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Annie
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This is my first day. practically first night of quitting. 

I'm totally screwed. my eyes are hurting and i know I'll need glasses soon. i had headaches last few nights. if the application is calculating correctly I've spend 140 hours on the game last 2 weeks and i wish i was addicted to pc games like before. the mobile ones are the worst. 

I'm sick of it. tomorrow when the urge for playing game comes back, i just need to remember how frustrated i felt last night. i can read this journal as a reminder. 

I'm in a sick cycle. deleting the game every night and installing it again tomorrow. don't know how to get out of this loop. i hope this journal helps. 

probably it's gonna be way harder due tk quarantine. but I'm gonna take the challenge. i know why I'm playing. I'm trying to escape thinking about the problem i have with the girl. the fear of confrontating thw situation makes me wanna shut down my mind. and gaming is the best way to. 

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Hello, welcome to the forums. You're in a good place. Not like on the show though if you saw 'the good place' hehe. When it comes to quitting try to write out what your reasons were for gaming and your reasons for choosing to no longer game. That's helpful. Respawn is too of course, although it cost money.

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second day. I SURVIVED... almost

completely removed cellphone from my life. though i snapped for 5 min. but most of the day i was offline. visited my brothers family. and i realized I'm a very cool aunt while I'm not on my phone. they were begging me to stay.

i kept thinking about gaming half of the day. almost everything reminds me of my game. different words and situations. even "Feedback" 

"the voice at the back of my head" is like: u can just play for 5 min. it will be ok. u won't spend 10h playing. and I'm having a hard time ignoring that voice. reminds me of the quote from devil's advocate : "Look, but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow." 

there's no giving up a little bit. you'll fall all the way down if u take one step. 

but the idea about not using cellphone was the best. it's much harder to resist the urge to play when ur game is just 1 click away from u. but if it's in a drawer and it has been turned off, it's not worth to bother. hopefully I've overcome the pc game addiction. like a virus I'm immune to already. don't know how it happened but they started to feel boring one day. i kinda reached to their end. maybe it's because of cheats. if i use cheats i get bored of the game in 2 hours. but the ones where cheating codes are not an option, r the most addictive ones. should i look for a way to hack it? 

i guess Consciously being aware and overcoming the desire is the rational answer. just survive today, tomorrow will be easier.... or maybe tomorrow is gonna be harder.

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First of all: Welcome and good that you started your journal. Can't wait to hear more from you. Now to the topic:

11 hours ago, Annie said:

second day. I SURVIVED... almost

I want to talk about the survival aspect. Let's use the analogy of the ocean. If we call it surviving, that means that we need energy and effort to not drown. What does it mean to drown? In this case we might die. Therefore, drowning is the enemy, the thing to avoid at all cost. We can relate this to gaming. This is how addiction is often tackled. If you stay afloat, you are good and you are beating it. But once you sink, you lost power, control and basically the battle. Now you have to fight a long battle to go up again. They have tested lonely starving rats in small cages in the lab and behavioral psychologists managed to get rats addicted to heroine, up to the point, where the rats would overconsume so much that they would die. Why am I tellling you this? Because I would to offer a counterproposal:

11 hours ago, Annie said:

hopefully I've overcome the pc game addiction. like a virus I'm immune to already

Maybe, there is no virus after all in your body. Maybe there is nothing, you can detox from. Scientists replicated the rats experiements decades later, but with the difference that those rats were living in paradise: Many other companions to have sex with, very good food and toys to play with. Guess what, those rats ignored the drug and did other more meaningful things.

Maybe there is no virus inside you. Maybe there is no gigantic black ocean under you. Well in this analogy, there is the ocean under you, but listen: You are not drowning. In the case of addiction, when you sink a bit under the surface, you are still able to breath. The problems only start, once you have sunk so deep into the ocean that there is no light about you anymore. 

11 hours ago, Annie said:

and i realized I'm a very cool aunt while I'm not on my phone. they were begging me to stay.

