Ikar's Diary

[Ikar]

1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!

Glad to hear about your job offer! Are you excited? Is this something you have been studying for?

 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

It's basically more hours for teaching English, so I am curious about how that works out.

Have a nice day as well! ?

[BooksandTrees]

16 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 195:

I was at school today, I also got a job offer and was outside a little bit too. It was a nice day and now I am thoroughly tired.

Great job and congrats. Keep going.

[Ikar]

Day 196:

I had a good day today. I watched the rugby finals in the morning, got a little bit of work done on a uni homework and did a couple of smaller things during the day. In the evening, me and my mom went to another of the series of local plays.

[Ikar]

Day 197:

In the morning, I watched Joe Rogan's interview with Edward Snowden. It was almost a three hour interview, it felt like bit of a shame that I couldn't really discuss the matters they mentioned during the show. We went to a hockey match in the afternoon. I spent the evening reading about the "flow" state and writing with friends. I ran a few errands during the day.

[Ikar]

Day 198:

I had an extremely productive day. I read, wrote, worked out, rode my bicycle, taught English and ran multiple other errands too. Naturally, I feel fairly tired after all this. I think that overall, I need to write more and read more. Today would be the perfect example of where I pulled that off majestically.

[BooksandTrees]

4 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Day 198:

I had an extremely productive day. I read, wrote, worked out, rode my bicycle, taught English and ran multiple other errands too. Naturally, I feel fairly tired after all this. I think that overall, I need to write more and read more. Today would be the perfect example of where I pulled that off majestically.

Enjoy these days and be mindful of how you feel now so you can call upon this fit strength in the future when you're lethargic and unmotivated. 

[Ikar]

Day 199:

I had a strange day. The first half of it went like yesterday. Then I got a call, finding out my English teaching Wednesdays are getting canceled. I tried to shake it off immediately, but I couldn't find anything I would be interested in doing, while at the same time it being important to me. So, I take my productive half of the day, where I did all of my baseline stuff, let the night take care of the "problem" and turn it into an "opportunity". For one, it makes my potential plan for moving easier.

A few days ago, I decided, after about half a year, to write a guy I know online since 2013, whom through the wonders of Internet, managed to find and write with my ex independently of me. He wrote me she had another relationship that ended and that she thinks she's incapable of loving anyone.

I'm grateful to say I have the opposite opinion about myself. I think I have love to give and an appropriate toolkit to create sustainable relationships.

[BooksandTrees]

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 199:

I had a strange day. The first half of it went like yesterday. Then I got a call, finding out my English teaching Wednesdays are getting canceled. I tried to shake it off immediately, but I couldn't find anything I would be interested in doing, while at the same time it being important to me. So, I take my productive half of the day, where I did all of my baseline stuff, let the night take care of the "problem" and turn it into an "opportunity". For one, it makes my potential plan for moving easier.

A few days ago, I decided, after about half a year, to write a guy I know online since 2013, whom through the wonders of Internet, managed to find and write with my ex independently of me. He wrote me she had another relationship that ended and that she thinks she's incapable of loving anyone.

I'm grateful to say I have the opposite opinion about myself. I think I have love to give and an appropriate toolkit to create sustainable relationships.

Sorry to hear about this cancellation. I hope a new opportunity opens itself up to you that can provide something special and meaningful to you. Just like last time this might take a little to find. Stay positive. Ignore your ex. I think you know yourself well enough and this is confirmation that you have learned so much in the past year and have been improving. 

[Ikar]

10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sorry to hear about this cancellation. I hope a new opportunity opens itself up to you that can provide something special and meaningful to you. Just like last time this might take a little to find. Stay positive. Ignore your ex. I think you know yourself well enough and this is confirmation that you have learned so much in the past year and have been improving. 

Most offers for English teaching I had to turn down, simply because it too often put me into a situation where I had to drive from my suburbs into the city center. It usually turned out to be an hour long drive by car and teaching for an hour and a half. The same goes for cultural, school, sport and other events. I want to be more around and with people. If I am not, it makes me miss my ex and streaming. I really had no issues streaming 50 hours a week for example.

I think I can nail my increasing demand for both work and socialization/affiliation by moving to the dorms in the city center. The dorms on their own are fairly inexpensive, and although I would expect to spend more money on various events, I think it would balance out with increased income from teaching.

