mattso 19 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 I've been making my own notes since day 1, but I reckon that I should start posting here- to possibly get some advice from others and make my recovery more effective. I tend to think about many things in life that if I don't do it entirely myself, it doesn't count, but I see that it's just dumb and I should get rid of that thinking, beacuse in most cases it just makes everything harder and doesn't reward me in any way. I'll also start commenting on some other journals so that I don't just leech and give nothing in return. Doesn't feel right to do it. I'll post relevant things that happened in past 2 weeks in one big comment and then... well, write more things that come up. Day 1 Turned on my PC just to remove all bookmarks about gaming from my browser- it looks so empty. Wanked once, felt wrong after doing it. Feeling like I should do a nofap along nogame, since they do the same thing to my brain. Did some changes to my phone- removed all icons of apps that could potentially suck me in from home screen- i have to manually search for them in order to open them, and that gives me time to think what I want to do there. Other than that checked my phone only once the entire day. I know I can't substitute gaming with mindlessly browsing internet- it's a jump from one addiction to another. Went to bed early, couldn't sleep for 3 hours, was reminiscing a summer camp from a few years back- the last time I really enjoyed myself. Had a minor mental breakdown, had to pet my cat to calm down- fell asleep after that. Day 2 Wanked once again, felt even more wrong than previously. Read a book for a few hours, felt really sleepy again in the evening and didn't really do much else. Checked my phone 2 times, spent next to no time there. Day 3 Actually had dreams, furthermore none were about games. Feels amazing. Spent some time with my younger brother. Planning to look for some new hobbies tomorrow, realised I have a guitar. Day 4 Un-subbed from all gaming channels on YT, all gaming subreddits. Did a lot of rambling on creating vs consuming. Panicked for a second because of a thought that something like reading books is consuming rather than creating, but calmed down after realising that not all I do has to be creating. Played some guitar. Day 5 Winter holiday ended, didn't go to school because of a broken ankle, but did some schoolwork- previously I wouldn't even attempt to do it. Feels nice to finally not abandon it. Day 6 Cleaned up my computer from anything game-related so that I don't get tempted. Made a decision to keep up a nofap. Day 7 Woke up late, only managed to do some schoolwork before going to a doctor. Turns out I'll still have to use crutches to walk. Sigh. It's been a month since I walked on two legs. After returning felt absolutely powerless, just laid in my bed doing nothing, then spent 1,5 hours on YT, nothing gaming-related though. Felt a bit guilty after that. Was I supposed to not succumb and work instead? Realised that I shouldn't think of gaming as a reward for good behaviour. Day 8 Feeling unfocussed and tired, read for a bit, spent some time reading stories on gamequitters, but felt annoyed by them more than anything else. Perhaps because of envy. Day 9 Unfocussed again, played some guitar. Day 10 Spent most of my time learning for my English test. Day 11 Went to school for the first time in over a month- good to see people again. Realised the importance of constant growth. Felt tired in the evening, registered on the forums, started working on my introduction. Day 12 Spent my entire afternoon writing an introduction. Starting to feel like I'm forgetting why I'm doing that entire detox thing. Day 13 Didn't go to school because my ankle is swollen and hurts. Started meditating, will continue. Spent some time on my computer trying to start a journal, but got distracted and couldn't get my mind to do anything, got angry and turned it off. Grabbed Metro 2033 out of boredom, spent 6 hours reading it. Not sure how I feel about it. Day 14 (today) Still at home, felt weary and spent pretty much an entire day reading. I have some schoolwork to do, but I keep telling myself that I'll do it on the weekend. Started a journal. In the evening still feeling weary. Tomorrow I'll get a grip and start doing what I have to do. Some additional things that I want to mention: During the 2 weeks, to my surprise, I had pretty much no desire to play at all. I caught myself daydreaming about games a few times, but that's about it. I really didn't feel like I want to play. A greater problem seems to be the feeling of wearyness, which has been haunting me for the past week or so. I've been avoiding spending time browsing content, but I find myself checking my phone to see if anyone messaged me when I'm just bored. Played guitar every day since day 4 for a couple days, but did none of it in past 3 days... doesn't seem as appealing anymore. Overall I've been pretty idle in the past few days, should focus on not procrastinating. Once I finish my schoolwork tomorrow, I'll look for some more hobbies, because meditation and reading feel like too little right now. Unfortunately, my options are limited to in-door activities, because, again, broken ankle. I'll look into organising my journal better, because so far it seems messy and incomplete in many ways. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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