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My Journey to Recovery


amchow
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On 6/11/2020 at 6:43 AM, amchow said:

Right now, I need to change my mindsets and habits before I can even consider crossing that bridge and not touch games until i prove to myself that my mind and heart have been changed. Until then, any plans i think of will need to be put aside and I need to focus on continuing to succeed at work and with my detox. 

Nice, Sir @amchow!

I've been thinking to play in moderation once in a while; but, I know deep down inside that I'll be sucked again by my gaming addiction. My goal is the same as well! Finish this detox then that's when I'll think again if I can handle to play in moderation. 😂

Good luck and take it easy! Get ready for 3rd week. 😁👌

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Thanks for the encouragement, everyone! I tend to be a overthinker and think too far ahead a lot. 

Another thing for me to change up and work on.. 😅

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6/12/2020 - Day 15

2nd week of work finished. I am for sure looking forward to getting a new office chair tomorrow. It's about time I got that 6 year old office chair replaced now that I will be working from home every other week until the Covid craziness ends. 

Time has only taught me what my triggers are and I am now having to face them head on. I must remember to be grateful and not complain, whine or get frustrated. 

Gratitude diary: I am thankful for my parents and what they have given up for themselves to give me the life I have now, my job, my team at work, the good weather. 

What I did today: Worked another 9 hour day today, did more learning Mandarin on Duolingo, watched a repeat episode of Blue Bloods. 

Still going strong.  

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6/13/2020 - Day 16

Today felt like a good day. Resisted urges and cravings to game in spite of unstable emotions (as I got into a conflict with my mom the night before). 

In all honesty, the conflict was my fault. I started a gratitude journal to begin reflecting on things I have and not things I think I don't have when it comes to my mom. 

On the positive side, here's what I accomplished: 

  • Got my new office chair for my apartment and assembled it myself so I feel very proud of myself for that as assembling something without my dad is a first. 
  • Learned how to talk about nationality in Mandarin on Duolingo. 
  • Downloaded Lego Build Instructions to use in Lego Digital Designer (LDD). Super hyped about this one as 3D modeling is what I do for a living and I adored Legos as a kid. 
  • Watched more Law and Order: SVU with my mum. 

Gratitude Journal - I am grateful for:

  • My mom and dad - All the sacrifices they have made to give me a future, the money they invested to get me through school debt free, and how they helped provide for me while I was out of a job for 3 months.
  • My job - the team I have, the better work atmosphere, and the desired subfield I want to go into for a career. 
  • My car - my parents paid for it fully so i could go on debt free.

Am planning to keep this up to change my attitude about my life and my parents and not just my attitude towards gaming and how I live my life. 

Continuing to go strong and look forward to a new future. 

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6/14/2020 - Day 17

Going to keep this short as I need to go to bed and get sleep for work at the office tomorrow. 

Good things happened today:

  • Did my usual learning Mandarin on Duolingo. 
  • Spent a good part of my day doing typing lessons for funsies. It's actually quite fun regardless of whether you know how to type efficiently or not. It's entertaining trying to get 100% accuracy and as high of a typing speed as possible. 
  • Assembled an old fashioned television in Studio 2.0 (Lego builder software) using building instructions I found online. Was quite proud of the end product. 

Gratitude journal:

  • My parents and how they have provided for me during the Covid craziness in spite of not having a lot of resources themselves. 
  • My job and the people I work with as well as the company I work for. 
  • My grandma and how much she sacrificed to give her kids and grandkids a future. 

As per usual, still going strong. 

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6/15/2020 - Day 18

Keeping it short again today due to my battery being low at the time of me writing this entry. 

Went back to the office today with Monday blues and returned home in a good mood feeling refreshed. I seriously love my new job. 

In the meantime, the time for my mom to return after being here with me for the past 4 months is approaching. In all honesty, with my mindset changing, I must admit. I will feel odd not having her here. For sure I will continue doing chores like I have always done (even when I had been gaming previously). All I know is I'll miss her. 

