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mattso

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I've been making my own notes since day 1, but I reckon that I should start posting here- to possibly get some advice from others and make my recovery more effective. I tend to think about many things in life that if I don't do it entirely myself, it doesn't count, but I see that it's just dumb and I should get rid of that thinking, beacuse in most cases it just makes everything harder and doesn't reward me in any way. I'll also start commenting on some other journals so that I don't just leech and give nothing in return. Doesn't feel right to do it. I'll post relevant things that happened in past 2 weeks in one big comment and then... well, write more things that come up.

Day 1

Turned on my PC just to remove all bookmarks about gaming from my browser- it looks so empty. Wanked once, felt wrong after doing it. Feeling like I should do a nofap along nogame, since they do the same thing to my brain. Did some changes to my phone- removed all icons of apps that could potentially suck me in from home screen- i have to manually search for them in order to open them, and that gives me time to think what I want to do there. Other than that checked my phone only once the entire day. I know I can't substitute gaming with mindlessly browsing internet- it's a jump from one addiction to another. Went to bed early, couldn't sleep for 3 hours, was reminiscing a summer camp from a few years back- the last time I really enjoyed myself. Had a minor mental breakdown, had to pet my cat to calm down- fell asleep after that.

Day 2

Wanked once again, felt even more wrong than previously. Read a book for a few hours, felt really sleepy again in the evening and didn't really do much else. Checked my phone 2 times, spent next to no time there.

Day 3

Actually had dreams, furthermore none were about games. Feels amazing. Spent some time with my younger brother. Planning to look for some new hobbies tomorrow, realised I have a guitar.

Day 4

Un-subbed from all gaming channels on YT, all gaming subreddits. Did a lot of rambling on creating vs consuming. Panicked for a second because of a thought that something like reading books is consuming rather than creating, but calmed down after realising that not all I do has to be creating. Played some guitar.

Day 5

Winter holiday ended, didn't go to school because of a broken ankle, but did some schoolwork- previously I wouldn't even attempt to do it. Feels nice to finally not abandon it.

Day 6

Cleaned up my computer from anything game-related so that I don't get tempted. Made a decision to keep up a nofap.

Day 7

Woke up late, only managed to do some schoolwork before going to a doctor. Turns out I'll still have to use crutches to walk. Sigh. It's been a month since I walked on two legs. After returning felt absolutely powerless, just laid in my bed doing nothing, then spent 1,5 hours on YT, nothing gaming-related though. Felt a bit guilty after that. Was I supposed to not succumb and work instead? Realised that I shouldn't think of gaming as a reward for good behaviour.

Day 8

Feeling unfocussed and tired, read for a bit, spent some time reading stories on gamequitters, but felt annoyed by them more than anything else. Perhaps because of envy.

Day 9

Unfocussed again, played some guitar.

Day 10

Spent most of my time learning for my English test.

Day 11

Went to school for the first time in over a month- good to see people again. Realised the importance of constant growth. Felt tired in the evening, registered on the forums, started working on my introduction.

Day 12

Spent my entire afternoon writing an introduction. Starting to feel like I'm forgetting why I'm doing that entire detox thing.

Day 13

Didn't go to school because my ankle is swollen and hurts. Started meditating, will continue. Spent some time on my computer trying to start a journal, but got distracted and couldn't get my mind to do anything, got angry and turned it off. Grabbed Metro 2033 out of boredom, spent 6 hours reading it. Not sure how I feel about it.

Day 14 (today)

Still at home, felt weary and spent pretty much an entire day reading. I have some schoolwork to do, but I keep telling myself that I'll do it on the weekend. Started a journal. In the evening still feeling weary. Tomorrow I'll get a grip and start doing what I have to do.

