mattso's late journal

[Natalie]

On 3/14/2019 at 12:16 PM, mattso said:

Am I the only highschool student around here? Why does everyone seem to be in college or working or even having kids?

You are not the only one... There are some people your age who do try to get the school work together during the 90-day detox period like George Wyatt for example.

That is because life progresses.

[mattso]

I've been questioning if I even belong on this forum. Is me playing a lot a cause or a symptom? I'm probably not the first one here to have those kind of thoughts. I have other potential explanations as to why I am the way I am. I don't know if I expressed this enough, but I've been feeling quite depressed on some days. Moving slowly, no appetite, no desire to do anything. Not even play. Did I vilify gaming and thought it to be the cause of all bad? Probably. Was it rightful? I don't know.

This post feels incoherent.

On 6/16/2019 at 2:02 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

I think it all depends on this: Do you want to feel better and do better? 

Do you think you have an issue or is your life good just like it is?

Of course I have issues, I don't want to live like this. I assume that you want to suggest something... So what is it?

[TTT]

About causes and symptoms - for me gaming is a symptom of not having other things to enjoy in my life. But I also think that games / addictions are the reason for me being unable to enjoy other things. So it is a symptom, but also the cause. Nothing else compares favourably to the amazing stories/worlds/challenges/companions of a game. Not in the current state of my brain, at least. So I hope I can rewire that, which will take time.

[fawn_xoxo]

On 6/15/2019 at 11:54 PM, mattso said:

Why am I writing? I... feel lost. Have been feeling lost. No interest in exploring new things, meeting people has been a chore lately... What's left for me to do? Once I finish highschool, what will I do with myself? Probably not play for a living. But nothing else interests me. Would I quit now? No, my motivation is not here.

That's why I asked you if you WANT to change things, if you think you need your life to be different. That's all you need in order to start taking different actions. You don't need motivation, it's just nice if you have it, it makes things easier. You don't need to feel good about trying new things, actually that doesn't work like this at all. If you already feel good, why do something different? 

Right now is when you have to realize this place of things sucking is just yourself telling you that you aren't satisfied with just laying around and doing nothing. It feels bad, but those feelings are proof you need something else. So try things that you haven't tried before now that you have free time. Don't expect to feel better, especially not immediately. 

The process is more important than the immediate results. That's something about life in general, unlike games, it's a lot of putting in the effort beforehand and only reaping results later. We get used to it.

[cammyhammy]

20 hours ago, mattso said:

I've been questioning if I even belong on this forum. Is me playing a lot a cause or a symptom? I'm probably not the first one here to have those kind of thoughts. I have other potential explanations as to why I am the way I am. I don't know if I expressed this enough, but I've been feeling quite depressed on some days. Moving slowly, no appetite, no desire to do anything. Not even play. Did I vilify gaming and thought it to be the cause of all bad? Probably. Was it rightful? I don't know.

I've thought about this some, too, and I've come to the conclusion that gaming is both a cause and a symptom. Gaming all day makes you feel worthless, and feeling worthless makes you want to game because you think you're undeserving of anything else. You want to escape from real life, so you play video games. As for vilifying gaming, you probably have. I know I did at first. I thought it was the cause of every problem in my life and I felt so bad for everyone who played video games.

I thought gamers were stupid for spending their time on something as worthless as gaming, despite having done what they do for years. I was wrong. I have plenty of friends who maintain a good social life, have a job, and are generally fulfilled with life while still recreationally playing video games. I just can't be like that. I'm more susceptible to addiction and I would guess that most people on this forum (yourself included) are too, which is why we've decided to quit.

Video games are not inherently bad, they hold just as much worth as any other hobby that allows you to relax and unwind. That said, if they make you as frustrated and empty inside as they made me, then perhaps they're bad for you, just as I know they're bad for me. I also guarantee that gaming is not the cause of all the problems in your life. I've quit gaming for a while now (ignore whatever my entries say, the numbers are a bit screwy because I'm inconsistent with posting) and I've been able to recognize that a lot of my issues don't come from gaming. Gaming served as an escape from my problems and it definitely gave me some anger issues and social ineptitude, but it isn't my only issue.

