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piece of life, peace of mind


gargamel
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@Erik2.0 No problem! :) Thank you for being an active part of my journey.

Entry 37 (day 69) - certainly on the right track

Ever since I've started writing on this forum I tried to remain positive, constructive and motivated. Mostly I managed to do it. When I couldn't, you guys helped me get back to it. Over those 60ish days on this forum, I managed to embrace and instill a couple of important good habits and get rid of serious vices. What can better demonstrate this than the fact that I woke up in 6 am this morning even though I don't have any extrinsic reason to do so, other than my own will that wants to have a healthy and consistent biorhythm and wants to actually do some positive progress towards my own goals asap? Only a few months back -- sleeping was one of my favorite things to do -- days were spent, not lived.

And the thing is - I don't feel like a different person, I feel like I can finally start being me. That I can do what I want to do, to follow my higher, long term aspirations and be free of a kid inside me that wants instant gratification. I finally don't feel like a hypocrite, like an impostor. 

I can talk about all the subtle ways in which this is evident, which are many. But the biggest difference is my inner calm, my ability to be, at moments, surrounded by negativity but be totally untouched from it. Not get angry with angry people, not get sad with sad people, not get lazy with lazy people, but remain internally driven and composed. This is result of meditation and prayer.

I really don't want to sound preachy, I just cannot deny that God through prayer and meditation was my main source of strength, inspiration, calm and drive. I am scared to think where would I be now if I didn't turn to him and finally started a daily meditation practice (I meditated for years already, but without consistence and determination. I was more into reading the holy texts). I would probably be waiting to see my psychotherapist, hoping that a drug might help me fight my anxiety and enable me to study.

I don't want to think about it. A new day is ahead of me. I decided I will send a couple of e-mails to professors, go to the gym, clean my room a bit, and work on finishing a paper thats almost done. I don't have a lot to say about yesterday that I already didn't mention in my previous entry. Biggest thing that happened was that the people fixed my administration issues.
So basically, yesterday I:

  1. worked on one of my papers for around 2 hours
  2. sent e-mails to administration and to one professor
  3. went on a bike ride
  4. watched Ghostbusters (2016), a baad, 3/10 movie IMO (no offense if some1 likes it)
  5. contacted the delivery service I wanted to work for again. It seems they aren't looking for new employees atm. I'll try to find a job somewhere else then.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for feeling energetic. I'll try to honor that with using it for productive things today.

Edited by gargamel
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I'm happy to be a part of your journey too. It's interesting to hear about how you're not affected by your environment thanks to your prayer and meditation practice. That takes a lot of strength. I have my own practice but it's smaller than yours. I don't really like to push myself too much and just do a small amount of most things. Except tv which I do for hours. Lol. I guess even that I moderate some though. You seem relieved after finishing your exams week. I hope things workout for you with school. Have you checked out the superhero shows on Netflix? Some are good imo.

Edited by Erik2.0
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@Erik2.0 I am relieved, both because exam week has passed and because they fixed my administration issues. :) I am not a big fan of superhero genre, haven't watched a lot of them. For example, I like Black Panther and X-man: Days of the future past, but I really didn't like Guardians of the galaxy and Suicide squad. I've heard some really good things about couple of superhero shows, but I will keep away from them because they could trigger my binging mindset. I am satisfied with watching a movie once a week. Other than that, in the last 2 months, I have watched a season of Survivor and a season of Masterchef. Reality TV doesn't make me as disconnected from my own life as much as fiction does.

Entry 38 (day 70):

Lovely, simple day. I have:

  1. washed the dishes
  2. did laundry
  3. written journal
  4. researched a bit more into Taoist texts. Zhuangzi is on my reading list now.
  5. helped with making dinner
  6. read for my exams*
  7. cleaned my room and vacuumed the house
  8. meditated

* I went to a local rock bar where I used to hang around a lot to read, just to check will I prefer it over reading in my room. And I didn't. I stayed there for about an hour, reading and making notes, but I didn't like it. (I am reading Kant's famous Critique of Practical Reason, read it in my freshman year. Now I completely understand it's contents, which shows me I progressed over the years). Studying in my room is vastly superior. 