Some additional things that I want to mention:

During the 2 weeks, to my surprise, I had pretty much no desire to play at all. I caught myself daydreaming about games a few times, but that's about it. I really didn't feel like I want to play. A greater problem seems to be the feeling of wearyness, which has been haunting me for the past week or so. I've been avoiding spending time browsing content, but I find myself checking my phone to see if anyone messaged me when I'm just bored. Played guitar every day since day 4 for a couple days, but did none of it in past 3 days... doesn't seem as appealing anymore. Overall I've been pretty idle in the past few days, should focus on not procrastinating. Once I finish my schoolwork tomorrow, I'll look for some more hobbies, because meditation and reading feel like too little right now. Unfortunately, my options are limited to in-door activities, because, again, broken ankle. I'll look into organising my journal better, because so far it seems messy and incomplete in many ways.

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Day 15

Had a dream where I was playing Path of Exile, I entered a map, and when I got some drops my lootfilter made a sound, and when I realised that I'm excited by that sound, I felt guilty and turned my game off. I guess that's a good sign. Woke up at 9 AM, so I'd say normal for a day off, did some meditation before breakfast, then realised I have schoolwork to do and felt good because I knew what to do next. Once I was done I played my guitar for like 30 minutes, actually enjoyed it- I want to do it regularly so that my fingers get tougher and stop hurting as much. After that I browsed forum, I wanted to comment under someone else's journal but couldn't find anything to say. Then I didn't know what to do, started feeling empty and decided to read. Later I chatted with my sister and mom, then thought that since I'm so sleepy I'll just post here and go to sleep after that. I finally have "The Power of Habit" and "The Slight Edge", so I should have something to do during the weekend. It sucks that I don't go outside and here the sun sets at 4:30 PM. Not great for my mood. I was thinking of returning to programming, as we are taught that at school, but I effectively stopped learning after half a year and made no progress since then. I really want to just walk normally... As far as I know myself I probably wouldn't care the next day, but still.

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Day 16

Woke up late, forgot to meditate in the morning. Unlucky. I'll try to remember tomorrow. In the morning I started reading "The Power of Habit", spent most of my day doing it- got through the first chapter, now I understand how habits are formed and how it's possible to change them. Meditated after that, then went to codecademy, but didn't do much there. And suddenly I'm tired and it's 8:30 so I might as well update my journal, meditate and go to sleep. Time feels slow.

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Day 17

Meditated in the morning, I feel more and more comfortable with doing it. Still getting distracted by sounds around me, but that's normal from what I've heard. Did schoolwork after that, and then for the rest of my day I was reading "The Power of Habit". Finished the Basics series on Headspace. That wasn't much, but I made some progress on something, and that's good.

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Day 18

Went to school after a break, it was much better than a week ago since a few people returned from a competition held in another city. Funny to see how it's just like five people and when they come back it's an entirely different world- everything seems to just... work. Despite my injury I enjoy having a "be slightly nicer to me" aura around myself. After coming back home I couldn't find 15 minutes of calm to meditate, someone would constantly interrupt me, but that's my fault- I just missed that moment and I'll catch it tomorrow. Had no schoolwork for tomorrow, so I finished reading "The Power of Habit". I'm sure I'll come back to it in the future. A pretty lazy day, classes were easy, I read a book... yeah. I keep thinking about my appointment on Thursday, because my leg still hurts, and I have no idea what to expect from it. Last time, the doctor took my plaster off, scanned my leg and was like "You'll wear an orthosis, see ya in 2 weeks." I'll meditate now and then call it a day.

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On 2/16/2019 at 6:39 AM, mattso said:

Day 15

Had a dream where I was playing Path of Exile, I entered a map, and when I got some drops my lootfilter made a sound, and when I realised that I'm excited by that sound, I felt guilty and turned my game off. I guess that's a good sign.

 

Do you usually remember your dreams? I've been logging mine since I remember all of them vividly hahaha (Though I relapsed yesterday). This is really interesting to me though! Whenever I get far into a streak and dream about gaming, I don't stop gaming in the dream. Rather I start thinking 'damn, now I need to reset my streak'.  Gets hard to tell sometimes if I really did game or not lol.

 

Hope everything goes well for your leg, get well soon! You're doing great so far!

 

Also hope you keep playing that guitar. When I first started out, I played relentlessly until I couldn't physically go on anymore hahaha. Was a really awesome experience though learning from the start and seeing my progress now :)

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20 hours ago, TwoSidedLife said:

Do you usually remember your dreams?

