Super Saiyan Journal

[SuperSaiyanGod]

So, I've been invited here by Cam, when we were talking during the free coaching session. When was that? About a month ago. Anyway, hi. This is the guy from Poland.

I'm trying to have a serious talk with myself about what I wanna do in my life. I write everything in my journal. Here I'm gonna be writing only the gist of it.

It seems a huge obstacle for me is fear. I'm addicted to gaming and porn, and every time I try to kickstart my recovery, I get scared and go back to those very same things after just a few days. The problem is, I can't imagine my life without those things.

I'm supposed to never ever play games again and never ever look at hot chics and masturbate? I've been doing this for so long, it has become part of my identity. I'm gonna have to struggle for the rest of my life, denying myself the pleasures I've been endulging for years, that I've become completly reliant upon?

This is like climbing a mountain and after a few days of an easy walk I realise I'm standing in front of a huge, vertical wall, so tall that I can't see the end of it. I might try to climb it, but I have no idea if it's ever gonna go even a bit easier.

Anyway, if I want to live the kind of life I want to have, I just have to prepare for the fear and be reay to deal with it when it starts. And I have to realise this truth, that if I'm to get the life I want to have, I have to NEVER AGAIN LOOK AT PORN, NEVER AGAIN PLAY ANY GAME, NEVER AGAIN FANTASIZE about anything.

And also never again sleep until 1pm., or make a day free from training or from studying. Those aren't as scary, those I actually see as an opportunity. The ones above are the real deal.

For now I've gotten rid of my gaming accounts, both worth a fuckload of money. They're completly unrecoverable right now. That's all for now.

Edited January 6, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[Cam Adair]

Hey! Awesome to have your journal up here - a new journal on the forum makes my day.

And another member from Poland. We've got to be up to 4 or 5 now? Maybe more? (Did you know a few of our materials are currently being translated into Polish?)

Everything you've shared is common in the community. The identity, the fear of the unknown, the relapse. From your journal I feel you're being really hard on yourself, which is natural because many of us also do that too. Have you read any of Brené Brown's work or seen her TED talks? Those helped me a lot.

Good job getting rid of your accounts and posting here. Keep posting. Read others journals and you'll see that progress is possible. If one man can do it, any man can do it.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Hi. It's great to be here.

Yesterday I relapsed on the porn front, I guess I just gave up. Today I didn't relapse on any front, although it has been one of my worst days ever. I was on a meeting for sex addicts and suddenly I felt this terrible depression. I was sure I was going to relapse the minute I got home, but after all I didn't. Why? I guess I didn't want to... I wanted the day to make sense. Not sure how to describe it.

As for the day making sense. Today I got up, meditated, stretched and warmed-up for training, but then decided I don't have enough strength to train. I wasted some time and then trained anyway, with good results. Then I didn't know what to do. I wondered how to make the day meaningful, purposeful. Memorable. Normaly my goal, or purpose, for the day would be getting new levels or raising skills in a game. But today I didn't have that, so...

I have to make en experiment for non-verbal comunication class, with three other people. I gave some thought to it, tried some technical things, because one of my jobs is to change a recording in order to make it lower but still natural. I was wondering if that's even possible. Didn't do anything real for the project nevertheless. I played the guitar for an hour, which is nice, as I thought I wouldn't have enough material  to keep playing for a whole hour and not get bored. Usually I can't do that for even 30 minutes. So that's a progress. And then there was the meeting but that's a different story.

I guess I just need an activity that is going to feel purposeful, something I can do for a long time, and something where I can see that I'm making progress, so I can feel good about it. Gaming also offers many rewards, but with other things? I guess I'll just have to rely on those a bit less.

I haven't heard of this woman before, but I've read about vulnerability at Mark Manson's blog. I have no problems with that when it comes to relationships, I'm not afraid of being hurt nor do I ever expect to be. I can see that fault in a lot of girls, but that doesn't really matter here. As for other things, I'm not sure how I would be less hard on myself. If you want to improve your life, you gotta suck it up and work hard for it.

