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John's Daily Journal


ElectroNugget
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  • 2 weeks later...

@NannerZ Hey man, appreciate you checking up on me. I ended up taking a break from GameQuitters, relapsing (both a good and bad experience), moving to a new city, starting at ITU and now I'm considering coming back to GameQuitters and doing a second detox. Not sure if I'll just continue here or do a fresh detox journal. We'll see. Maybe I'll post this evening. Just started a fresh detox on Sunday.

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Hey again everybody.

So I'm back and in desperate need of a second detox. It's late right now but the short story is: life has gotten a lot better lately, and gaming is threatening to interfere with my newfound success.

A few weeks ago I moved to Copenhagen and started at my new university, ITU, studying Software Design. In short, everything about it is great. My new place rocks. Copenhagen is awesome. ITU is really, really challenging but in a good way that keeps me busy, and there are loads of new people to meet. There's a potentially good future on the horizon again. 

So, last weekend after a very tiring week I saw that Steam had a free weekend, and decided to try something out... I ended up burning the whole weekend on a free account. And this weekend there was another one! Cue me burning this weekend too - when I really should be studying, going outside, exploring Copenhagen, or any number of other activities. It always starts the same: ''I'll just play for an hour'' - next thing it's Sunday night and I still haven't gotten anything done this weekend. I guess I have become complacent: I assume that because I went for 90 days without games, I've kicked the habit. But 90 days is nothing compared to 20+ years of routine! I have to admit it, there's no such thing as video gaming in moderation for me. 

Just before I sat down to write this I had a flash of anger. Yes, I love playing games, but this is ridiculous! Here I have a great new opportunity, and I'm doing my best to sabotage it by playing video games again! I wanted to put a hammer through my PC case. It's the last real gaming device I still have - I sold my Switch and PS4 a few weeks ago - I think it's time I permanently disposed of it as well.

So I want to start a detox again tomorrow, another 90 days. To do this I need to dismantle my PC and lock it in my downstairs basement in such a way that it would be a huge hassle to reassemble it for some 'casual' gaming. Then when my parents come visit in a few weeks they can take it away. I'm writing this down here because I really need to be held accountable for this. I've been playing with the idea for two weeks already. It's time I did it, or else I'm not going to get the most out of this new opportunity I've been so lucky to receive.

So, early to rise tomorrow morning, lock away my PC, and start a new detox. See you all tomorrow.

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Hey @James Good, nice to hear from you! And thanks for the input. Nice to know it's a process some others have gone through.

Detox 02: Day 03:

My gaming PC was indeed safely locked downstairs on Monday, and I gave my power cable to a friend so there isn't an easy way to get it back online without at least asking him, or paying a ridiculous price for a new cable at the local electronics store. I'm hoping either option will prove painful enough to stop me if I get the urge again.  My iPad has also been locked downstairs, so all I have left is my university laptop which can't run anything worthwhile (I'd get rid of it too but I need it for coding!), and my phone. 

So I'm two days free and on my third now. Would like to start posting again daily, IT University is just keeping me crazy busy. I'll try to get back into the swing of it again soon.

Overall gaming was just a symptom though. I still have problems with my depressive thoughts, bad sleep habits and poor lifestyle. I still take my phone to bed and struggle with porn. In general, my relationship with electronics overall needs to evolve if I'm actually going to change into the person I want to be. We'll see if I can make that happen.

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6 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

I still take my phone to bed and struggle with porn. In general, my relationship with electronics overall needs to evolve if I'm actually going to change into the person I want to be.

I also brought my phone to bed every night, and I often use it the first thing in the morning. This is definitely not the best idea for starting the day. To be honest, electronics can enhance your life, but they can also destroy yours if you use them in an unhealthy manner. Old habits die hard, but they do (and can) die with a proper plan and a sense of purpose.

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Detox 02: Day 08:

Hey all.

I'm still not in the routine of posting here regularly. To be honest I'm really struggling to nail a rhythm at ITU with so much going on. I would really like to have a method for an 'ideal day', where I get up at the same time, spend a certain amount of time studying every day, and go to bed at the same time. But I'm really battling. 

I'm happy to report that staying away from games gets easier. I feel more conviction this time around. I still watch stuff on YouTube too much, but it's mostly about films now and less about gaming. I feel less and less enthralled by games of all types... I'm tired of throwing my life away.

All that said, today I found out my ex of a few months now has got a new boyfriend and is moving to Munich with him. Things seemed to move very quickly there... To be honest while I have not thought all that much about her, this was a real hammer blow to my mood and self-esteem today. I have a lot of negative and self-defeating thoughts about this... I'm really tired of struggling with relationships and breakups in the way that I have the past few years. I feel like it takes me forever to move on, if ever, while my exes have all seemed to just flit to the next relationship very quickly. I don't wan't to sound bitter about it, but it really hurts me and I can't seem to find the root why, or what I am hoping for here... I'm tired of having these moments of intense pain, where everything comes back. I don't know how to progress to a more capable, stable and whole human being. I want to be able to live and be relatively happy on my own, if that's what my life is going to be.

I feel like I have struggled, bit and fought for every inch of ground I've gained over my anxiety and depression in the past few years, while exes, friends and colleagues have coasted through life. I honestly don't know how they do it, and I feel like I'm having to make massive personal sacrifices to try and reach the kind of person I want to be... and yet things like this keep happening. I keep feeling this pain. I don't know. I don't know how to be good enough. Maybe I'll never be good enough.

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Welcome back!

