Ramblings of a Random

[Random]

Day 15

Just a quick log today.

Daily routine checklist:

• 5 minute mobility exercise and 1 session of Headspace after waking up - Done
• Go for a walk - Done
• 15 minutes stretching exercise - Done
• Work on thesis for atleast 2 hours. - Done

Today I was expecting to make one work related skype call at a certain time. Just a quick call and a bit of planning. The anxiety started building up hours before. I did one Headspace session right before the call and it actually worked pretty well, I felt like my nervousness levels dropped a lot, even the physical symptoms. I noticed during the session that my pulse was really high. I haven't really paid any attention to that in myself when nervous so that was news. I kinda knew that pulse gets higher when excited in a good or bad way, but it was different to actually observe it. Hoping the benefits of Headspace will get even better with continued exercise!

[Cam Adair]

Hoping the benefits of Headspace will get even better with continued exercise!

They will! Good job taking action to do a session of meditation when you found yourself feeling nervous.

[Random]

Day 16
Missed yesterdays log because I went to a board game event in the afternoon that took much longer than expected.

Daily routine checklist:

• 5 minute mobility exercise and 1 session of Headspace after waking up - Done
• Go for a walk - Done
• 15 minutes stretching exercise - Done
• Work on thesis for atleast 2 hours. - Nope

Progressed a bit with getting professional help, I now have an appointment reserved with a psychologist. It's in the end of February though so a bit of patience is needed. Apparently a lot of students are pretty messed up because the que is so long.

[Random]

Day 17

Daily routine checklist:

• 5 minute mobility exercise and 1 session of Headspace after waking up - Done
• Go for a walk - Done
• 15 minutes stretching exercise - Done
• Work on thesis for atleast 2 hours. - Nope

Overall a very nice day. Enjoying the meditation with headspace more and more. 

Working on the thesis goal is proving a bit problematic now. Can't be very proud of slacking on it, but I guess it won't help much if I, on top of the slacking, ruin my mood lamenting about it. I'll try again tomorrow and set a little subgoal of 30 minutes.

No urges at all to game today. Except boardgames.

[Cam Adair]

Start small and try to get out of the house to work on it if you can. Helps a lot!

[Random]

Start small and try to get out of the house to work on it if you can. Helps a lot!

This is very true. Actually I used to do this quite a bit couple years back and it did indeed work really well. I disliked to study using my laptop so I would go to the uni to study because there I could use actual keyboard and great monitor. Haven't done it ever since I purchased my own keyboard and monitor.

Day 25

Wow, the days go fast. Not much difficulties with staying away from games. I have had some very realistic dreams though where I am playing and suddenly realize "DAMN what have I done.", etc. Then I wake up and feel very relieved that I don't need to pay the fine of 100€ to my SO. And after those dreams I absolutely don't want to play in reality.

I've been mostly sticking to the daily routines of:

• 5 minute mobility exercise and 1 session of Headspace after waking up
• Go for a walk
• 15 minutes stretching exercise
• + gym about once a week

I think these are slowly becoming a habit, I don't feel right anymore if I don't do it. And I truly enjoy the activities, escpecially the meditation and walks. I have to say, I was a bit sceptic about the meditation with an app, but I'm a believer now.

While I've worked on the thesis here and there, I haven't done it every day, not even close.

I'll be returning to work next week and have to work on the thesis on evenings and weekends. At the moment I'm not that worried about the thesis. I don't have real rush with finishing it (other than financial motives). And at least rationally I'm fine with a low grade, so I pretty much need to just write twenty five pages of something.

I think I've learned some valuable things during these 2 months of not working. Hopefully I will believe my own writings when I read them in the future.

• The work is not making me depressed and unhappy. Dropping out of work didn't solve anything like I thought it would. It felt very nice in the beginning to be completely stress free but after that I think my state got worse than it was before.
• My problems with work come from stressing way too much over everything and dealing with people (aka. social anxiety). So I have to stop ignoring those issues and work on them. Maybe change careers if I still can't handle it. But I need to act on it and not escape the problems (I reached out for help already). I can stop fantasizing about just being home doing nothing because I now learned (again) that it will only hurt me.
• My lifestyle while working was unsustainable and I will do my best to not fall into the same pattern of pretty much only working and gaming.