However, as for working hard. I started doing strength training 8 months ago and there are pretty much no results for now. Okay, I got super strong legs and I can now do varieties of squats not many people could even do one rep of, but all the other things are still terrible. That's because I've been slacking off on the training and diet. I know if I really wanted to, I could become fit and not fat at all in six months. Maybe if I start now and really focus on a good diet I will be that in July.

Edited January 8, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[Laney]

Whoo! That's a big step getting rid of all your accounts like that. *applause*

I have an idea for you. Since you're having trouble realizing you can live life without porn and games, do a retreat with friends. Go camping or stay in a cabin with no internet and phone service for a weekend. Bring card games, food and a good pair of boots. Enjoy life outside of this obsessive internet world for a bit.

Also remember to not just replace gaming and porn with just solo stuff. Guitar and working out is AWESOME and definitely keep doing that, but keep in mind you need to fulfill your social needs too. It'll get boring real fast if you just spend time with yourself and only yourself.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

So, I've been relapsing hard with other things, but not with gaming. I mean, yesterday I played 2048 for a while in the evening, so I guess I'm still gonna count that as relapse. But not a hard one.

I've been thinking about some stuff. I'm getting a bit fed up with the things that I "have to" or "should" do everyday:

Meditate for ten minutes every day.

Stretch and train every day.

Write in journal every day.

Do self-esteem exercises every day.

Take a walk every day.

Do affirmations for twenty minutes every day.

Read a list of questions every evening.

It's not that I'm trying to do all of the above at once. But I've been doing some of them for at least four months and I still haven't established any of those as a habit. This makes me think that I can't actually change my life.

And how do I know this meditation is even gonna bring me any benefits? How long do I have to wait for them? I hate meditation, yet everywhere I read on personal development, it tells me that it's great for me and I should do it.

Journal is a bit better, it helps me deal with stuff. But I always leave it for later and then I have to write it when it's around midnight and I'd really like to go to sleep.

I'd rather focus on the things that you only do once. Simple. Prepare and conduct an experiment. Done. Write an essay on history of psychology. Done. Prepare a note for the philosophy exam. Done. I've never been good at getting things done, maybe that's where I should actually start.

Thanks, Laney. Only problem is I ain't got any friends. I'm in an association of psychology students; so sometimes we do stuff together, but other than that I have no idea how to fulfill those social needs.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Oh god, I feel like playing a game. It's a game I've never finished and I really want to see the end of the story. Oh, damn it, I'm not gonna do it. I remember what it was last time, when I wanted to play the final part of another saga. I played for 12 hours, and it actually wasn't so terrible, I then deleted it and moved on. But after a few days another urge struck, and then I was playing just for the sake of playing, a game whose story I've already seen. I bet the urge wouldn't appear in the same form if I hadn't played something before.

The thing is, I want to imagine I'm in another world. Like Middle-Earth, or Ferelden, or something... That's what I keep fantasizing about many times. A place that is simpler, and more interesting than this one.

Although I understand that the heroes who live in those worlds, are only doing those great things because they've mastered their emotions. If I had my emotions mastered, I wouldn't have trouble talking to anyone, trying adventures and doing things that are maybe uncomfortable, but worth it in the end.

Another thing is, that the heroes usually have some goal to strive towards. Even if it's just getting out of a prison, a selfish one. Me, I don't have any goals. I don't have any life purpose, I feel like my life doesn't have any meaning. That it doesn't go in any sensible direction, it just keeps moving randomly around.

[Cam Adair]

Hey! Remember that games just fulfill certain needs you have, so your cravings are coming from that place. When you have cravings it's one part just your brain being used to gaming (you're having withdrawals and things like that), and you're also potentially missing certain needs in your life (that gaming used to fulfill.) Identify what they are and you'll be in a better position to deal with cravings.

Also, these two videos can help you:

- How To Deal With Gaming Nostalgia
- How To Deal With Cravings

[Laney]

FYI You can tag me in a post by typing the @ symbol and then my username. I'll get a notification when you tag me. 

