Putting down the controller and picking myself up, JKD’s Journal

[JKD]

As I was packing away my PS4, Xbox and Nintendo Switch, I noticed the chords tangling up my legs, thinking of all the time I have wasted away pressing buttons staring at a screen instead of really living life, building myself and fulfilling my destiny.

 

here we go, Day 1

 

Well that’s not true, I have tried quitting before, and have relapsed , and have even posted on this site before, and had an accountability buddy and everything, I was going strong for a week and then the cravings came back and autopilot kicked in, When I get knocked down I gotta pick myself up again, this is Josh D, I feel like I said to much with my old journal in the beginning statements and didn’t want that to be the first thing I or others. would read, 

this is the second and final journal,  starting differently this time, maybe this will work out

 

I have just finished trauma therapy with my therapist and I’m about to be transferred to see a Doctor of Medical Qigong/Therapist,  basically I am getting a new therapist which I am super pumped for because I was her client in the past.

im preparing for therapy by giving all my systems to my parents so they can hide them in the house.  She used to recommend that I stopped  my intense love and passion for gaming, but I didn’t listen and then all of a sudden I am in a psychward doing weird video game things with strangers who look at me funny.

 

i was the craziest nut in that particular ward at the time, now I am on good medication about to meet this therapist and become even more grounded and centered.  I am super excited about starting this journey again and I am going to listen to the podcast and watch more of cam’s videos when I get cravings

I am 24 and going to massage therapy school still and have recently gotten 104 out of 107 points for my final grade in anatomy 1

Hobbies that fill my time

Music

Journaling

Practing Qigong

boadgames

podcasts

reading,

 

i feel tired from school today, so much learning ad testing, bout to give a one hour massage, hope it goes well time to prepare for it,  I am anticipating my future growth from this excellent therapist, so pumped and hopeful about myself and this journey,

i am an addict, and when I talk about it to others it’s not easy but it helps me stay a quitter of gaming

 

Now that I have this on my phone it should be easier to journal,

 

 

[Cam Adair]

Welcome back!

[JKD]

Whooosh there goes a few months, 

 

it it would be nice to say that it’s good to be back but that’s not all true, not cause I dislike this site or idea or community at all.  it’s hard giving it all up,  I am glad this site and community is in the somewhere back of my mind lovingly pestering me like a mother trying to get her kid to to eat those veggies.

 

those veggies sure doesn’t taste good right now but hopefully I will forget the taste of triple chocolate Big Mac ( aka a zero day with nothing but gaming)

 

maybe that hat is just wishful optimism, that goes nowhere and doesn’t produce any results, hmm.

 

welp I am checking in,  talked to my psychiatrist today about his opinion on video game addiction, and he thinks it can be a real issue with young adults,

i mean I still live in my parents basement and game away.  He told me to buy a planner and map my hours out so I don’t freeform game.  So I did, now I am thinking about what to put on the planner for each hour.......

I just found out that I reall like anime and adult cartoons and I think I replace some of my time gaming with this hobby,

This paried with working out at home,

journaling here

practicin Qigong

Designing Boardgames.

listening to music

listening to podcasts like the game quitters one would probably be a good start.

 

Thanks for the welcome Cam, I will be on the discord for gamequitters and leaving all the gamer discord servers

 

 

[DRCC]

Hey Josh,

I know how that feels, "Where did the summer go?!" is exactly what I was thinking as I decided to quit games a week ago. It is hard giving up what's easy and comfortable! If it was easy, we wouldn't need help like this. It never goes away completely, but it does get easier. One thing Cam taught me in the Respawn program is we need all four types of activities to fill the voids games leave: Active, Resting, Social, and Skills. In my opinion it looks like you have a good set of activities you enjoy, but may need to find some social activities as well. Just a suggestion. If you're anything like me, these are the most challenging to start, as there is a risk whenever meeting new people, but I've found there is great rewards that go along with the risk!

Derek

[Soap]

Hey!

I just want to say good luck and... It can be really tough getting away from any addictions, gaming being one of them. I for one, started my journey back in November 2017, did really well for awhile and then as soon as I let my guard down I was back to my old habits. Now I'm here again, for the second time. That's the important thing, never give up, keep trying, every time you fail there is a little bit of success: Such as learning new strategies, learning what works and what doesn't, learning more about yourself etc and thus the next time is always an opportunity to do better.

On 8/6/2018 at 10:00 PM, JKD said:

This paried with working out at home,

Yes! I can vouch for working out at home. I'd recommend setting a long term goal, tracking your progress somehow and making a workout planner. Sometimes it takes awhile to really get into it but I usually find that once I'm going... I'm going... as in I can't stop and I love it.

On 8/6/2018 at 10:00 PM, JKD said:

Designing Boardgames.

That sounds awesome! What sort of process do you usually go through? Have you designed some board games in the past?