Gratitude journal:

  • My mom and dad - I'll miss them when they leave on Saturday. 
  • My job - the team I work with and everyone I interact with there. 
  • My apartment - Just having a roof over my head makes me grateful. 

Continuing live my life the way I need to. 

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6/16/2020 - Day 19

Today was a pretty normal day at work with the usual tasks and hee hee haa haa moments at work. 

There's one thing I am starting to notice as time goes on during my detox. The urges and cravings are starting to fade. I don't feel them as frequently anymore. 

They are still there. Not going to deny that. The strength of emotions associated with them are not as strong as they once were. Thus, I feel good that things are working out and continue to work out. 

Gratitude journal

  • My parents and what they have done to give me a future
  • My job and the team I work with. 
  • The roof I have over my head. 
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6/17/2020 - Day 20

Today was crazy busy at work and I found I love it. Plus, my team is very helpful and supportive in my development as a design engineer and I am extremely grateful for that. 

Still learning mandarin, doing typing courses for fun and listening to music. 

In a couple days, my dad will arrive to take my mom home and they will be leaving on Saturday. 

As much as I will love having my space back, i will miss them a lot and to be frank,  them not being here just gives me more incentive to carry this detox all the way through to prove that I can carry this on even when no one is around to see it. 

I want to keep going strong and doing the right thing for myself. 

Gratitude journal:

  • My parents and what they have done to give me a future
  • My job and the team I work with. 
  • The roof I have over my head. 
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6/21/2020 - Day 21

Today was a busy day at work and I like it when it busy. Time goes by fast. 

Parents are here now and I am enjoying time with both of them. However, both will be leaving for home this Saturday. 

Tbh, I am a bit fearful. I think of what I used to do whenever they returned home. Back to gaming in secret I would go. I am extremely determined to not let that be my path of action. Especially during my detox. 

In the meantime, I keep learning Mandarin on Duolingo, doing typing classes, building Lego models, writing stories, reading books and online comics... the list goes on. 

I need to focus on improving myself before I even consider gaming in moderation a possibility (without MMOs ofc). 

Need to stay strong. 

Gratitude journal:

  • My parents and what they have done to give me a future
  • My job and the team I work with. 
  • The roof I have over my head. 
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6/20/2020 - Day 22

Today was just a roller coaster of emotions, but I can say with certainty that I resolved to do something right. 

That is: No consideration of gaming in moderation. 

I had to again remind myself of the destruction by gaming in general and that I had to be honest with myself that moderation just isn't and will never be an option due to the addiction and compulsive behaviors tied to them.

 I have to go on with nothing related to fun on a device. No puzzles, color by number, match 3. At for the time being with those. But definitely NO RPGS. I cannot go back to those and risk getting sucked into an imaginary world. I just can't. Because it is not possible to moderate with those. They are designed to keep you in them for hours. Thus, i will never go back to that world. 

I need remember why I started this and why I need to carry on. 

For all the things i am grateful for:

  • My parents and what they have invested in me.
  • My job and the team I work with. 
  • The roof I have over my head. 
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42 minutes ago, amchow said:

6/20/2020 - Day 22

Today was just a roller coaster of emotions, but I can say with certainty that I resolved to do something right. 

That is: No consideration of gaming in moderation. 

I had to again remind myself of the destruction by gaming in general and that I had to be honest with myself that moderation just isn't and will never be an option due to the addiction and compulsive behaviors tied to them.

 I have to go on with nothing related to fun on a device. No puzzles, color by number, match 3. At for the time being with those. But definitely NO RPGS. I cannot go back to those and risk getting sucked into an imaginary world. I just can't. Because it is not possible to moderate with those. They are designed to keep you in them for hours. Thus, i will never go back to that world. 

I need remember why I started this and why I need to carry on. 

For all the things i am grateful for:

  • My parents and what they have invested in me.
  • My job and the team I work with. 
  • The roof I have over my head. 

