Jump to content
Zala

Just keep going and see what happens

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone, day 91 in my journey. I decided to start a new diary with a couple of new goals.

5 rules

1) No gaming in any form (pc games, phone, PS).

2) No movies or series when I am alone.

3) No Youtube, imgur, facebook, random browsing and forums (5).

4) 30 minutes of exercise every day (unless I'm sick of course).

5) Learn German.

 

At this point in my life learning German is the key. So if I ever feel confused, lost, bored, lack focus, am lonely or have finished all the daily tasks - I have to go back to reading, writing, listening. Plus try to talk to a real live person every day.

3 exceptions to rule nr. 3:

- this forum

- 1 hour on Saturday OR Sunday (news!)

- yt feed during ironing.

I am still looking for a job. I just got another rejection letter. And I actually had a good feeling about this one. Not the best way to start the day.

After 90 days I know that if I slip it's not the end of the world.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I learn a lot from reading other people entries. I'm often not sure if I understand them but they sure are interesting. I like following other people's progress and journeys. But sometimes I just kidnap their idea and make it all about me. :) Today a couple of things jumped out.

@Hitaru said in his diary. "Uhm... nice day for quitting games today it is, right...?" and before that "I'll get rid of them as I get rid of everything else eventually" That wasn't the main focus of his paragraph but it got me thinking. It's what I do every evening. I ask myself "Tomorrow is a good day to start, right?" Does it have rounded numbers? Is it easy to remember? Is it connected to some event, someone's birthday, anniversary or to me figuring out something important? Even though I failed at my decisions so many times, I still think that the first day is very important. Even though I had so many "first days" at doing something, I still think that there is this great power connected to the first day. But to be honest, I don't even remember the first day that I stopped playing the game I've been obsessed with for months. I know it was in May and a couple of years ago but no idea about the exact date. I think I should stop waiting for the first days and just focus on the rest of them.

@giblets said in another diary: "The theme here and what I always ask myself is what is the intent behind your actions, are your actions designed to help you create now or create in the future, and if so they are the same. If the intent behind your actions is to hide or defer from doing something else, then you are consuming or being counter productive. " That's my problem, I think. I look for stuff to do with the intent that it will help me create now or in the future. And it starts out that way. But after a week I just try to stay with it, because it is something that keeps me away from bad habits. It's not really important to me. I try to like doing it just so that I don't have to go back to what I used to do. And that makes everything feel very unimportant. It doesn't matter if I paint, write, read, do sports, cook ... these are all activities that help in keeping me away from gaming and binge watching. That's their meaning and purpose. I'm not sure how to get out of this trap. I guess if I actually stuck to them for a while, they would become more meaningful, but what do I do till then?

Thankful for a response from two friends/acquaintances. They both completely ignored my nagging/complaining this morning. Yes, it has come to that. I don't think I'm able to connect to people like I used to. I'm stuck in my head a lot when I'm alone and I'm alone a lot. But instead of taking a break from it, when I'm with other people, I just keep going. Expecting or hoping that they will have some magical solution, idea about how to solve my problems. That they will help me live with myself. But when they ignore me or suggest something, I get nervous, impatient, angry. Because "things are not that simple". I used to be a good listener and I enjoyed spending time with others. Now it's similar to being alone and I dread meeting with others, because it will be talking about my problems all over again. Oh the irony!

You know that question How are you doing? I used to be able to just say "fine" and go on. Now if I do that I feel awful and it feels like lying. So I go into long explanation. And think to myself the whole time, just shut up, no one wants to hear it. I definitely don't want to hear it but I still keep doing it.

Not doing great on the goals nr. 3, 4.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Waiting for meaningful days is one of the oldest known forms of procrastination :D

Think of New Year's Resolutions. You're in October and think "Oh I'll just wait till next year and start clean", then next year arrives, you give it a try and fail on January 6. Now what? Exactly. I joined the community a 30th of November and quit games a 28th of July. Completely meaningless days in the spanish cultural context, not even beginning of the week I think. They were just the respective days I said "Enough". The same as you can give meaning to any action, you can give it to any time.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reward

Question: Is it childish to want a reward or feel like you need one?