You acknowledge you don't have many friends and you see yourself as less emotionally prepared. That's fine, lots of people are emotionally unprepared and grow together  to make friends you gotta get out there. Meetups, clubs, reaching out to friends you have now and hosting/going to events with them. 

The whole reason I decided I needed to quit was because I thought real life was boring in comparison. And it's not! Life is fantastic and exciting, and our technology advancements right now? Soo good. I want you to recapture that! This is your brain on video games, not life is actually boring. 

I get my urge to live in another world out during my pen and paper tabletop games. My creativity and innovative thinking blooms in those sessions and it's fun! (I am part of a Shadowrun campaign as a street samurai)

[gankylosaurus]

With those things you feel like you have to do, if you don't like them, and you've tried them for months without establishing a habit, you should probably pick other things to do. This might require coming up with your goal. Something to strive toward is usually a pretty good motivator. I can't tell you what your goal should be. Mine is to get a fiction book published. One thing I realized recently was that I needed to drop the things I was doing that were totally irrelevant, like learning to code. Maybe you need that kind of treatment.

Also, I've tried meditation, and I couldn't get into it either. I tried to tell myself it made me feel better, but meh. I don't know. If it's not working, then maybe it's just not for you.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

You were right Cam, I am more dedicated. The project we're doing is almost done, and the girls from my job are doing a good job, but still, I'd like to do it all myself. I just know noone's gonna do it with such commitment as I would. The prject isn'e even super important or anything, but I still don't wanna do a half-assed job. I wouldn't imagine myself doing that, it's just not me. Huh, it's nice having at least one productive trait.

I've been gaming for the last couple of days though. This sucks. I don't wanna be a guy who spends his life gaming and watching porn four times a day anymore. I'm gonna get rid of the games again.

I've started a musical project with my friend. He lives in another city, but we're gonna send each other stuff throught the internet, and working on an every-other-day model we're gonna be making songs. We always get insane stuff when we get together, let's see what happens if we do it like this.

Sorry for not responding to you guys, I'm gonna do it next time.

[Cam Adair]

Good to hear your update!

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I'm going to a free therapy. I just remembered my mom got a medical insurance for the whole family, which I forgot about because I don't go to doctors with stuff like flu etc., so I went to the website and found out they have a psychiatrist in my city. I thought it would be great if I could go to therapy, but I was to afraid to tell my parents (I don't make any money myself). Now I can go and they don't even have to find out about it, as it won't cost them another penny. Hope this helps.

For now, back to work. I recently had a day where I had a lot of studying to do and I didn't even once think about porn or gaming.

Edited January 20, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[Mad Pharmacist]

Hi, nice to see fellow-countryman! I'm from Kielce, how about you?

I see we're almost on the same boat! I'm struggling with games and masturbation, and what I can tell is that the girls on porn are fake. Totally

The best way to deal with it is to start meeting girls in real life. In ordinary daily situation.

It helped me a lot. Even short conversation encourages and gives positive energy.

And busy lifestyle is something I'm still working on. When you're busy with things to do, you don't have time to even think about porn/gaming.

[Cam Adair]

That's awesome that you're going to a psychiatrist. Let us know how it is going. I've seen many counsellors in my life and think they are a great resource to use. Also it takes courage to be vulnerable and ask for help, so good job doing this. It's important.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I just played again and deleted it again.

The therapy was a false hope, I only have three free consultations, it's payed beyond that.

[Paul A.]

Yo wassup man!!

I'm actually a Dragon Ball fan myself, I watched Resurrection F a few months back.

Great that you're seeing a counselor bro, I always find it helpful to talk to someone when I'm feeling down. If you don't have the money, maybe there's someone else, like a friend or sibling, that you can talk to for free?

[Cam Adair]

I just played again and deleted it again.

How were you feeling before you played? Any idea what caused you to want to game?

