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90 day detox


ChewyChickenBones
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7 minutes ago, ChewyChickenBones said:

Taking responsibility for my actions. It's been hard to accept.

I am grateful I completed the detox, I gamed today, food, girl, car, hear, talk, see, walk, think, change and apply.

How did it feel that gaming session, mind to share? (learning about post-detox sensations is relevant too) 

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9 hours ago, Hitaru said:

How did it feel that gaming session, mind to share? (learning about post-detox sensations is relevant too) 

I was more excited waiting to play during the detox. It has been ok, it is fun to team up with friends again. The familiar ambience, it was nice to be there.

I let myself go yesterday. 1 hour turned into a whole day. Time flew by but my mind felt numb. I had barely eaten well, exercised, never saw the daylight.. I even skipped a shower. Just played..

I can live that life again but it does not serve me. That anxiety was dead yesterday. My mind was focused on games... but that is not the way I want to deal with it. What drove me to move around during the detox was using all that anxiety to do something. I could not stay still.

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I am playing with no passion.  It makes this feel.. empty. Not thinking clearly, and staying still. Ugh.. I'm thinking that getting off games will spark up that anxiety again. Thing is... if I do not face real life, I'll never overcome this. I really thought the detox would fix it all. In my experience it juat showed me how much I closed my world. 

I really like all the progress I made in real life. I am going to continue. As much as it pains me... I'll unplug again. Time to keep working on life.

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25 minutes ago, ChewyChickenBones said:

I really like all the progress I made in real life. I am going to continue. As much as it pains me... I'll unplug again. Time to keep working on life.

Exactly! Keep going bro, it only gets better!

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I love the Iron Giant.

One day at a time. Did a lot today, and managed to watch Coco again. This year I have gotten rid of a lot of clutter, and hoarded items. A few things left, have them ready for when I need something to do at home.

I keep myself busy. If I can't stop moving, I'll use it to clean up my life.

Taking it easy this night, happy to be home with my girlfriend.

Happy new year everyone.

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On 28.12.2017 at 8:52 PM, ChewyChickenBones said:

I was more excited waiting to play during the detox. It has been ok, it is fun to team up with friends again. The familiar ambience, it was nice to be there.

I let myself go yesterday. 1 hour turned into a whole day. Time flew by but my mind felt numb. I had barely eaten well, exercised, never saw the daylight.. I even skipped a shower. Just played..

I can live that life again but it does not serve me. That anxiety was dead yesterday. My mind was focused on games... but that is not the way I want to deal with it. What drove me to move around during the detox was using all that anxiety to do something. I could not stay still.

Made the same experiences as I tried out to game after my detox. Binging instead of having fun. All these bad habits returned pretty fast. I decided not to game anymore after this unpleasant experience.

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Going to be online for a few matches later tonight. Setting an alarm next to me in case I start to lose track of time.

I'm pushing myself to meet more people. Met five people today. Not sure what to say next so I worked afterward.. one step at a time. I'm happy I was able to do that. Setting up the next piece of the plan. Getting out of my work comfort zone. No more persona. I'm me and I'm here to be confident and happy.

Breathing. Lots of deep breaths. Some moments can feel rough but it'll pass.

I am grateful for my family, friends, girlfriend, walk, talk, see, hear, listen, courage, water, and kindness.

 

Did some competitive Overwatch matches. It was interesting to see how aggressive, defensive, and wired players are to win the game. I used to be like that, it drove me with adrenaline to win the game. It was an intense feeling. I used a lot of energy doing that.  It was... toxic. Throwing fits, whiny, bratty.

I'm playing because I'm not seeing my girlfriend for a week. Time goes faster and I wanted an excuse to be here. I feel weird saying this.. but playing games is not the same anymore. Maybe comp games are not my thing anymore.

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
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Working a heck of a lot. Have been enjoying going to the movies. Managed to watch Justice League, The Greatest Showman, and The Shape Of Water. Good flicks. Jumanji tomorrow.

Some gaming here and there, get bored of it pretty quick. Fun while it lasts.

Looking forward to my days off. :)

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
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Hmm... my girl returns tomorrow. It was a long week without her. Played games to keep myself busy late night.

Took my dad for breakfast this morning. Really good to spend time with him. Not working OT for the rest of the week. Got doctor's appointment and need rest.

