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Ashley K.

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So I see that the majority of journals were deleted :44_frowning2:

Thats alright. Its nice to start a brand new journal without the having other residual journals. 

Residual? Did I use it correctly? :35_thinking:

Anyway! I'm back after being gone for so long. Relapsing for a long time. I've posted on reddit a few times but I kept relapsing. 

On certain days I played I felt so bored or I felt like my day was being wasted by sitting in the chair looking at the screen. I would look outside and just think of all the things I could have been doing. But I ignored it after awhile and just kept on playing, like it didn't matter because what was I going to do with my day? I don't have a license, a job. But I know I could be working from home doing something, building my own business on the side. Taking my kids outside to play or go for walks.  Each day I kept trying to rationalize the amount of time I played, but its not just about the amount of time. It's about whether or not video games get in the way of more important matters. They are. 

This isn't Day 1 of my journal. This is my introduction to the next chapter in my life. This will be about how I will constantly be surpassing myself with every brand new day :88_raised_hands::100_pray:

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https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/2351-journal-of-a-gamer-mom-possibly-a-manifesto-too/

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/4288-ashleys-journal-for-the-nth-time/

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/4441-taking-one-day-at-a-time/

Ts, ts, ts, making false accusations, aren't we? You hurt my feelings :16_relieved:

(Actually there was an issue with the forum while you were away and now the search index doesn't work apparently. Noticed just now. Spme stuff did actually disappear. Sorry for the inconvenience if this was your case!)

Welcome back!

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Day 1:

Today wasn't so bad. I had some urges but they weren't very strong like they used to be when I initially started to quit a couple of years ago.

I had to take my 1-year-old son to get his blood drawn, along with my 6-year-old in tow. Then, later on, we just shopped around for a bit until it was time to go home. 

Now I'm watching FullMetal Alchemist on Netflix while typing this. Overall, Today was a good day. The only thing I'm still struggling with is time management and goal setting...Since I don't know what I'm good at.

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21 minutes ago, Ashley K. said:

FullMetal Alchemist

One of us! One of us!

The good thing about Netflix is you can plan ahead on which show to watch for how long, so you get the most out of your entertainment, I think. It's hard to plan how long a match of video game would take, and how good the quality of the match is going to be. 

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It really is! One moment you tell yourself "I'm only going to play for an hour." And then several hours pass by it's 9:00 PM. You feel so guilty about it that you just want to take your Xbox/PS4/PC and just smash it. I don't miss any of that. But even with Netflix, you have to make sure you don't end up binge-watching a TV show. 

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Day 2:

Today I'm grateful for:

  • Spending quality time with my children
  • Being able to wake up every morning
  • Having a roof over my head

What did I do today:

Since today was such a beautiful and warm day, my husband and I decided to take the kids out to the park for awhile. I loved watching my older son play with other kids. While I was watching him, I was thinking to myself about how lucky he is to be a kid. Childhood is such an important part of any child. Learning, playing, making friends, being as silly as you want (I act that way almost on a daily basis with them, lol). Also, it's nice learning from the mistakes you've made in the past. As far as my gaming addiction goes, I've learned from it and recognized the signs and feelings. It's easier to let it go. Now when my husband plays his game, I don't get any kind of urge to play. Not even when he watches Twitch. I just either play with the kids, watch a movie on Netflix, read, go on Drama Fever and watch a Korean Drama, go on Udemy and take a course in drawing or look for work from home. 

So far, I've been struggling to figure out what I'm good at. But I keep thinking that maybe I'm trying too hard to know what it is when I should put myself out there and try whatever seems interesting. What do you guys think?

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16 hours ago, Ashley K. said:

So far, I've been struggling to figure out what I'm good at. But I keep thinking that maybe I'm trying too hard to know what it is when I should put myself out there and try whatever seems interesting. What do you guys think?

I would do exactly that! Anything you think would be cool, just give it a go. You may hate it, you may love it. But you will never know until you try! I felt exactly the same so I just started doing random things that I thought would be interesting. It's fun to be spontaneous.

You could get some inspiration from meetup.com or Cam's 60+ hobby ideas somewhere on this forum.

Personally some of the things I have tried over the past 3 months were; Martial arts, Improv classes, Salsa lessons, setting up an online business, meditation, reading, bikram yoga, surfing (when I went to Australia. NOT MUCH SURF IN THE UK), learning more about fitness and diet and going hard in the gym.

And remember, everyone has to start from the bottom so don't be put off by being bad at something. The process of getting better is the fun part!

I hope these recommendations give you some ideas :)

- Brad.

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On 2/20/2018 at 3:48 PM, Skaliq said:

One of us! One of us!

The good thing about Netflix is you can plan ahead on which show to watch for how long, so you get the most out of your entertainment, I think. It's hard to plan how long a match of video game would take, and how good the quality of the match is going to be. 

But the autoplay can get around that! They have worked out exactly how long the average person sits at the end of an episode and subtracted one second for autoplay.

Movies might work differently though.

