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seriousjay

Jay's Epic Journey

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Hey Jay, good to read your latest update. The key that Ramit is talking about is that you need to build positive momentum, and the easiest way to do that is to start small. That doesn't mean over time you don't raise your standards and/or set ambitions higher, but you have to build momentum in one area first before you can do so in others.

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Hey Jay, good to read your latest update. The key that Ramit is talking about is that you need to build positive momentum, and the easiest way to do that is to start small. That doesn't mean over time you don't raise your standards and/or set ambitions higher, but you have to build momentum in one area first before you can do so in others.

Hey Cam, thanks for this! That does make a lot of sense. On that note, I already have some ideas for things to mention to my accountability partner that I'll want him to keep me accountable for.

I didn't make a post about yesterday yet so here it is, although there isn't a whole lot to say. Re-reading my journal is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I don't know why. Probably has something to do with how good of a place I was in at that time compared to where I am now. I actually read something that spoke to me in Changing For Good that might be related. It mentions that people who are in the process of changing something they don't like about themselves tend to look to the past and feel a lot of fear and regret, whereas people who have successfully changed a habit for good are more optimistic and look forward to what the future holds.

I definitely feel like I still do that.. regret the past, albeit rarely. Especially about how I've gotten this far without nurturing good habits towards money as well as self-motivated work. It's made things a whole lot harder.

Just gotta remember Cam's sig.. "You can only start from where you are." :)

For my evenings, still gaming so again not a whole lot to say about it.

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OK, post about today before I go to bed.

Reading the journal still making me feel uncomfortable. I got into it in detail in my previous post so I won't say much else about it. I've been getting through Changing for Good bit by bit in the mornings before I have to leave for work. It's actually making a lot of sense to me, the idea of stages of changing. Seems like completing the book might be worthwhile. Also, I haven't actually tried a cold shower for the last couple of days. I've been waking up around 5 but not getting up right away due to tiredness. Not getting up until about 30-45 minutes later. I'm not going to bed terribly late so not really sure what's going on with that. Though I have a feeling it's probably due to eating too much + eating too late at night. Stomach digesting during the night so not really getting proper sleep.

Yeah, that's about it for that.

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Though I have a feeling it's probably due to eating too much + eating too late at night. Stomach digesting during the night so not really getting proper sleep.

Experimentation time!

Huh.. what do you mean?

---

So I worked until 10:45 last night and when I got home I just immediately went to sleep so didn't make time to write a journal post.. so I am doing that now!

I skipped out on the cold shower again. Nearly this entire week I've been getting up later than I usually do and still end up feeling a little groggy during the mornings at work. I'm going to cut back on the amount of food that I eat in the evenings as well as the lateness of it and see if that improves anything. This morning I feel a little tired but not to the extent as usual. Unsurprisingly, I didn't really eat anything yesterday since around 2:00 PM.

I found reading my journal didn't make me feel quite as uncomfortable as usual, which was good. I didn't find time to read Changing For Good though, unfortunately, as by the time I finished breakfast it was nearly 7:00 AM and we had to go to work.

I've been making it a point to not only avoid video games in the mornings, but also to completely avoid all the "usual" stuff when turning on my computer, like checking my e-mail. The very first morning after I committed to that, I almost instinctively went to check the e-mail but stopped myself short of it. I'm hoping that forcing myself into a different routine in the morning will help make it easier to make changes in other areas as well.

Thinking about it, I'm still a little shocked at how far back I've slid from where I was at not 5 or 6 months ago or so. I'm having a really hard time figuring out exactly how that could have happened. I know in my head I really want all these changes in my life but I'm having a really hard time making those changes stick for extended periods of time. I know it's probably useless to dwell on this but if I could just figure out why it's happening, maybe I can start taking steps to make these changes last. The only thing I can think of honestly is that I've been practicing bad habits for such a long time that it's simply going to take a very long time of struggling to undo them. Either way, there's no shortcuts here and I know in order to make good lasting habits, I'm going to need to put in the time and effort to make it happen. I feel like the approach I'm taking with my accountability partner might be a good step in that direction.

One other thing that's still bothering me is that my mind so often just immediately goes to negative thoughts quite often.. mostly at work. Just as an example, say I'll be climbing a ladder to go do something up high and my mind will immediately imagine myself falling off and breaking my leg or something. I know I don't want to work at my dad's business long term but nowhere near to the point where I'd want to get out of him by getting hurt. I'm certain that this is probably compounded by me still having a negative image of my subconsciously. Consciously, I feel like I have a lot of confidence in myself and I care a lot about myself but I imagine there's still some struggles going on in my subconscious regarding that. My accountability partner mentioned that frequent visualizations should help a lot with subconscious problems so I'll probably need to get on that relatively soon.

Well that's enough wall of text for now!

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OK so I forgot to write about yesterday once again.