21 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

All that said, today I found out my ex of a few months now has got a new boyfriend and is moving to Munich with him. Things seemed to move very quickly there... To be honest while I have not thought all that much about her, this was a real hammer blow to my mood and self-esteem today. I have a lot of negative and self-defeating thoughts about this... I'm really tired of struggling with relationships and breakups in the way that I have the past few years. I feel like it takes me forever to move on, if ever, while my exes have all seemed to just flit to the next relationship very quickly. I don't wan't to sound bitter about it, but it really hurts me and I can't seem to find the root why, or what I am hoping for here... I'm tired of having these moments of intense pain, where everything comes back. I don't know how to progress to a more capable, stable and whole human being. I want to be able to live and be relatively happy on my own, if that's what my life is going to be.

I feel like I have struggled, bit and fought for every inch of ground I've gained over my anxiety and depression in the past few years, while exes, friends and colleagues have coasted through life. I honestly don't know how they do it, and I feel like I'm having to make massive personal sacrifices to try and reach the kind of person I want to be... and yet things like this keep happening. I keep feeling this pain. I don't know. I don't know how to be good enough. Maybe I'll never be good enough.

I'm gonna quote myself 3 months ago, because I think it is relevant.

On 6/17/2019 at 8:28 PM, Ikar said:

Whew well, sucks to hear that. Take your time on it and see what you can make up of it and don't do anything fatally stupid. Judging from the way you wrote it, you didn't expect that in the slightest and it was likely more or less on her decision.

Even if her reason is valid and running a long-distance relationship is not easy (my ex would travel 3 hours by train to see me and I would have to drive half of that if I was seeing her), there's some merit in knowing that "sooner" (for women) or "later" (for men), you want to start living together and have some joint, shared vision of future together, because women are tighter on the biological clock (again, I think might've been relevant, if you dated for several years). Perhaps she couldn't articulate that well enough, perhaps you turned a blind eye to that aspect, who knows.

Again, this is purely my perspective from your writing and don't you dare do anything fatally stupid. You'll get by, with or without her. Feel free to PM me, if you want!

What worked in my case (after the breakup) was to acknowledge that there was something good and something bad in the relationship and be really mindful about what did I consider "good" and what did I consider "bad". I had some things do a 180 when I realized my ex unconsciously hates me, to put it shortly. It felt like only then I could come to terms with my past and not be traumatized by it, if it somehow manifests in my everyday life, either directly or as an innocent association. Otherwise I think self-pity and bitterness would do me in, slowly and painfully.

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On 9/8/2019 at 8:07 PM, ElectroNugget said:


 there's no such thing as video gaming in moderation for me. 
 

Just needed to play 1 match of 15 minutes to mess my whole week... I guess it's impossible to game moderately if you have an addiction problem, doesn't really matter how long you haven't played

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Hey guys, thanks for the responses.

I really want to try posting here daily again. I think as painful as the journal can sound sometimes, pouring it our here gives me some space to reflect on it afterwards, and after talking to some close friends about it today, I feel a lot better. I really think it's important to keep the journal going to keep being reflective so I can get to the bottom of this once and for all.

Detox 02: Day 09:

So today was very up and down. I had a really hard time sleeping last night, and felt really emotionally washed out all day. I was very tempted to stay in bed and sleep or mope this morning, but I managed to drag myself out of bed and off to university despite my bad night, and it was a really great decision to do so.

While I still had a bad day, by the end of the day I had been a bit recharged by having some really good conversations with some good people, and most of all I got some programming done.  While that was happening, I managed to try and reflect and be a bit more grateful for the things that are going well in my situation right now.

First of all, I'm really lucky to be at ITU right now.  It's very difficult to get accepted here, I'm in the top 28th percentile. There's two people out there who could have had my seat, but I got it. I need to respect that. It's a fucking incredible place, with awesome people and a really demanding but really good training schedule for programming. I should be very grateful that I get to be a part of this place for two years. I'm also incredibly lucky in that one of my biggest fears - that I wouldn't like programming - has turned out to be completely false. I really enjoy programming and I seem to have a knack for the kind of problem solving required to do it. And the best thing is there's going to be lots of jobs once I get out of here. So, I got the chance to pivot away from art in one of the best environments there is here in Denmark. I really need to count that blessing.

Secondly, I had a great relationship with Chang, but it's not worth leaving ITU and my life plan behind for her. Relationships end for a reason, and we had ours. It sucks what's happening now, but I can't let the past, and the actions of others determine the course of my life. I need to take the helm and own it... So, it's time I properly let go. Which I did. Today I deleted all my exes on Facebook, and deleted my Instagram account entirely. It's time to stop looking at old images or 'checking in' on my exes just so I can melt down again. Time to move on.

There's still so much work to do on myself, but I  have been given a really good environment to do it and I really need to grab that opportunity and make the most of it rather than sulking about the past. So, that's what I'm going to try to do.

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Detox 02: Day 10:

Veeery stressful day today. We had programming midterms, which I think went well but were very stressful nonetheless. At ITU I have 3 subjects: Introductory Programming, Software Engineering and Discrete Maths.

They're all tough programs in their own way. To be honest, the whole degree is extremely demanding. I just got home now and I'm a knot of stress about the exam. Going to try and meditate to calm down hopefully. Then early to rise tomorrow.

Due to the programming midterm this week I fell behind on my other subjects. I'm not great at keeping up with everything right now, and should be working harder/smarter.... But there's very little time to relax and it feels like we've been going full pace for weeks now. Hopefully I can manage.

ITU is still amazing! I'm just reeling from the workload atm. I'll survive.

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