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Day 3:

Today wasn't as great. Wasnt feeling well due to "womanly problems". So I was moody, sleepy, and just dragging myself all day. On top of it being warm when its supposed to be winter didn't help at all. 

I did have an urge to play after I was watching my husband progress through his game. Then I realized the reason behind why I wanted to play. Because I saw him making progress, getting better, getting items, being stronger. And I figured that is what I want to do also, Be Progressive. And gaming is an easier way to progress because it doesn't take a lot of effort as it would in real life. It made me a bit sad because when it comes to real life, its a lot slower, sometimes it is not as rewarding as you would like it to be, a lot more struggles, but I know that in the end, it's worth it. 

I'm glad I didn't relapse and realized that particular trigger.

 

frederickdouglass1-2x.jpg

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8 hours ago, Ashley K. said:

I did have an urge to play after I was watching my husband progress through his game. Then I realized the reason behind why I wanted to play. Because I saw him making progress, getting better, getting items, being stronger. And I figured that is what I want to do also, Be Progressive. And gaming is an easier way to progress because it doesn't take a lot of effort as it would in real life. It made me a bit sad because when it comes to real life, its a lot slower, sometimes it is not as rewarding as you would like it to be, a lot more struggles, but I know that in the end, it's worth it.

I’ll tell you my favourite quote from gamequitters’ podcast. It’s at the end of episode 3: “Games are extremily explicit in their expectations and consistent in their rewards. Real life is (??), actions and outcomes often have no linear relationship. To a gamer this inconsistency can be extremely demotivating. Getting your life on track doesn’t have an XP bar.”

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On 22/02/2018 at 3:20 AM, Ashley K. said:

It made me a bit sad because when it comes to real life, its a lot slower, sometimes it is not as rewarding as you would like it to be, a lot more struggles

 

frederickdouglass1-2x.jpg

The thing is though, it's actually 10x more rewarding. Especially in the long run. But as gamers we struggle with instant gratification, we're so used to getting our rewards straight away that real life results seem like nothing. But that's why it's so important to track your progress and you can then really see how much you've grown. And I promise you will feel SOOO much better knowing that you're progressing in real life compared to gaining a few items on a video game.

Well done for staying strong!

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Day 1:

So the reason why Im starting from day 1 again is obvious. I relapsed. But I got back up and just started the 90 day detox again.

What I did today:

I worked on my Udemy character art course. Took a ton of notes since the first part of it was very note intensive. After that, I went and picked up my son from school.

I helped him with his homework and then we went ouside for awhile. I wanted to play monopoly with him but it was getting too late and his little brother wasnt going to sleep. So I told him that tomorrow was another day. What suprised me was that he didn't go onto the computer at all to play any games. I feel like I had an effect on him. So I will be doing that more often. 

 

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Day 2:

What I did today:

 

My husband and I took our 1-year-old son, Harper out for a walk in the park. I was such a beautiful day today I didn't want to waste it. I sketched a bit while we were at the park. Then when we came back home we ended up napping. Then later on I went and picked up my older son, Aiden from school and took him to the library. Later on, I had to do a sketch of a character for my course. I hope I can keep up with this and not give up. That's what I'm afraid of the most. Waking up every morning, hoping I don't change my mind and relapse or give up on the drawing. So now I try to make sure that my time is not wasted on things that don't matter.

“Alice: How long is forever? White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.” 
― Lewis CarrollAlice in Wonderland

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Hey Ashley. I am right here with you. This is day 2 for me and I've relapsed twice. It seems you are doing more things than you used to which is awesome though.  I also draw, I'd love to see some of your art.

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Day 5:

I relapsed on Sunday & Monday. I'll be honest, It felt good...for the first few minutes. Then I felt anxious, annoyed, frustrated, zoning out, can't focus on anything but the game. I thought about my responsibilities but I didn't care at that moment. All I cared about was the game. I knew about my courses but I kept saying to myself that I won't ever be able to achieve them, so I might as well deal with it. My mindset started to change when my dog, Harry was acting weird on Sunday.

Harry was acting weird when he came downstairs. He laid in the kitchen for awhile until I went to go check on him again and I saw him laying there with a big pool of bile. I got scared because I have never seen him do that before. He got up and moved and then after a few minutes, his eyes seemed like they were unable to focus on anything. My mother decided to take him to the vet in the morning. 

He wasn't going to make it. 

I went back upstairs with my 1-year-old son, Harper and I heard my mother call out to Harry. 

He was having a seizure. My mother had to take him to the emergency room. On the way there he had another seizure. They took him right in since he was an emergency case. They took x-rays and found out he had a huge mass in his stomach and it ruptured. So my mom decided to put him down.

I was heartbroken. I had him since he was 6 months old. He was 15 years old when he died.

Even though he was just a dog, he was my companion. Life is just so damn short and time just flies by and you cant get it back. I'm so done wasting time, wasting time thinking about my dreams, goals...I just have to do it. Even if it comes out downright awful and I fail. I just have to keep doing it.

 

 

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