My online friends on OW are really hooked on it. I'm not into it the same way. I'm not a hardcore player anymore. Kinda sad... but that was a past chapter. They're even feeling anxious over how stressed they get from the matches. Eehh... I'm not going back to that. I want to play games to relax. That is not relaxing at all. I'm going to find another group or just solo queue. Only on for a match or two either way. I game because I get very focused on the game. A way to relax to end the week.

It really upsets me that I cannot play with them. They part of my support during my detox. Oh well, our relationship with games may not work but there are many more topics we can talk about.

Looking forward to Jumanji later tonight.

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Jumanji was pretty good!

Today is a good day. Dropped the nephews off at school, then went to my doctors appointment. A lot of tests set up. Really like the doctor.

Ran into a little wall because my insurance does not cover my prescription. I'll find a way so it covers it. :)

Cleaning my car at the lot, left all the doors open and saw some people eye my car and want it to check it. I'm right next to it so I got a little defensive, just saying it's mine.. I gotta say it felt damn good.

The airport stresses people out. My official job is to document passengers but it really feels like I am their therapist. Some encounters are incredible and memorable... then there are the days I deal with the aggresive and mentally ill. It is hard to help these people. It's not a job where I am not able to help them heal. I just uphold policies. The ambience is very volatile, one amazing experience can be followed by some entitled brat. It is hard because I truly want to help everyone. I see others in the industry who have become bitter at everyone. That is not me.. that being said I'm no longer taking the verbal and emotional abuse. I stop them in their track and set a boundary. It was tough get there but I'm happy I have done it.

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
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It's been four days since the procedures - extremely happy to say nothing serious was found. Just a small hernia. Been on a high fiber diet and physically active. Feeling exponentially better.

Was very nervous before the procedure. There is was a very low chance of things going sour due to the sedatives.. so my anxiety kicked in thinking of the worse. There was some discomfort after the procedures was blurred/double vision.

Games - I am using them as a way to reward myself now. I do not get to them until the end of the day. Some days I am so exhausted I do not even hop online.  The relationship with games has changed and I am glad. The detox was a long needed break to get a good look at the way I was living life. Also found a new group of players who play for fun, way more fun and relaxing.

Finally got a haircut - looking mighty young!

Upcoming weeks have plenty of doctor appointments. Running much needed maintenance/tune up on my body. I had ignored it for a very long time. One day at a time, growing stronger every day. Time is finite, use it well.

Grateful to be alive, see, listen, hear, eat, walk, talk, breathe, learn, read, and stretching.

I do not like my job somedays. Love my coworkers tho. :)

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
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How do video games serve me?

My anxiety goes away. I do not think of any stupid stories because I am too focused on playing. Any little noise no longer bothers me. Why? I'm playing my games!

... there has to be a healthier way to deal with anxiety. During the detox I would have a lot of anxiety... I could not stay still!!! I had to do something!

Why do I get so anxious? I want to know everything.  I want to be in control. With games, I accomplish it. I am king. I am the master. I am..... tired and sad. Why? It's the same thing.. I top the online leaderboard. I beat the secret bosses in the highest difficulty. I am known as a very good player. Yet it's all online.

It's easy to stay in the digital loop when I play until I am exhausted. No time to think about life. Fuck do I feel really tired, a little disoriented, have mental fog, and fell behind on my tasks.

I do not want to experience that anxiety again. It's nightmarish to let the stories pile up.

Games are a double edged sword for me. That anxiety is GONE. In exchange I devote all my surplus time and energy.

.... I am considering another detox. Fuck I do not want to experience that anxiety again but fuck being stuck where I am!!!

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Time for another detox!

Day 1

... aaaaaand right off the bat life is already throwing challenges at me!

Last year was rough financially. I hit depression deep. Took two months off work and just gamed. Exhausted all my sick hours, and risked getting fired. The union, and my companies understanding and kind HR department helped me stay keep the job. I had to open up a lot... why I was depressed... mom was sick.. that I had been seeking help with therapy. It was tough but I was honest.

For years my credit score was near 800. Then I stopped caring. I stopped paying and allowed debts to happen. Yesterday a debt collector company called my grandma's house. I was fucking furious! My finacial problems ARE MINE. I tore the manager a new one and told them to never contact my family again. She even told me they would call my employer to look for me. Time to tackle this debt, but this practice is definitly harassment. I'm running this through a law firm.