And I actually don't remember a whole lot about the morning. I did read my journal a bit more and got through a bit more of Changing for Good. I've been doing a pretty good job of avoiding my "usual" stuff in the mornings before work so that's pretty good.

Work was pretty tough yesterday because I ended up having to do most of the washing by myself. It was one of those days that a while ago I probably would have lost it on someone but I think I've done a very good job of changing my attitude to just be more calm and level headed at all times. It's definitely something I worked hard on and glad to see it's sticking.

I ended up gaming again in the evening as well as watching a baseball game. I also ordered food as well but this time I ordered much less than I normally would have as I didn't fell all that hungry. Usually I'd order too much anyways but I'm happy that I at least didn't do that much.

Not much more to say about this one.

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OK.. forgot YET AGAIN to write a post about the previous day so here it is!

Yesterday was a really important day. Number one, I was able to fulfill my commitments to my accountability partner and to me that's a big deal. Very often in the past I've set plans and goals for myself that I begin and never finish (like going to college, which I dropped out of 4 or 5 times for example). This has been quite demoralizing for me as it's happened often enough that I become very hesitant to try anything new because the thought of "what's different about it this time?" starts to show up and I am scared to even start. With my accountability partner, what we've done is set up a plan for myself with small, manageable chunks of activities to complete in order to start building momentum towards the bigger changes that I know need to take place. I suppose this would be adapting the slight edge, in a way. Either way, I've tried the big, sweeping changes thing several times in the past and it hasn't worked too well so far, so it was time to try something new.

One very important thing we discussed last night was my partner asked me how I feel about quitting games at this time. I know in my head that it has to happen - I just don't see a life for myself in the future where being addicted to video games is of a benefit to me.. or even playing them at all. That being said, how I FEEL about it is a different story. It mainly comes down to the idea that I'm not confident I would be able to find enough replacement activities that I stick with within the detox period and would inevitably go back to playing video games. At this time, if I am so bored of video games that I really don't want to play them, I would end up just laying down on my bed doing absolutely nothing. During these moments, in my head I am saying "what the hell am I doing? I should be doing something productive!" but I can't seem to bring myself to actually go and do that productive thing for some reason. So at this time I don't want to quit games for that reason. The idea with my accountability partner being that I build up enough positive momentum with completing my commitments that quitting games and finding other activities becomes something that is a lot easier to do.

Another important thing we discussed was the idea of rewarding yourself for things you accomplish. I think this is absolutely critical to building your self confidence, but my struggle is that I have no idea how to reward myself. The thing that I would reward myself with are the very things I want to get rid of, like going to a restaurant or playing a video game. If anyone has any ideas on this, that would be much appreciated.

For transparency, here are the activities I have committed to this week:

  • no gaming in the morning (specifically this applies to work days where I used to sneak in a bit of gaming in the morning.. now I am not only avoiding video games during that time, but also if I turn on my computer to also avoid my "usual" things like checking e-mail)
  • watch one of the Game Quitters Youtube videos a day and make notes on how I can incorporate what Cam talks about into my life
  • have at least one day during the week where I spend no money on ordered food
  • visualization in the morning every day.. I want to stick to exactly one thing I want to conquer with this and at this point the most important one is kicking the fast food habit.. it is a strain both health wise and financially
  • posting about my day on GQ daily (for now, forgetting and posting about it the next day is fine)
  • read at least one page of Changing for Good daily

EDIT: Forgot to mention that if I do not fulfill these commitments, what we agreed upon is that my accountability partner would change the password on my gaming account so I would no longer have access to it.

Ok that's it for now!

Edited by jaylajkosz

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I think journaling and visualizing can help you a lot. Stick with those.

Yeah I think so too!

So today I managed to fulfill all the commitments I made. I also ended up uninstalling Diablo 3, the game I was playing, as well as Battle.net, the service that it runs on. I did install Steam again but I'm finding myself having no desire whatsoever to play anything on there. I did start re-installing Fallout 4 but quickly stopped that one as well as the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much of a complete and utter waste of time playing it would be. I honestly just have no real desire to keep playing video games, so I'm not really sure why I keep playing them other than to pass the time. My accountability partner mentioned that these are tell-tale signs of addiction and he's probably right!

Well that's about all that's on my mind at the moment.. about to head to bed. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

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Wow! Well done on uninstalling your games, I'm sure it will benefit you in the long term to have less games to run to. The next step would be do find new helpful replacement activities... How about scrapbooking and jotting down/writing ideas on your superhero ideas?

Great to hear you're chugging along well :)

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Wow! Well done on uninstalling your games, I'm sure it will benefit you in the long term to have less games to run to. The next step would be do find new helpful replacement activities... How about scrapbooking and jotting down/writing ideas on your superhero ideas?

Great to hear you're chugging along well :)

Yes that has been the challenge so far - finding different activities to do.

I managed to fulfill my commitments for today and it's taking me a lot less time than I expected it would. Might have to consider ramping it up in the near future. Today was honestly largely very uneventful so I don't have much else to say at the moment.

