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Laney

Laney's Journal 2.0

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150ish days sober.

It's been a long while since I've visited the forums.. but Cam posted a journal entry on Facebook that resonated with me. Seeing it inspired me to pause and look back at how far I've come since finding GameQuitters. For a long time I felt like I wasn't allowed to be on the forums if I wasn't sober on video games. I am sober, not on "video games", but on MMORPG's. You know what. Fuck anyone who disagrees. That's more than enough to be a true GQ member. It was HARD for me to quit MMO's. It was a struggle of self-esteem, self-love, self-acceptance. It was a journey that lead to finding my true self hidden underneath all the distraction-goop that online games plastered over me.

And the best part? I have played only 60 hours on RPG's this year. I haven't touched a RPG since September and I'm completely okay with that. I don't need games to be happy. Although I can play RPG's without fear of addiction, I also don't need to force myself to play them when I have other things going on in my life that are better! :) I choose my life over games every day, and I love it. 

Let's talk about how much I have played games this year. Calculating it based off of memory I would say I've spent 200+ hours relapsing on OW, Diablo III, POE earlier in January to May when I was stressed about graduation. (DID YA'LL KNOW I'M GRADUATED NOW? Bachelor of Science in Business Administration bitches, awwyeee.) I also have many hours on another game BoTW with my legally blind cousin, she asked me to play the main story line with her because she currently has a cataract. It was a gift of my time and energy to her, while she cannot see and is suffering alone. So I do not count this one personally but I want to put it in here so I don't forget it happened.

Making this list of my hours played.. I realize I've gamed more this year than I thought I had! Huh! It feels like I've had all the time in the world, and I've been enormously productive in life. Writing down the amount of hours spent on games since January makes me feel uncomfortable.

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If you have never met Laney, and this is your first time visiting her journal, Laney has an addictive personality with MMORPG's. The social and peer pressure aspect of gaming, the need to be on every night otherwise she'd fall behind. The need to practice her skills so she can compete and be seen as a girl who can "game well"--not just a cute girl who plays video games. The falling in love with a story, character and life that is not hers, but a fantasy that will never give her any tangible rewards in real life. MMORPG's are lies and a terrible pill. They are her addiction; not drugs, not alcohol, not cigarettes, but MMO's. They tear her away from her life, leading to neglect and stagnation of her career, friendships, hobbies, familial ties. They whisper in her ear how she'll never amount to anything and she'll never be successful or happy or loved.

Laney can play RPG's safely. She can pause them with ease and can live her life happily without fear of feeling guilt for not having gone back to it. Because Laney plays RPG's for her self, not for others. Because Laney does not define her accomplishments in life off of her accomplishments in a non-social game. To her--solo games are like a good book. Above I listed only 60 hours of solo rpg game-time in 2017, compare that to the 200+hrs playing MMORPG's in a 5 month span--uncontrollable and unacceptable.

I will not shame myself any longer for my decision to still play solo RPG's. I am COMFORTABLE with this decision. I am free, because of GameQuitters, and I want all of you to know that I appreciate and support you in your journey. I hope you can also be free. (OR AT LEAST FREE TEMPORARILY AND WE CAN SUPPORT EACH OTHER IN GETTING BACK THERE AFTER A RELAPSE <3) I am sure that my binge earlier this year will not be my last one ^_^ Each journey will be different, each approach will be unique to the individual. Find what works best for you, and don't let me or anyone else tell you otherwise. We support you.

Edited by Laney
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To that end, my journey this summer has been discovering how much I actively have SHIT on myself my entire life. I am seriously fucked up in my view of who I am and what I deserve.

Some self discoveries through therapy and amazing friendships this summer:

  • Laney is bad.
  • Laney's desires are bad.
  • Laney is a manipulative, selfish bitch.
  • People liking Laney is false. Once they get to know her, everyone hates Laney.
  • Everyone leaves Laney.
  • Everyone will abandon Laney.
  • Laney is not important.

Admitting this shit to myself was fucking hard. It's not a good feeling to realize how much self-hatred you carry. It's not a good feeling to discover that I have literally been my worst enemy. That my motivations to be better in life have been driven by the internal motivator of "You are trash, you have to be better because of this." BECAUSE you are trash, you HAVE to be better. Think about that statement and see how it fucked my self confidence and my ability to see anything good in myself or to trust in my accomplishments.

