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thehondasc00py

Quitting games, starting Uni, developing my consciousness and other short stories

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Yooooo

My name's Simon, and I'm 19 years old. Gaming really took off for me with WoW, I must have been around 12 or so, Wotlk days, also owned a PS3, dabbled in LoL - my most recent and the game I deleted this morning - , some other stuff.

WoW has always been the big one, I played on and off, pick it up for a month of three, get burnt out and drop it for a while but always come back. And it was cool, I don't regret the time I spent on it, or on other "world-games" I'm very passionate about like Skyrim, I have fantastic and nostalgic memories, and it put me on my current path which I'm fundamentally grateful for. Anyway, I don't doubt I will pick it, and other games, up again someday in the future, when the next expansion comes out or whatever but I do plan to quit for the next 3 months because I will be starting Uni!

And I want to focus completely on that, and on finding and building relationships with the people I meet there. As well as develop myself further, meditate, perhaps pick up some music production which I've dabbled in before. This is what my journal will be about. I don't think I will make it daily, maybe twice or thrice a week or something. See how it goes. Cool, hope it works out and I stay clean for atleast 90 days.

Here we go

Edit: Just glanced over some other journals and was inspired to write a bit more about myself.

So far, my life has looked something like this:

  • -happy childhood, inquisitve and energetic boy, fascinated by nature. i collected caterpillars, crystals, and made my dad read me books about dinosaurs, for example
  • -entered my first school, an international one. the group of friends i found myself in had already known eachother since preschool. additionally, i lived a lot further away outside the city than them. this meant i was a bit of an outsider, and making meetup plans was tedious
  • -i know from reading ancient email conversations between me and my classmates that i was super outgoing, confident, audacious, give-no-fucks-attitude in my early years.
  • -this changed dramatically in 6th´-7th grade when one boy in my social circle, well, one of my friends actually, turned on me and a downspiral of bullying, depression and insecurity began lasting a year or two until my parents pulled me out. i can only assume that this is where compulsive gaming really started
  • -i show up at my new german school an insecure, fearful loner, 8th grade
  • -nothing of interest happens until grade 10, but i was pretty shitty to my parents, and, well, gaming addiction
  • -grade 10 and everything changes, everyone chooses their new subjects which means classes break up, intermingle and reform, i meet new people, actually start interacting, this new player called Alcohol enters the game, parties begin, i start to break back out of my shell, make new friends, begin to rebuild my confidence
  • -grade 12, ive discovered self help and self improvement, ive made good progress, but i feel fake. i have friends and go out drinking to parties and clubs, but its fake. deep down, im still insecure, my nerves shook everytime before going out, my whole purpose in life was to become more confident, to get laid, whatever, eg i meditated, i found out about buddhist spiritual enlightenment and thought that was my goal, but in truth it was a pretext or facade for becoming more and more confident (its never enough), i still had low self esteem. gaming on and off here, cant really remember what i was playing but it wasnt the focus of my life in any case.
  • -the trash dump that is the educational system finally ends, having completely beaten all my inner childs fascination and curiosity out of me and left me a socially conditioned boy, but ive been working on myself, becoming more aware. on my gap year i make great progress, i solo travel asia for some months which was pretty transforming. the book "Pursuing consciousness - the book of transformation and enlightenment" by Peter Ralston was pretty instrumental too, it helped me so much. I feel on top of the fucking world.
  • -I return from travelling, and sadly, fall back into gaming and unhealthy habits. uni is still like half a year away and i slip into a void of recession. i try to return to the path here and there, but im no longer driven. the need that drove me before - becoming more confident - was gone, and i had not found anything to replace it. warcraft and nihilism!
  • -I do achieve one thing, which is seriously clean up my diet. its called the KETOGENIC DIET and if you have trouble eating cleanly, and find yourself craving snacks or sweets, or feel bloated and fatigued, this diet is for you. its EXTREMELY empowering.
  • -boom, present day, uni is almost here. FRESH START, this where life really starts. School was a bag of accidents, chance, and unconscious happenings outside of my awareness or control. Now I want to take my life into my hands, consciously seek out friends with shared interests, grow myself as a human being, make an impact on the world, find out what's out there.