I usually do, especially when they mention something I care about (such as gaming). I don't go as far as logging them, but if I have a moment in the morning (I usually don't on weekdays) or during the day, I like to sit down and re-run them in my mind, thinking of as many details as I can. I used to write them down, but when I had five dreams in one night it would take too much time to write them down with all details. Sometimes I recall them upon seeing or hearing something which was a part of my dream- when I walk up to my stove, I think "Oh right, I was dreaming of cooking spaghetti and pots were appearing out of nowhere". I read a book, I see someone say "And that's a mistake... a mistake." and I remember that someone said it to me in my dream when I was explaining to them that I don't gamble.

20 hours ago, TwoSidedLife said:

Whenever I get far into a streak and dream about gaming, I don't stop gaming in the dream. Rather I start thinking 'damn, now I need to reset my streak'.  Gets hard to tell sometimes if I really did game or not lol

I experienced something similar this night where (in my dream ofc) I was fighting a boss, I saw his death animation and loot dropping, then realised I had been gaming for over an hour, and started thinking "Why did I start playing... does that mean I have to restart my detox?" I was so confused.

20 hours ago, TwoSidedLife said:

Hope everything goes well for your leg, get well soon! You're doing great so far!

Thanks for your kind words... mate :^) .

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Day 19

Went to school again, not much happened there, after returning felt like laying down, turning away from the light and doing nothing, spent around 3 hours like this, probably napped in the meantime, then started reading and it's late, so I decided to finish my schoolwork in the morning, meditate and go to bed. When I was meditating yesterday something unexpected happened. I was listening to my breath, then realised I can heart my heartbeat- never had it happen before, but that's probably fine, I thought. As I continued to listen, it started to go faster and become louder, and suddenly I started to feel lust- I remembered that I'm during a nofap so I restrained myself, but that feeling of warmth covered my body, and I started to feel like I'm going to fall asleep while being conscious, even felt first signs of sleep paralysis (pressure in my chest), but then it backed off and left my body petrified and with no feeling. While all of this was happening I completely lost track of what I was supposed to do, but I didn't care enough to repeat my session and went to bed. Now I'm going to meditate before sleep again and see if I can overcome it if it happens again.

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Wow! Yeah, it's pretty much the same w my dreams. I filled up an entire book when I was in hs, would take me hours to do but I didn't care about being late back then lol. I don't like re-running mine, so I guess you're move level headed then I am haha.

---

Sounds like you almost had an astral projection! I've never tried it before on purpose, but I did it once when I was meditating. I just rolled over, sat up a bit and had my arm holding my weight on the corner of my desk. Then a few moments later I was thinking 'Wait, why am I half sitting up? I'm trying to sleep'.  So I laid back down. Then I opened my eyes and realised I never moved. Was really strange, looked exactly like real life. :)

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What programming languages do you learn at your school? CodeAcademy is a good way to start, but it depends on personal motivation to continue in that environment. I like more something like courses on udemy. It's paid ones, but it doesn't cost you too much and gives you a good environment (not the best) to place yourself while learning coding.

Also, in my first year (near the end of college's year) I became so irritated with coding that I didn't touch it for 3 remaining months, and even more so during summer vacations. After starting my second year I suddenly found myself incompetent, it ignited me to learn more. I love to code, but because of gaming I couldn't devote myself completely to coding. Now, after stoping gaming, I find motivation to even learn new programming languages.

P.S: If it's your first year lerning to code, I think you lost motivation because you still don't understand it enough. I have a lot of classmates who had the same problem as you, just try to stick to it. It becomes more interesting as you learn more. Also, you might incounter another problem: as you learn more, your ego starts growing bigger. Some internship will help you keep it at check, but it's future problem, not current so don't bother with me, haha.

Good luck in your fight with addiction!

Edited by WuqingDi

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@WuqingDi It's all about C++ in my school. I'm in the middle of my second year of learning, though, as I mentioned earlier, I was making progress until half a year in and then I stopped. The reason why I'm trying to start over is because it's something that seems somewhat within my reach and... I guess could help me build up my future? But I don't really know what to do next.