Reasoning: I know I'm a grown-up and I'm supposed to be pleased, content with following my goals and doing a good job. But at the moment, I don't really have an outside source of authority. All I have is me and my goals. There is no boss, parent, church, partner, child, neighbor, pet etc. telling me what to do. So I set goals for myself. Goals that should bring me to a better life at least in the long run. Ok. I try to give myself a pat on the back, something sweet, a break from work, a walk in the park, feeding ducks and all of this. I even allow myself to enjoy other friendly people. Call my mom or my friend, making them happy too. But still, I feel like I need a bigger reward or more feedback from ... the world? Someone? Since I might be wrong about "bigger picture" and I'm not enjoying the present  I should at least get a reward of some kind. As a compensation. So that perhaps if I'm making a mistake, at least I enjoy my reward for working hard.

Problem: I keep rethinking the goals. And I know it's not about the goals or rules that I invented to get to those goals. If I'm not persistent I won't be able to achieve any goals, either they are good or bad. Does that make sense?

So what's the solution. Just keep doing something, whether I like it or not? But which thing exactly? - There are a lot of things society is advising me to do and that I don't enjoy doing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fuzzy brain

Doing good on the no gaming, activity, German fields. A little better at random browsing, fb as well. But definitely still not ok on videos&youtube. I don't know. Since we've moved to another country I kind of feel different, strange. Like my brain is extra fuzzy. At first I thought it was mostly because of the gaming, but the fuzz is still here after 90+ days. I am eating healthy, I'm socializing. I'm 30+ so maybe it's normal not to feel so sharp anymore.

But I really hope this habit of watching one meaningless video after the other hasn't permanently screwed up my brain. I know I have a lot of learning left to do, so I'm kind of panicking and thinking if there's something wrong with me. I'm often afraid my memory is all filled up. No data space left, no chance of getting an upgrade.

Language&strangeness

Maybe it has something to do with me being away from my language. I do speak in my mothers tongue every day with my hubby, and with at least one friend or a relative. But coming from the world of books, cultural events, thoughts about history, daily talks about literature, science ... I went to nothing. And in English and German I simply lack the vocabulary to think. I spoke to a couple of foreigners here about feeling disconnected from myself, wondering if others have the same feelings and if it passes. Obviously that's a hard conversation to have in a foreign language, I feel like I couldn't really explain it.

I remember a girl form our German class, she seemed nice but a bit slow. No biggy. But after a couple of weeks during our break she started to talk to me in English. Only then I have realized, that she is this sweet, smart, confident person. And it got me thinking, who knows what others think of me, when I try to talk to them in German (or English for that matter). How do I seem? Maybe that is why I'm not doing everything I can to integrate into this new environment. I'm already not myself every time I'm around other people. At least I feel like myself when I'm alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Megaman About needing money:

Food: How long can you live eating only berries and roots? And in some countries you can't really do that. Every forest, field, garden belongs to someone or something. If it's not yours, you can't take it. In my country people go to the forest, collect pounds of mushrooms and then sell it. But collecting more than a couple of pounds is actually forbidden, and can get you in trouble and loads of people get fined. Plus selling something without paying taxes is also a problem. Like @Hitaru said eating this way can be dangerous in many ways.

Accommodation: In most countries you actually need a firm address to get a valid passport. So that they can find you and fine you if you collect too many berries for example. :) Or have a tent where you are not supposed to. I have a couple of good friends but I imagine most of them wouldn't want to support me for more than a year if I didn't have a plan for the future. And I doubt "finding myself" would count as a good plan. If you live off people who have money because they do work their 9-17 job, you tend to lose friends and family. I personally would like to have good relations with my family&friends. Whatever they do is probably not their dream job, maybe they would also like to find themselves at least in their spare time, instead of supporting me. And I'm not sure how I would help them. If they don't own a land and need an extra pair of hands chance is, they do just fine on their own.

How much time have you actually spent in a tent? In the rain, cold, with no cooked meal for a couple of weeks? I used to be a girl scout, it's not all fun and games and can be very stressful.

Traveling: I don't know about this German guy. I know a lot of people in other countries are able to live on a dollar or less per day. But most of them have to work for that money as well. And being this world traveler can be done for a while I guess. If you don't mind living of other people's kindness and at the expense of others. But what happens when you want to settle down, start a family? Or if you get sick, injured and need medical help?

So which bills? How about running water, electricity, heat, health insurance, taxes, proper food to begin with. And maybe internet for this lovely community and finding information about? Yes you can live or at least survive without these privileges and a lot of people do. But talking about is, as romantic as it sounds, doesn't make sense in the long run and is definitely not for everyone. I'm not saying all people who have money are happy. Or that people with no money are miserable. I'm sure there is a bunch of happy homeless people and some even may be homeless by choice. But if you feel safe and don't have to worry about your next meal and where it will come from, does a lot for feeling content if not happy. And @Hitaru lives in what I would consider not ideal family situation. And I don't think there is anything wrong with deciding to pursue a job for the sake of having a job and some money. I believe that is true for anybody. Perhaps not living at home is the right first step for him and his work, journey in finding his purpose.

But I agree with you, there is nothing wrong with living on the street, moving from one place to another. Or staying at home and playing video games the whole day if it makes you happy. But like you said that's the position of someone who has the money and is in no immediate danger of being poisoned, attacked, hungry for days or ending up in a hospital with a bunch of bills he can't pay.

This community and optimism

I think this community sometimes goes to far in what I would call "optimism&finding life purpose" kind of thinking. I sometimes think it's good news we all want to hear. And it helps to an extent. It helps most of us to stop gaming, helps us get more involved with the world outside of gaming.  But the sad reality is, I think, that a lot of people don't find their life purpose or if they find it, they die before reaching it. And I doubt it's from the lack of trying or thinking about it. It might simply be due to differences between us and life waiting with a hammer behind every corner. It's ok to tell a 5 year old kid that he/she can be anything and can achieve anything. Saying that to a 20+ year old is a bit strange. Because the fact is, as far as being smart, handy, attractive, having social skills etc. we are on a scale, we are different. There is nothing wrong with that. But I think that also means that not all and not everyone can be really successful. And I'm getting to a point where I don't believe finding a thing, this Thing that is right for you to do, is the problem. I used to think that if I'm not successful at doing something after I've done it for a while, it's only because I haven't found the right Thing for me. I no longer think that this is true.

But I stand to be corrected.

Till then I will believe in a daily grind doing pretty much anything. And being pleased with doing ok at whatever I end up doing. At this point I'm trying to be the best job seeker I can be, so this is my position and perspective.

Edited by Zala
those pesky grammar things

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Zala,

I wrote about a possibility which is extreme. Just to show what is possible. One of the ideas is to minimize the bills. If you are still searching your vocation, it is OK to have sometimes a job you do not like and earn money. Also it is important to get some new ideas and get in contact with people, you usually would not meet.

Food: Herbs like dandelion grow everywhere, 5 minutes out of the city is enough, You do not have to go in the wild.

Accommodation: I live in three places around the world. My parents house is the firm address. I would only spent a long time in a friends house if it is fun for us both. He does not have to support me. I could sleep somewhere on the floor and get my food outside. I could help him, cleaning his house, having fun, repairing stuff, buying things in the supermarket, etc. In one of my jobs, I was very busy and I would have been grateful if someone helped me and lived in my house. It is cool, when many people are living together.

About the tent: I mean a warm place. About cooked meal: I am eating 100% raw. Cooking is absolutely unnecessary.

Traveling: It is absolutely unnecessary also. I mentioned just in case if someone wants to have some fun (period: a couple of weeks or something like this). I traveled so much, that I am not interested anymore. But I travel a lot because my family is living in different places.

I never said that someone should life in the street. I love money and earning money can be great. I really love money. But you just do not need it, so do not worry about it. That is all. It is about not getting depressed working the whole life in a job you do not like. It is about getting relaxed, following the dreams, expanding the mind.

The community and optimism: This is the main reason, why I wrote my post. My impression is, that one of the answers to quit gaming is to find a job, get friends, socialize, find hobbies, etc. But it is going so much deeper. It is not so easy to find a job you like, friends which are on the same level as you, hobbies which are interesting and least the vocation. So you have to expand, drop limiting believes, to focus more on what you like. If I think I have to work 50 hours per week in a job I do not like and it is impossible to find a vocation than it can be worse than playing video games. I could get even more depressed.

So finding the life purpose should be the focus, that means doing what you like in every second is more important than money. But everyone has in mind: "I have to get the money. Where is the money coming from? It is not possible to live without money."

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When do you get rid of this guilt and feeling like shit? I try to live in the moment, "now", but since I've been doing it for a while, a pattern still emerges. I can't help but notice what people did in the last five years and my progress. I know others have problems and set backs as well. I know even children can set women back as far as career goes. Still I can't escape this feeling that it's too late for me to make something of myself and be happy with myself.

Still fighting binge watching&browsing. But doing good on the no gaming part.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I found it helpful to have projects with a definable and measurable goal and keep them small enouhg to be able to finish them in 1-4 weeks. If your are able to actually finish these projects you'll focus more on your progress and where to go from there instead of having guiilt. The key is to cut out every distraction ( for example if you want to build a blog you'll just learn enough of the different technologys that you are able to make a decisive plan how to set things up and ignore all the details or comparisons). THen you'll write your own little actionplan and act on it. TO have such projects which are small in scope will help you to feel accomplishment on a regular base and learning things for real instead of accumalting a diffuse body of knowlege or skills wich aren't really actionable in your life.

What to learn should depend on your life. That's how I hope to escape the binging and the lack of drive.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, WorkInProgress said:

TO have such projects which are small in scope will help you to feel accomplishment on a regular base and learning things for real instead of accumalting a diffuse body of knowlege or skills wich aren't really actionable in your life.

What to learn should depend on your life. That's how I hope to escape the binging and the lack of drive.

I'm not sure I understand. Would you mind explaining that a little bit. So the projects have to be connected? Or just random but connected to my life? And I should only make plans for 4 weeks in advance?

I know that I should focus on something, I can't even remember when I did something on my own for a couple of weeks. Without distractions. Binge watching is the only thing I've been able to stick to for months :( Without outside "force" like signing up for a class and following the program. Can't sign up for a new German class atm.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8.12.2017 at 10:59 AM, Zala said:

Still I can't escape this feeling that it's too late for me to make something of myself and be happy with myself.

 

I can very much relate to this. I tend to have those thoughts myelf. I dont know you but from your entries it seems like you overthink a lot. Its true that at some point in our life some door are shut. At 50 you normally wont change your profession again for example. I dont know how old you are, but i think you are still young (you wrote something about 20+ somewhere) so theres still many things you can try to achieve if you really want them. You just have to get rid of this thinking that you have passed some kind of imaginary deadline and after that you cant be sucessful anymore. This is all in your head. And its just thoughts, its not reality. If you want to learn german, i can teach you a bit :P Normally i would say lets game together and talk in TS...but this is indeed a door thats shut now ;)  And about applying for a job, you need a thick skin for this. I was unemployed for a while myself and wrote many applications, most of them with not big success. Then one day there was a company who honoured what i have done so far in my life, that i didnt have a straight cv and had tried some things. Those episodes without jobs always suck. Its hard and its scary. But its not impossible to escape them.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8.12.2017 at 6:41 PM, Zala said:

I'm not sure I understand. Would you mind explaining that a little bit. So the projects have to be connected? Or just random but connected to my life? And I should only make plans for 4 weeks in advance?

I know that I should focus on something, I can't even remember when I did something on my own for a couple of weeks. Without distractions. Binge watching is the only thing I've been able to stick to for months :( Without outside "force" like signing up for a class and following the program. Can't sign up for a new German class atm.

okay let me explain:

We feel productive if we achieve something hard and our body produces dopamines to make us feel great about it. It does so also if we just imagine this successes or doing something like gaming were we achieve successes which doesn't affect our life. So after a while We get addicted to the easy dopamine rush and stop chasing real live improvements. Our live seems to suck. In addition to this effect we fear changes and our emotions will make us feel bad if we try something difficult (until we mastered the difficulties). I never tried something hard as I was gaming because I felt so damned bad if I tried and failed. And I feared that feeling.

After quitting gaming I started to try a lot of stuff (meditation, excercise, programming) and while it helped to feel productive for a while I didn't made too muhc progress in either of the topics and felt liike I was just procrastinating my real tasks with some self-development fluff. The problem I had/have is that I had non projects linked to this bigger goals like beeing more aware/fit/skilled. After watching a few videos and taking this course on faster learning I realized that these projects are the missing puzzle piece to actually improve in a meaningful way. My problem was that I am unable to break down the big goal in little goals.

So for example I want to be a software developer. I tried a few diffeerent programming languages and technologies and started to "learn" them. I build examples and made my self familar with the language and the environment. I read a lot on quora and in programming books while solving example problems. I learned a lot but I am still far away of beeing a professional or even producing a more medium complex application. I feel like I made no meaningful progress.

That is why I started to set myself little goals of what I want to learn and make the scope for it so small that I'll be able to achieve my goal in 1-4 weeks. My current goal is to develop a simple alexa skill for the amazon echo whcih will tell me the age of my newborn son in weeks. To do this I searched for resources listed them and tried to figure out a rough outline of what I would need to learn to be reaching this goal. Then I judged if the scope was to big (if I could realistically reach the goal in 1-4 weeks with half an hour effort a day). If it would have been too big I would divided it intosubgials. Like running an example skill on my echo. If I have the working skill I will start a new project which will be related to alexa programming if I am still interested or something else if I don't feel like it. This way I see my progress and get my dopamine rush of doing something productive without overwhelming myself with too big to unclear goals. It is a success in itself but is also helping me in my overarching goal of becoming a software programmer.

So no the projects don't have to be connected but they surely can be if you feel like it. The goal can be bigger but the criteria when your project (and not your over arching goal) is finished should be clear and manageble to finish in 1-4 weeks (less time would mean it is too easy to feel meaningful, more that it is to hard).

The keypoints are that you keep the scope small, the steps to finishing the goal concrete and make a proper realistic plan ( how much time do I have / am I able to put into this per day/week).

So in your case it could be a project in language learning. Maybe something you'll want to be able to do in germany, which you did easily in your homeland. I don't know your german skill level but going out to a reastaurant and only speak german with the personal could be such a project. If your able to not evade into english and make yourself understandable you would finish the project. For this you wouldn't need to have a perfect grammar or a big amount of vocabulary but some sample phrases wouldn't cut it either. So the learning plan could be like identifying the usual phrases in german for ordering food and beverages and paying the bill. Also some smalltalk would be a great addition. Then you'd needed to create a list of foods you like to eat and what the words for them are in german. You have some experiences in learning german allready so you should be able to predict long this would roughly take you to learn and if it is a good scope. If not you could make the projects scope smaller or bigger. This way you are in control on what and how you learn it and you'll get to finish a project and reap your dopamine reward.

I hope this made it clearer.

PS: Relevant blogpost on this: https://simpleprogrammer.com/2014/12/29/want-accomplish-goals-become-finisher/

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Started working at a new job and after a week it doesn't look good. I feel like a total failure. I mean who manages to lose two jobs in such a short time? I keep thinking I had jobs before and I did them well. And the thing is: I'm a hard worker, I'm not totally dumb, I am ready to learn, punctual, easy-going (if anything I'm too nice). It should be enough to keep a job right? Obviously not. Nothing was said yet but the signs from my previous job are already here.

I'm thinking of actually resigning, because I really don't feel good about how they do their business. But I feel like I will fell back into a dark place if I do that. I don't have another job to return to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Who manages to lose two jobs? People who care to try. Not that people who land in the first shitty job they can get and their lives turn into a dark spiral of meaningless habit. You can look for another job while in this one if you don't like it, but don't just give up. You can do it (and I don't mean the woo-woo optimism of this community ;)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey guys, I guess I'm back. I tried really hard to make it work with my last employer but things were just getting worse and worse. So I did quit last month. Not before I went back to gaming. And you know the drill, the whole circle of regret and denial. At least I'm back in this language course, so I've got one thing going for me.

I think I still have some sort of open loop from the past. Like a couple of years ago I tried to fulfill one of my dreams, I always wanted to have a dog. Not much, not a big deal I know. But it was still one of the things I was very certain of. It didn't go well so I gave up on the dog. He is doing great btw. So I must say I'm very uncertain now when it comes to dreams and wishes. When I think I want something, I always kind of instinctively take a step back and wonder: Is that really what I want? Will it really make me happy or just more miserable? I guess that is the point of dreaming and having wishes. You think that if you fulfill them you will be happy. Maybe not happier than before but definitely not miserable. So now I'm just in this state, where I don't really want to think about the future. I don't want to make plans. So I'm trying to figure out how to climb out of this hole.

I'm not making any plans at this moment to start another 90 days without gaming. I actually did it two times already but then after 100+ days I fall back to old habits. And I'm quite sure my binge watching is more time consuming and more problematic at this point. I start to watch something, a movie, a new series, and then I get bored/distracted and I start gaming while I'm watching this movie/series. Gaming helps me pass the time quicker. And movies help me pass the time to ... to what?? Or they help me forget that the time is passing by and that I have no idea what I want. Which brings me back to paragraph 2.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Zala,

welcome back. I think it is great that you reflecting on this. I think sometimes we jsut see what happens to us and react but never take time to think about ourselves and the reason for bad things to happen.

Wishes and dreams can be tricky. I enver allowed myself to dream so it was liberating for me to actually allow myself to set goals and want to achieve smth. more then the norm(what ever this is). That doesn't mean it is something for you. I listened and read a lot of smart people who say "follow your passion"/"follow your dreams" is exceptional bad advice. And I see the logic in this. You just have no way of knowing if you real enjoy what you plan/wish/dream for if it gets reality.

My way of dealing with this problem is to try to focus first on things which have a big pile of evidence that they make a big percentage of the living people happier.  Social interactions with family and friends, the feeling of progress in smth., excercise/sleep routine/healthy eating. You don't need to know if it makes you actually happy, because you can assume it in a fairly confident way that these things are making you happier in the long run. If gaming doesn't seem like the root problem right now try to pick the one thing out of this little list which resonates most with you and try to focus on improving your life in this area. Start a little daily habit and document what you are doing somewhere. These are real save bets at investing your time.

Before you don't feel confident with this baseline of your life there will be no job/spouse/thing which makes you happy. But if you got some of these points figured out and are fairly happy with your actual state, then you can start to set bigger goals and dreams. For some people it helps to get them going if they shoot for the stars and reach the moon. I just feel inconsequetial if I do it. My longtime goals are more general directions and my short time goals little bets which sometimes pay off and sometimes not. As long as I got the basics done it doesn't matter that much if they do.

Right now I am focussing on beeing nice to my family and friends, beeing interested in their lives, getting some minimal excercise and progressing in my programming skills every week and I am more self-confident and happy with my life then I can remember to be any time in my past. So this approach seems to work for me. Maybe it works for you to.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Zala said:

Hey guys, I guess I'm back. I tried really hard to make it work with my last employer but things were just getting worse and worse. So I did quit last month. Not before I went back to gaming. And you know the drill, the whole circle of regret and denial. At least I'm back in this language course, so I've got one thing going for me.

I think I still have some sort of open loop from the past. Like a couple of years ago I tried to fulfill one of my dreams, I always wanted to have a dog. Not much, not a big deal I know. But it was still one of the things I was very certain of. It didn't go well so I gave up on the dog. He is doing great btw. So I must say I'm very uncertain now when it comes to dreams and wishes. When I think I want something, I always kind of instinctively take a step back and wonder: Is that really what I want? Will it really make me happy or just more miserable? I guess that is the point of dreaming and having wishes. You think that if you fulfill them you will be happy. Maybe not happier than before but definitely not miserable. So now I'm just in this state, where I don't really want to think about the future. I don't want to make plans. So I'm trying to figure out how to climb out of this hole.

I'm not making any plans at this moment to start another 90 days without gaming. I actually did it two times already but then after 100+ days I fall back to old habits. And I'm quite sure my binge watching is more time consuming and more problematic at this point. I start to watch something, a movie, a new series, and then I get bored/distracted and I start gaming while I'm watching this movie/series. Gaming helps me pass the time quicker. And movies help me pass the time to ... to what?? Or they help me forget that the time is passing by and that I have no idea what I want. Which brings me back to paragraph 2.

Hi Zala,

Welcome back.  I'm glad you're here.  Workinprogress made some very good points about basic things that make us happy.  Sleep, spending quality time with loved ones, eating healthy, even being around nature for 20 minutes a day can lift your spirits, and exercise. 

It doesn't sound like you're in that mindset right now to make some healthy changes to your lifestyle.  Sounds like you just want to vent and let out some steam due to recent hardships.  It's okay to feel like this for a period of time.  My only suggestion is to watch Cam's videos again, and perhaps find one person on this forum that you can talk to on Discord chat/voice chat.  Somebody that you can trust and who is a veteran on this forum, who can give you sound advice.  

 

Edited by Dannigan
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you guys! Really! It is so great to see that someone responded to my writing. And you were both so nice and understanding. Maybe I should start thinking about the small things. It's kind of funny how much I obsess over the big things when I can't even figure out the small ones.

