven‘t played any games the last week. Still my sleep schedeule is really out of order and I use my the internet to relax here and then. But I‘ve worked out 3 times and I‘ve eaten a lot  healthier. Lately I‘ve had really strong urges to play though. Especially today, I almost cancelled my steam deletion request to play one or two games. My mind tried everything to get me to play for one evening - Even though I know that that‘s not true.  But I literally couldn‘t think of anything else. But luckily I didn‘t go into „Just one last time“. Have failed at this stage many times though and I know this feeling is going to come back.  During that moment Gaming is the only thing that seems fun to me. But I should definitely stay away because now I have to prepare for my finals.

[Lobares]

Hey, 

Good luck on your way! I read your posts and I think its good that you try it over and over again to get to the right path.

It seems you are trying very hard to stay away from games, which is obviously good, but I see that those pretty common problems of replacing it with browsing and other stuff hit you too. I think you should try to focus on filling your life with other things, making alternatives. It makes it much much easier. Try things which are easy to get better in, so you stay on track. I always tried new things but it was so hard to succeed in these and thats a bad thing for ppl who are trying to getting out of that totally gaming focused life. For example if you like football, then dont join the next football club full of pros. Rather play with some newbies so you feel good while doing it. I mention that because you said learning peogramming etc is boring after some time, which is true. With the time you can do harder things again.

When I stopped gaming, it was really important for me to stop watching gaming content too. Because its like hanging out with alcohol addicts in a bar although you want to stay sober. Stay far away for that

Edited February 11, 2021 by Lobares

[Julon]

Kinda forgot to journal because school has become really stressful again lately. In exactly one month, I will have my final exams and I‘m really struggling to learn for them. Having learned the day before every exam the last 2 years, I don‘t really know where to start. I also get tired really quick.
I kind of made it better by working out every evening. It gives me the feeling of not „wasting“ a day and a little energy. At least I finished my english communication exam already with a Perfect grade last week. Thought I‘d have more anxiety, but it was incredibly easy. Living in the internet has at least given me some strengths it seems like. Talking about internet, I‘ve avoided distraction in the internet as much as I could. I replaced most of it by listening to music, not ideal, but better than constant entertainment.

Last month I also visited a therapist for the first time. It was just getting to know each other. In 2 days I‘ll have another appointment, I really hope he can help me improve my mental health, especially during the preparation for my finals.

Also does anyone have any tipps for getting up early? I always tell myself to get up early the next day, but in the end, I end up sleeping 2 hours longer than I need to.

Thanks for commenting @Lobares

Yeah what I didn‘t talk about is, how well I was doing at the beginning of 2020. I started going outside more, meeting people and tried out new stuff (even though I was still addicted) but then covid hit, doing new things got harder than ever, because nothing is allowed. covid really has made me more anxious to try new things. I know that I crave social interaction, but covid and anxiety makes everything harder. Right now I try to find small hobbies alone, but nothing seems to fit. I get bored after about 1 hour.
Your last point is also really true, gaming content is the worst! If I watch gaming content at one point of the day, I won‘t be doing anything else for the rest of it. It really wakes up nostalgic feelings that I‘ll never get back by playing games. If I watch gaming content, I know that I‘m going to relapse even when I tell myself that this time „I‘m only going to play for an hour“

 

 

 

[Julon]

I am soo exhausted...I started studying 10 days  before my final exams. My exams start  in 4 days now. I have never learned more than one evening before an exam  and I feel like I lack the mental capacity to sit down for a whole day to study. Learning something takes forever and most of the time I can’t concentrate at all. Also everything hurts... back,  neck and shoulders.  Sadly I can‘t take a brake because I started to learn waaaay to late.  I‘m really not doing good right now and I wish I could relax. But if I fail these exams, all the years are wasted. Corona has made this situation worse than it should‘ve been, I have seen nobody  and I  haven’t had normal classes in 2 months, it‘s really getting on my nerves. 3 more weeks of hell, can‘t wait.

sorry for the self pity, had to get it off my chest.

 

[Julon]

So, first two out of four final exams are done. Biology went pretty good and english was also pretty good. Well except for one part of the listening comprehension where it sounded like the narrator spoke through a toaster. Now comes the hard part, I still have to prepare for International economics and maths. Maths is in 7 Days from now. Learning still isn‘t my thing yet 😄 But knowing how well I did in english and Biology, I‘m not too stressed about the last two exams (yet) 20% in both exams would be enough for me to pass now (I‘m trying my best of course anyways.)

God I‘m going to be happy when this is finally over, especially now that it has been confirmed, that we are allowed to go to italy in one Month. First vacation in 1 1/2 years should be great. Even better that I‘m going there with my first shot of the vaccine that I‘ll get in 2 weeks.

[Julon]

Woke up early today, it‘s key to start early and stay away from my phone. Still motivation is hard to find.

5 learning Days are left, and the topic is really damn hard. I feel like I‘m getting overworked after about 2 hours and brakes bring me out of my flow. After a brake I‘ve usually lost all motivation.  I haven‘t found the right balance yet. All these learning techniques like Pomodoro don‘t work for me sadly.
At least a positive thing is, that my back pain somehow got better, makes it easier to sit down a bit longer. 
Just wanted to do a quick update, it‘s a nice distraction , haven‘t seen anything but numbers the last 3 weeks.

[Julon]

Fuck fuck fuck.... 1 day left and with  matrices I have one full topic left to learn, calculus and probability calculation aren‘t my favorite topics either...  I really hope what I learned is enough to at least pass.  I also really hope the exam is gonna be fair. 
 

[Pochatok]

Good luck! 

Po

[Julon]

Yeees! Hardest final exam is done. It was an exhausting exam, but I know that the grade is going to be good enough. Now full focus on Economics in a few weeks.

[Julon]

Wow, all my exams are done, I just need to get an oral grade now in 1 month. I didn‘t expect the finals to go so well, considering how little I learned. With video games I definitely would‘ve struggled a lot more.  I’m relieved and finally some time to relax is there. Also really convenient, that the covid situation has just gotten much better now and  everything is opening up. I’m going to the Gym tomorrow and small parties are allowed now. Haven’t seen my classmates in 3 months, gotta make up for all the time we lost... Weird thought, that I‘m gonna be out of school in 1 1/2 months after 13 years of school. What comes after  is still very difficult to say...  But I‘m just gonna work on my self for now and maybe discover some opportunities that way.

[Pochatok]

Love the attitude, and congrats on finishing up your finals! Stay safe and enjoy re-connecting with your classmates 🙂

[Lobares]

Ah nice to hear its going good! You start university or what are your plans now?

[Julon]

Thanks for asking @Lobares
Right now I‘m trying to find the right unis, yes. Even though the idea of going to university is still kind of weird to me.
I went to a school that had an emphasis on international economics, so I‘m currently looking to combine Econ with my english skills. International Affairs and Economic engineering are currently in my focus.

Also right now in this situation I can‘t really imagine going to another city so I’m looking  to get into my local university and maybe finish my bachelors there. Then the Master I can do in a different city / country (since my dream is to study in America once in my life)  But it‘s not clear yet, I‘d also have the option to do a voluntary ecological/social year which many Universities like to see in your CV.   I can plan more precisely when I have my testimony in one month.