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DeepSpaceAI

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  1. 40/90 Wow, it's been a really long time since I posted a status update. I'm not sure what to say entirely. I feel pretty sad and unfocused at the moment. I feel like things should be getting better and I should be making the changes that need to happen so I can live a better life. But I'm not. I've considered relapsing a few days ago, but didn't have the time to, so I eventually talked myself back. It feels wrong to post after such a wide gap. I can't really say things have been different, but I've continued making minor adjustments to make working a little more comfortable for now. However, maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on the idea of having a perfect life after 90 days. Typing that makes it sound unrealistic. I finally did some more of the Respawn modules and I think that helped to give me a better outlook. I have some more concrete plans moving forward. For now though, I think I should call it a night. I feel bad about leaving this post as is but fuck it. Got to shatter the ice and get back into the groove, as they say.
  2. 31/90 Phew, yesterday I was unable to finish my work until almost two hours after my shift was supposed to end. It was inevitable because I came in and my co-workers were still cooking stuff up and until 7ish. Also, one of my co-workers who was supposed to close with me ended up getting stolen and had to do main checkout. I did my best to get it all done, but between a mountain of dishes and being unable to really start closing down some equipment until much later than usual, I just couldn't get out of there on time. On the bright side of my shift, I got to chat with one of my co-workers and invited her to play some D&D. To clarify my intent, it is purely platonic. I honestly thought it could be a fun way to make some friends since she said she liked board games. But, anyways, our banter was probably the best part of my shift. Today, I think want to try going to the library. I want to pick up one book and actually try reading at a realistic pace (before I got a book and finished it in two days which made the pile I had checked out a lot more intimidating). I also remember that there are some volunteering opportunities there. It might not be exactly what I am looking for, but I wouldn't mind getting some more information. Gratitude List: Thankful that my one of my co-workers and I have similar interests.Grateful that my financial situation looks like it's in an upswing.Grateful for my Mom helping me get food a week or two ago. I've still be relying on that supply.
  3. Thanks for the feedback Mettermrck! Yeah, I definitely think I was ready to let go from day 1. Thinking back, I almost don't feel like I was playing for myself most of the time. However, the time I spent watching video game stuff on Youtube and playing games on my phone consumed my time and life. Even when I tried to moderate in the past, I had never said no to those things until now. I feel like that's the biggest reason why it was so easy. Your second point reminded me that I actually was really excited at one point for the adventure ahead. The first thirty days has kind of been a roller coaster of emotions. My primary focus was to resolve some issues I was have in my University (trying to not get bad grades) and getting a job since my financial position was about to leave to me homeless. And I think I was more or less successful with both of those things. I think I stopped being excited just because those two things took a long time to accomplish. This really is the first breather I have had since the start of my detox and I think it's the perfect time to get excited and try out more things. Thank you for reminding me this is supposed to exciting and not to get terrified of that step 2. I think I may have been hyping it up the wrong way.
  4. Ha ha, I can really empathize with not wanting to be stripped while working out. I wear boxer briefs so I don't think you should be too concerned about shorts on a leg press if you wear longer underwear. I also tuck in my shirt which helps when I do dead lifts and squats. I gotta agree with Onlysoul a little bit though. You're bound to show off more flesh than you normally would at the gym. I think you may be overthinking the compliment. I sympathize with you feeling distant from your wife but you guys are just friends at the moment, right? Perhaps you should invite her to workout with you or to try marriage counseling, something that could rebuild that relationship. That's what it sounds like you want, but don't take my word for it. You should do whatever you think is right. I also empathize with wanting to step up your performance at work. That's sort of the process I'm going through right now but on a more existential level. Honestly, that part is way harder than the 90 day detox. Keep up the good work Bob!
  5. Hey OnlySoul, It looks like you're making great progress! I really like your spreadsheet. Learning a new language and reading seem like really productive activities. I'm not sure what language I should learn though. I really like how reading has measurable growth attached to it. Honestly, I never thought about reading only a few pages a day since I usually binge on media (like watching 5-10 episodes of a TV show if it catches my interest). I guess I always had the expectation that I should read a lot if I want to get into reading. I think your model has given me something to aspire to. Keep up the good work!