That's my STORY. And it is just a story. The past doesn't actually exist, its merely a narrative that lives below the surface of my consciousness, yet defines completely this "I" living in "my" head, the "person" looking back from the mirror. I aim to become consciouss of who or what that really is, and to build a rich and fulfilling life. K, that was an exhausting wall of text but I felt like I wanted it compiled here.

without further ado...

 

Edited by thehondasc00py

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Day 1, I've been playing League intensively the past 2-3 weeks, I got an urge to pick it up and just went with it. I used to mess around in it with friends but never played too seriously, 3 weeks ago I decided to seriously improve at the game and climb the ranked ladder, just for those few last weeks before starting Uni. I did, but my routine has gradually deteriorated, Uni is around the corner, it's time to let it go now. Decided to quit last night, googled up some other game and LoL quitting stories this morning to back me up, found this site, deleted LoL and here I am. Didnt feel motivated to do anything today, watched netflix and lay around, but eventually broke limbo with a shower, cooked a healthy meal, will read a bit now.

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The best way is to Uninstal the  steam account.

I have been gaming for 7 years on my Samsung and I could get to a good streak of 13 days by not having the urge to game with no google play account.

Also what's important is to identify triggers like for me it is Saturday evening with no one around or night time.

Set yourself goals that keep you motivated.

Accept cravings as what they are

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Day 4

Ok, so day 2 was spent entirely on Netflix (oops), day 3 was spent half on Netflix, now on day 4 and have not been on Netflix yet. That's an improvement. Netflix is another distraction from turning inward and facing my issues, and a distraction from the suffering of boredom. At the moment I'm fine with a bit of time on Netflix though.

I believe I have a case of atypical depression. ""Atypical" symptoms are said to include "depression that includes the ability to temporarily be cheered by happy events, increased appetite, apathy instead of sadness, lack of motivation". It really kicked off last week where I felt like absolute shit. Now I feel pretty good mood-wise. I'm happy, infact last night I felt pretty great, but for months now I've been in this extreme rut. I can't motivate myself to get back to seriously working on myself. My earlier motivation - increasing confidence - is gone. I don't feel like being productive. I really should rebuild a routine but I just don't want to, I don't feel any real need anymore. I get small bursts of inspiration, like I watch a video about meditation, or I listen to an amazing piece of music and think "yes, I WANT TO DO THAT", but then I just smack into this invisible Resistance Wall, just smack headfirst, bam. I must have this serious subconscious block. Or a problem with my current brain chemistry.

My Mum put me on Prozac. She takes it herself for her own depression, I told her I would try it. I'm having second thoughts though. I just don't think I need antidepressants. Mood-wise I'm fine, I just lack drive. And I read about decreased libido and sexual dysfunction as side effects. I might want to try and find a therapist too. Finding good ones are hard though. Or maybe I'll just wait this out, moving into a new appartment and starting a new life is bound to shake things up. I'll take baby steps for now. I'll aim for going for a jog today, and sitting down and investigating what this inner resistance could be.

Edit: I'm also looking for an accountability partner

Edited by thehondasc00py

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Are you exercising? That will help a ton with depression symptoms, especially for drive and decreased libido. BTW, 48% of the Game Quitters audience meets criteria for Moderate+ Depression. So you're certainly not alone on that. Finding a therapist would be great. Also, what's your diet like? 

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Day 5

AWWWWW YISSSSS I'M BACK BOIIIIIIS

Yesterday, in the hours following my Day 4 entry, I felt ecstatic. I'm not sure what exactly happened. I cycled to the stationry shop to buy some organisational stuff for this new awesome new thing I'm starting (more on that later). As I cycled back, the sun came out. It had been raining and the blue sky reflected from the glistening streets. It was so beautiful. I decided to take a long detour, cycling felt so good. Cruising the wet streets in that damp, fragrant post-rain air, it hit me. Real life is incredibly amazing. I think I felt better than I had ever felt in my life. Sure, Warcraft had given me some cool moments, League had given me some cool moments, but nothing comparable to that. I felt like someone had spiked my coffee with adderal and half a pill of mdma. Would it last forever? No, and I knew slumps and pitfalls would come, but I also knew with complete confidence that I could and would be retuning to that state, with increasing frequency along my journey.