[WorkInProgress]

These dreams are pretty common. I and many others had them too. Sometimes our brains are strange

[Mad Pharmacist]

 

I think I've learned some valuable things during these 2 months of not working. Hopefully I will believe my own writings when I read them in the future.

• The work is not making me depressed and unhappy. Dropping out of work didn't solve anything like I thought it would. It felt very nice in the beginning to be completely stress free but after that I think my state got worse than it was before.
• My problems with work come from stressing way too much over everything and dealing with people (aka. social anxiety). So I have to stop ignoring those issues and work on them. Maybe change careers if I still can't handle it. But I need to act on it and not escape the problems (I reached out for help already). I can stop fantasizing about just being home doing nothing because I now learned (again) that it will only hurt me.
• My lifestyle while working was unsustainable and I will do my best to not fall into the same pattern of pretty much only working and gaming.

Yep, we're all designed to work.

I believe that retirement is unneccessary unless you have health issues, becuase people during retirement are becoming sad, because they don't have any more goals in their lives. It's like waiting for a death.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[Random]

@hycniejsy I agree about the necessity of working on something, but of course the work doesn't necessarily have to be a job in traditional sense.

Day 34

It has been smooth sailing when it comes to gaming, no urges to play at all during the last few days. Going back to work was OK as well, it's pretty nice to be around coworkers again. Also got a better work contract with a bit higher salary. No more stress over renewing temporary contract, it's great!

I've added a new rule for myself which is no phone in bed. Helps me fall asleep faster in the evening and if I wake up stressed in the early hours, I'll at least get some rest instead of tiring myself even more by surfing the web until it's time to get up. Overall things are looking pretty good at the moment.

Daily routines

• 5 minute mobility exercise and 1 session of Headspace after waking up
• Go for a walk
• 15 minutes stretching exercise

Weekly routines

• Go to gym atleast once a week

Abstain from

• Anything related to video games (playing, watching videos and streams, reading patch notes, etc)
• Surfing the web in bed

 

[Mad Pharmacist]

That's pretty awesome you feel good overall!

Sometimes I see that the more time you spend without your Internet mindlessly browsed, the happier you're.

That's probably what science confirms, at least should

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[Random]

Day 49

And the time just flies by. Occasional cravings to play have entered my mind lately, but nothing to act upon. I guess they're more like fond memories I wish I could experience again, without actually playing. Still no intention to get back to gaming even after detox. I like the freedom to choose my activities and do other things than playing, without the distracting thoughts of "lost gaming time".

Been sticking to the same old routines.

[Random]

Day 63

Two thirds of the detox now gone. I've been reading books much more in my free time again. I can concentrate on a book for long periods and am able to draw a lot of enjoyment out of it. When in gaming mode, I pretty much stop all reading.

I was in a birthday party where the main topic of discussion seemed to be video games. It was much like talking about a tv series I haven't watched and have no plot. "X is so good if you can play it, but not many can". "Y played right, you won't even notice him even though he won you the game". I can appreciate talking about games when it's about a good story line, lessons on life, etc, just like I would like to discuss a movie or a book. But I can't get much out of "Champ Z is so OP", "Yes, but champ Y with item O will counter him" if I don't play the game.

[Random]

Day 80

I'm glad I made it so far and I can only humbly thank the community here. I couldn't do this alone before but now I have almost "completed" the 90-day detox, and still have absolutely no plans of going back to gaming.

Lately, I haven't had the power to go for a walk everyday after work. And I think this is okay. When I wasn't working, it was important to get out of the house everyday, but somedays now I don't have the time and energy to take an extra walk (on top of cycling to work). I've stopped doing the 15 minute stretching exercise, but that's just me being lazy.