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I don't remember. Same thing as always: I wanna play a game to see the story and be the hero. Anyway, it's been four days with little problems. This month, I've had more studying days than gaming days, which has never happened before in history. Today I got an A at philosophy exam. I thought I was unprepared, but it turns out I actually understood the few things I've read about. Next I have physiology on Thursday and then introduction to psychology next Tuesday. The last one is gonna be a piece of cake, a simple test. The first one is more scary. But I actualy wanna prepare for it as well as possible, I wanna give it everything I've got. My mind is starting to hate doing unproductive things, it's giving me all those weird emotions when I do them. Now I actually feel better when studying than when procrastinating.

There are so many insanely interesting psychology books in my library that I wanna read. Once I pass physiology, I'm gonna jump right at 'em. Previously I've been reading Paulo Coelho, the first book was pretty cool, but the second one seemed just stupid and about nothing, just more of the same thing that was in The Alchemist. Since there aren't any more interesting fiction authors, I'm gonna start reading psychology more seriously. I'm also done with reading self-help, I already know most of that stuff. That's at least for a year, now I just need to get to work.

I'm also probably going on a date after the exams. The girl was buys for the last weeks because she was studying (I wasn't), but we're gonna have more free time after the semester is over. Well, I'd like to think of it as a date. I'm not sure what she thinks, maybe she's just sociable and always excited to go out somewhere. I want to give her some signal, but what to do?

Okay, that comes later, now I'm going back to studying.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

My brain is acting in a weird way. There used to be time when I could play games and watch sitcoms all day and it would provide me with surge after surge of pleasure, without asking anything in return. Now the only thing it likes is studying (though it gets bored with it a bit too quickly - and it doesn't want to read as fast as I'd like it to). Damn you, brain! Pushing me towards success, happiness, lots of sex and an overall incredible future!

I guess my only option is to go along with it, there's just no reason with this guy.

Oh, and it keeps producing all those insanely awesome ideas for a life purpose for me! How am I supposed to live like that?!

[Cam Adair]

Great job on your exam! 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Damn it, I just lost everything I was writing! 10 paragraphs! Screw it, I'm not writing that again. Even though it was important and everything is good. Kinda great actually. Aargh!

[Cam Adair]

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I just passed a really, really hard exam. C+, woohoo!

I'm convinced I would have failed miserably if I was still gaming. Only 9 days so far, but I have no intention of getting back to it.

It appears to me that this is more of a decision thing than willpower or anything else. I don't game, because it doesn't fit into the vision that I have. I've found my life purpose, which is to master psychology, which I'm studying, and there's just no place for gaming in there.

It's like you said Cam. Maybe I've just had this serious talk with myself about what I want my life to be - and now I'm getting to work.

I'm only starting though, so I don't wanna go too far into the future. It's focusing on the now, and simply getting to work, what's allowing me to start dealing with those addictions. I think I screwed up the grammar a bit just then.

By the way, thanks @Laney, @Paul A., @gankylosaurus, @Cam Adair and @hycniejsy for the support. I just have no time to reply to all of you personally every time.

[Cam Adair]

Congrats man! 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Yesterday I relapsed with porn three times, but not with games. It's now been 13 days without games and also that was 8 days of no porn, my high score.

Luckily, this time I have everything written in my journal. My motivations, my goals, my reasons, my thoughts and new discoveries. Everything from those eight days. Once I read that in the evening, I was back on track immediately.

Something is changing, at least temporarily. A month ago or two, it would now be a week-long streak of nothing but relapses.

But still, February in my calendar looks pretty green, with only this one red dot over there on yesterday. It's a calendar where I mark "green" when I've upheld a habit, and "red" when I haven't. I'd show it to you, but I have no way of taking a picture right now.

I just watched the video from San Diego. So many people from our forum? I wish I could be there, but, you know, there's an ocean in the way. @Cam Adair, when you're in Poland, we definetly have to meet

That's it for today. My day's just starting. Now I'll go and finish preparation for tomorrows exam. After that, twoo weeks of holiday! During which there will, hopefully, be a few memorable dates, woohoo

A small edit: By the, way, remember this? Yesterday I thought "starting now, every day of my life is going to be this" - as for the porn problem anyway. With gaming, I guess I still have to wait... a month or so.

 

Edited February 8, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod