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dahankus

Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

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Day 71.

Habits completed counter: 46

Yesterday I saw a trailer for cyberpunk, one of my top expected games before the detox. And honestly I don't feel the excitement I would normally. I guess the non gamer persona is taking over, which is great. Maybe one day I will give it a try, maybe not. I don't really care that much.

No cravings for games at all. The more stuff I have to do and to worry about, the less time I have to wonder about stupid things. So lets get to work!

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

 

 

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Day 72.

Habits completed counter: 47

Another down wave came upon me. Will surely clear soon. I was working on a problem yesterday at work and couldn't find a solution, will try again today. Keeping with the learning habit every day at least 30 min, its great, I can feel my possibilities growing, now I need experience applying it.

For a couple of months I had been contemplating the idea of the "shadow" in depth psychology, I wanted to remember moment where this shadow took over, so that I may identify it, then  recognize it when it appears, and maybe integrate it as a part of me. I have no idea where to start with that, but I found some memories of early childhood where I did some very stupid things that clearly point toward this shadow. So Its some progress in that area, 🙂

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 73.

Habits completed counter: 49

I had a deep realization that even if I wanted, like really wanted to play one of my favorite games, I would not be able... they are gone....I have no games at all! Its amazing how strong that fact is. I have been contemplating Cyberpunk and the possibility of playing it in a few years, and with that, cravings for other games crept in, but They don't exist anymore. They are gone. This makes me feel somehow sad for some reason, even if that was my decision and it was a good one. I have to put attention to this feelings and thoughts, acknowledge them, and move on.

Other things are going great, everything is moving forward, slowly, but constantly.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

 

 

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Day 74.

Habits completed counter: 51

I am trying hard to keep up with everything, and the effects are starting to accumulate. I feel the strength of cravings to play something get stronger the more responsibility I take on my shoulders. Everything is going in a beautiful direction, right where I am aiming at. I feel I am right in the middle of the road, the right place, not too comfortable and not to chaotic. Now the challenge is not to stray from it. I will do my best.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 75.

Habits completed counter: 52

Leaving a very productive week behind. Can't wait for the next one, it feels so great to move forward. And for anyone out there, spending 30 min a day, studying something is unbelievable!!! It changes the mind in incredible ways, always improving ideas and behavior. Constant improvement, that is key.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 76.

Habits completed counter: 54

I am feeling that the momentum, of positive action, is starting to push me forward on its own, and not so much willpower is needed as before. And the feeling of accomplishment is even greater. It feels great to embody, at least partially, your own ideal. 

Spoiler

I have been considering the possibility of playing a game in the future, and I have come to the realization that removing them entirely is an overkill that will deprive me of some really amazing experiences. I am not ready to play anything, and I will never play the way I used to. I know it is a problem for me, and I will treat gaming as a dangerous practice. 

That was interesting. Right now, after writing that I realized how sneaky this addicted personality is, lol. This diary is very useful to catch rouge thoughts before they poison the rest of the mind 🙂

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 77.

Habits completed counter: 55

So pumped up!! this week is going to be amazing. So much cool stuff to learn and hard things to do!! 

I have been thinking about maybe playing some day in the future, and as long as I still want it then, then maybe I will. Until then, no games.

Keeping busy is key.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 78.

Habits completed counter: 56

Oh how I miss the isolation and calm of watching the map of the world, and seeing my decisions influence the future of a simulation. So simple, so irrelevant... Oh how I miss the lack of responsibility that allowed me to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and not wanting anything at all... having nothing to do, no one to meet, no problem to solve, except my own irrelevance in existence. No meaning or place to be, just right there, hanging... looking straight into the void, allowing the void to stare back.

It seems so unreal now. How could I allow that, to go on for as long as it did... Never again.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light. 

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Best of luck on your continuing journey. Trust in God, and He will guide you to your path as a warrior in light. I'm praying for you.

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22 hours ago, indyc said:

Trust in God, and He will guide you to your path

I don't believe in the things that cannot be proven, but thanks for the good will. 

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Day 79.

Habits completed counter: 57

Crazy days..... but I love it. So much progress, so much activity. My home pc broke down yesterday, it turns on all the lights but there is no initial "Beep" nor display on monitors, and a small red CPU LED is glowing near the CPU. Going to switch out my power supply, I hope that that os all that it is, otherwise I am going ot have to conjure extra money for new parts or laptop. Shit happens, I will deal with it.

I get the occasional nostalgia feeling for games, but nothing special. 

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light. 

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Days 80,81.

Habits completed counter: 58

No PC at home is hard, especially when its a off day from work. I watched the "return of the king" extended edition, and it has been a while since my last watch, and wow, my way of thinking has changes a lot since that time. For one, the film wasn't as enjoyable and some times annoying. Having so much unoccupied time made me realize the extent of my dependence on technology, and it scares the shit out of me. I can't visualize a future without a PC, I have no idea what to do if I don't have an extension into the virtual world. It's so strange. Even if I want to find something that interests me enough to leave the digital behind, I can't visualize anything except emptiness. Its probably natural to feel this way, after such a long time plugged in.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light. 

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Days 82,83,84.