P.S. I haven't mentioned this, but I also have a plan of starting an educational youtube channel focused on philosophy. Around 7 months ago, before I started playing WoW, I have made some serious effort to create an idea behind a channel, I also made a list of over 30 topics that could be developed into interesting videos or video series, I also started writing scripts for a couple of them, gathering quotes and necessary auxiliary material. I started learning about video editing and youtube search engine, and I bought myself a pretty decent microphone. But as of now, I don't have time to invest in it. This will have to wait another couple of months.

P.S.S. Another 2 weeks of nofap done. Eaaaasy :) I maybe even consider going for a 3 weeks.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for having so much time to focus on myself and my own character.
Edit: It seems this was my 100th post on this forum :) I have a title "veteran" already ahahaha 😄 I like it.

Edited by gargamel
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That's fair. I think it makes sense to avoid fiction if it induces binging. I can see how it'd be easier to get lost in them vs. reality shows or movies. Good job doing nofap and making 100 posts. It's cool how this site gives you titles for being on here longer. Your YouTube channel sounds interesting. And you've put some effort into getting it off the ground so far. Maybe we'll see you do more with it in the future when you have more time.

Edited by Erik2.0
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10 hours ago, gargamel said:

* I went to a local rock bar where I used to hang around a lot to read, just to check will I prefer it over reading in my room. And I didn't. I stayed there for about an hour, reading and making notes, but I didn't like it. (I am reading Kant's famous Critique of Practical Reason, read it in my freshman year. Now I completely understand it's contents, which shows me I progressed over the years). Studying in my room is vastly superior.

Were you nervous about the coronavirus at all?

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@Erik2.0 Watching reality competitions often inspires me to push myself towards my own goals because I see real, normal people doing the best they can. On the other hand, fiction shows me people who are often either godly-talented or superhuman or rich that they make me fantasize about an alternate life I might have. Movies like LotR are an exception because they offer me moral role-models I can aspire to become like. So I often rather watch LotR for a 40th time hahaha.
@BooksandTrees Good question! The thought went through my mind at one point, it made me slightly uncomfortable. But personally, I am not scared of coronavirus. I don't suffer from any chronic illness, I have regular sleep, I am young, fit, I don't smoke or drink, I eat healthy, I work out and ride my bike on sunny days, so most likely - if I get corona, I'll be completely asymptomatic and not even notice it. On the other hand, I am doing my best to follow every reasonable measure to avoid spreading it, either to my fellow countryman or my own family. If my grandma or dad would get corona, they could be in trouble. In the bar, I was sitting by my table alone, on a safe 3 meter distance from everybody else.

Entry 39 (day 71):


Yesterday was a special day because I joined a Hindu organization that I have been following for the last couple of years. Hopefully I can help them out in the following years. Other than that, I have:

  1. meditated
  2. washed the dishes
  3. written my journal entry
  4. studied/read for exams

I haven't worked out in the gym. Actually, I have been slightly slacking in terms of my workouts for the last 2 weeks because I preoccupied myself with uni. Gotta go to the gym today and do some focused heavy lifting. Also, I should probably go hang around with people a bit, I am living a really solitary life (but I don't feel lonely at all). 

About Nofap: Yesterday I masturbated a couple of times after finishing my 2 week streak. And I have to say - I didn't like it. Masturbating just feels really cheap now. You enjoy it for a couple of minutes, you orgasm and - what? It's gone, back to square 1. When you are with a woman (especially if you love each other), not only does it feel better, but after the sex is done you both feel a strong connection with each other, you kiss and you cuddle and you joke with a smile on your face. Sex is supposed to be a union, a giving of yourself as much as taking of the other freely offered to you. Physical pleasure is only a fraction of the whole story, and on it's own, it's not even that satisfying after you manage to break out from being addicted to dopamine. I already started my third "2 week nofap" period, and I will likely push it to 3 weeks or a whole month. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful I am mostly free from any overt instant gratification. Not having those strong urges really helps in my daily life.

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I am really sad to see people come to this forum, start a thread and end up deleting their accounts after a supposed relapse. It's incredible how our addiction starts speaking for us and we choose willful ignorance.