Great post. Keep it up. Plan new activities. 

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6/22/2020 - Day 24 (Covering for Day 23)

I literally can't believe it. 

I was having so much fun yesterday doing things that are NOT gaming. I repeat NOT GAMING! And thus I neglected to do my daily diary entry. 

Nonetheless, I have never felt better. I was seriously wrong about how things would be after my parents left. I am actually embracing responsibility for my life for once and to be honest, it feels so good. Being checked into life is so much better compared to being checked out and playing games all the time. 

Looking back now, I missed so much. Yeah, I was there physically, but mentally, I was absent. Constantly spending time in that man made virtual world that wasn't real at the expense of being there for real people who I was with in real life. I can't believe I was even thinking that playing RPGs in moderation was good thing. That would never have worked. I would still have ended up trapped in there at the expense of a lot of other positive, real things I have been blessed with. 

Meanwhile, I'll keep enjoying the healthier new things I have come to love and enjoy.

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1 hour ago, amchow said:

6/22/2020 - Day 24 (Covering for Day 23)

I literally can't believe it. 

I was having so much fun yesterday doing things that are NOT gaming. I repeat NOT GAMING! And thus I neglected to do my daily diary entry. 

Nonetheless, I have never felt better. I was seriously wrong about how things would be after my parents left. I am actually embracing responsibility for my life for once and to be honest, it feels so good. Being checked into life is so much better compared to being checked out and playing games all the time. 

Looking back now, I missed so much. Yeah, I was there physically, but mentally, I was absent. Constantly spending time in that man made virtual world that wasn't real at the expense of being there for real people who I was with in real life. I can't believe I was even thinking that playing RPGs in moderation was good thing. That would never have worked. I would still have ended up trapped in there at the expense of a lot of other positive, real things I have been blessed with. 

Meanwhile, I'll keep enjoying the healthier new things I have come to love and enjoy.

Responsibility is so important in our personal development. It brings about importance, pride, and reason in our lives. I do best on my own or building something with another. Remember your post so you remember the fun parts of life without gaming. 

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6/24/2020 - Day 26

I had a whole diary entry written out here and thought I clicked the Submit Reply button. Either there was some sort of internet fuzziness or my mouse was being weird and didn't actually click. 

Regardless of what happened, I again apologize for not touching base yesterday. 

I was in a good mood all of yesterday. Today I woke up in not too good of a mood (probably due to feeling tired) and I started feeling struggles again. Thank God, I talked to my mom and talked me out of it. 

In the meantime, I have been active in building virtual Lego models in Studio 2.0. 

Below is the AH-64 Apache Helicopter I spent the past couple nights (in 2-3 hour sessions) working towards finishing the model. Rendered using PhotoReal engine (from within the software)

There will be more to come as I have building instructions downloaded for at least 150+ models to build over the coming months. 

In summary, I enjoy this hobby rather strongly and feels like more of an accomplishment than gaming could ever give me. 

AH-64 Apache.jpg

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6/25/2020 - Day 27

Today was a productive day. Worked from home and got stuff done. 

Continuing my daily Duolingo sessions and typing courses + Lego models + reading online comics (namely PPGD by Bleedman on Snafu comics). 

Still working on my current Lego model (B-Model AC Cobra). May not get it done tonight because it is a bit complex (even though it is a car). Will get the render pic on a future journal entry when I finish it. 

Achievements:

  • Made a conscious decision to identify myself as an engineer and not a gamer. 
  • Continued to stay away from gaming and the endless dream world that constitutes them. 
  • Worked hard at work. 😄

Keeping this short because I am a bit tired. 😅

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6/26/2020 - Day 28

Wow. Almost a month has passed since I quit. I look forward to Sunday as the 1 month mark (and more days to come game free of course). 

I feel rather good that this week is over. It's not that I hate work. In fact I love it quite a lot now. It's just been a busy week filled with lots of work + wrestling with slow systems and processing speeds with work tools. 