I eventually arrived home, put my bike away and went straight for a 15 minute run just for good measure, followed by a nice cold shower. And for the rest of the day, I wasn't even hungry or craving any food like I normally would, whatsoever. I realized cravings simply arise out of suffering. Perhaps boredom, perhaps subconscious issues, or guilt. Free from suffering, those cravings simply dissapitate.

That was yesterday. Today, I'm still going strong. I'm super psyched and motivated. I'm confident that I'm fully back on the path. Depression gone, dropped the prozac, I feel great.

Here's the awesome thing I mentioned. I discovered this browsing reddit. You choose one or multiple habits you want to implement. Then you buy paper cards, a board, and a fat red marker. Draw up a 7x7 (7 weeks; 49 days) grid onto the page. Write the habit onto the page, and why you want to do it. Now, for every day you sucessfully kept up with the habit, you draw a fat red cross in a box. After 49 days or 49 crosses, you have officially implemented that fucking habit.

Here's mine so far:

Habit_Board.thumb.jpg.7f8dbe581a3fbcaf69

Complementary subreddit (is linking allowed? will delete otherwise): https://www.reddit.com/r/theXeffect/

It's beautifully simple, and I feel really psyched about it.

@Cam Yup, am now+Paleo diet. Its all good! Thanks

Edited by thehondasc00py

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Day 6

What I'm grateful for today:

  • my supportive parents
  • the two pieces of art i acquired from ebay yesterday
  • having an internet full of resources at my disposal

Still going strong. I went for two runs, sat in reflection for some time, did some reading, met an old acquaintance, planned to go swimming but pool was closed unfortunately, cooked some A1 curry (although I did feel a tad bloated - considering going back to carb-free keto but I'm really enjoying fruit at the moment and don't feel like eating meat). I started to get ahead of myself and started reading this free spiritual development course, but realized I need to keep it SIMPLE and really focus on a small number of things - game detox, meditation, running, studying,meeting new people. For now, that is IT. No need to add in anything else and overcomplicate things. It feels really right.

 

 

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Day 7

Daily gratitude for:

  • living in a 1st world country with priviledges and opportunities
  • having a fit, healthy body

Ok, the 1 week mark saw a major dip in overall focus. I let myself go, watched a lot of netflix and binged on chocolate. I've come to expect pitfalls like these over my years in self-development, and I expect to majorly turn things around again tomorrow. If I cannot control my urges for distraction, I will have to officially commit to a Netflix detox and NoSugar as well. Keeping those options open allows me to fall down.

So fuck it, I'll go for it. 100 or nothing, baby. Premortem this shit:
Let it be known on this day that I choose to return to a strict ketogenic diet and incur an ironbound NetflixQuitters 90 Day Netflix Detox. Reasons being as follow:

  • complete abstinence from artificial overstimulation of the brain
  • remove the option of running away from my problems once and for all, remove the easy way out
  • detox the brain from sugar, fuel it with moderate, natural foods
  • introduce hardship into my life (life's not always gonna be comfortable and easy, get used to it)
  • face problems, face suffering, face cravings, face fatigue, face boredom. no running.

Upon noticing cravings or doubts, I shall return to this journal and gather my wits, remember my reasons. A game or show flashes into my mind? It's a temporary mental image arisen out of nothing, keep calm, fire up the GameQuitters podcast.

Unfocused, tired or unmotivated? Crash onto the couch and read or listen to podcast. Relax, done.

Ok, all set? 3,2,1, go.

Edited by thehondasc00py

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Hi there good job on making a plan and going the first steps. Be carefull not to overdue it. I personally got often excited about big chancesand planning them out. BUt after the firstexcitement is gone you need to stick to the plans and that's when it gets boring and hard. You will the doubt your past decisions and fall back in your old habbits. Plan for that time in front.

Make big plans but start small . If you'll do it the hardcore way and go for A whole ban of all your bad habits this is gonna be hard after the first motivation fades. I would focus less on cutting bad things out of your life and more on ways how to build good habits. I.e. do sport everyday, read meet with people you like. If you still try it that way this is ok but then I would add some stakes to just writing here. A possibility is to give a friend a substantial amount of money which he has to spend on an organisation you hate (i.e. klu-klux-clan) if you fail your well specified goal.