At one point, all of us here were desperate to get away from games, because we couldn't deny to ourselves that we are wasting our lives, losing our time, disassociating form real life, getting depressed etc. And then a particular period passes and we start to have craves again, we had a bad week, some friend started talking about some new exciting title that's coming out, and we tell to ourselves things like - "maybe I should try moderate gaming"; "I could play games exclusively in social settings"; "I'll watch only a couple of twitch streams a month, there's nothing wrong with that", "mobile gaming is harmless", "online poker/chess is not a videogame", and in a few months we are back at it, ruining our lives again.

I mean, seriously? If you had such a big problem with gaming that you joined a forum that helps you deal with quitting despite living in a culture that endorses gaming, please remain humble and honest with yourself - you are prone to gaming addiction, and you will likely never be able to be like some people who just play a game of call of duty once a month with friends and be done with it. 

There are million ways to have fun in life. Get a new hobby, join a book club, a sports club, start planting flowers in your garden, start cooking, learn a language, go on a trip, listen to a podcast, sleep more, do something nice for your close one's, push yourself harder on your job, apply for a better job, work for a charity, meet new people, watch a documentary, work on your hygiene, go to a part of the city you never been to, learn about history. At least some of those things you would surely enjoy if you stick with it long enough... If you just "quit gaming" and continue your life as it was, you'll likely relapse eventually because you feel bored and monotonous. because you left a vacuum in your life and this void is a daily reminder that you "lost something", and that moment will come, you will forget about all the negative consequences of gaming that made you quit in the first place and start wasting your life on some temporarily exciting fantasy. Don't let it happen, rise above.

Edited by gargamel
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Your last post speaks to me. Encountered all of those things. 

I think the critical part is, that we have to stick to something long enough until the mind is reconnected
to something new. I read in a book on digital detox, that it took around 14 days to re-enjoy reading (or
something different). We have to put in the energy into something of value. 

Or in other words: "The grass is always greener where you water it."

So we really have to cultivate something new that can replace gaiming or any other addiction.
But I think the beginning of something new is always energy intense for the mind because it
has never done [activity]. So it's akward in the beginning but the mind will eventually adapt.

Best thing to start with this is a good job or business because it fills 8 hours of the day.
That's where my focus will go once healthy enough.

Edited by mks
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That's awesome you've watched lotr that many times. I could see how they're good role models. I personally kind of avoid the fantasy genre even though I used to be into it. For some reason it just doesn't work with me anymore. I like shows that give me a good feeling. That's basically what I go off. If I'm happy when I watch it I'll keep watching. Or if it's not too disturbing. I want to read more like you do though. I think it'd be healthier to spend more time reading and less time on the tv.

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9 hours ago, gargamel said:

The thought went through my mind at one point, it made me slightly uncomfortable. But personally, I am not scared of coronavirus. I don't suffer from any chronic illness, I have regular sleep, I am young, fit, I don't smoke or drink, I eat healthy, I work out and ride my bike on sunny days, so most likely - if I get corona, I'll be completely asymptomatic and not even notice it. On the other hand, I am doing my best to follow every reasonable measure to avoid spreading it, either to my fellow countryman or my own family. If my grandma or dad would get corona, they could be in trouble.

I feel the same. I wasn't happy with the quarantine measures the government took (I wouldn't care less if this was 2 years ago deep in my addiction), though it struck me they waived them quite quickly compared to how drastic they were at first. I'm happy to go out and socialize again, but it felt a bit strange.

9 hours ago, gargamel said:

About Nofap: Yesterday I masturbated a couple of times after finishing my 2 week streak. And I have to say - I didn't like it. Masturbating just feels really cheap now. You enjoy it for a couple of minutes, you orgasm and - what? It's gone, back to square 1. When you are with a woman (especially if you love each other), not only does it feel better, but after the sex is done you both feel a strong connection with each other, you kiss and you cuddle and you joke with a smile on your face. Sex is supposed to be a union, a giving of yourself as much as taking of the other freely offered to you. Physical pleasure is only a fraction of the whole story, and on it's own, it's not even that satisfying after you manage to break out from being addicted to dopamine. I already started my third "2 week nofap" period, and I will likely push it to 3 weeks or a whole month. 