I have built amazing habits because of this statement. I have built empathy and forced myself to listen and love others. I have forced myself to be humble. To shut up. To listen. To accept negative feedback. But I have no self-love because of this. I am done with this destructive tool, it has served its purpose and it can go away now. Laney no longer needs any of your bullshit.

The goal of my life, and the goal I am striving for is to flip these statements around:

  • Laney is good.
  • My desires are worth celebrating.
  • I am a respectful, giving and selfless female.
  • People really do see and appreciate me. Once they get to know me they can see how truly awesome I am and that they want more of me in their life.
  • People will stay in my life.
  • People will want to stay and will love staying in my life.
  • I am valuable.
Edited by Laney
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Hi again @Laney!! Missed you!

Damn right you are girl. Fuck shame; games are a tool. If you're fine with playing solo like you watch a good film or drink a good wine, then go for it! I know for sure I can't, but each person is different and if they're honest and commited to their wellbeing we support them all. It seems it'll still a while until you reach that maximum point of healthy relationship with yourself, but we'll be with you as well all the way until you get there. Rooting for you!

Quote
  • Laney is a manipulative, selfish bitch.
  • I am a respectful, giving and selfless female.

I think it's ok if you sometimes are a sassy fabulous bitch to those who deserve it, extremes are not good B|

But, seriously now:

7 minutes ago, Laney said:

Admitting this shit to myself was fucking hard. It's not a good feeling to realize how much self-hatred you carry. It's not a good feeling to discover that I have literally been my worst enemy. That my motivations to be better in life have been driven by the internal motivator of "You are trash, you have to be better because of this." BECAUSE you are trash, you HAVE to be better. Think about that statement and see how it fucked my self confidence and my ability to see anything good in myself or to trust in my accomplishments.

I have built amazing habits because of this statement. I have built empathy and forced myself to listen and love others. I have forced myself to be humble. To shut up. To listen. To accept negative feedback. But I have no self-love because of this. I am done with this destructive tool, it has served its purpose and it can go away now. Laney no longer needs any of your bullshit.

This is absolutely the story of both my recent life and my whole social life as well -_- It really got me thinking when I read it. Somehow we need to reach a mindset in which we celebrate what we are and do, but at the same time develop a healthy ambition, looking forward to things and striving but without letting stress and impatience weigh us down; nor growing complacent and stagnant. What a riddle.

But anyway that's what we're here for, right? To find out.

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On 11/28/2017 at 10:08 AM, Hitaru said:

This is absolutely the story of both my recent life and my whole social life as well -_- It really got me thinking when I read it. Somehow we need to reach a mindset in which we celebrate what we are and do, but at the same time develop a healthy ambition, looking forward to things and striving but without letting stress and impatience weigh us down; nor growing complacent and stagnant. What a riddle.

But anyway that's what we're here for, right? To find out.

Yes! How do we motivate ourselves when the stick we beat ourselves with is gone? I think the answer lies within willpower and self confidence.

With more self esteem comes stronger will to do the things you need to do. Rather, the willpower you already had has something to rely on: YOU. If you think you are better then you aren't as afraid of failing because you have faith in yourself. If there is less anticipation of failure beginning a project is easier. 

But in between relying on yourself and growing your self confidence comes... Self forgiveness. Making mistakes and knowing it's okay, it's not the end of the world and actually we learn quite a bit from them!

Realize the humanity in your feelings. It sucks to fail. It sucks to be rejected. It sucks to not be able to communicate your thoughts and ideas to others. Being frustrated, upset, angry, depressed in reaction to events where you don't do what you *should have been able to do* is normal. Then you can laugh at how you're just human and can see beyond the suffering and onto the next step. I'm still here, I still have a lot to give, I'm going to keep going but I'm not going to beat myself up for not doing this right.

Edited by Laney
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This month I have been struggling with applying for jobs, today I messaged someone living in the town I want to move to and squeee!! He is forwarding my resume to his ex boss and might even swing over to chat with him about me. Proud of myself for reaching out and so grateful to the people in my life encouraging me and believing in me.

Also I have the coolest resume and it's nice to look at and I feel so confident holding it. I used InDesign, a newsletter PDF program.  Making it pretty made me actually much better at filling it in when this summer I had had resume writer's block .