  6. 30/90 Wow, 30 days down. And... It felt easy. Really easy. So easy, I am questioning whether this is the change I was expecting it to be. I know it was step one of changing my life into something great. But... I have no idea what step two is. Make friends? I think that's what it was supposed to be but I feel really lost with this step. How do I break this step down? Find people I want to be friends with? Think about what kind of people I want to be friends with? Know myself well enough to know what the best relationship for me is? Fuck. Honestly, I didn't start feeling depressed until I started considering what I should post today. I can't really say why some overwhelming emotions overcame me while I was writing. I guess one big thing that I'm still trying to understand about myself is how out of touch I am with my emotions. Well, I think I've calmed down a bit now. I suppose I feel like I'm using my time poorly. I didn't really do much of anything today. It's kind of weird, my outlook at the start of the day is much different from then to now. I started the day with a goal in mind (pick up my first paycheck and deposit it into the bank) which I did. But afterwards and even beforehand, I didn't really do anything. Around 6 or so, I had exhausted my go to activities (Youtube and cartoons) so I decided that I'd work on developing one of those programs I mentioned a couple of days ago. I made myself familiar with some of the math I had done to analyze the Collatz Conjecture. Basically, (at the risk of giving the answer away) I found patterns that reminded me of Pascal's Triangle and recursion. Because of the way I'm visualizing it, I think I'm really close to making a program that could predict the number of steps it would take for any number to reach a 4 -> 2 -> 1 sequence. The only flaw that I'm trying to wrap my head around is that how I've abstracted the problem is also subject to the same freakin' pattern. I'm not even sure how that's possible, but it's really interesting to me. Also, I may have over exaggerated that having a program that does this could be considered a solution because, if that were the case, then even a simple program that follows the two formulas given in the conjecture until a 4 -> 2 -> 1 sequence is reached could be considered a solution. Anyways, I think the next step I'll try to take now that I'm a little more comfortable with my job is to find volunteer work. That seems like it could be very rewarding for me and I think it could have the potential to let me make some friends while being fulfilling in other ways. I'm not quite sure where to begin with this task either, but it feels less daunting and vague than a goal like making friends would be. Gratitude List: I'm grateful that a lot of great things in life are free. Specifically music comes to mind right now.I'm grateful for the small spontaneous things that happen in life to keep it exciting.I'm grateful that despite having only a couple of friends that I still have someone I can be completely honest with. (Edited for a minor grammar fix.)
  7. Thanks Onlysoul! Strangely enough, every time there is confrontation between my roommate and I, it only affirms my beliefs that I am going through the right process. Our relationship is complicated because of the history we have together and because we live together. I have planned out (essentially) how I am going to deal with him. I've offered him other ways for us to connect, said I don't want to talk to him about video games (which I think in reality has become, "I don't want you to bring up gaming news"). I'm considering moving out, but my financial state is also a bit complicated. For now, I'm tolerating the situation.
  8. 29/90 I thought I might do something different today. I want to focus on just making a gratitude list, and potentially adding one to every daily post. I don't really have anything to say today other than I felt I got to connect with my co-workers a lot more today. Gratitude List: 1. I'm grateful that my co-workers are all so friendly. I've really enjoyed their company so far. 2. I'm grateful to the people I interact with here. You all inspire me to seek more out of life. 3. I'm grateful for politics (oddly enough). It has been enjoyable, challenging, and interesting to spectate. 3a. I'm grateful to the hand full of people I follow who show conflicting angles to real life scenarios. In a way, politics and learning more has let me feel as if I was engaging more with the world. 4. I'm grateful to have a job now and feel more control with my survival.
  9. Hey Tom! Glad to see you're moving forward in a positive way. I like your gratitude list! I think I might try making one as well.
  10. Thanks Bob! I truly hope that I can make the extra positive changes to make my life great. I feel the next step (now that I'm somewhat comfortable with my job) is committing to writing here daily and continuing with the Respawn program.
  11. Damn, it sounds like you've made some really amazing progress while I was away. I'm glad to hear that despite the adversity, you actually faced those challenges and overcame them in healthy ways. Being supportive of your wife is good. I may be too far from the situation, but it sounds like you still want your marriage to work, if nothing else. Being jealous of her financial success seems pretty natural to me. To give that a positive spin, it just shows you're hungry for even greater things for yourself. That desire to push yourself to even greater lengths is a feeling I've really been trying to capture and use myself. It really sounds like you're on your way to those greater things. Keep up the great work man!