I remember my first time (that I did it well, so it was like the fifth time total 😄 ). Words can't suffice. I felt one with the whole universe. If having sex is like driving a car, then masturbating is like riding a tricycle in comparison.

7 hours ago, gargamel said:

I am really sad to see people come to this forum, start a thread and end up deleting their accounts after a supposed relapse. It's incredible how our addiction starts speaking for us and we choose willful ignorance.

I think there are a few rare examples (like myself) who came on here and are clean since, although I had some attempts at combating my addiction before I came on here. Some people bounce back, some don't. It's a fact of life that it takes a few times to change bad / instill good behavior. Masturbation is a good example in me personally.

 

P. S. I noticed you confuse where/were at times, leaving a stain on your otherwise eloquent style!

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@mks I agree with everything you said. Getting into new activity often requires additional mental effort and it is not as enjoyable until you get used to it a bit, analogous to a complex piece of music that gets better and better with each listen. Also, yes, I agree that job should be the basis. 

1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

I like shows that give me a good feeling.

Me too! For so long I have been drawn to dark, disturbing material. I watched documentaries about serial killers, watched disturbing movies, listened to music about agony, pain and hate. I was drawn to it because I myself was suffering in various ways, and I wanted to also understand evil. But I left that behind and I only cultivate pleasant experiences. Hygiene of the mind, so to speak. Today I feel that one can easily understand evil simply by becoming good, hah :) 

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

If having sex is like driving a car, then masturbating is like riding a tricycle in comparison.

I agree. I think that masturbation [for us singles] only makes us more conscious of the fact we don't have someone to experience this with. 

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

It's a fact of life that it takes a few times to change bad / instill good behavior.

True. It is also a fact of life that sometimes people choose the worse path and sometimes you cannot help them change it. We are free beings, that's just how things go.

1 hour ago, Ikar said:

P. S. I noticed you confuse where/were at times, leaving a stain on your otherwise eloquent style!

Thank you for this! I didn't even notice I confuse the two :) I'll do my best to get rid of this. 
P.S. thank you for your compliment

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Entry 40 (day 72)

Things I've done yesterday:

  1. written my journal entry and later the post about gamequitters-quitters 😄 loved your responses
  2. washed the dishes in the morning and also after dinner
  3. made dinner (it was really tasty, I finally nailed the mash potatoes, one of the best I've ever eaten for sure)
  4. read Kant
  5. worked out in my room
  6. meditated before going to sleep

For the last couple of weeks, I often ended up meditating in the afternoon or before going to sleep, which I should change. It should be one of the first things I do in the morning. Let's make this my goal for this week. 

Goals for this week (13th-18th of July): 

  1. Meditate in the morning every day
  2. Finish two papers
  3. Read for exams at least 3 hours a day
  4. Go see my mother 
  5. Contact some of my friends and colleagues, hang around
  6. Translate the first page of my assigned chapter
  7. Contact various Jujitsu and Judo places to inform myself about schedules, training programs and locations

Daily gratitude: I am grateful that I don't need a lot of sleep lately. 6 hours a sleep is often enough for me, so my days are significantly longer than when i slept for 9 hours every day.

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21 hours ago, gargamel said:

Me too! For so long I have been drawn to dark, disturbing material. I watched documentaries about serial killers, watched disturbing movies, listened to music about agony, pain and hate. I was drawn to it because I myself was suffering in various ways, and I wanted to also understand evil. But I left that behind and I only cultivate pleasant experiences. Hygiene of the mind, so to speak. Today I feel that one can easily understand evil simply by becoming good, hah 🙂

 

Indeed. Cleanliness of the mind is important. There are of course limiting factors. Like looking for a new show or book to checkout you end up getting a little dirty from trying things that don't work for you. But keeping cleanliness in mind will always bring a good overall feeling I think. That's a trip you were into all that dark stuff. I remember trying out some dark thing too but in the end it just made me want to try to live a good Christian life. Now that I'm living it. I try hard to stay pure and good within reason. I'm still not perfect but at least I try to be holy. Good luck finding a good school to train at. I watched BAKI the other day on Netflix. It's a martial arts anime. That show is so gorey it's nuts. But it's kind of funny in the sense that it's totally over the top ridiculous in how good at fighting they are and the 'techniques' they use. Anyways. I like reading about your journey.