So here's the updated routine list:

Daily routines (weekdays only)

• 5 minute mobility exercise and 1 session of Headspace after waking up and before leaving for work

Abstain from

• Anything related to video games (playing, watching videos and streams, reading patch notes, etc)
• Surfing the web in bed

I've surprised myself by not surfing the web with my phone before falling asleep or after waking up at all. I read books instead. Now that I've really got back into reading again, most of the time when I mindlessly surf the web, I get bored of it really fast and it feels like a too big waste of time for something I'm not really enjoying. That's when I switch to reading a book.

[Random]

Day 92

It's been long enough that I've forgotten my dislike towards gaming and now only remember the good parts. I miss the feeling of excitement.

It's these moments, after coming home from sports activity with a social component, having eaten, things at work looking pretty good and not much to worry about... Oh dear, this would be the perfect moment to play something. This is the moment when it would feel right to play. But I won't.

And now I know again that I am on the right path. In my books, it would be okay to play for an hour now. I would not see any problem if I right now played for an hour. It would probably do me good to play for a moment right now. But my fallacy is that I am thinking in the short term. I've tried and tested it 100 times that I am not able to play in moderation. I just can't do it. Therefore I will not play now. I am now thinking of all the countless of hours in the future where I would be playing when I would like to be doing something else. It's not worth it to play now.

Aaaand now I remember all the bad things I disliked about gaming. The urge to play just vanished completely. Oh the joys.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Random
More thoughts

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Reading this one helped before bedtime. Thanks for following through.

[Random]

Day 165

It's been a while since my last journal entry.

I played one round of table tennis on Wii at a party but that's it when it comes to gaming.

Working takes the most of my time but other than that my past time is filled with pretty simple activities.

I read quite a bit of both fiction and non-fiction, take walks and go jogging, lately I have been learning Python again to program a tool to aid me in investing, watch movies, cook, research new investment opportunities and follow the companies that I am invested in.

I still do my mourning routine of a quick mobility exercise and 10 minutes of meditation before leaving for work.

That's it, quitting gaming is not a magic pill in itself but it helps tons. For me gaming was like a lifeboat in a pool with dark water. Outside the pool you see all these things you think you would like to experience but you're too afraid to leave the lifeboat because you know you can't swim and can't see the bottom of the pool. Quitting gaming was like jumping into the water, panicking for a while but realizing that your toes actually barely touch the bottom of the pool. It didn't matter that you didn't know how to swim but until that point you had been so scared of the water that it paralyzed you. Slowly and struggling you make your way to the edge of the pool and get out. Now, you're out of the pool, but you're still wet, cold, hungry and exhausted. You no longer have access to the food storages of the lifeboat. So now you're no longer suffering because of the depression and regrets of an unlived life and missed opportunities, now you're suffering because of completely different reasons. Suffering is inevitable but comes in different intensities. Pick your poison carefully.

Apparently The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson influenced me more deeply than I thought.

One more tip regarding social activities:
If you feel like your'e an complete outcast in the world, you just haven't connected yet with the right persons. Even if you were the weirdest person on this planet (weird defined as all your values, habits, humour, well the whole you being furthest from the average on some scale), you would probably be able to connect with the 2nd, 3rd or 4th weirdest persons on the planet. It took me more than 20 years to find persons outside of my family who I connected with so well that I often prefer their company to being alone. I still haven't learned to appreciate noisy groups of people or small talk, but then, why should I (and by now believe me I have tried)? One could say that I could then network better but to serve what purpose? To get more money doing more things I don't enjoy? To be more appreciated by larger number of more people? It would probably make me less appreciated by some people so should I somehow change myself to please different group of people, or stay the way I am and please the same group of people I already did?

Anyway, still happy to not be gaming. Will continue on the path.

[Mettermrck]

Hey, Random, love the lifeboat metaphor. Yes, I'm discovering that quitting gaming isn't the magic pill by itself. For me, it's the bandaid being ripped off, exposing the actual wound to my eyes that I can't ignore and have to face.