Did the usual daily items such as Duolingo and my typing courses for funsies. 

However, the highlight of today came not too long ago. 

I FINALLY finished the B-Model AC Cobra sports car I have been working on for a few days. (See below). The feeling of accomplishment is one I won't forget and it is surely much better than the feelings I don't even remember feeling when doing the dull accomplishment of beating a boss or a dungeon in the past. At least, this model exists as proof of accomplishment and all my previous game exploits have gone 'poof'. 

 

B-Model AC Cobra.jpg

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6/27/2020 - Day 29

Today felt like a good day. Was super busy with chores alongside a pre-planned zoom call with my women's small group from church and later a get together with my other church small group. Thus, lots of social time today and I felt fully connected and checked in with people. 

Aside from the social stuff, got started on a LEGO model for a tram car and started writing details for a fanfiction series that I have wanted to do in the past but never got to due to gaming. 

Tbh, the feeling of accomplishment from creating digital LEGO models is so much better than gaming (which I can't even recall how I felt because my brain was so numb) and it directly translates into the 3D modeling work I do for a living with the visualization skills required for it. 

Overall feeling good and I'll be writing in the Celebration section of the forum at the end of tomorrow to celebrate 30 days of being video game free. 😄 

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6/28/2020 - Day 30 

I feel so good today. Two main good things were accomplished today: 

  • Finally finished this Tram car model I've been working on for the past couple days (See below)
  • I made it through 30 days of NO video games!

Funny how 30 days ago, I was afraid I was going to have a hard time making it this far. 

But my journey sure is not stopping at 30 days. It's going to keep on going for the rest of my life. 

Cheers to more days video game free! 😄 

Amsterdam Tram (Yellow).jpg

Edited by amchow
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6/30/2020 - Day 32

It's funny how the longer I go without games, the easier the journey is getting (to the point where I forget to write in my journal because the days are getting easier). Plus, my mind is now so set against games that I actually don't feel good when people support playing them. It's crazy how being honest with yourself really sets you free from so many bad things. 

Plus, I am enjoying every new hobby I picked up and I am looking forward to the future + the 442 LEGO models I will have built in Idk how much time. It'll be a long time for sure before I even get ALL of them done. 

Work is going absolutely fantastic and I am enjoying everything I do for a living. 

I am grateful for everything I have been blessed with and will continue to remind myself that it is NEVER worth giving any of this up for games. NEVER! 

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7/1/2020 - Day 33

Today was a particularly slow day at work......

at least until the end of the day and then I felt productive with the flood of work that came in rather unexpectedly, but hey.... being busy is good. 

Another thing quitting games has done for me: I'm in a much better mood (or just able to deal with my emotions better and understand them better). 

My mood has been good and I've not felt any urges and cravings that I am aware of (or understand for that matter). 

Still continuing to go strong and win the war against video games every day. 

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7/3/2020 - Day 35

I need to make sure me forgetting to journal the day before doesn't become a bad habit. 

But anyway, Here's to more progress in my journey. 

Or I should be honest and say it is starting to become even easier. The longer time goes on, the more evident that it is that playing video games is no longer a part of me. In fact I am happier about it and my mood has just better overall and I've been more focused in general. Plus, my mind is clear and I go to bed knowing I am actually sleeping and my mind is being hyperactive thinking about games as I sleep. 

Not gaming has made my relationship with my parents less tense as they are very relieved that I finally quit for good and they are less worried about me (though they still worry ofc). 

And being game free has given me time to build a LEGO tank (see below). This one is one I am quite proud of. 

More to come with the models and I look forward to more challenges in building virtual LEGO models. 😄 

M1A1 Abrams.jpg

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1 hour ago, amchow said:

7/3/2020 - Day 35

Very nice! Keep it up, man! 😁 Glad everything is great! Nice vehicles by the way. 👌 Requesting for a rocket! 🤣

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