My loud ass neighbor. It was great putting on my gaming headset and not listen to her spout hate. With my anxiety I cannot help myself to know why she is loud. I want to know what it is. Her conversations are always talking bad about someone. I'm sure I have been in those conversations. She tried to steal my trash bin, I got it back, and advised the property owner. The hell is up with her? I have always smiled and said hi!

I have added positve music to my life. It's a great way to keep positive.

I am grateful to continue on the road to improve life, leave addiction, grow stronger, hear, see, listen, walk, talk, learn, apply, eat, and exist!!

@Cam Adair and everyone in the GQ community Keep up your progress, it is inspiring!

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
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Day 2

A little sick but feeling good apart from that. I'll shower, put some good music, and get to cleaning up the place. I was gaming so much I stopped caring.

Had several dreams last night.. already feeling that anxiety. It'll pass, it'll get better. I do not like those moments but it's all about thinking positive, and grateful.

The timing of these detox are great... I'll be moving out of this environment into a better one by the time the detox is done. Will I go back to gaming after 90 days? Maybe.

Having a girl who still games and asks if I could game in moderation makes this a little annoying. She may be able to get off after a few matches. I kept going because I wanted to keep winning.

Feeling down but it's time to get off and do something.

I am grateful for living, walking, eating, reading, see, talking, learning, stretching, music, breathing, water, and determination.

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
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Is there something wrong with me??

It's my day off and I wanted is to watch a movie with my girl. She did not want to and I felt upset..but ok I'll go alone then. She starts going on and on about wanting to spend time with me. Her tone, and volume anger me. I just left. I could not stand it. My stomach was really irritated too...

She keeps saying I have a bad attitude. Keeps blaming me.

Well... how can I not feel pissed when I want to leave the house to do something other than game. She just tells me I have to learn moderation. Great fucking support. Can't do something I really enjoy. Told I should just learn moderation.  All while she games.

Is it really me? I just want to be alone right now. I am really stressed.

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Hey there seems to come up a lot of shit for you lately. It is always you. It isn't always your fault, you definitely don't are guilty all the time but it is always your choice of how you react to other things incluencing you. This seems rather harsh but it is empowering because your behaviour is changeble in opposition to the people around you. Also life is a btich an will always through challenges at you. That isn't just that is jsut reality. But challenges give you the opportunity to face yourself and your behaviour and how to improve them.

This was more a general philosophical rant but I can relate to your situation with your girlfriend. As I started here I was really focussed on myself and how to improve me. I asked myself what is good for me? WHat can I do to become a better person? This wasn't all abd but gone to far. My wife started to be feeling left behind.

Try to talk with her if you both have calmed down and look behind your first reaction on her anger. Most people doesn't just get angry towards people they love because they are assholes. They are feeling hurt. I am sure there is an issue behind this which just isn't clear to you. Maybe she feels alone in her own struggles now that you spend more time thinking about yourself. Maybe she has something entirely else on her mind. Maybe she jsut had a bad day and didn't eat enough. There are so many reasons. Be interested in what it is what's bugging her. Not just that you can fix it but because you want to know and understand her.  

 

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@WorkInProgress thanks a lot. I took some days off to really think over and apply what you have said.

Environment... I'm glad I only have two months left on my lease. The neighborhood has calmed down a bit, no more daily drivebys/gunshots just A LOT of police activity. Daily. My street seems to have a lot of issues. Life is a bitch... but I am making a change. We have worked and are working even harder for a better quality of life.

I refuse to hide back in games.

I am grateful to live, eat, talk, think, listen, take action, courage, strength, walk, see, family and movies. I really going to the movie theater .. lol

I really wanna say fuck it. I'm playing tonight and starting over tomorrow. I left the gaming message group. Came to journal since the craving kicked in.

I like to keep busy.  I breathe. Breathing helps. Slowing down the thoughts. 

Edited by ChewyChickenBones
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I had a pair of beat up shoes. The material was really nice. Yet once it soaked up water and never looked the same.

I refused to get new ones. I was gaming. It was not necessasy. 

I stopped being stingy and got a new pair. Real life progress feels really good. Much better than opening loot boxes.

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