I don't play any more and I still feel socially anxious/inept sometimes (working on this, I think I just need to socialize more). I still occasionally experience drops in self-esteem. I still feel impatient and angry at things that don't deserve my anger. That said, my life has improved greatly since I quit. I've actually hung out with friends multiple times (which I hadn't in literal years). I've gotten a job. I've just started playing the guitar and I'm working on my writing (I want to be a writer). Please keep going and if you feel empty, pick up some hobbies. I would VERY much recommend buying a Kindle. You can search up a guide on Reddit for downloading books for free, it's very easy. I've not paid a dime and I have some of the greatest books of all time, which I've enjoyed greatly. Do some things outside. Another tip: I always find that the days when I'm most productive/achieve the most are the most fulfilling days.  Make a checklist of things you want to do for the day (can really be anything, start small) and make it your MISSION to complete those goals. I promise it'll feel good.

Good luck brother, stay strong.

 

[cammyhammy]

18 hours ago, TTT said:

Nothing else compares favourably to the amazing stories/worlds/challenges/companions of a game. Not in the current state of my brain, at least. So I hope I can rewire that, which will take time.

Don't worry, after you stop playing video games for a while (can't give you a specific time frame because all brains are so different), real life starts to get more fulfilling. You get more perspective on video games and realize just how meaningless they are. Something I like to remind myself of time to time when I get urges (which is pretty rare at this point, maybe one real one every couple weeks) is that I spent thousands of hours playing video games and I legitimately have nothing to show for it. No real gaming friends, no skills (except perhaps being able to type fast), nothing that translates to real life

Keep going man, it's worth it.

[cammyhammy]

Where you @, Mattso? It's been a couple weeks, you doing alright?

[mattso]

9 months have passed since my last post, I've had time to think.

In August I quit Path of Exile completely, as it was no longer interesting to me. I haven't logged in since then.

In November I got diagnosed with clinical depression in a light form, I guess since I could still get up and go to school. That would partially explain why suddenly PoE became so dull that I couldn't stand half an hour of playing, I was almost falling asleep in front of my computer, and in my free time I was living in my bed. But I was still gaming on and off, primarily CS:GO. I would rage and quit, telling myself that I'll never touch this game again, only to come back the day after.

I'm about to finish highschool, and I don't know who I am. My identity was always based on external factors- first my school results, then a video game. Now that both those things are gone, I don't know what I live for. I don't care for money, any particular profession, any item, having children or anything. I'm still an awkward loner who avoids everyone aside from few people I feel comfortable around. I don't have a deep connection with anyone. Still noone wants to hang out with me. I've been on NoFap for 80 days now, it's easy since my meds have lowered my libido. I haven't played in almost 2 weeks, not because I'm commited, but because I'm bored. It's easy to not do a thing, but life is about doing things.

I don't care about quitting games, they are not The issue, my problems are more deeply rooted. That last time I joined this movement was a strange period. I was still largely unaware of myself, I jumped onto a hype train against gaming and expected that all my problems would eventually vanish if I just stopped gaming. Not the case. I feel like I was forcing myself to feel good. It reminds me of when I was religious, ugh. I still cringe when thinking about some of the stuff I said during that time.

Notice how many I's there are in this post. Yea. I guess I'm too irrelevant for any reasonable human to prioritise me. The only hope I see for myself is therapy, which I'm going to start in May. For now, I feel lost, pointless and hopeless.

Also, a few hours ago I checked out PoE's website. A new league is starting tomorrow. I looked up one news article, and immediately the memories came back. Exploring these wondrous worlds, doing all the different stuff, looking at my character getting stronger, the music... But no. I won't come back to it. It will only hurt me more in the long run. I'm not sure about story-based games, but stuff that's meant to be played indefinitely- no. I still don't want to play... but I won't focus so much on this one aspect anymore.

Edited March 12, 2020 by mattso

[cammyhammy]

Hey. Just checking in after a few month hiatus and came across your profile. I'm sorry you're dealing with depression, it sounds terrible. I'm glad you've come to the realization that escaping to video games is a symptom of a deeper problem than video game addiction. That's an important breakthrough. I wish the best for you, Mattso.