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Journal enteries where i contemplate video games and my life in general

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90 Day Detox jurnal

So i am on day 8 on my 90 day detox journey and started my jurnal in private on my computer because i am quite shy and do not like to seek attention, having social anxiety does not help eter, and english i not my main language and i am embaresed iritated when i do not writh correctly...

But i decided to share, so here is the 3 days i have loged so far. (i think its best fore me to write somting when i feel the urge to write.)

Day 1 (04.06.19)
I am committed to a 90 day detox with no playing of video games alone, it is okey to play multiplayer games with friends when i visit them or they visit me. (1-3 times a week)
I want to compleatly phase out seartching for video game news online and watching video game related videos on youtube, this has been a problem for me for a number of years now.
I have hiden away my console and deleted all accounts on pc, i also rearanged my living room so that the tv is to the left of the sofa making it (in my mind) less important.
My goal in the 90 day detox is to become more active an go outside more.
Things i am planing to do more of/ learn: play board games with friends, reading books, go on walks in the woods/park/mountain, bicycle riding, learn Kendama, get more into music specifically with getting a record player and collect LP records, and also to get more into politics again.
My goal after the 90 days detox is that i can play 2-3 games a year but i reduce the significance of video games in my life so that other things become more important.


Day 6 (09.06.19)

Thing i have been doing since last time:
- I started a gym membership again and worked out 2 times (arms + chest and back), read about existentialism philosophy, minimalism, anti-consumerism, Materialism and also started on the updated working program for the political party i am a member in.
- I went more outside more and i rode my bicycle/walked almost every day.
- I went to second hand stores and bought a few clothing items that i needed.
- Meditated 1 times for 8 minutes. (want to establish a daily rutine)
- Made an effort to resycle my waste and feel like i its almost perfect.
- Cleaned much more at home, organiced my clothing chabinet and my food cabinet.
- Enjoying music and exploring jazz, japanese Citypop, vaporvawe ect, and actually also dancing/ moving a little.
- Delivered two plastic bags with clothes and books i did not want/need anymore to a second hand store, with 10 more bags with different stuff to be delivered.
- Developed a minimalist/anti-consumerism/environmentally friendly mindset that i had around 4 years ago, that i want to develop further and keep this time.
It is better to focus on using money on food and EXPERIENCES than things, you do not need to own books, the information you may be looking for can be found at the library or the internet.
Music can be found on youtube or spotify, your want for a record player and LP records are silly, it will only take up space, mental energy and money you could be saving or using a better way.
Same with video games (after the 90 day detox) there is no need for buying a physical copy of a game and i feel like i have experienced every video game anyway, so if i can eliminate the urge to have somthing to play all the time then i can do what i want and that is:
Only buy a game if its really interesting and new (to you),.. but then the problem is to know if a game is for me then i have to know about it, and that means i have to read about games, but that can leed to a "searching compulsion for new games" and that is somthing i definitly dont want.
So do i have a solution for me?
one thing could be to cut out all information about games exept if my friends mention anything and E3 every year, i have a nintendo switch so i could watch the Nintendo E3 direct and not anything else.
But i have to be very cerfull with this, i know that in the past i have obsessd over a upcoming game and i have also been thinking of what i sould play next before i had compleated the game i was playing.
This i very trubbeling behavior to me... i do not have this problem with movies, i never read about upcoming movies or watch trailers on youtube.
But as i mentioned it feels like i have played every game that is out and that is coming out, every genre have hundrets of copies of the same game with a different setting and characters, i also feel like games are not engaging enugh to last as long as they do.
My favorite movies are a tightly constructed experience that tap into different human emotions, games on the other hand have a single focus,...you are overcoming obsticles that are in the way.
All Video games are about overcoming obstacles that are in the way.
thats enough about games.
it feelt good to write down my thoughts on this subject.

But now i feel its best to distance myself from this topic and engage in other subject mentaly and physicaly.
I feel like i  have been sleeping for a lot of years and finally started to wake up.


Day 8 (11.06.19)

So i watched nintendos E3 direcct presentation today (i planed to watch it before and when i decided to do the 90 day detox) and everything was power fantasy or gameplay styles i have played before, i feel like i have dictanced myself a little bit from games and i like it.
I have no decire to buy and play any of the games they showed exept animal crossing.
The rest i am happy that i am not that interesting in, sure there was some interesting games but then i remembered similar games i have played before and they are battle focused games, i have played so many games where i was the "hero" saving the world... i think i am done with games like that, that fits nicely with my 1-3 game a year goal.
If i can only get rid of my previus desire to play a game just because i want to play somthing then i think it will be perfect, also if i can play a few games a year with months between games where i dont tink about games or seartch about video game news or watch videos.
I am also contemplating Volunteering for politics or another cause or both, i think it will be nice to help a good cause and also comunicating and geting to know new people, it can help taming my social anxiety.
At least i will go to political meetings. (one is on  17. june)

i licensed to The Souljazz Orchestra and Au Pairs and danced around for a while, it fealt great, will defenitaly do more of that.


I am also trying to limit my youtube use and are thinking about why i "need" to watch videos every day, why cant i watch 1 film a week and dont watch any videos on youtube expet if i want to learn somthing (Kendama tricks that i want to learn when i get it), somthing to think about.






Edited by Epux
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Thank you fawn_XOXO i really apreciate it.


