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Ikar

Ikar's Diary

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Day 15:

In the morning, I went for the groceries. I watched ep. 11 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. Then I wanted to eliminate some tabs out of my browser, but I just ended up watching Tai Lopez for the rest of the morning, taking some notes in the meanwhile, because he made some good points in his videos.

Unfortunately, around lunch time, when I was doing a phone cleanup, a photo of my ex showed up and I remembered she didn't reply on my honest reflections about the relationship, what went good, what went wrong etc. Therefore, I got disrupted for a few hours, talking to friends, taking a walk and generally figuring out what to do, as I am 99% sure there's no reply coming.

There goes the vow of support she gave me on Day 2. Funny, I remember when I was like her. Not anymore. What brought us together also tore us apart. I am inclined to believe now that any attempts to deliver a message with my name would just build up resentment in her, so I'll either opt for something very, very subtle or put her into the "year and a day" program. Nevertheless, I forgive her.

"Year and a day" program has run it's course for a girl I randomly started talking to on a train about a year ago. We ended up after the following FB conversation in a slight dislike. I coined the promise of writing her in a year and so I wrote her yesterday. Oddly enough, she's responsive and shared some insights on going abroad.

In the evening, I English taught a young kid in a nearby village. He looks like a cool guy. Shame he's somewhat shackled by modern technology and "modern" school system.

There are no happy endings. Unless I fight for them. I will fight then.

Schedule coming up tomorrow.

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Day 16 morning:

I released this morning which I am not 100% happy with. I'll commit to a week-long "NoFap" then, as doing it once a week is more time efficient and more pleasurable too.

I watched ep. 12 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I did some more "lifestyle business" research and I think I can tackle it, as I really enjoy being at home, studying, making myself more knowledgeable, working out and overall progressing towards a better life. I feel like I am tearing down barriers of the old me and I'm far more confident in exploring the unknown.

On a related note, I might want to scan for a more checklist-based schedule that some people have around the forums. I slacked on language learning for a few days now and I'd like to get the habit of reading a page a day (in a hardcover book) going, but I am stuck behind a computer out of habit, though the urge to really needing to do so is gone. I'm hardly ever bored, but even then, change of pace and environment is nice and prevents negative mental states. Hopefully it won't crash too hard into my spontaneous way of doing things, so I won't be sick of it.

Schedule:

Monday: BUSINESS (Location Rebel + Fastlane forums) + grandma, post, English teaching

Tuesday: SCHOOL PROJECT + DIARY RESEARCH + business, work out

Wednesday: TBD

Thursday: TBD

Friday: SCHOOL EXAM

Saturday: TBD

Sunday: TBD

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2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 16 morning:

I released this morning which I am not 100% happy with. I'll commit to a week-long "NoFap" then, as doing it once a week is more time efficient and more pleasurable too.

I watched ep. 12 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I did some more "lifestyle business" research and I think I can tackle it, as I really enjoy being at home, studying, making myself more knowledgeable, working out and overall progressing towards a better life. I feel like I am tearing down barriers of the old me and I'm far more confident in exploring the unknown.

On a related note, I might want to scan for a more checklist-based schedule that some people have around the forums. I slacked on language learning for a few days now and I'd like to get the habit of reading a page a day (in a hardcover book) going, but I am stuck behind a computer out of habit, though the urge to really needing to do so is gone. I'm hardly ever bored, but even then, change of pace and environment is nice and prevents negative mental states. Hopefully it won't crash too hard into my spontaneous way of doing things, so I won't be sick of it.

Schedule:

Monday: BUSINESS (Location Rebel + Fastlane forums) + grandma, post, English teaching

Tuesday: SCHOOL PROJECT + DIARY RESEARCH + business, work out

Wednesday: TBD

Thursday: TBD

Friday: SCHOOL EXAM

Saturday: TBD

Sunday: TBD

I have to ask now since you wrote "NO FAP" week and your sentence started out with "I released this morning..." I gotta ask if you really meant that  or if you meant "I relapsed this morning" and by that you meant gaming and not FAP ??

anyways , really awesome you are getting more confident and that you are good at spending your time at home really efficiant thats cool. Its been 16 days now and I hope will get through the rest without too much rtouble 🙂 

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Hi Radtech!

2 hours ago, The radtech said:

I have to ask now since you wrote "NO FAP" week and your sentence started out with "I released this morning..." I gotta ask if you really meant that  or if you meant "I relapsed this morning" and by that you meant gaming and not FAP ??

anyways , really awesome you are getting more confident and that you are good at spending your time at home really efficiant thats cool. Its been 16 days now and I hope will get through the rest without too much rtouble 🙂 

No, by "releasing" I mean releasing sperm or masturbating, just making it a bit of an euphenism 😄

It feels good to fight whatever life brings with full strength. I remember the deep division in myself when I wanted to game even just a month ago, when something inside was telling me I should focus on other things too. I will persevere.