Edited by Erik2.0
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@mks I progressed a lot. Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back. I am happy with the pace.
@Erik2.0 I'm a reasonably well-natured guy. So my dabbling in negativity and darkness mostly just drained myself. I cannot say I did any serious direct harm to anybody else but myself. Although, of course, my close ones suffered because I had suffered. My ex girlfriend had to deal with my depression and my weakness, which surely hurt her a lot.

Entry 41 (days 72-73) 

Not much to say about day 72. It was a good day, except I didn't study for 3 hours. I have contacted some of my friends and colleges and this weekend I'm going to hang out with one of them.

Yesterday was... interesting? I would say that I dabbled with all of the draining things I've left behind two months ago, and by the end of it I was back on the right track.

  1. I woke up from a disgusting sexual dream.* 
  2. I meditated for an hour
  3. I felt a bit lazy and I started mindlessly watching youtube
  4. I got really horny while watching a hot yoga girl (I mean, this woman is incredibly sexy and seductive if you ask me) and masturbated (without orgasm) for at least 20 minutes.
  5. I helped my father and grandma to pack. They went for a vacation.
  6. After they left, I realized I am going to have this whole house for myself (I don't count my brother as a interference in any way). Almost instantly I thought of a couple of girls that I could bring home in the next 2 weeks for sex. Hopefully I don't end up calling one of them over.**
  7. Later my brother came and connected his PC with our big (new) TV set. He wants to play Tekken 7 and Dark Souls with his buddies
  8. We ended up spending 2 hours troubleshooting, trying to fix the refresh rate of the TV from 29 hz to 60 hz as it should be.
  9. After we fixed it I spend about half an hour watching him play Tekken 7
  10. Then we watched a few gaming-related videos. He showed me something from The Last of us 2, I showed him something from the Hollow Knight 
  11. Then we started talking about the coronavirus and we watched a few videos about it
  12. I went to my room, and for some reason i wanted to see what type of new pop music there is. Dua lipa, ariana grande, and some rappers.
  13. I got repulsed by the music (or, more precisely, by lyrics and videos). Almost all of it is about intoxication, "losing your mind", sex and superficial ego.
  14. I got repulsed by the way I spent my day. decided I indulged more than enough in this unhealthy world.
  15. So I read some holy texts and went to sleep with a peace of mind.

* I decided I'll skip talking about it extensively as I do with some other dreams. But in short:

Spoiler

It was an orgy with a couple of girls from my uni, it ended when I noticed a girl I was fucking was leaking some sort of sickly, stinky fluid from her vagina. Disgusting

** You may ask me why would that be a problem? Well, I am actually seriously repulsed by casual sex (which is evident even by the above-mentioned dream). And the girls that would come to my place aren't the type of girls I would actually want to develop a relationship with. I would maaybe tolerate casual sex with girls that I know for certain are exclusively having sex with me, but even that would eventually repulse me because of the lack of emotional connection and long lasting goal. 

Anyways, to wrap the whole story up. Yesterday was the day I got reminded of what I left behind. Indulgence, laziness, mindless fun, negativity and superficiality. Good things to leave behind.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful I have a large family.

P.S. I stumbled upon a video that summarizes hindu approach to controlling your mind. Incremental progress, acceptance, positivity, humility, patience. How this teacher said - "being a friend to your mind." Maybe you will find it instructional.

Edited by gargamel
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25 minutes ago, gargamel said:

I'm a reasonably well-natured guy. So my dabbling in negativity and darkness mostly just drained myself. I cannot say I did any serious direct harm to anybody else but myself. Although, of course, my close ones suffered because I had suffered. My ex girlfriend had to deal with my depression and my weakness, which surely hurt her a lot.