Day 9

Feelt a little bored today and caught myself thinking that i wanted to play a video game, it was not a big desire but still.

  I am thinking that my desire to play will go up and down from time to time, until now it has gone great because it was exiting to engage in new activeies that was not video games related.

Some friends was over and one of them wanted to watch a video of new games from E3, i let them watch it while i also watched/ played with a rubix cube, i was very pessimistic about almost all the games that was shown and the one that looked interested in i was thinking that i would rather watch a movie like it.


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Day 10 and 11

So day 10 started very good, i was outside a lot and rode my bicycle for 1 hour and walked a around a lake and in the woods for 3 hours.
But then when i came home i started to "work" on my computer, researching for a new browser and finding Tor Browser, changing passwords on a lot of different sites i use, making sure every password was different and long, changing my email address to a new one and registered my new email to a lot of sites i use/have used.
And i deleted my psn account or i changed my name,address,psn name etc. to something like: sfdsepoakef, since i apparently could not delete it. (I could maybe call them but i do not want to do that.. i it so hard to let us delete our account ouerself if we want, or have a email to contact/online chat....)
All this may sound okey, i secured myself more online and got rid of a another game related account.

But i think i came home around 22:00 and "worked" on my computer all night from 23:00 to 09:00, that's 10 hours.... what?...was it really that long... it was at least 8 hours..
Anyway i remember thinking around 5 in the night that i should just stay ut the whole next day and getting to bed the next night, well i did not do that and went to bed after i was finished with my computer and woke up around 15:30 on day 11.
( If you are curious to know, i am currently sick from work and that's why "it did not matter when i went to bed" )
I was feeling shitty all day and my memory is kind of hazy from that day, i watched a movie and the usual stuff, eating, taking a shower ect. and went to bed early.


Day 12
So i think the last two days have something to do with my 90 day detox, first it was the way i wanted exercising and being outside more and then the complete opposite with hours on the computer and inside all day the next day.
So what do i take away from this? what am i telling myself?
i am more vulnerable than i think i was, video games took up more of my thinking than i thought, and since i "could not" play, read about or watch videos about games i found another outlet.
I had more urges today to search for video game news and i was very close but i wrote this diary entry instead.
If i watch video game news/ videos and dont control myself, i get carried away and consume more than i want and that leeds to even more desire to buy new games.
but other than that i am back where i was before day 10, i went outside on a small bicycle trip and read a little bit in the Existentialist philosophy book i borrowed from the library.
Having a little difficulty finding a replacement to video games at the moment and am a little more tiered than when i started the 90 day detox ( i got more tiered around day 7 i think ) i have been thinking about some activities to do like: exercising in the gym, walking/riding my bicycle, learning kendama, learning an instrument, reading more.
But what about when i don't want to do that and when i am at home bored, i have cut down my youtube use and am contemplating to stop using it completely with one exception, only watch video on youtube to learn a specific topic that i can use practically like learning kendama tricks or learning to play new notes on guitar ect.
I did leave Netflix and HBO and go over to Mubi, because the former have to much content ( same with Youtube ) and i find myself going into those services to watch just because i am bored and want to do something, anything.

 I think that restrictions can be an extremely healthy and good thing for everybody and i think if i manage to restrict my movie/ tv-series consumption to Mubi, the movies i own on blu-ray, the cinema and the library then i am hoping that it will pressure me to be more active and not sit in front of a screen to much.
Same goes for Video games, if i can stick to my goal (after the 90 days detox) that i can only play 3 video games in a year, i am still a little lenient on the number, maybe its more realistic to set a hard stop at maybe 8 games? NO...okey i will set my hard stop number at 5 games a year.

Anyway if i stick to my restriction then i know that that is all i can play and there is nothing more, and i am hoping that i will change my mindset before i start to play again from thinking/feeling that i "have to play something all the time" to playing a game on and off for a month and taking a break for 4 months not thinking about video games and doing other stuff, and then maybe looking for a game to play on one day and if i do not find something that i want to play then forget about games and continuing to do other stuff for several more months.

The key here is that i want to still play video games but make it an occasional activity that i do a few times a year and while i don't play i want to not be caught up in thinking about games every day.






Edited by Epux

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Day 13

So i succumbed to my desire to consume video game related media and went to two websites and watched a few videos on youtube, but i did maybe use one hour on everything.

I deleted my xbox account and sent an email to Nintendo for the same purpose. 

My desire to play video games still lingers but when i think about playing a new game i find myself thinking that whats the point? I have basically played almost all games that have come out and games that are coming out in the future.

And by that i mean that i have played a lot of different games in different genres and they are all fundamentally the same, sure there are a different setting different characters, story etc. but the core gameplay are almost exactly the same in hundreds of games, and stories in games are a joke in comparison to films.

Video games in general explore a very narrow gameplay and story structures, there is horror, exploring, strategy and power fantasy, usually a character that have to save the world.

I was watching a video on youtube today and they mentioned that the games we play usually represent something we want in real life, and it got me thinking, what kind of games have i enjoyed and what do they sey what i want?

I have really enjoyed a games where i play as a character that interacts with other characters and we are in a peaceful place playing and exploring nature together, so it clearly means i want more meaningful connections with other humans, maybe travel, be more playful and child like.



Edited by Epux
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