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Day 20

Ayy, my second 10 day mark. Really not much happened today. Came home with the same feeling as yesterday, but weaker, so it didn't stop me from doing what I had to do, and the day just... passed. I should pay more attention to how often I drink water, at school realised that I had drunk 0,15 l in 5,5 hours. What a boring day. I need something to make progress on.

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6 hours ago, mattso said:

But I don't really know what to do next.

Nobody knows, it's normal to feel ambiguous about future. If there aren't any important tasks, I'd suggest you to take a pause from coding or try to learn another programming language. If you take a pause, even one month will do you good.

Also, I'd suggest you choice a path you want to follow and stick to it (at least for some time), i.e. what you want to do as a coder: web developing (front-end. back-end), MAC, Windows app developer, phone app developer, etc. Try to find what you want to do as a coder, then find some information about skills you'll need to have and start building your foundation. If you have motivation, learning new things will be enjoyable and also rewarding. I can relate that programming tasks from school can sometimes kill all motivation to code (and even see something that'll remind you about it), but if you do it out of passion it'll become 100 time better and more enjoyable than ever.

Whatever you'll choice, be it a pause or a new language (or just sticking to c++), good luck!

2 hours ago, mattso said:

Day 20

Ayy, my second 10 day mark. Really not much happened today. Came home with the same feeling as yesterday, but weaker, so it didn't stop me from doing what I had to do, and the day just... passed. I should pay more attention to how often I drink water, at school realised that I had drunk 0,15 l in 5,5 hours. What a boring day. I need something to make progress on.

At times like this, I just listen to System of a Down - Lonely Day🤣

Edited by WuqingDi

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Day 21

Turns out I can walk without an orthosis. I'll have to use crutches for the next few days, and then I'll walk with no support once I feel comfortable with it. My leg turned out to be a lot better than I thought. Me dramatizing happens more than I'd like to admit. Other than that, started reading "The Slight Edge". So far I've only gotten through the introduction, but I'm starting to see why so many people recommend it.

I don't want to get to a point in life where I stop and say "That's enough. I don't have to do anything else.", because then it's not living anymore.

How do I like myself despite seeing all my flaws?

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Day 22

Man, that was a day full of thoughts. In my notebook I wrote more pages in one day than in the past seven days.

I need to take care of my social life. Now that I don't watch streams anymore, which acted as my supply of contact with people, I see that currently I do not belong in any of the social groups that I'm a part of.

Assuming that since the beginning of highschool I've played 4 hours a day, after 1,5 years that gives roughly 2200 hours wasted on gaming. That doesn't include the time spent on the internet or gaming before middle school. If I sacrificed those (at VERY least) 2200 hours to, let's say, learning a new language, how fluent would I be at it right now?

Don't envy ones who are more successful than you right now. Life doesn't end when you reach 30 (for me, that is).

I should look into using habits to my own benefit and save my willpower.

Today I chatted with my sister for two hours. And it's the best conversation I've had in a long time. I had so many opportunities to do it, but gaming was always more important. Not anymore. Sounds trivial, but this shows how many essential things I was deprived of.

I see that my environment has an influence on me. Being a part of an enviroment full of resentment and what not makes a difference on how I function.

I had sooo many thoughts about the future, all the possible things I could start doing, what would happen afterwards... It feels overwhelming when you think about all of it in one evening, even though I tell myself that I don't have to grasp everything at once. It's important that I come back to those ideas later, once my mind is clearer.

I have low self-esteem, I didn't know how to build it, but after watching Cam's video on it, it seems trivial now: lower the bar and find anything that you can be proud of today. Whenever you succeed, appreciate it.

For the first time since around day 8, I finally felt the drive. The excitement about what I'm doing. Something more than everyday routine. So, since I mentioned self-esteem, here's three things that I'm proud of today:

- I chatted with my sister and it felt amazing.

- I gained information on the compounding effect, and I'm starting to understand this concept more and more.