But you are not so deep in the ocean. You broke through the surface and are now afloat, looking around, what else is there besides water. Maybe you see an island somewhere else. Maybe a ship to enter. It is up to you. Maybe you find that people look at you in a different way. Maybe you find a new hobby. Maybe you identity, what you want to do in this life and that gaming is just not so viable anymore to reach your new goals. No reason to count the number of hours of staying afloat (or the number of days of not gaming). No reason to be afraid to sink here and there. Relapse is normal. It is more important to look at yourself and who you want to become. Who do you want to be? Are you just a survivor or an explorer? One thing requires energy and hard work. The other thing might also require those things, but is mixed with curiosity.

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10 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

First of all: Welcome and good that you started your journal. Can't wait to hear more from you. Now to the topic:

I want to talk about the survival aspect. Let's use the analogy of the ocean. If we call it surviving, that means that we need energy and effort to not drown. What does it mean to drown? In this case we might die. Therefore, drowning is the enemy, the thing to avoid at all cost. We can relate this to gaming. This is how addiction is often tackled. If you stay afloat, you are good and you are beating it. But once you sink, you lost power, control and basically the battle. Now you have to fight a long battle to go up again. They have tested lonely starving rats in small cages in the lab and behavioral psychologists managed to get rats addicted to heroine, up to the point, where the rats would overconsume so much that they would die. Why am I tellling you this? Because I would to offer a counterproposal:

Maybe, there is no virus after all in your body. Maybe there is nothing, you can detox from. Scientists replicated the rats experiements decades later, but with the difference that those rats were living in paradise: Many other companions to have sex with, very good food and toys to play with. Guess what, those rats ignored the drug and did other more meaningful things.

Maybe there is no virus inside you. Maybe there is no gigantic black ocean under you. Well in this analogy, there is the ocean under you, but listen: You are not drowning. In the case of addiction, when you sink a bit under the surface, you are still able to breath. The problems only start, once you have sunk so deep into the ocean that there is no light about you anymore. 

But you are not so deep in the ocean. You broke through the surface and are now afloat, looking around, what else is there besides water. Maybe you see an island somewhere else. Maybe a ship to enter. It is up to you. Maybe you find that people look at you in a different way. Maybe you find a new hobby. Maybe you identity, what you want to do in this life and that gaming is just not so viable anymore to reach your new goals. No reason to count the number of hours of staying afloat (or the number of days of not gaming). No reason to be afraid to sink here and there. Relapse is normal. It is more important to look at yourself and who you want to become. Who do you want to be? Are you just a survivor or an explorer? One thing requires energy and hard work. The other thing might also require those things, but is mixed with curiosity.

thank u so much for ur supportive words. 

it reminded me on an experience i had a year ago. i tried weed once in my life and i remember i had many fast emotional fluctuations. and for me it felt like I'm flying. i had to move my wings and try hard to stay up there in the sky, other wise i would plung down very fast and feel depressed. since then i kept in mind feeling happy is a constant struggle. u have to force urself to feel happy when u begin to feel blue. 

the island was also an interesting analogy. it's better to overcome the fear of going towards the island. I wanna get rid of constant fight to afloat. 

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On 4/18/2020 at 3:52 AM, Erik2.0 said:

Hello, welcome to the forums. You're in a good place. Not like on the show though if you saw 'the good place' hehe. When it comes to quitting try to write out what your reasons were for gaming and your reasons for choosing to no longer game. That's helpful. Respawn is too of course, although it cost money.

hi Erik. unfortunately no. haven't seen it. I think my reason for playing was the sense of accomplishment. reaching goals easily. and i realized i won't reach real life goals if i don't start trying

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so at the end of third day. soon I'll lose track of time. 

i wanna write a bit about me. the isolation is starting to get under my skin and I'm about to forget who i am(is our identity defined/formed by interactions with others?) :

{{i just finished uni(I'm 24)and the fancy free world with rainbows and unicorns that i expected to happen after studying for 17 years, did not start. 

