Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

90 day detox


ChewyChickenBones
 Share

Recommended Posts

Day 15


Cognitive distortions. I hate them. Detest them, really.
I've been working on coping skills, and now that I don't have gaming to escape into my digital world, I face the situation in real life.  DAILY. It's hard. To fight against my own negative thoughts. To change my mindset into the confident, positive, strong man that I will become. Have to stand strong and keep getting stronger. Facing these new challenges are far greater and tougher than any game I have ever played. The experience I gain.. it's truly something that I can apply to real life to keep improving.
I am grateful for:
My existence, friends, support, to see, breathe, listen, talk, walk, my apartment, and the strength to face challenges.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 16

Taking action. Facing challenges. Eradicating negativity from my soul. Standing through it even when my knees want to give in. Ready for another great day.

I am grateful for:
My existence, friends, support, to see, breathe, listen, talk, walk, be able to sleep a little more, and the strength to face challenges.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 17

Started off the day with yoga, busy day at work, ate dinner, was pretty tired. Fell asleep really early.

Day 18
My stomach has been bothering for some time now. Gotten many missed diagnosis from doctors and only one accurate one. It's H. Pylori. A pesky bacteria. Been feeling a little sluggish, and tired for a while. My upset stomach is a big factor. Dedicating this week getting resources and start eliminating this MOTHERFUCKING BUG.
I am grateful for: my existence, support, to see, breathe, listen, talk, walk, warm shower, my persistence, and dedication to keep pushing through all these challenges.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 19 - 22

Wow. THIS WEEK. W.T.F.  I had some psycho show up on my driveway and shoot five times. Grateful that everyone is alive and no injuries. My neighbor's car got fucked up, but I'm glad she is alive. Ongoing investigation, it was late at night. Little info available. I believe it's the ghetto neighbor in the back trying to intimidate. Fucking piece of shit psychopath. Taking safe and active steps to protect my family.

H. Pylori still a plague on my stomach, waiting for my appointment. Possible double whammy as I am showing symptoms of gallbladder disease.

I am grateful to BE ALIVE! Neighbors are alive, to keep going even with crazy shit like this shooting, my focus, my persistence, determination, breathe, walk, listen, see, and support.
Was feeling a little down earlier today. A lot of pent up emotions looking for a way to release. Part of me wants to go on a fucking manhunt, in search of revenge and rain pain on this fucking piece of shit! The other part just felt sad that some fucking psychopath would endanger our life. The bullets were two feet away from my car, and six feet away from my home. Ended up calling a support hotline, helped me out a lot. Being on this detox makes me wonder. Experiences like the shooting... was I so hooked on games that I overlooked at the condition of my life. I grew up, lived, and still live in the hood. I never believed it because it never hit this close to home. I lived in a digital world. I would respawn and live any life. New accounts, new games, new person each time. It was so easy to do. Life however, has no respawn. It also takes much more work and preparation to choose a new path in life. I am long overdue to leave this fucking ghetto shit. Not the life my family deserves.
I miss games. As I continue my detox and get to see just how much life requires for positive change.. I realize that my relationship with video games will never be the same.
Started a new mantra this earlier this week and it has done wonders for me. "Chewy, I love you."  My yoga instructor mentioned during class that saying your name before your mantra creates a stronger bond in your thoughts. He is writing a paper on a scientific study regarding this. Feeling exponentially better about myself.

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 23
Had a really good day. Hate the that I am sick, but still had a great day. Went to the library scored some Halo novels for a buck, checked out an animal shelter with my girl. Bought some delicious pizza from a local chain, relaxed, had a chill day. Getting ready to sleep soon, will be up really early. Going to wash, nap, head to library, xi gong practice, then head to work. Not quite sure what I'll do at night yet. Would like to be out but being sick just makes me want to stay home and rest.
I am grateful for my existence, my mantra, to breathe, see, talk, listen, walk, damn good pizza, the support and progress that is achieved each day.