 

25 minutes ago, gargamel said:

I am actually seriously repulsed by casual sex ... I would maaybe tolerate casual sex with girls that I know for certain are exclusively having sex with me, but even that would eventually repulse me because of the lack of emotional connection and long lasting goal. 

I relate and feel the same about both of these.

 

That's quite the battery of instant gratification stimuli. It's good to have such a day from time to time to remind ourselves what we left behind, compare it to days we have now and be grateful for both of those periods.

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1 minute ago, Ikar said:

That's quite the battery of instant gratification stimuli. It's good to have such a day from time to time to remind ourselves what we left behind, compare it to days we have now and be grateful for both of those periods.

It made me appreciate my new ways of spending time and energy, for sure. Satisfaction from a job well done trumps any type of sensory satisfaction.

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I feel like gaming is a negative behavior that affects our loved ones. I remember when I played I was usually in a bad mood, physically exhausted, not cleaning or cooking. I feel like I was a black hole sucking in resources and giving nothing back. Even though I wasn't really directly harming anyone (aside from occasionally flaming someone haha) I wasn't a good version of myself and so I was robbing people of that better version of me. I'm glad you're not caught up in all that anymore either. That was a gross sounding dream for you. Sometimes I have bad dreams just because it's too hot in my room. I think the reasons we have dreams vary.

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@Erik2.0 Bad mood, check, physically exhausted, check, not cleaning or cooking, check! I love your black hole metaphor, I think I was the same. About dreams... yeah, we dream for variety of different reasons. But being a person that remembers most of his dreams, they mostly (in my case) stem out of my own emotional judgments, fears and hopes I have about myself, people I care about, et cetera. Particular "theme" of my dream is often highly influenced by what I am doing recently (for example, when I played WoW I dreamed of being a paladin in real life), but the psychological content of the dream is usually connected with some deeper connection I have with others or myself (in particular, that dream about being a paladin was about my connection with my brother)

Entry 42 (day 74)

One of those "perfect" days again. I have:

  1. washed the dishes
  2. written my journal while drinking coffee (I'm doing the same right now)
  3. did laundry
  4. read for 3-4 hours a book about political philosophy my colleges are publishing soon, they asked me to critique/review it, I am making detailed notes*
  5. meditated (in early afternoon, but I'm fine with it)
  6. went grocery shopping, ended up buying a lot of unique cheeses
  7. prepared dinner for me and my brother (first time I tasted portobello mushrooms as a side dish, they are amazing sauteed in garlic and butter)
  8. after dinner hanged around with him for an hour, we listened to some music
  9. read Kant for around 3 hours
  10. went to bed

I had very little "downtime", except after dinner. This is a sort of day that I imagined I should be able to have for years. But I couldn't because I would always be drained of my energy and attention with some useless youtube content, video games, porn and wasteful hanging around with people, drinking beer and arguing. 

* Their book is putting my in an awkward position. They contacted me because they respect me, and I respect them, but the book is quite flawed. I don't want to end up harshly critiquing their book without having also some quite positive things to say. I think I'll skip talking about some certain issues. Their methodology is eclectic, I fear in quite the bad sense of the word, and their historical framing of certain philosophies is simplistic and anachronistic, especially Machiavelli's, whom they read through modernist goggles even though he is a renaissance figure (and I sense they will not do justice to Hegel). When I think about it, I think their mentor is likely to blame (he recently wrote a book about Machiavelli, maybe I should read it) - its our university professor whom I respect, yet I think his reading of certain thinkers is highly limited (this became evident when I attended his Nietzsche lectures). So, if I critique some aspects, I could likely end up arguing with the professor, and I want to avoid such things until I am writing my doctoral paper.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful of my motivation to make these sort of days my norm. Hopefully this summer will be filled with them.

Edited by gargamel
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Quick update:
Today is the first day I broke my 2 week nofap resolution/vow. I masturbated a couple of times. I guess I was playing with fire when I started considering this restraint "easy". Oh well, I ain't going to look at this like it's the end of the world, but I need to compose myself and be back on my track. I just reminded myself of a this quote from Tao Te Ching:

"One who makes promises lightly must deserve little trust
One who sees many easy tasks must encounter much difficulty
Therefore, sages regard things as difficult
So they never encounter difficulties all through life"

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That Tao te Ching quote was awesome. Makes me want to consider everything as difficult. Yeah it’s good to not be a black hole anymore. Now I’m like a cherry tree. I produce something even if it’s small but I contribute. I’m kind of glad when I don’t dream. I like sleep without them for the most part. They can be interesting though and fun to look up.