- I was envious of someone, but then took it easy and it didn't hinder me.

Gonna continue reading The Slight Edge tomorrow. I'm so tired right now. Good night.

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Day 23

I no longer need crutches to walk, even though I limp a bit. Spent most of my day reading "The Slight Edge" and thinking about everything in it. The experiment with thinking about your life for 5 minutes, but once while staring at the floor, and then while staring at the ceiling really made my day. Building a positive mindset helps too, it's amazing how being happy about little achievements improves my overall mood. According to TSE:

"Waiting to be happy limits our brain's potential for success, whereas cultivating positive brains makes us more motivated, efficient, resilient, creative and productive, which drives performance upward."

Same as yesterday, I've felt engaged with the world around me and eager to do stuff. And I'm excited about what awaits me as my journey continues- I remember that I shouldn't be expecting to get the results tomorrow though. Seed, cultivate, harvest.

My prides for today:

- I feel quite comfortable with basic guitar chords, I think it's time to look into playing fragments of songs (that'll probably take much longer than chords, haha).

- I walked around my house. With no support.

- I look at myself in the mirror and I'm glad to see my reflection.

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Day 24

Today was kind of an emotional rollercoaster. Started off positive, after 2 days of break I found some time to meditate and relax my body, and then, without going into details, my mood started going down over time due to some family issues, then I discharged all of it during a conversation with a friend, after that I had some fairly disturbing visions about being attacked by a slasher, being kidnapped, seeing other people die... I couldn't get my mind to do anything, and I had that awful feeling of crippling fear, so I found it justifiable to watch some stuff on YT, and luckily I stumbled upon some, let's say, heart-warming content. And that lead me to where I am right now, tired, but surrounded by serenity. Today I'm proud of myself for enduring my anxiety and not gaming or fapping.

"The oppressive atmosphere slowly dissipates..."

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Day 25

Read some more TSE, got down to setting specific goals in the future, because they've been floating around my head for a bit, and it's about time I started working on them. I'll write down my plans tomorrow because I'm too tired rn. Also I overrated my abilities when it comes to walking, and my leg still hurts. Oh well, one day at a time. Eventually I'll recover fully.

Had some cravings for PMO over the last few days, but I don't focus on them, let them pass and then I go bout my way.

Grateful for:

- Seriously thinking about my future goals

- My willpower growing in strength

- A sunny day 8^)

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Day 26

I feel like I barely remember what happened today. I was content in one moment when I realised how I have no mental fog, but then something something and boom, lethargy. I really dislike how I don't know if I should be easy on myself because it's potentially a withdrawal symptom, or not because discipline, slight edge, you gotta improve constantly etc. Now I have a list of 5 future goals with plans, but today I did nothing to work on them. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Doubt is me today. My plan for tomorrow/upcoming days is to look at my list every day and repeat it until I find myself eager to take action on one day or feel so guilty because of doing nothing that I'll start working.

On the upper hand, I'm approaching my new personal best on staying off PMO (currently day 24 btw). Previously my longest streak was around 25-28 days. No idea how to end this post.

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Day 27

Did anything programming-related for the first time since November. Nothing big, but it's my first step forward. I wonder where I'll go next. I just can't have enough of my mental clarity (no mental fog, that is). Starting to get back into my daily routine, and I should look into how much time I spend on what, because days seem to pass suspiciously quickly.

Grateful for turning my anger into something productive today.

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Day 28

Maaan I had an important contemplation about my relations with people, but it was under emotions, and when they faded away all things I had written seemed to have no meaning. And then mental fog and CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'VE DONE NOTHING TODAY! AGAIN! 

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Day 29

I don't know where my drive went. In the morning I meditated, but I felt like nothing changed afterward, I got frustrated, then loneliness hit me. It wasn't a problem until recently. Then lethargy came, I kinda got trapped in YT but realised it quickly and stopped, then realised I hadn't read anything in a couple days and read until 00:30- I can afford that since hey, weekend, and I lost track of time. It wasn't anything about self-development, though I feel like I should read those, and I'm guilty about not doing it. Another day with no significant progress it feels like. I mean I got through another day, I didn't relapse on PMO despite urges... And the rest was almost entirely browsing internet. I wanted to overcome apathy, and despite finding some answers I didn't try them out.