though I'm happy university put me in a situation that i started traveling for a while. backpacking definitely was a life changing experience. 

i  never was a professional gamer. just relaxed roleplay pc games mostly. and having waves of addiction (like playing for 3 month and being clean for half a year). after getting involved in my job(i started a hostel) i was busy with real life. short periods of addiction. but now it was all back again. the corona ruined the business. first i was binge watching series and then I discovered a nostalgic game from java time and then new games and etc...}} 

and finally today was almost perfect. i did everything on the list i sent to my accountabilibuddy. i did play like 20 min but i wasn't addicted. s1 recommended turning on grayscale and it worked. the game is officially lame now. 

i went cycling before 7 am. that was peculiar. watched series with my mom.  i started reading philosophical book with eagerness. couldn't put the book down. and i was being nice to my mom today for the first time in my life probably(she was sitting in the darkness, reading, and i turned on the lights for her. my boyfriend recommended visiting a psychologist due to such a sudden big change in my life when i told him about it! ) 

my aggressiveness towards human beings has decreased after quitting! 

today "the voice at the back of my head" was very quiet. stopped listening to him saying : every thing is in vain and any effort is pointless in this world. 

I'm gonna be here any way, better enjoy it without all the pain caused by hours of constant gaming. 

p.s: one side effect of quitting: i have hard time getting up. i used to get up at 6 am energetically. 

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First of: That sounds like you had a good day, which is nice to hear.

1 hour ago, Annie said:

since then i kept in mind feeling happy is a constant struggle.

Seems about right. At least to the degree that we say that happiness is a constant struggle, when we seek to be constantly happy, which is impossible. There are just those days, where someone is annoying. That is part of life.

 

1 hour ago, Annie said:

it's better to overcome the fear of going towards the island.

Can you explain this fear? For me, the perspective of a distant island can be something positive.

13 minutes ago, Annie said:

my boyfriend recommended visiting a psychologist due to such a sudden big change in my life when i told him about it!

When I showed first changes of behavior and did things, no one had seen me doing before, my parents and family were shocked. It seemed to them that there is a totally different person. So I think that those are promosing signs that you are already having some ideas in mind, what kind of a new person you want to be.

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6 hours ago, Annie said:

hi Erik. unfortunately no. haven't seen it. I think my reason for playing was the sense of accomplishment. reaching goals easily. and i realized i won't reach real life goals if i don't start trying

What can you do that fulfills those same drives? Sounds like life goals. 

Sorry your hostel business is on hold for now. I hope you find some good things to do to replace gaming. 🙂 

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even though I had a very productive day, i relapsed. played 4 hours. john planted this toxic idea in my mind that it's ok if u play games as long as u do your daily chores and whatever needs to be done. 

i don't want to save my routine, i wanna get rid of gaming. 

i used to think I'm very limited for doing sports living in this country, but i didn't expect corona to totally lock me inside. people are insane. everyone is outside. 

what i missed today because of gaming is reading books. i relapsed cause i thought i had it under control. I'm still too weak to have control over my mind. 

it's better to stop it from the beginning than struggling to stop it in between

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5 minutes ago, Annie said:

I'm still too weak to have control over my mind.

That is what you are telling yourself. And as long as you think it than it might be true. The question is: What do you have under control? And more importantly: What and who do you want to be in the future? 

I am asking for this reason: You don't tackle an addiction by trying to just get rid of it. That will create a hole, which needs to be filled again. Instead, you focus on something else. You try to find more meaningful things. New hobbies or passions. I promise you this. Without new passions, which I have developed over time, I would still game and eat crap. This is why I am talking about an island, which is somewhere to find, instead of paying attention to the dark ocean underneath you. This thing just looks scary and seemingly wants to pull you down.