I'm happy I can point my finger on my issues at this point. I'm visiting a uni psychologist the next week, mainly to see if I am something in my behavior completely unaware of, rather than having any urgent issues that would be driving me crazy. I think I got myself together pretty well. I read, I write, I study on a regular basis and my depressive bouts disappeared completely since I quit gaming/Twitch.

Thanks for the support ?

[Ikar]

Day 200:

I got up quite late. I did my emails/paperwork, reading and went to visit my grandma for lunch and a long chat. I relaxed during the evening and just played Scrabble. It was a fine recovery day.

[Ikar]

Day 201:

I got up a bit later, had my breakfast, read the book and wrote. I went shopping afterwards and went to an interview, hopefully getting me a few more hours of English teaching per week.

I did a bit of research and I decided to get the paperwork done on Monday, so I can officially start my business teaching English.

It's been 2 months since I got back from Iceland and I read about 500 pages from the first volume of Gulag Archipelago and I expect to finish it in the next few days.

[Ikar]

I missed an entry yesterday, just because I journal as the last thing during the day and I happened to turn off the computer before I wrote an entry ?

Day 202:

Yesterday was interesting. I was at school, talked to a few new people and it seems like I might get just enough hours to teach English with my new contract.

Day 203:

I finished Gulag Archipelago volume I today. I spent a part of the afternoon on planning my schedule for the next week, as well as on some emails and paperwork. The play in the evening was a fine one as well, shame the series is over already.

[Ikar]

This week was quite swingy. I basically received my first workplace rejection, but it seems like I will get more opportunities. I wrote and read more than usual. I feel nervous, I get chills, I sweat and I struggle more with staying in bed during the morning/masturbation. Despite that, I don't think the amount of work I did decreased in the last few days, but just I don't feel as self-assured as I was before. Things are going to get better if I ensure they get better.

[Ikar]

Day 204:

I started watching Black Adder. It's quite fun and sometimes I have to look up words. I also read quite a bit of "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's intriguing and I feel like there are some overlaps of things I've came about after quitting games that I want to prioritize. I also wrote some feedback for classes of my teacher. I also feel calmer at the end of the day.

[Ikar]

Day 205:

I was teaching for 5 hours today, I also visited my grandma, so the day was fairly busy and exhausting. I pretty much relaxed in the evening, wrote a bit with friends and did Russian.

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 205:

I was teaching for 5 hours today, I also visited my grandma, so the day was fairly busy and exhausting. I pretty much relaxed in the evening, wrote a bit with friends and did Russian.

Keep it up. What have you found to be the most relaxing activities for you?

[Ikar]

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Keep it up. What have you found to be the most relaxing activities for you?

I generally do my Russian casually, while I blast some punk tunes, so I wave my torso to the tunes and mumble Russian words. Simpsons work too. Black Adder can also be relaxing, but sometimes I decide to go after the few words that eluded me and I don't know the meaning of.

[Ikar]

Day 206:

I got up on time today. It took me more than half an hour to stuff the breakfast down my throat, however I managed it in the end. I read a bit of Models by  for about an hour then.

I started with a Skype lesson and then I went teaching outside. I had two solo classes with a single woman through sheer randomness. Both of them reacted well, in an extroverted, playful and reciprocal manner.

One of them I found attractive, however shortly into the introduction, she mentioned being freshly married. I took it at face value, as for a short while, I had the idea I'd ask her out on a date after the class, but I managed to get my answer to that question regardless.

Two days into reading Models by Manson and one day before the above happened, I wrote this to my friend:

Spoiler

See, what I did today and will do tomorrow on my intro lessons is this: I let my students test me on vocab, translation and let them try to get me under pressure.

The idea is however that they have to know how the world translates themselves, so they can show back to me they are just not making shit up.

I need to let them know what I'm about and that they can trust me, at least when it comes to English.

I think I strike the balance with that between the extremes of just passively trying to hide behind the desk/papers (being unconfident) OR using my English skills to intimidate them into submission (being needlessly dominant).

I think dating works a lot alike.