That being made I applied to 3 jobs with it. But now I haven't sat down to apply for a job in over a month. Ever since my phone interview and being denied the job I've been doing... Everything socially but nothing career wise. At my part time job my performance has been lack luster and distracted, and I'm behind. Maybe that's why I'm struggling, when I get behind it reminds me of college before my ADHD diagnosis, before I had the tools to be successful and catch up when I make mistakes. 

Although I have the tools now..the depression and fear associated with being a failure is hard to face. Instead I let time pass while I fall farther behind. This quiescent state is aggravating! 

How do I stop avoiding and start acting when I'm barely aware I'm making the decision to avoid in the first place??

It's just like playing games, unaware and hazy of time passing. 

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> Game Quitting specialist.

We would hire that :ph34r:xD

[How do I stop avoiding and start acting when I'm barely aware I'm making the decision to avoid in the first place??]

Maybe acting until there's no distinction between acting and no-acting...? o.O

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Laney has an interesting character description, I think I like her. She lacks a few points in mmorpg-detachment but is quite adept at the skills brutal self-honesty and creative forum posts. Sounds like a very engaging character. Would I be Primordial Consciousness sitting at Character Select, I would have no qualms about choosing Laney as my Earth-Life-Character.

Good work on uncovering your core self-beliefs. I have found some deep shit down there too. I think in this weird society that completely outsped poor old evolution, we all have a deep and intimate sense of unworthiness, of not being enough. We need success, we need love, we need validation, but the inner void remains, covered up by all the banality.

Some questions to ask yourself about every belief:

  • where did this belief originate from? Was there some experience, some point in time, that caused me to adopt it? Was there something I was not understanding about reality that caused me to adopt this belief in the absense of understanding?
  • do I know it to be inherently true? or is it merely an assumption?
  • Is this belief part of me, do I need it, or can I imagine a reality for myself where I persist and thrive, but without this belief? 
  • What is this belief really? What grounds it, what's behind it? What role does language play in my perception of this belief? Could it ultimately be groundless?

 

Edited by thehondasc00py
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On 12/1/2017 at 5:51 PM, thehondasc00py said:

where did this belief originate from? Was there some experience, some point in time, that caused me to adopt it? Was there something I was not understanding about reality that caused me to adopt this belief in the absense of understanding?

Originate from? Many points in my life overlapping and confirming themselves. I think I punished myself the hardest though.. I had hurt people in my life and I couldn't forgive myself over it. I had made mistakes and I couldn't forgive myself over it or confront them. I would ignore the mistakes and SOMEHOW float by through school with mostly A's and B's and people would congratulate me for it/call me smart.

Women spreading rumors about me, ostracizing me from groups of friends. Never knowing what I did wrong or what was so horrible about me. Most people couldn't see past the anger issues and bluntness.

Not many people saw me and honestly I couldn't even see myself until around Senior year of high school/college time. And once I got my ADHD diagnosis at age 20 my life began. I like to think I'm only 4 years old ;) haha. That's where my true development started!

 

On 12/1/2017 at 5:51 PM, thehondasc00py said:

do I know it to be inherently true? or is it merely an assumption?

It is inherently wrong :) I am wonderful.

 

On 12/1/2017 at 5:51 PM, thehondasc00py said:

Is this belief part of me, do I need it, or can I imagine a reality for myself where I persist and thrive, but without this belief? 

It is a part of me and I think it may always be, but I can live through acknowledging it and choosing not to accept it as true. Only that I know it is a weakness I am fighting. Kind of like an ex lover from years ago, it doesn't hurt anymore but you still remember the importance of those feelings at the time, and recognize how they shaped you.

 

On 12/1/2017 at 5:51 PM, thehondasc00py said:
  • What is this belief really? What grounds it, what's behind it? What role does language play in my perception of this belief? Could it ultimately be groundless?

Language plays a huge role I think! Thanks for mentioning it. Positive words and positive statements of myself are welcome and encouraged ♥ I used to think I was an optimistic person when I was younger. I wonder if that was ever true lol! I know it will be so in the future at least. :) 

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There is a lot of good in my future. I have so many wonderful people in my life, yet I am stagnating AGAIN! Agh! I need to fight the self destructive fear of success and embrace success. Embrace my awesomeness. Embrace my abilities. Two job applications in the pas week, let's make it four or five!

Alcohol & weed is something I don't want to have in my life anymore. It's fun to be drunk but not when it ends with me being in weird situations I'm not comfortable with at the end of the night. Totally past this experience btw, lets not dilly dally and move on. I only mention it because I don't enjoy not being able to give proper consent. Everything is harder to rationalize and understand fully when I'm inebriated. 