I'm confident I'll make the full 90, thanks for your support! 🙂

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Day 16:

I feel thoroughly tired. After groceries, visiting grandma and teaching, I got into Location Rebel again and I was just busy researching what does it take to run around my country like a freelancer. I also had to set up my exam schedule.

I feel like stuff is hectic, but honestly, has it ever been less hectic? I think not!

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12 hours ago, Ikar said:

Hi Radtech!

No, by "releasing" I mean releasing sperm or masturbating, just making it a bit of an euphenism 😄

It feels good to fight whatever life brings with full strength. I remember the deep division in myself when I wanted to game even just a month ago, when something inside was telling me I should focus on other things too. I will persevere.

I'm confident I'll make the full 90, thanks for your support! 🙂

Oh okay got it,  I just didnt think it was something that you wanted to try and hold back on 🙂 

Good day to you sir 🙂

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Day 17:

I watched ep. 13 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast (fun fact: I had my lunch for breakfast). I started working on the school project and I'll try to get it done tomorrow. I did some research into business. I did some prep for English teaching in the afternoon.

In the afternoon,  I went for a job interview for one language school, but I'm not 100% sold on their method of teaching, so my performance wasn't very on-point, so I'll see what comes out of this. Later on, I went English teaching on my own terms, I had a good time and I believe my students had a good time too!

In the evening, my mom invited me to an opera (for a lack of other suitable partners). If I got it right, a guy refused to wake up and stayed in a dream forever to stay with a girl. I've heard modern plays can have multiple interpretations though, so I am not too unhappy if that's actually not true!

I am SMASHED. I've been in motion since I left for the interview in the afternoon. I'm content, I got some experience.

Tomorrow I'll get the school project done on top of some studying for an exam on Friday.

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Day 18 morning:

I've dreamed quite a bunch since I stopped gaming. I dreamed about playing some Wolfenstein game today. I had a very vague feel during it of how relapse would feel IRL. I also dreamed about my ex in the past few days, but I didn't get any specific feelings out of that. Last reply I got from her was a week ago, so I'll guess I'll see about her in a year. That ought be interesting, as I'm set out for the best year of my life!

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Day 18:

I watched ep. 14 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I got up somewhat late and not very well rested, so I slacked for a while.

After the lunch, I played Scrabble with my mom and after that I worked out. Workout finally got me on track throughout the rest of the day, as I stumbled upon this marvelous podcast:

I took notes during the video I'm gonna re-write into my "book notebook", possibly even here to really get it under my skin. So while I didn't do anything for university per se, I did study!

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Day 19:

I watched ep. 15 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I noticed I'm using advanced words I learn from it, as there's about 10 unknown ones in one episode I translate. It's not that I would miss the context, but I want to know their precise meaning. I also finished the podcast above with a ton of notes. They really talked about a lot of great stuff, broadening my perspective of familiar things and yet, some of it struck me as if it was new. They "told" me to clean my room and wash the dishes, so I did that. After that I checked some of his works and took the Understand Myself test.

My recent major shift in behavior since I quit gaming/Twitch, as I found out, was that I am a lot more excited on a daily basis which I find is a precursor to being motivated to do new/interesting things and research and live a better life. I'm also slightly more extroverted, as I want to establish more and deeper relationships, though I am still kinda stuck in the house.

After that, I had a talk with my mom about my last two weeks, it felt good to confide via speech, as I mostly do it through writing.

I took a walk, though the weather outside was nasty and watched some Simpsons afterwards. To top it off, I'm writing with a friend too right now.

Unfortunately, throughout the day, I made a very unconcentrated effort towards the school project, so I'll have to do it in the morning, as I can't push it any further. The test earlier told me I was a bad planner and I put that to a test 😄

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I am also finding a great need to continually feed my mind with learning now that I'm no longer gaming. Days when cravings are stronger, it seems that jogging or lifting weights helps me to shift my energies afterwards into something intellectually constructive. Jocko says, "Discipline equals freedom." 

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Day 20:

I watched ep. 16 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. After that, I worked on my paper and I put together something very basic to at least hand it over for the deadline. I watched some Jocko & Peterson in the meanwhile.

After lunch, I went to the university to write a test and to hand the paper. The test was somewhat easy, but since I didn't get around to studying for it very much, I feel it's like a 50/50. If anything, I enjoy improvising on tests on subjects I know little about!