[Cam Adair]

How's your week been?

[JKD]

I  appreciate this community welcoming me back.

On 8/9/2018 at 5:13 AM, Cam Adair said:

How's your week been?

Great! Really busy, with School work.   
Before class I was listening to your podcast and It was an episode where you talked about Your brain wants the easiest, quickest, reliable source of dopamine without any work or effort which is totally not normal in the past.  Like,  You can just have nonstop rewards,  thats really not reality.  This coincided perfectly with Pathology class when we discussed Addiction and Alcoholism

My teacher said  something like.. "Receptor cites in the brain are expecting to receive dopamine(the feel good hormone), and once they found a source, the body makes more receptor cites that long for dopamine.  And you can't ever get rid of these thirsty receptor cites.  

I was sort of shocked at that.  How many unnatural receptor sites have I created in my brain with hundreds of hours into Monster Hunter and other Games.  

 which is why you seek a new video game or you need more alcohol to get previous feeling or high in the past.  I believe the word is Tolerance,  it takes more to get High, to get that dopamine.

In alcoholism,  You need more beer to get drunk as an addiction progresses,  In Videogameaholicism, You need more games to get that wow factor.  Unfortunately a game to supply that for me is usually over $20, the biggest wow factor

On 8/8/2018 at 6:04 AM, Soap said:

That sounds awesome! What sort of process do you usually go through? Have you designed some board games in the past?

I have Protypes I play with my friends but I have never went to a publisher or anything like that.  It usually starts off with me tweaking some of my favorite board/party games, Coming up with variants.  And sometimes combining different elements from different games.  I usually write everything down and I throw different things together,  I describe my process as abstract and open minded if that makes any sense,  Like a jazz musician.  If I could team up with someone systematic or scientific in their ways of making games that could go really swell or horrible haha but I would definitely give it a shot.  Bucket List: Go to a board game convention and meet a fellow designer looking to team up.  

.

[Cam Adair]

Yep you nailed it. You can build new pathways overtime, which is why after many years I no longer really feel like gaming - although I do still get cravings from time to time.

[JKD]

I said too much here so I deleted it. Today’s date is 10/23/18

Edited October 23, 2018 by JKD

[JKD]

Day one of 90 day no gaming no fap detox went pretty swell,

 

went to work, explained to my family what a gaming disorder is, and that I might have it, they tried to minimize it by saying stuff like everything is a disorder,

 

I didn’t game at all yesterday. Wanted to clean my room instead and wowee was it messy.  

 

Then was tired and listened to music and went to bed, and failed my first night of no fap,  I’m not too sad about that  there is always tomorrow for a retry,  I’m just glad I didn’t game

 

[JKD]

Day 3 of 90 no gaming detox.

Right now I feel tired cause I just started my morning with a workout but I am doing good,

my concern is what is gonna happen when my old video game friends come along and ask me to hangout and just play video games,  these guys are my bros but it’s too bad that the relationship was built off of video games and hasn’t really gone anywhere to be honest.

 

 

 

the second thing I wanted to post is I think I am still a procrastinator, instead of doing homework and studying now I workout or discover music, which is a lot better than gaming but I need create a reward loop system for studies and homework

hmmm

 

 

[seriousjay]

Quote

these guys are my bros but it’s too bad that the relationship was built off of video games and hasn’t really gone anywhere to be honest.

This is something that I have come to experience recently, and have acknowledged for a very long time. Bottom line is, people that get to know you through things like video games typically won't miss you, or may not even remember you if you lose contact for while. Some even get angry if you tell them you don't want to be their friend anymore or something like that because you're trying to distance yourself from the source of the friendship. This is compounded greatly if you don't actually ever meet the person, and there are many "friendships" that develop online.

The opposite of that is what I experienced with two people recently. The first, who I first met 3 years ago, simply remembered me and sent me a message over Meetup, despite having only met me once. The second, who I actually met a few times during the course of my previous attempt at quitting games, and who I established a meaningful connection with, totally remembered who I was and what we did before when I messaged her on Meetup.

The point is that connections that are built on something with substance actually matter and are meaningful to the people involved in those connections. Through this type of bonding, it strengthens all of us and gives us extra motivation to keep up good habits in our lives. Finding these types of connections is something I am actively working on as I continue my journey through real life and I strongly encourage you to muster up the courage to seek them out yourself. You might be amazed at how much it can help just knowing you have non-family members that actually care about you in your life.

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Quote

the second thing I wanted to post is I think I am still a procrastinator, instead of doing homework and studying now I workout or discover music, which is a lot better than gaming but I need create a reward loop system for studies and homework

You can try reading The Willpower Instinct. I've only gone through chapter 1 myself but it actually goes through the science of willpower and things we can do to actually strengthen it. According to the book, willpower isn't some kind of mystical force that we somehow just have, but an actual brain function that, thankfully, can be practiced and strengthened. This might help you to start doing the things that you know you need to do but don't necessarily want to.