So relax and take it easy. This journey does not have to begin with quitting games. My journey kinda started at the end of 2018. My first attempt to quit games was roughly one year later. Don't try to get rid of the games. Start to really think, who you want to be! Not just today and tomorrow, but even in five or 10 years. Who is this person and what are the daily habits of this person? Consider this journal to be your personal story, how you managed to become this person. From start to finish. Tell us your story. And be patient. 

And there is no reason to start writing the book from the beginning. Last friday was day 1 for you. Today is day four. And guess what: Please make tomorrow day 5. If you have nothing to say tomorrow or to write down here, that is perfectly fine: Then maybe tell us about day six. Last but not least, let me tell you something: My journey to get my eating under control started when I was around 15. I am now 28 years old. I think I got it covered by now. Do you know, how often I have failed in between? Probably more often that I succeeded. Still an interesting journey. I have a lot more stuff to tell about these things. But this is your journal. No need to spam in it too much. I want to read your story.

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@Annie That does sound like an addiction to gaming, and the main description of addiction is that it is something that has control over us. I know for sure that no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to control my gaming habits and keep them in moderation. Sooner or later, I would always end up in the same rabbit hole. For me quitting altogether was the only option to get back in control. I do agree with @Alexanderle that you need to have something to replace gaming with. However, gaming is excellent at fulfilling many of our needs, and you will most likely need several different habits to completely fill the void left by gaming.

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

back on the game again(the game of quitting). 

i guess i haven't wrote in about a month but things r different now. i found the solution. i already knew that i have to do it my own way which is finishing the game altogether. so i played nonstop but hopefully the developer haven't finished the game's main plot as it is on beta version. after the last mission it showed a message like this: to be continued. 

i felt relieved. nowadays i still play but like less than 15 min. juat checking on the game if there's a new event. 

and another key to my succes is getting control of my life finally. i am alone now. the guests are gone. my mom went back to her home and i don't need to take shelter in the games realm due to being annoyed by others. my lovely era of solitude has began. 

and i started macro managing my daily routin. managed to keep it going for more tham a week now(on my last attempts always sth would came up and mess up with my perfect planning and i would get pissed of and give it up all over). but now I'm in complete control of everything. i presume receiving sunshine and exercising helped me too. 

unfortunately today i overstretched a muscle again. going out for cycling is harder now, i found out there has been a robbery in the neighborhood around 6 am. i took it as a sign that cycling at 6 am is not a good idea. i guess finding a boy bodyguard could help 😁

so I'm in love with reading books. the voice at the back of my head has been shut up for a while now(it has been relaced with a constant dialog with my family members about our last meeting. all the things i wanted to tell them but didn't, keep repeating in my head, but they have decreased slowly. i catch up myself thinking about that day and start listening to music). 

i guess it wasn't one thing that healed me. it was a a collection of things, beginning with the game finishing, meditations, micro managing my daily routin, being alone and the sun. 

next time(if ever) I'll force myself to do these habits and everything will be fine again. as an introvert key to succes is living alone!

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so talking about quitting causes relapsing. also tried to quit eating sugar for one week, on the first day, i was thinking about sugar all day. 

i just have to forget all about it and act normal. usually i don't eat sugar(probably not buying it is the best option in the first place), but it's like trying not to think about the elephant. 

in yoga, they always say be gentle with ur body. and I've never been. I'm tired of constantly having sprained ankles and overstretched joints. 

the same mistake i made with gaming. always fucking up my eyes, or having back pains, or eating unhealthy food. 

have to care about myself after all. i grew this routin: i only play games during breakfast. daily check up doesn't need full attention, and i have to stop after finish having my breakfast. 

also another useful discovery: when u relapse and start playing for hours, just take a break and walk few steps away. ur mind will start realizing u didn't want to play in the first place. it breaks the chain. 

the voice at the back of my head has been quiet for a long time, and no more repetitive conversations in my head during the last few days(probably bc i kept myself busy) 

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It really sounds, like you getting your life together. And I agree that talking about quitting can cause relapse. Just like counting the number of days in your journal and forcing yourself to not do something. Bu I think you are starting to see, what it is about instead. Keep it up.