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@thehondasc00py Firstly can I say, I'm loving the intensity! I'm totally feeling it smack me right in the face through the computer screen. WHAM.

Reading through your first week, we're connecting on a lot of levels here - personal development, keto diet, Asia gap year, falling on Netflix when trying to stop gaming, chocolate binges... You're not alone.

I'm going to be following your progress with the X Effect excitedly. I've never heard of it before, but it sounds and looks promising. If it works out I'll need to give it a go myself.

In other news, curiosity has taken hold. You mentioned you acquired two pieces of art from Ebay. Do you collect art? I've just never heard of anybody buying art from Ebay.

Hi there good job on making a plan and going the first steps. Be careful not to overdue it. I personally got often excited about big chances and planning them out. But after the first excitement is gone you need to stick to the plans and that's when it gets boring and hard. You will the doubt your past decisions and fall back in your old habits. Plan for that time in front.

Hey WIP, this really stuck out for me, I'd love some more elaboration on this. Planning to for when things inevitably get hard sounds smart. How would you go about doing this? Do you sit down and focus on coming up with some backup plans, similar to Cam telling us to have a backup activity for each category? Are you trying to anticipate for failure that may arise or are there any tools you use in the process? 

PS I'm also looking for an accountability partner

I have no idea how to be one of those, but so long as it doesn't require too much time, I'm in.

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Hi there good job on making a plan and going the first steps. Be careful not to overdue it. I personally got often excited about big chances and planning them out. But after the first excitement is gone you need to stick to the plans and that's when it gets boring and hard. You will the doubt your past decisions and fall back in your old habits. Plan for that time in front.

Hey WIP, this really stuck out for me, I'd love some more elaboration on this. Planning to for when things inevitably get hard sounds smart. How would you go about doing this? Do you sit down and focus on coming up with some backup plans, similar to Cam telling us to have a backup activity for each category? Are you trying to anticipate for failure that may arise or are there any tools you use in the process? 

PS I'm also looking for an accountability partner

I have no idea how to be one of those, but so long as it doesn't require too much time, I'm in.

I do two things: First I try to fokus on the most important changes and go all in on them. For example while I first started my detox I only fixed no gaming and let the rest of bad habits optional (netflix, browsing, porn...). I kept an eye on them but I didn't vowed to because I knew that I first had to strenghten my discipline.

If I am honest I just tried to make the barriers as high as possible so that I couldn't return. Because I knew that my self-discipline is really bad.This meant for me deleating my steam account and installing linux on my home computer. I also made it a habbit to always tell it here and to my wife if I fucked up the things I planned. Basically if you don't want to eat sweets anymore make sure not to buy them.

Also make sure that when you fuck up even with high barriers you'll have to endure negative consequences directly. One interesting approach is it to give money to a friend who ahs to donate it to some really bad people (klu-klux-klan/ or anything you reall hate) if you fuck up. 

 

An accountability partner is just someone to talk/write to on a more personal base. Best you two just make an arrangment which works for both you timewise. Every week a skype call/ long email  is a nice modell.

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@thehondasc00py

I have noticed that LoL is a super addictive game. I don't play this personally myself but this is coming in a big way into the high schools in my city. Just wanted to know from your experience what is so addictive about this game? Are there randomised rewards at the end of each match??

thanks so much. I've enjoyed reading your journal. 

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@thehondasc00py

I have noticed that LoL is a super addictive game. I don't play this personally myself but this is coming in a big way into the high schools in my city. Just wanted to know from your experience what is so addictive about this game? Are there randomised rewards at the end of each match??

thanks so much. I've enjoyed reading your journal. 

It is jsut the league system and the short circle of games.

Also there is the illusion that you could get a better team everytime you load a new game. Either you get a flaming shit team or some team were everything clicks and you got awesome teamwork (which is the most fun thing ever). It is like a one-armed bandit. Totally addicting. Was the hardest game to quit and gave me the most benefits.

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@WorkInProgress does that mean you are assigned to a different team each match?? So there is a luck of the draw aspect in entering each new game with random players?

thanks

yeah you get random teams with people with the approximately the same skill level (out of the same league)

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