In the evening, I watched some more lectures on psychology by Peterson, as it's my primary focus these days, though I'll have to strike a balance between that and university, as exam term is here.

I'm not having any issues with nofap whatsoever, with about 110 hours done and 60 to go this week and even if I actively let a thought in, it goes away on its own. That makes sense with me being around the house most of the times, though I am very eager to go out to work out, take a walk or go for a beer with friends. I feel like stopping things is way easier for me than starting new ones!

Also, @Ikar I'll be happy if you tomorrow:

- work out - 1 hour

- get bearings on the subject and study for the exam on Monday - 1-2 hours

- check out Iceland jobs - 1 hour

- play Scrabble or gardening with mom - 1 hour

- get the notes from the 4 hour podcast and write them down here for everyone to read (with some commentary) - 2 hours

Then you can do other things and watch Peterson all you want. Thanks buddy! See you tomorrow.

Edited by Ikar

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16 hours ago, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

I am also finding a great need to continually feed my mind with learning now that I'm no longer gaming. Days when cravings are stronger, it seems that jogging or lifting weights helps me to shift my energies afterwards into something intellectually constructive. Jocko says, "Discipline equals freedom." 

I'm hoping I am not becoming too obsessive about it, but it's really difficult to be binge-watching psychology lectures!

The two of them got me when they described discipline as "sacrificing present, so you can have a better (chances, success, time) future". I never felt like someone would empathize with me on that idea of "discipline IS pain" before. Everyone was only saying "discipline WILL BE gain". Combining these two together the concept finally started to really dawn on me.

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Day 21:

I watched ep. 17 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I also helped out mom with planting peas!

After lunch, I checked out the Iceland jobs and applied for some. Then I worked out and during that I had another talk with mom, as I'm pouring a lot of time into psychology these days and I want to share my findings. I really enjoy the process of dissecting and trying to learn the maximum from the past too, though I think I've revealed the main points already.

In the evening, I got a bit into studying for the exam on Monday, though briefer than I'd like.

All in all, I think I can count it as I got 3.5/5 things I wanted from today, compiling about 3-4 hours of "work" which is pretty decent. Might've spent around the same time on psychology today.

Morning @Ikar:

- email the English kid!

- study for the test - 2-2-1 hours (morning-afternoon-evening) - probably wishful thinking for 5 hours, but I'll give it a shot

Discipline IS pain AND discipline WILL BE gain. Remember. Thanks!

Edited by Ikar

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Day 22:

I watched ep. 18 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I got a little bit into the Self Authoring too.

Brother came along for a family lunch, asked me about that I put away the photo of my ex from my dashboard, so we talked a little bit about that.

In the evening, that stirred up my thoughts, in combination of the thorough personality/philosophy/past assessment I'm doing extensively over the last month. I think I got about 90% of my recent past mined and examined, so I'd like to share that with her, though I have a hard time doing that if I get silence from her on the usual comms.

I'll send her a final note tomorrow. Unless I get a positive answer on it, I'm over her, 100%, no doubts. I'm drawing the line and I have this post as testimony that I tried.

My letter to her will contain:

Spoiler

TRUTH

"The truth is something that burns, it burns off deadwood and people don’t like having their deadwood burnt off often because they’re like 95% deadwood."  - Quote by Jordan Peterson

I also studied throughout the day, probably only 3 hours total, but I still feel better for the test... today! 😄

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Day 23:

I got up in the morning and after some breakfast, I went to school to write an exam. I did the best I could with the amount of time I put in and I think the general theme of the period between writing the test itself and getting the results is "I wish I studied more".

I hanged out with one of the classmates after the test and he's about twice my age. We talked about welfare state, philosophy, psychology and relationships. We had a good talk!

I came home around lunchtime, so I got my lunch. After that, I started composing the letter for my ex, when I noticed she suddenly wrote me.

I was slightly caught by surprise, but I already had a decent draft. I suggested the gravest mistakes mistakes we both made; I got caught up in a swirl of bad events after leaving the army, so my gaming/Twitch addiction was free to bloat as I tried to escape from reality and she wasn't able to do anything, but to build up resentment, as I was becoming more and more of a mess to deal with, because she wasn't able to tell the truth that there's something horribly wrong with me in a way I could understand. She's been failing to answer her personal problems, so I can't hold a grudge against her for not trying to help others solving them. She has to make peace with her first, so she can try to make peace with others.

She took all that as an attempt of me trying to get her back. I ended it at that's not the case at all, as that proved me she's not there... yet.

She's not a lover, she's not a friend (as friends have to bear truth, or whatever goofy attempt I am able to make at it), so she's a skeptical stranger. Writing her myself doesn't make sense. I'll be happy if she ever manages to recognize my point of view and understand it. There's nothing more to be done for me. My conscience is clean and my past with her settled.