Loneliness was probably my biggest reason for gaming. I got rid of the social layer provided by games and streams, and now I have to get out there and talk to people... I can't reach out to new people. I look at a circle and think that it won't work before even trying. Another time I walk up to a circle, but I don't even try to get into a conversation- I think I won't have anything to say, and I'll just next to them like some creep, so why bother. I assume I look like a desperate or whatever (now it seems absurd but try to convince me when it's happening). Ironically, when I want to do something about it, the weekend starts, and I spend all of it alone, without meeting anyone. It's been like that for 2,5 years now. How so? It's really simple- I get no invitations, and I'm not exaggerating when saying that, and I can't text to anyone asking if they're doing anything- they probably don't want me around, or they'll reply "No". To be fair, I never even tried. For 2,5 years I would do nothing on weekends, just play. The only people I talk to are those from school, and only at school. Ok, let's be real, I have no acquiantances outside of my class. Yes, I'm ashamed to admit that, but that's the truth. And those aren't even close relationships, it's just chatting at school, nothing else. I only have one close friend. Without him I think I'd actually develop some serious mental disease a long time ago. For 2,5 years I never searched for opportunities to meet new people, the only social group I'm a part of rn is my class. Games were all I needed, friendships were unnecessary. I'm trapped by my own mind. It's not that I had other passions or friends but games were slowly pushing those away from me. No. Gaming straight up nuked everything else out of my life. And now I'm deprived of all that and I have to somehow tune in with everything else around me. I'm writing this really late, not in emotional pain, but rather in numbness due to the time. Ironically this state seems similar to what is the goal of meditation- being aware of everything around me, not engaging with any thoughts that come to my head. I don't know if I feel right or wrong about it. At least I can finally get my thoughts together.

I can't feel gratitude right now but my pride today is that I resisted a big urge to fap. I'm bragging, yes, who cares.

That's all I can think of. Send help.

Edited by mattso
building sentences is hard

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Day 30

Spent an entire day on a C++ course, didn't learn many new things, rather revised, so that's good. Some porn cravings in the evening, no problem. Also, my first major milestone.

Day 31

Had a dream about watching soft porn (only watching, not touching myself). When I saw that I came a bit I decided to stop and my dream ended. Meditated in the morning- actually felt the results, I was chilled out and not annoyed about anything. Spent most of my day on schoolwork, went on a walk in the meanwhile, and I think that's gonna be it for today.

Gratitude list:

If 2 months ago I had cravings similar to yesterday's, I would surely break. Yesterday I didn't.

I have a warm place to sleep in.

I finally picked up on some programming after postponing it for almost 2 weeks.

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Day 32

A group of students from Israel visited our school and we spent an entire day at school with them. It was sooo refreshing to meet a bunch of complete strangers, not only that, but strangers from a different culture. We spent time chatting, doing sports, overall had a great time. However after that ended and I was coming home, I felt frustrated with just looking at regular people and... they seemed so dull, bored and lifeless. I couldn't get over it, I felt lonely and spent 2 hours lying in my bed. Started doing schoolwork later, guess what: putting everything off until the last day wasn't a good idea, who would have thought. 18 years old btw. I somehow finished not that late. Gratitude:

- Had time to sleep for 7 hours.

- Overall really happy about the meeting, people were really friendly. I don't think I've ever spoken to more strangers in one day.

- I didn't know who Omer Adam is, and I didn't know I needed him in my life. Now I know both.

- I could try out my spoken English in practice.

- For the first time since my injury I spent an entire day walking without crutches. I still limp, and can't run, but it's still great.

- 30 days without porn, that's definitely my new record.

Day 33

More or less a regular school day, but I did everything I had to do for school as well as studied for myself. No mental fog, no blues. Cool and good. Have to figure out what to do with my guitar next, because I'm stuck rn. I can't think of anything else. Still grateful for all that happened yesterday.

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