Regarding my mantra, I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with self-conscious/self-image. In my experience, I would ALWAYS refer and/or be negative about myself. Never did say anything heartfelt, or remotely good about myself. Doing this mantra. " Chewy, I love you", to care about myself and love the person I am is doing wonders. PS. I don't call myself Chewy, I use my real name. XP

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
Mantra tips
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 24

Women have always been very attractive to me. Something magical is happening. Before I would freeze up and/or stare... it would be really hard for me to even say hi. That is changing. Now I just smile at them and getting that smile back feels so damn good. Getting better at having conversations and making them laugh. Learning a lot.. really fun to be honest. I still get nervous.. but getting better one day at a time.

I am grateful for my existence, my mantra, my girl, my mind, my persistence, to see, listen, walk, hear, and being able to talk to be with you guys another day. See you all tomorrow.

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks ‌@WorkInProgress
Day 25

Been out all day, staying away from the house looking for alternative things to do. Glad that CVS had a planner and watch in the styles I needed them. One day at a time. If there is ONE FUCKING thing I miss about games is that is was quick and easy to make a new "life." Just pop up a new game/new game/savepoint/etc. A lot of progress going on in real life, it just feels reaaaally slow. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I am grateful to exist, for this day, to live, breathe, walk, see, hear, listen, ambition, purpose, mantra, and my courage to take on a challenge I always feared.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If there is ONE FUCKING thing I miss about games is that is was quick and easy to make a new "life." Just pop up a new game/new game/savepoint/etc. A lot of progress going on in real life, it just feels reaaaally slow. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

This game you're playing now feels frustratingly slow at times (more so for us used to high speed decisions and high speed consequences), but on the bright side there's a lot of character development. This one is not to be saved, stored in a box or erased, right? ;). Patience to get the real achievements vs. dull instant gratification, this is our daily choice.

Awesome gratitude list, the most basic things are by far the most important ones. We should think about them more!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks @Hitaru

Day 26-29
This past week I have been feeling a real itch to game. The first two weeks of the detox were a breeze, it really felt like it was a long needed break/vacation from gaming. Now that I have been stepping it up and challenging myself even more, the crave to fall back into gaming is here. With all the events that have gone in my life, it's just far easier and quicker to have quick match and enjoy the moment once again. To slay and be king, to be feared on the online world once again. Going from a big fish in a small pond in video games to a human making his way in real life is one hell of a change. Seriously feel lost on what the fuck to do some days. I'm going to read Respawn again and update my worksheets to have help me focus on my goal - defeat this wall of negativity. It's a monstrous challenge composed of fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, depression, anger, cognitive distortions, environment, self doubt, self hate, and bad choices. I'm going to conquer them all, one day at a time. :) Enough with living with all that negativity and introducing faith and vision. The determination to push through and achieve that vision.
I am grateful to exist, the forums, breathe, listen, see, talk, walk, meditation, yoga and my courage to have faith.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 33

Loving the person that is developing from this change.  Learned one amazing thing. All this paralyzing fear I experienced... it's all about converting that fear into power. Taking action when that fear kicks in. Fear my environment? Use that fear to make that change in my life. Fear of losing my in game progress? Use that fear to do a worthwhile change in real life. No more power to fear and doubt, and instead pump that power into faith. Patience, persistence, and faith.
Grateful to exist, think, act, listen, talk, hear, see, persistence, faith, and patience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 34

Pissed off. Not sure this relationship is needed right now... fuck it. Journal is here for a reason, I'll type away. Feeling tied up because I cannot do what I want.  It pisses me the fuck off. Having someone to come home to is an amazing feeling, but that alone cannot sustain a relationship. Sick and tired of being blamed... yes I made mistakes, and may make some more, but from failures come success. Fear.. the fear of what might happen this ends. Well.. goes back to what I said before.. got to convert that fear into power. The power to make a change! Hope you all had a wonderful Halloween.

Grateful for my dinner, my strength, existence, think, act, listen, hear, see, faith, patience and dedication.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 35-36

Yesterday was alright. Today however... wow. Started off the day by pushing myself to meet members of the community. Had really good dialogue on the resources this city has and will need due to the incoming expansion. Was really nervous, specially since I addressed my concerns but it went well. The rest of the day though.. I had the chance to meet my two favorite YouTubers! Drove a bit of a distance and dealt with parking then walking but it was sooo worth it! Had polar experiences meeting people today.. one that made me feel anxious, nervous, and upset. The other one was exciting, motivating, and enjoyable.  As I push myself to be out there more and dealing with all these feelings as they arise, I am/will keep getting better at dealing with them. Today was just incredible. Have not done this much in... maybe never done it before. Proud of myself, ready for the next day.
Grateful for my strength, will, motivation, faith, happiness, think, act, hear, see, listen, patience, and dedication.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 37

Went back to college to get info on how to get started up again. Going to college was always an immense trigger for my anxiety. It would always make me feel overwhelmed due to the large amount of people that I do not know. Not jumping the gun again and taking a ton of classes at once. Just like I'm handling this one day at a time; these college tasks will be handled one thing at a time. Going to take classes take will help me improve my goal. Really psyched up for it!

Grateful to exist, for strength, will, motivation, faith, happiness, think, act, hear, see, listen, patience, and dedication.

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 38

Gaming... with all the progress that has been made I feel like I am ready to dive back in.  When I found out that my two favorite YouTubers were having a meet and greet at Blizzcon I jumped at the opportunity. Getting to meet them, meeting/socializing with nice congoers...of course it feels great! It's the opposite of what I was used to.. these are new and wonderful experiences related to gaming.

That being said, I realize that my past relationship with gaming was one of addiction. My heart still has a deep calling to become an established streamer within that community... I keep wondering if this detox will go past 90 days so I can have a better relationship with games or if I will have to just stay clear off games altogether?  One day at a time. I will finish this detox.

Grateful to keep pushing myself to beat this anxiety, to exist, live, breathe, see, listen, hear, talk, read, and the determination to make change in life!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 39

Fate? A higher power? Coincidence? My mum is in the ICU in septic shock. May not make it. Another big life event that happens to take place during my detox.

This is a painful, stressful and sad part of my life I would numb with my addiction. Best thing I have learned during my detox is to take it a day at a time. Some days will be really, really tough. Grounding myself constantly, not pushing others away, and dealing with all the emotions.

Grateful to exist, strength, listen, see, hear, walk, talk, support, willpower, and persistence.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amazing progress man.

There's so much going on in your life lately. It's really inspiring, and I mean it, how you try to take things as they come despite they can overwhelm you sometimes with emotions, positive or negative. What do you think? This "grip" you are developing in your life, letting everything come to you and experiencing the way it was meant to, instead of retreating into games or whatever and bottle them up inside? Do you think it's a positive change or just meh? I'm no one to judge, but I believe you're handling it fine. Even if there's struggle it should be welcomed as a force of change. There's good inside you, you can do things with that power. Life is but a learning experience. 

[I try to not make it obvious but I have a huge crush on stoicism.]

Best wishes to your mother, hope she turns alright ^^

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 41

The death of my mom was... incredible really. She was suffering, her organs had shut down and we made the best choice for her. The staff in the ICU was kind and understanding. My family prayed, singed, cried, laughed, and supported each other. It was great getting to meet family again. Mum's final moments... one hell of an intense moment that was shared by everyone around her bedside. After taking her off the ventilator, her heartbeat slowing down, holding her warm hand one last time, witnessing her last breath.   What a way to have her leave this physical world, surrounded by loved ones. This is not good bye, for she will live in our memories. If there is another life after we depart the physical world, I'll see you there mom.

Grateful to exist, strength, see, listen, hear, talk, meditation, music, reading, and my girl for regardless of the stupid shit we fight over,being with me during this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 42-44

Funeral arrangements... they really are a learning experience.  Taking my time so mum's remains are buried in a location where she will be treated with respect. All of the cemeteries nearby our family are horrendous.  Financially the family does not have the funds for it. Not rushing anything, looking and gathering more resources. One step at a time.

Life on life terms. If it weren't for the detox.. I'd probably be high and gaming. The appeal was immense, but it was a very sad life. To use all this time and energy to learn, grow stronger, and progress for a better life. No amount of online achievements compare to it.

Grateful to exist, strength, willpower, support, walk, see, hear, listen, read, family, and meditation.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share