I think English teaching as it is now, puts me into the zone of proximal development. I still get a bit nervous and create incoherent or overly complicated sentences, but it's just practice at this point. I could've had a toddler manipulate me just several months ago. Nowadays I can unapologetically state what am I about and what I believe, without fear of rejection.

I really had a great day today and I'm still not sure where my upper limit for extroversion is.

[Phoenixking]

Don't date the people you teach, man. Don't shit where you eat. Keep work and private life separate. Trust me.

[Ikar]

Day 207:

I had a day off to unwind today. I read in the morning, wrote and watched Black Adder. After lunch, I got one homework done for uni and did Duolingo. I had a short English teaching session in the evening. I tackled some emails in the evening as well.

It was a reasonably productive day, despite the fact I felt strange today.

[BooksandTrees]

14 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Don't date the people you teach, man. Don't shit where you eat. Keep work and private life separate. Trust me.

Lol after what I wrote back in January I can agree. 

[Ikar]

Day 208:

I walked around the city center today for a couple of hours. First, I met with the uni psychologist. I am not dealing with something "acutely" and I was thinking more in the lines of prevention, so she gave me contacts to psychotherapists. I think I might be a bit paranoid when it comes to prevention (making myself at least aware of bad things I wasn't aware of before), but I've had myself not notice being a game addict for a long time.

I tried to gather some info on how running an official business works later, but I got contradictory information, so I think it'll be better to find someone who's already doing the same thing that I do and ask them.

I also decided to move to the uni dorms in the city center today in a few weeks. It's gonna cost me more money, but I'll be independent and I'll be able to find/enroll into some cool events/hobbies and build up some social life outside of work and weekly uni classes, because I have none otherwise.

[Ikar]

Day 209:

I had an interesting thought this morning. It's obvious, but I've attracted a few women before in the past, even if I was an addict. It still was a nice re-assuring moment.

I've been reading Models: Attract Women Through Honesty for the past several days. I'm about halfway through the book, but I re-read some points to hammer them into my mind. Manson fundamentally makes the claim that good romantic relationships (along other things) are a byproduct of a good, honest approach towards both yourself and others.

I didn't really exercise the past week, so today I at least walked around the suburbs for an hour. I also spent some time on my uni homework. I have a plan to finish all my uni assignments before the time I move + the big report (that's way overdue). Other than that, nothing was out of the ordinary.

[Ikar]

Day 210:

I've finished Manson's Models today. Reading (and sometimes re-reading and taking notes) about 300 pages in under a week, I have to say it was an intriguing read, it mostly went along my line of thinking (the importance of polarization in various endeavors) and connected a bunch of dots for me I didn't expect to be connected.

I disabled OKC today and deleted Tinder a few days ago. I'm planning to nail all the work for uni in the next 2 weeks, before I move. I expect some 30 hours of work to be done with the various assignments. I also commit myself to 2 week long "no ejaculation".

Time to get serious.

[BooksandTrees]

16 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 210:

I've finished Manson's Models today. Reading (and sometimes re-reading and taking notes) about 300 pages in under a week, I have to say it was an intriguing read, it mostly went along my line of thinking (the importance of polarization in various endeavors) and connected a bunch of dots for me I didn't expect to be connected.

I disabled OKC today and deleted Tinder a few days ago. I'm planning to nail all the work for uni in the next 2 weeks, before I move. I expect some 30 hours of work to be done with the various assignments. I also commit myself to 2 week long "no ejaculation".

Time to get serious.

What are Manson's Models? Is it just the collection of his articles you've linked me previously? I don't blame you for deleting OKC and Tinder. I got so frustrated with these apps as you've probably read in my diary. It is very clear that a lot of people use these as a confidence boost to see who's interested in them. I would actually go as far as to say dating apps are the emotional equivalent to porn for women. I think women get more attention than men on the apps due to there being a 70-30 male-to-female ratio on the apps. On porn websites men can get as many women as they want and see whatever style of video they want. For dating apps women can see dozens of men flirt with them and give them attention if they're feeling lonely or want attention. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. I just think it's a similar addiction, but instead of sexual it's emotional. Honestly, it can be sexual for dating apps as well. I think the pornstars suffer by the porn studios and are treated poorly. I think many people on dating apps get used, ignored, played with, and treated poorly on the other end of people emotionally using them. I think they're very similar.

Did you find an apartment already?