Edited by Laney
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Sober since March 2018. (Phone online game sigh) about 270 days  

Update on my life. I got a job, moved cities, lost the job when new management came in and now am moving back in with my parents. 

God the urge to game game has been so strong since losing my job. I have all of the free time in the world and I’m depressed. Gaming again would be so easy. So fucking easy. It would ease the shame I feel for being jobless, I would amass success easily, I’d be surrounded by others struggling like me who haven’t gotten anywhere or are also stuck in a rut. Enjoying our misery together. 

Seriously though, it works, and it feels good. Gaming is beautiful, exciting and fulfilling in ways life usually isn’t for us. Life only seems to be during specific and fleeting moments. Such as during the golden hour, after exercise, stopping to see the view during a hike, going to the beach with your lover or pals, concerts, or when you receive pay for a job well done (etc).

Life is full of the mundane, the above is fleeting as I said. Making eggs with avacado *again* in the morning. The same music playlist. The same commute. Drinking another glass of water (actually I'm quite fond of this one, but it can be tedious at times to get myself up to refill the glass). 

The mundane is supposed to reward us but we’ve fucked our reward systems. I realize now after losing my job I’m STILL A FUCKING MMO ADDICT and I hate myself. 

Once an addict always an addict, why the fuck does it have to be true. I’m at my weakest, so of course, I want to fall onto this stupid easy self hatred misery fake success and faux happiness life that is gaming. While my inner heart dies instead of grows. While I could be doing SOMETHING but I’m stagnant. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Fuck the fact I spent my childhood on video games instead of building shit or making music or exploring or studying! Fuck that I wasted so many years! Fuck that I feel embarrassed about the majority of my life. Fuck that I think I’m boring! Fuck that I am ashamed, I am guilty, I am weak!

This is not how I want my life to be. 

I wish not gaming was enough. I wish not gaming made me magically an adult and responsible. 

I feel like such a loser. I’m fucking it up. 

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Recently I went through a 2-day-long emotional period in which I wasn't feeling very well about my situation - and erupting and venting and getting it out of our system feels like a necessary step, a way to figure out what is wrong now and how we can change the situation based on what our bad emotions are informing us of, what stuff is not working for us and making us unhappy. If you already know what's wrong, it's time to plan on how to change the things in your control! Please don't allow yourself to linger in the emotions and do not assume that your emotions should dictate your actions. I spent a long time "not feeling like doing" anything and I thought it defined me. But what I did different this time and have remained clean from games so far is, I acted despite not feeling like it, I trusted the process of forming new habits day by day, knowing what discipline means for a person's goals. I kept and I keep thinking of the future results and push myself to accept the potential pains that come with saying no to <insert bad habit> now, so that in the future I will be a different person, a better person. 

In the book Atomic Habits, the author says that we can look at our actions as if they are votes towards one or the other trait. I, for example, do not eat healthily and that behavior casts a vote towards the label "unhealthy" for my identity, an identity that in and of itself makes me feel like I'm not 'meant to' be healthy, that I'm  doomed to always eat junk. I might not feel like eating veggies and fruits, but if I do it enough, if the votes I cast for myself being "healthy" are equal or more in number with those of the 'unhealthy', then that is the new identity I will have for myself. Because in the end, it is what we do that matters, not what we think, not how we feel, not..anything else. Our logical side of the brain collects information based on actions and facts and from those it makes conclusions about ourselves. And this message, supported by another book that helped me greatly (Six pillars of self esteem) made me realize that we hold the keys, we are in control, as heavy a burden as it is and difficult a right to exercise. You choose how you act now, thus you choose who you will be tomorrow. It's gonna feel uncomfortable at first, but a week or two after it will be less and less painful.

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21 hours ago, Laney said:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Fuck the fact I spent my childhood on video games instead of building shit or making music or exploring or studying! Fuck that I wasted so many years! Fuck that I feel embarrassed about the majority of my life. Fuck that I think I’m boring! Fuck that I am ashamed, I am guilty, I am weak!

 

I can relate to this. I know it’s just a vent but you really described the sense of paralysis I feel in my life. For me it’s as if I were constantly judged by everyone, and found guilty. I can blame my family, my teachers, television, my catholic upbringing, but at the end of the day, however hard it is, being confident enough to change this oppressive feeling is up to me and me only. Us only.

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