Still stuck on screen. Tomorrow I'm leaving for a family visit. I hope that helps me give a running start. I should go back to reading. It still calms me down it just doesn't have this thrill that games&videos provide. I guess it's like going back to healthy eating after you've been eating only junk food for a while.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tomorrow I'm leaving for a short vacation. Deleted Pogo, took the battery out of PoGo+ and I'm not taking it with me. They made some changes in the game and made it good again which doesn't help me. I actually met a bunch of people playing this game a couple of weeks ago and it made me feel uncomfortable. Someone added me to their chat group and people are crazy. They play all the time, kind of funny coming from me since I do the same. I don't want to make new connections or friends through this game! I know it will be even harder to quit and since I'm new in this country and don't have many local friends that danger is real!

I've thought about changing the password to random letters but the account is connected to my main email and I can't really delete it in that sense. I could delete every tier I've "collected", making the account almost unplayable. Since my goal was to collect it all, that could work.

I admire people who manage to delete an account on steam or something. Especially if they've put hard earned money into the games. Maybe it's the same as with junk food. It's hard to throw it away. Even if you know that it's no good for you, if you can't get your hands on any other food (unreal, I know), it's still calories.

The game is a collection of achievements, invested time&money. Something that you can show to other gamers to help them understand that you've done your work. That you've been diligent and hard working. I know it sounds funny.

At this point my biggest fear is that I won't be able to find something, anything that I enjoy as much as gaming. And if I'm on the edge of depression that the lack of having something to be excited about will push me over the edge. I know it doesn't make any sense but this is just how I feel. I did try a bunch of stuff, being 33 and all. Not a lot, but enough to keep me worried I guess.

If I fall from the sky tomorrow, if our plane crashes, let me just tell you that I love you. Keep strong in your daily battles and I hope I will write again in a couple of days.

Thank you Cam. In case someone upstairs is listening, just know I'm upping your score every day :16_relieved: not that you need it :18_kissing_heart:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello guys and girls. This forum is such a lovely thing. I was game free for a while and then I had another relapse. But when I came back to this forum, it was so great to see, that the world goes on. That others have their own battles and keep fighting through them. It's day 1 for me again. It seems every time I do just a little bit better than the last time, free from this gaming/tv world for a little bit longer. That's the good news. The bad news is, that I'm back to square one again. I kind of know what to expect in the next week or so. Being very tired and sleepy, uninterested in any activity, fighting the habit and the urge of playing any game at all. Luckily I have a visit planned in a couple of days, so that should help me with my first steps back to the right track.

I apologize if I wrote this before, but I remember this guy (he was all about the healthy eating habits) saying, it's ok if you have a relapse. With food or smoking for example. When you look back you still were tobacco free for 90 days for example. Even if you do this on and off for 10 years, you are still making a difference.

It is still hard to be unsuccessful. And looking back, I had loads of failures in my life in the last couple of years, as far as my family&friends&works situation is concerned. Still hoping I can make a difference.

Loads of love and thank you for reading.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome back Zala. He was right. You had a success and a failure. You aren't unsuccessful. You are riding the waves and now it is time for things to look up again after a downwards spiral. Now things will be better and you will start to feel better with yourself again.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I tried some of this new air dry clay I bought almost a year ago. My first time working this type of clay. I don't like it, you have to be really fast, because it's literally as hard as a rubber in a couple of minutes so you can't make any mistakes. If you add water, it just turns into crumbs and you can't really work it. All in all not for me. I think Fimo or another type of polymer clay you have to bake in the oven are more user-friendly, well at least for beginners. They simply give you more time.

Plus every time I do stuff like this I realize, that I'm not really good at crafts. I guess it's good if you want to waste time and not game but no more than that. I guess I have to accept, that I'll never be one of those women who make dresses for her kids, decorate the house with hand-made objects or bake designer cookies 🙂 . Everything takes time, sure. I used to think I was build for this specific thing and that I just have to find it. You know like in all of these movies where you try a little bit and then you become the best :). But seriously, I don't think we start a the same point when we begin to learn a new skill. And I do believe in the power of genes and succeeding at some things faster.

I you are generally a persistent and patient person who can get obsessed with pretty much anything and everything that's a trap. And if you are surrounded with mostly positive people who are cheering you on at whatever you do, that just deepens the problem. I kind of wish someone would tell me from time to time: you know, what you did is ugly and I think you are wasting your time.

As a serious hobby I should stick to swimming, reading, maybe writing. I get more pleasure and success from them anyway. I guess being 30+ years old, it's high time to accept your weaknesses. They are not really weaknesses, maybe they just keep you on the right path in a way. Thoughts?

Edited by Zala
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...