As all that went through my head, I was slightly bewildered for my English teaching and it showed slightly. I managed to keep my bearings straight and finish the class though. I met with a former classmate in the evening, so I was pretty social today. I watched ep. 18 of the WWII documentary.

Tomorrow @Ikar: checklist-based schedule, work out, exam Friday

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@30_yrs_of_gaming Thanks! I'm trying my best.

I was a bit curt with my writing yesterday, I spend probably around an hour trying to compose it, as I was already fairly tired. I have some more points:

Day 23 addendum:

It took me almost two moths to deal with the breakup, but I think I have identified the main flaws in the relationship. Watching Dr. Peterson's videos on relationship and responsibility helped me understand my past with her. Thanks to that, I'll be more vigilant if something like this occurs in my future relationships. I'm extremely happy about it.

I feel like I've been making huge leaps, gaining months of experience in several weeks. Computer is still my first go-to place to be, but I'm not confined to it nowhere as closely as I used to be. If I want to work out, I get up and work out. I'm more responsible with household chores.

Getting rid of gaming/Twitch was really just a first step towards greatness, as I still struggle to make my plans work, I'll keep making them. I think I am reasonably successful with them once I write them down on a daily basis.

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Day 23 addendum 2: Releasing once a week is great, so my day for that becomes Monday.

Day 24:

Today was rather odd. I woke up with a headache, it was obvious I needed some hydration. I watched ep. 20 of the WWII documentary and then cycled to get to the groceries. I watched about half a podcast of Joe Rogan with Jordan Peterson, but I had to take a nap halfway through it.

I woke up 2 hours later, somewhat rested and made lunch. I also finished the podcast, making some notes. Both JR and JP made some good points. I washed the dishes.

I got a diarrhea in the evening, though at least the headache went away. I got some materials together for the exam on Friday. Spoiler has some funny stuff!

Tomorrow @Ikar : security message - 30, study for exam, check iceland jobs - 40, work out - 60, prep for class - 30, SMS English - 10, grandma + big shopping

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Day 25:

I watched some JP to start off the day instead of the documentary. I studied a bit, sent the message and prepped my English class. I got new shoes too!

I went to grandma's for lunch - semolina. After that, I went English teaching and it went quite well!

I studied a tiny bit in the evening as well, though probably not as much as I would like. I still get too easily distracted! I didn't work out, because it's raining three days straight outside.

Got a reasonable amount of stuff done today regadless. I HAVE TO step up studying for the exam though, otherwise my chances at it will be horrid.

Tomorrow @Ikar : study for exam, work out - 60, SMS English - 10

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Day 26:

I started off the day by masturbating and it turned out to be quite underwhelming, partly because I wasn't convinced if I should really do it or not, I still did it. I'm very onboard the idea to just do it once a week, making it somewhat special.

I watched some more Jordan Peterson during the day, took a first read into his 12 Rules and I also picked up the studying quite a bit. I also took a walk after the lunch and found this cat with a very peculiar color scheme:

123.thumb.jpg.24cafd98b4c1286ce45f2ecad10d04fe.jpg

I sometimes associate a positive memory or thought with my ex of something we did together. I have a decent rationale that we simply can't be compatible right now, simply because I believe I am responsible for my situation and she believes responsibility, planning and self-help material is just something to avoid at all costs.

Her external care felt good, even if it was for the wrong reason, as we co-depended on each other to be happy. This experience and Dr. Peterson's lectures only strengthened my resolve that I want my next relationship to be "straightened out", but I also want to be decently "straightened out" myself before I kiss some nice girl again. To be frank, it would probably be the third one, as I am not thinking of my mom and grandma!

There's still something left of the evening, so I'll put it into studying. Took me an hour to write out the message. 16th was also the day we both met and we parted. Devil's in the details, folks.

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Day 27:

In the morning, I watched ep. 21 of the WWII documentary. I'm gonna be done with it rather soon, so I need to find something else to do! I wrote the exam in the afternoon and it was actually easier than I thought, so I think I have a decent shot at it. In the evening, I got back to the dating site I met my ex on more than a year ago. I got my profile updated and scanned through some profiles. Mostly for my own improvement of social skills and research, rather than some mad rush for love. I'm vigilant, aware and responsible.

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Day 28:

In the morning, I watched ep. 22 of the WWII documentary. I spent quite some time on the dating site. I put some small things into order, teaching-wise and cleaned my room a bit. I played Scrabble with mom and I tried to work out, but the playground was unfortunately occupied the whole day, so I'll try tomorrow.

Today went fine. I'll try to be more intentional about my time usage tomorrow though.

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