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Last thought, don't be discouraged by relapses. Myself, I've attempted to quit video games I think 4 or 5 times now, maybe even more.. I've honestly lost track. The important thing is, never give up on yourself or the process. Each time you muster up the courage to delete those games once again, you'll have gained skills from your previous attempts to help you along the way in your subsequent attempts. You'll have found things that work and don't work and can optimize how you go about distancing yourself from video games that sets you up for success.

Cheers brother and good luck!

[JKD]

Back again, after a longer relapse,

what brings me here is the fact that I am seeing this girl and last night we were talking about what we fear in life,

 

I told her I fear stagnation. How can I grow if I don’t try new things, no matter what I say I still feel the urge and crave to remain safe and comfortable in front of a tv with a bag of Doritos by my side.  I don’t want to be like this.  I spent 50 bucks on a game last week and I had to ask my parents for money for gas, this has got to come to an end.  I’m almost 25.  I think I want to try signing up for the elite respawn package here at game quitters, I’d love to have a set of tools and something to manage the addiction,

 

heck im hoping some of the skills learned in respawn are transferable too,

 

thanks for the comment Jay, sorry I never got back to you.

 

 

[JKD]

just deleted all my  videogame now I feel weird, but it had to be done

seeking an accountability partner that uses discord, feel free to message me here

[JoshuaKeenan]

Well I am clearly not a stable individual. Resownloaded all my videogames and have been playing them for months.

have been very frustrated with life.

My life feels like it’s falling apart, tomorrow I turn 25 and i just want to have a better quarter of my life compared to my first quarter.

 

tomorrow I will be purchasing the respawn elite package and I am going change my life.

 

 I don’t care how many times I fall and relapse, because when I do reside in the man cave and game away.  I get so frustrated with life.  this is not what life ought to be like.  I must stop gaming or it will stop my life.

[JoshuaKeenan]

By the way this is JKD, lost the password and email to my old account but will continue my journal journey here

[Gaming Zombie]

@JoshuaKeenan Ahh, i am sorry this happened to you again. I really hope this time you will be successful. Also, I ll be following your progress!

[sweblade]

Welcome back JKD, it takes courage to get back on your feet. Please don't feel ashamed that you relapsed, i've done that so many times i can't even track them anymore.Keep pushing through the cravings and i would reccomend buying that elite respawn package! Wishing you the best of luck.

[JoshuaKeenan]

I’m back again after my longest relapse and at a pivital time in my life

 

.  Just graduated massage school in the process of studying for a license test to become a licenensed massage therapist.  Yikes I haven’t studied a lot. And my test is Tuesday.  But I am here one step at a time I guess or baby steps back up the hill.  I’m scared. Hoping that I pass.

[JoshuaKeenan]

Well I am really addicted

 

i am so hard on myself when I am not gaming because of the past trauma, I use games as an escape, still escaping and fearing I’m stuck and I can’t change and no matter how hard I try it’s not enough, this is WAY harder than I thought...

 

it runs deep,  I have no friends, still live in parents basement at 25. Still no massage license even tho I passed my mblex 

life is really hard this way,

 

i need to make a change

[JoshuaKeenan]

Today I went to Starbucks and devised a schedule for me since I am a Licensed massage therapist now

 

no more videogames,  journaling every morning here to track progress, no longer using this as a defeated story of an addict, but turning this around for good.  I need to be kind to myself and find other ways to re-energize.  Work is sooooo draining so I come home to game, now I will work on my body and mind by meditating and working out, and reading Jordan Peterson 12 steps for life. And going to therapy tomorrow with my new therapist. Who specializes in gambling addiction

 

 

i want to design boardgames

be a licensed massage yherapist

 

meet a woman

Overlap videogame memories with positive real life ones

get out of parents basement,

 

will post tomorrow more practically this is just chicken scratch 

7/15/19

 

[JoshuaKeenan]

Yesterday I had some cravings to game at work,  the cravings started when I had to deal with some customers at work and I wanted to feel good or better about it, seeking an instant mood change

 

specifically warframe and overwatch.soon as they came up I told myself I have many many hours in the games and they don’t add anything to my life here in reality.  

Made a lot of phone calls yesterday and got a lot of things done and set up my week.

When I came home it was late and I went straight to bed no gaming.

 

day 2 is going swell so far, though it is the morning.  I work morning shift and plan to hang with family after work cause it’s my moms birthday.

7/17/19

[fawn_xoxo]

Welcome back Joshua, it's good to see you are keeping your word to yourself and coming back to journal. Making out what goals you need to achieve is a great start. You sound decisive, would you like to share what plans you have for dealing with the free time you now have from not playing games? This was the most helpful change in my journey personally.