  12. 28/90 I know I haven't been taking this detox as seriously as I could be. I think that is evident with somewhat infrequent posting here for the past week or so. Yesterday and today (as in the day before yesterday and yesterday since it's past midnight as I write this) was my first real weekend since I started working. I lasted my entire ten hour shift, only really starting to feel the pain during the last two hours which I stole (I was still working but ideally I should have been done when I was scheduled to leave). Then I had this weekend. Overall, it felt like it was a daze, especially yesterday. There were moments where I would lie on my couch and stare at my ceiling, almost dreaming while I was lying there. My thoughts kind of went all over the place and I think it's how I usually felt watching Youtube for a long period of time (gaming gave me a dopamine/adrenaline rush so generally my mood was more positive afterwards). I guess I realized I was living my nightmare scenario of having dropped out of college (even though I haven't). It feels like that because I am genuinely asking myself whether college is the right thing for me. I had an argument with my roommate which was amusing. I tend to look at it in that light because I completely understand his motivation and I'm hyper aware of the angles at which he is trying to manipulate me and pull me back into gaming. I know because I feel like they were angles I considered at various points throughout my life. I actually experienced the fact that gaming is boring a long time ago. I started to learn about emulation and roms. For context, I grew up pretty poor and pretty much any money I ever earned before I was 18 all went to video games. Suddenly, I had access to every single game that I had only dreamed of playing growing up. With such a vast amount of choice, it made it hard to truly pick what games I wanted to play. Nothing really, truly met my expectations. I learned that it was boring. It was boring having so many options. It was boring not feeling like I earned a game and now had to commit to my purchase and the experience I had bought. It was the first time I had ever had an experience like that. I think that's what initially triggered my need to take gaming to the next level. At first it was Minecraft, then it was League for a long time. I digress. I had an argument with my roommate, which kind of made me aware of the flaws in how I am taking this detox. I'm not really taking advantage of the time I have now. Admittedly, instead of creating a new life for myself, I have shifted the weight of time spent on video games, game news, and Let's Plays onto anime and manga. But that's just as bad as if I was sitting on my ass and watching a video game stream, counting the minutes until I was finished with my detox. I can't deny I haven't been doing the detox as well as I could have been. I blamed that on the transition from school onto work, but really that's just an excuse. I spent plenty of time perusing Youtube when I could have been setting some goals for myself and meeting them. Really, I had intended this post to be a little more positive because I thought of some good goals that can add the challenge I've been seeking in life. I think that's why I found school so boring. It never seemed to really challenge me. The ways it challenged me were because of my own laziness and inability to really engage, not because the content ever felt hard. I digress... Again, ha ha. My goals involve a couple of programs that I thought up near the beginning of my detox. The first was a project that I was offered a decent amount of cash for but I never really followed up on (nothing crazy, just a couple hundred bucks, which was a figure mentioned in passing). I talked with the person about this project again near the beginning of my detox and think it's a possibility that I can jump on for some good experience. My other idea was to make a program that solves an "impossible" math problem, which I think I found the solution for a month or so before my detox. It's called the Collatz conjecture apparently, and while I don't have a formal proof written, I think I could write a program that predicts the number of calculations that would have to be made to reach the 4 -> 2 -> 1 sequence. I could also verify by making a program that follows the two different formulas and prints the result until it reaches 4 -> 2 -> 1 sequence. It would be a lot more efficient than some of the online programs that do this because it wouldn't have to deal with the HTML/CSS/JS/PHP exchange/nightmare. I still want to engage with the lack of a social circle but I'm still frozen on this front. I have no idea where to even begin. I think I might just have to do it. My thought is to perhaps use meetup.com and try and meet some people for a hike or some other social outing. Well sorry for the ramble, I suppose I just had to get it all out. Thanks for taking the time to read that.
  13. Great work Bob! I'm glad you were able to get a handle on the no fap component, which is something you'd been working on for a while. I agree with Onlysoul about not focusing on weight. Personally, I think body fat percentage is a better judgment of health than weight. Admittedly, it can hard to totally avoid that number so if you do still set goals with that, it should never be more than two pounds a week (one pound from eating less, one pound from working out). I think the fact that you've been losing so much weight each week is a testament to how bad soda was for you. Keep up the good work changing your life into something you like!
  14. 25/90 Wow, four days since my last post. I'm a little surprised honestly. Thanks Mettermrck! I definitely find a lot of use out of therapy. That third party perspective has been really useful in various ways. Work has been pretty damn stressful. I got done with training the day of my last post and started working on the floor. I haven't been handling it amazingly, admittedly, because of some crazy pain in my feet. I know as I keep going it'll hurt less and less. There's been minimal guidance, which is a little frustrating to start, but I think that will translate into more freedom once I understand what needs to get done. Overall, it's been awkward adjusting and it's been difficult to engage my own feelings. But I'm trying to stay positive. I wish I could say more, but it's really all just been work. I feel like once I'm a bit more adjusted to working, I'll be able to use my time away from work a little more effectively. I'm just happy to have some money coming in so I can go out and experience some new things.
  15. 21/90 Thanks for the encouragement Mettermrck! I'm glad my roommate and I are able to have some other activities we can do together besides video games. Today was a pretty interesting day. I did more computer training today for work and I'm going to run a cash register for the first time. I'm thankful that work is so much closer than it used to be. I can walk there in less than 10 minutes! During my therapy appointment, I got some really heavy shit off my chest, so much so that my appointment extended for an extra hour for us to talk. I had a lot of emotions coming out of it that I'm still feeling, even now. Then I bought some cheap but nice work shoes. I was worried the quality might be lower because of the price, but at the very least I have my full uniform now. Today's been pretty busy and I've had a lot less time on my laptop than usual, which feels like a nice change. I made plans to get back into working out again tomorrow, which be nice. My friend and I only managed to work out for one day during finals week. I'm thankful that we'll be able to start again more regularly. I also think I want to make more friends that are girls. If that eventually turns into a romantic relationship, great, but I think I'd be satisfied just making friends like that. I want to make more friends in general. A pretty alright day, I'd say.
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