 

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How come counting the number of days in your journal can cause relapse? Isn't that a commonly recommended template? @Alexanderle

On 5/16/2020 at 1:58 PM, Annie said:

as an introvert key to succes is living alone!

Sounds good to me. Living alone is more expensive though. Are you in a 1br apartment?

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On 5/22/2020 at 3:54 AM, Erik2.0 said:

How come counting the number of days in your journal can cause relapse? Isn't that a commonly recommended template? @Alexanderle

Sounds good to me. Living alone is more expensive though. Are you in a 1br apartment?

because u keep ur mind focused on the fact that u r quitting and it gets harder to distract ur self. but non of these really matter. just do what works for you

my home situation is different. i have a 3 floor hostel. the middle floor where i live in, has 1 bedroom, but there are 2 more floors with bedrooms. kinda yes and no. my parents bring me food so i don't spend money on basically anything rn

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i killed a moth with my religious beliefs! the book was heavy enough. 

today is day 2 of second attempt of quitting. i just ignored it. i lost my log in chain even. after 50 days i guess. the fucking chain was keeping me addicted. it's gone and i don't care anymore. I told myself i can reinstall the game whenever i want now. but maybe a bit later... 

now I'm facing the real world. i have to decide whether i wanna be multifunctional or focus on 1 thing in my life.

last night i couldn't sleep cause i had a brainstorm about making the ultimate home. having a greenhouse on 2nd floor, hostel dorms on 1st and ground floor, a cafe in the parking lot. doing all the crazy DIY and artworks i want in this building and after it's independent from me, i start traveling around the world while i make money as an english teacher and then finally becoming a university teacher on aesthetics. 

but when i woke up i decided to let go of the building and become a hippy completely.

but the night after i realize i hate the idea of not having a home, where i can keep all my collections. 

so. I'm in a real limbo while i wanna play the limbo game instead. playing someone else's game or playing my own game? where i set my own goals, where my senses are real and more heightened. 

anyway I'm one step closer to becoming Immanuel kant. having an immaculate daily routine. and u know what is the key to successfully performing your ideas? not telling others about it, they will kill its magic and beauty. they find its flaws while u have to face them yourself. and they convince u to stop or give up. or maybe it's just my boyfriend... when will he learn to be supportive? 

fucking scared of corona rn. should be more strict. we r doomed... 

Strangely and slowly I'm regaining my hope for humanity 

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I hope your bf becomes more supportive. It's a journey that some people do eventually make. My mom took forever and lots of prodding before she became more supportive. Today she's better, but relapses into meanness when she's having a bad day. Better overall though. 

Good luck with the game quitting. I know it's a process.

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@Erik2.0good point. he needs time

every thing is awesome, dubs, dubs, dubs... (with the lego movie rhythm). 

i feel kinda mature now(my birthday was few days ago). like I'm too old to play games. old enough not to listen to people telling me how things not gonna happen this or that way. 

i came up with this idea: setting a date with my friend Augustin , to go on a rock climbing trip, exactly 3 years from today. 

the kinda trips that  u have to make your tent hanging from the cliffs. so since he is a pro already, I'm gonna have to practice hard every day. i found a gym and i can start asap my foot is recovered. i even realized one of my friends husband, used to go rock climbing. she asked me to take him with me! though he is religious and a bit cold... 

anyway the image of me sleeping in a tensile in 3 years, gives me a feeling of joy. like the ones u get after trying so hard in a game to unlock sth... 

so this is my perfect game replacement. new addiction. 

though my human relationships haven't gotten any better. i start shitting on family members after they added me in a whatsapp family group. these lame ones where they forward amy random bulshit they see on internet. i wonder if it is only a third world countries problem. 

human beings are boring and lame....i think I'm better of chatting with robots, or my boyfriend! ...(I'm not complaining but i think robots are more delicate and understanding in this case) 

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1 hour ago, Annie said:

.i think I'm better of chatting with robots, or my boyfriend! ...(I'm not complaining but i think robots are more delicate and understanding in this case) 

I think they make a robot boyfriend in Japan. Haha. I'm sure there are positive qualities you see in him or you wouldn't be with him. I'm glad to hear you're looking to get into rock climbing. I know @BooksandTrees is into that and he really likes it. I don't know the struggles of family chatting. I only talk to my mom from my family pretty much. Rarely I check in with my dad and I don't really care to do much more than that. I hope your new excursion goes well. Be careful out there.