Habits completed counter: 60

I hope the parts to fix my PC arrive today. I have been keeping busy anyway I can, I ended up designing a strategy game idea. I don't exactly know why a game, but it came with such a "need" do be manifested that I could not help myself but to write it down. It turned out to be an interesting concept to be honest. I will put it with the other dozens of great ideas that might never see the day of light.

 This week is the last week in my apartment, we will be moving on Friday, so I am starting another crazy week of June. Going strong for the 90 day mark!!

I am nor a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 85.

Habits completed counter: 61

PC at home is up and running, yay! Games have come back to my mind, stronger and stronger. Its very strange. I need more stuff to engage into. Interesting stuff, useful stuff.

I am nor a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 86.

Habits completed counter: 62

The more I keep busy the less I think of games. I have been having difficulty finding meaningful tasks. Maybe once we get settled in, something will come up.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 87.

Habits completed counter: 63

Yesterday I thought to myself that the 90 days are almost done, and so I can play something guilt free. Sure, why not. But play what? For how long, and why? So I started looking through the games i used to spend most time with, which I would have to buy again. None of them seemed attractive enough to actually go through the effort of buying, installing and finding the time to play. NONE of them!! Which is awesome. 

Also this gives me high hopes for maybe playing the few games I really want to experience, and this has nothing to do with the addiction, its more like wanting to experience a movie or a book. Right now I have just two of those games on my mind, and they have not come out yet, so I am left free. The cravings lost their power, because the gaming part has lost its attractiveness once I faced the prospect of actually going through with it.

We will see what the future will bring. 

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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2 hours ago, dahankus said:

Also this gives me high hopes for maybe playing the few games I really want to experience,

Be careful dude! You wrote this:

 It has been the best year of my life, and after achieving all this, I thought that I could relax and play some games. Aaaaand i was wrong. So now, here I am. With a plan, a vision, not for 90 days, but for the rest of my life. No more games, ever. 

Edited by Guest

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7 hours ago, katsudo19 said:

Be careful dude! You wrote this:

Damn you bearer of truth!! Indeed I am a fool. It was foolish of me to give into this mindset. Thank you for this.

Edited by dahankus
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Day 88.

Habits completed counter: 64

I feel torn in two. One part of me wants to experience some games, while the other doesn't want to come back to games at all. Why?

  • I want to play because while playing I adopt a different mind and I can rest for a while from the mind processes of every day life.
  • I want to play because it is a quick and easy way of experiencing progress and achievement.
  • I want to play because it allows me to experience feelings I don't experience in every day life.
  • I don't want to play when the game occupies more space in my mind than it should. 
  • I don't want to play when there are things that need my attention in my life, family, work or my house.
  • I don't want to play when the game doesn't give me enough joy to justify the time I put into it.
  • I don't want to play because it really is of no use to anything
  • I don't want to play because I feel its just a waste of time, and there is always more productive ways to spend the time.
  • I don't want to play because no matter how many great experiences I gather in game, they will not translate to a better life outside of the game.
  • I don't want to play because it brings nothing good to the people I care about

Now the path is clear.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 89.

Habits completed counter: 65

First night at new place. My back hurts from carrying everything. But I am happy, everything turned out alright. In the gamines department I feel more confident now, provided by the recent slap I got from @katsudo19 Thank you for that. Some times all you need is someones attention.

So today is Saturday, and Its going to be busy, so lets get to work 😄

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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Day 90.

Habits completed counter: 66

It's done, again. Detox complete. It was easier than last time, maybe because I deleted everything and sold my graphics card XD. I have progressed a lot during this 3 months, in many areas of my life. Many changes have happen, and I stood and faced them head on, and it all turned out great. 

Thanks to everyone for your support. Wish you all the best, and good luck with your lives.

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

 

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Day 104.

Been very productive but haven't seen or haven't perceived my progress (I am sure there is progress but its not quick enough to cause a flood of dopamine), and I think this is fueling my cravings. I am not sure how else to articulate this surge of cravings for gaming. Its like wanting my fix of gaming, and its really annoying. I almost fell for it today. Had to write this entry to remind myself of what is going on, and what lies my mind will generate to feel that high again. I will not fall for it. I am stronger  that this.

I am not  a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

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It has been some moths after my second detox, and I have been having cravings related to a game that came out.  And  yesterday I was reviewing old CD's and DVD's and some didn't had a name, so I wanted to check what was on them. I found some old games, from 15 years ago...  one caught my attention and I installed it. Played an hour. It was terrible. It didn't had essence of any kind, and I was happy to uninstall it. 

Then I got curious so I installed Minecraft, just to check how it felt, as it is the last game I own from my gaming days. And I played for about 30 mins. I made a quick underground base, got some tools, checked out some new stuff to build... and  it was boring, like really fucking boring. Whenever I thought of something to do in game,  a feeling of tediousness came over me, and the question "What is the point, this isn't even fun" so I uninstalled it as well. 

I think my life has changed so much, that my gamer personality doesn't have a place anymore. I get the cravings, but the promise of fun, and engagement is empty. I will have no fun nor will I be able to engage myself in the game, because I have more pressing and important shit to take care of, stuff that matters to me and my future self. One step closer in the direction of my choosing. 

This was a slip, but I think it was a very important moment. From now on, my cravings will have a weaker impact on my life, as I proved that their promise is a lie. 

I am not a gamer. I am a warrior of light.

 

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