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@Erik2.0 Tao Te Ching is filled with such quotes. It is a really wise ancient book. I like to sleep without dreams as well, but I feel like I need my dreams at least once a week, because without dreams I feel more disconnected emotionally. Maybe I write in too much significance to them, but it just the way I always was.

Entry 43 (day 75):

One of those "not too much to say" days. It was average and relatively non-eventful. I cooked again, made pasta with 5 different cheeses. In the evening my sister, my brother and I went to a bar to hang around a bit. I ordered green tea, lol, couldn't make myself drink beer with them. They talked a lot about our parents and their flaws, I also commented when I felt they are misrepresenting them, but at one point I noticed I don't want to be a guy that seeks faults in others anymore, and I asked them to switch topics. Both my sister and my brother are doing better then they were a couple of years back, so I am really happy for that.

I am beginning to really feel like hanging around and just "relaxing" with people in bars is overrated. I mean, I can only speak for myself, but I personally prefer reading or meditating at the moment. I guess my focus on inner transformation made me temporarily lose interest in others and their problems. Motto "be the change you want to see in the world" really makes you want to shut up for a couple of years until you become the best version of yourself and only then consider helping out others. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful that I seem to have found my patience. This patience about my life allows me to be more present and tackle problems one day at the time. Day has only 24 hours, some things need continuous effort. I am starting to "relax into" this obvious truth. 

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Tao Te Ching is cool. I remember reading it once. If you find significance in dreaming at least once a week then it's probably good for you. I like reading about your dreams on here. They're interesting. Something different from our daily reality to observe. Speaking only good things about people is the best. Not saying anything bad about others is hard work sometimes, but I know it's the right thing to do. I was kind of struggling with that the other day and try not to talk bad on my mom.

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Entry 43 (days 76-77):

I spent most of the time being in my head, considering where I am going. Trying to outline the way i want to live my life. I kept my house in order, and I felt relatively good. First day I went to my mother for dinner, and we talked a bit. I also invited her to the house, she need to take some of the old clothes she left here 5 years ago, so that's gonna be an another opportunity for us to spend some time together. I have been neglecting my relationship with her for a while, so this is important.

I watched The Gladiator. Movie was beautiful, 9.5/10 in my book. I personally think we are going to witness some very difficult times in the decades to come, so movies like that resonate with me.

Yesterday was also birthday of my ex. I wished her happy birthday and a fortunate year, and she replied with a restrained "thank you :)" It seems like she has a steady boyfriend for a while now, but she is never loud about such things on social media so I am not 100% sure. I hope she is happy. I sometimes feel like I am not meant to get married and have a family, even though I really want to. But I guess speculations about such things are meaningless. Life will happen one way or the other. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for all beautiful things in the world.

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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Yesterday was also birthday of my ex. I wished her happy birthday and a fortunate year, and she replied with a restrained "thank you :)" It seems like she has a steady boyfriend for a while now, but she is never loud about such things on social media so I am not 100% sure. I hope she is happy.

I'm sure most people would be delighted if they managed to have such a relationship with their Xs, because it means there is some respect between the two people. I know I would be.

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

I spent most of the time being in my head, considering where I am going. Trying to outline the way i want to live my life. I kept my house in order, and I felt relatively good.

I sometimes feel like I am not meant to get married and have a family, even though I really want to. But I guess speculations about such things are meaningless. Life will happen one way or the other. 

Having a family is not difficult compared to having a good family. I think anyone who has a bit of sense here on GQ realized that if they managed to spend X hours on games for Y years of their life and their family let them continue in that destructive behavior without much resistance, then their other family members likely had similarly severe issues to deal with.

I'm currently trying to put forth some vision for my life as well, but it's foggy and difficult, because nobody even mentioned that idea to me for a long time.

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