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I like rock climbing and support you doing it once the virus ends. The community is very friendly and it's actually majority female. So you don't have to worry about toxic guys around. Even the guys who look like they'd be bros are just muscular and friendly. My friend group at my rock gym is a group of maybe 15 people and I'm one of 4 men. Video games it's 95% men and a little toxic in my opinion.

I rock climb because it's 100% social, which was why I gamed. I want attention and community. But I also enjoy physically exerting myself, setting goals, tracking my progress, and not having a mentally exhausting hobby. I can just zone out and climb and not think of creating something like my cartoons or a book. It's not a consuming hobby. It's an exerting hobby that is still fun. 

As for the boyfriend situation, I haven't been following your diary much. I'm not sure how old you two are, but if he's not supporting you quitting games then he's a problem and you need to move on. I know I'm sounding harsh, but it's the truth. Most gamers who attack you for quitting games are getting offended that you're quitting. They have their own issues like regret about not spending their time properly, lacking responsibilities and neglecting things in life, etc. They escape all of their pain in gaming and just want others with them because misery loves company.

You're making all of these life changes with eating habits, lifestyle habits, and hobbies and if you're not with someone who supports and also thrives in this lifestyle choice you're making then they're going to hold hostility towards you and try to hurt your progress. If he is causing relapses or talking about games then just move on. It's not worth listening to because they're being selfish. 

Also, I noticed you were trying to quit a lot of other things. I don't recommend quitting a lot of things at once. Picture cleaning your home for a moment. Once you start cleaning your bedroom you become in the mood to clean EVERYTHING. So you start cleaning the living room, dining room, kitchen, bathrooms. Now your whole house is clean and it took 1 day.

That's not how your mind works. Quitting games takes 6-12 months before you stop craving things full time. That's only if you're avoiding triggers and dealing with stress properly. So if you try to quit eating sugar, watching porn, smoking, playing games, doing drugs, drinking, social media, etc. all at once then you're going to utterly collapse and relapse on almost all of them.

I suggest reading my post about quitting games for over 500 days in the celebration threads. Treat your addictions like the legs of a chair. If you break one leg of the chair (gaming) then replace it with the reason you gamed. If you game for social reasons, replace it with a social activity. Now you have 4 legs to sit on again. Once you trust the new leg, break another chair (drugs) and replace it with something that soothes the reason you do drugs and so on.

Good luck.

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@BooksandTrees

it's interesting that mostly women do rock climbing in ur Country. but here is the opposite. but still they r all friendly people. 

my boyfriend is supportive about quitting and everything, but when i said I'm gonna delete all the games and completely quit, he said that's not how quitting works, u have to gradually decrease. u will never be able to quit like that... i used to listen to him and believe it. but i realized there are many ways to do everything u want. thanks for the guidance , I'll read the post you mentioned. i guess you're right. i should go one by one 

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the desire is back. though I know I'm not gonna relapse. 

my sleeping habits are getting worse. can't fall sleep and can't get up. i think it's just corona depression partially. today is officially my 5th day. i like the number tracking. specially when u can beat your own records. i guess my last record was 1 year. only 360 more to go... found out there's another topic in this forum for achievements. 1 month, 3 month, 1 year... can't wait to write there. 

finally I'm missing social life. after 5 month. there's so much an introvert can take. i wish i knew how the mind works, before going to sleep I'm so motivated and wanna conquer the world, but when i get up, feels like i have dropped from another planet.

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