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OK I have to go back to work tonight so I won't have any time to do my journal entry later so I'll do it now. Although really there isn't much to say. I managed to fulfill my commitments for today. I stubbed my toe really badly last night and woke up with extreme soreness in it today so I thought maybe I might go home early from work, but I managed to push through it, so that was good. Also haven't played any games today or yesterday so things are going well.

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OK.. post for the day. So last night I ended up working until 4 AM and spent most of today just recovering from that. I'm actually more than a little annoyed at how little people seem to appreciate the lengths that I go to to help. This may in fact be more a problem with me than with the outside world. The other thing that annoyed me was that my cousin asked me to come in later again today after working 20 hours yesterday. I mean, that's not something I would ever ask someone to do no matter how desperately I needed the help. This is perhaps an unreasonable view given that I can't really expect anyone else to think as I do.

Anyways, I started installing Fallout 4 again and at no point did I ever feel like playing it would be worth it so I just uninstalled Steam altogether. I am however currently re-installing Battle.net and will probably end up playing Diablo 3 again. Probably for a day or two and then end up bored again.. I still just don't have much desire to do anything else except game when bored, but I also find gaming nothing but a time filler as well.

For my commitments for today, I managed to fulfill them all.

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Good job on your commitments! Maybe you should talk with your cousin( in a friendly calm way) over this matter. Standing up for what you feel is something really important which drastically improves your self respect even if some struggles and stress follow. It is your right to be appreciated for the hard work you do.

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Whoa, you're working so hard! 20 hours is extremely dangerous time per day!

I did up to 16 hours a day for 2 months, and then ended up with neurosis for a month. I don't recommend that.

You should learn how to relax on your own way to be more productive and live more healthy life!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Good job on your commitments! Maybe you should talk with your cousin( in a friendly calm way) over this matter. Standing up for what you feel is something really important which drastically improves your self respect even if some struggles and stress follow. It is your right to be appreciated for the hard work you do.

Good points. Not quite sure if I'm going to do anything at this point. It's so busy right now that everyone has to contribute a little extra for us to get things done so it's not like I'm the only one. Also, nobody asked me to stay that long, I just did it on a whim mostly.

One thing I've thought lately is that maybe I'm doing these things on a subconscious level in the hopes of receiving praise for it. Kind of like hoping for a hero's welcome the next time I show up. That probably is just a symptom of not having enough people in my life who genuinely appreciate me!

Whoa, you're working so hard! 20 hours is extremely dangerous time per day!

I did up to 16 hours a day for 2 months, and then ended up with neurosis for a month. I don't recommend that.

You should learn how to relax on your own way to be more productive and live more healthy life!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

For sure, heh. I definitely won't be doing that again.. probably ever!

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OK my post for the day.

I fulfilled my commitments today but it felt very lack lustre, like I wasn't really into it as much as I was up to this point. Also ended up gaming tonight as well.

I honestly don't really have anything else to say at this point.

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Hey Jay, you should find out why did you ended up gaming.

This is the best lesson you can get from relapse!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

I'm gaming because I'm bored, it's about as simple as that.

OK, forgot to make a post yesterday so here it is.

Once again was able to fulfill my commitments although for a second day in a row I was rather unenthusiastic about it. Also did more gaming in the evening. This is really starting to feel a lot like when I tried to play in moderation before..

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Well, what does it mean "more"?

If you're able to fulfill your commitments, maybe this is something you really want in your life? I mean, gaming in the evenings without neglecting your duties?

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Well, what does it mean "more"?

If you're able to fulfill your commitments, maybe this is something you really want in your life? I mean, gaming in the evenings without neglecting your duties?

Hey, I didn't mean anything special when I said "more". If you took that word out of the sentence entirely it would still hold the same meaning as I originally intended.

Yes, I do want these changes in my life. At least logically. In my head I know where I need to be at. The struggle has always been pushing myself to actually do the things I know I need to do. I get caught up a lot in emotions and allow them to control me and I think that's a big part of it. I also make quite a few snap decisions that I end up not feeling so good about, such as ordering food very shortly after a craving comes up instead of just riding out the craving and doing something else to distract me from it.

So I didn't do a post yesterday because I didn't feel like it so this post is for yesterday. Long story short, I failed to achieve my goals. I didn't write about a GQ video, I didn't read Changing For Good, and I was going good with not ordering any food yesterday until about 8 PM last night when I ended up caving.

So, I am resolving to make up for that today by doubling down on my efforts. I added two additional items with my accountability partner this week, and they are 1) to complete my tasks before I do anything that I would deem a for pleasure activity, and 2) to do at least one hour of work related to writing this week.

Additionally, instead of just saying whether or not I fulfilled my commitments I am going to go into more detail. Since I didn't actually end up doing what I said I was going to do there isn't much to say in this post but I am currently in the process of doing my daily tasks for today. Expect a post about it tonight.

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