In search of bravery

[Zala]

Day 39/90 getting close to my danger zone. I tend to relapse around day 40. Today I was already thinking: I got my life sorted out to some extent. How about an hour or two of gaming ...

I miss several people from this forum. A bunch of diaries I've been following are on pause. Relapse or just life?

[Daniel]

Don't fall for the trap. Keep going, stay strong. I read you have less time now, but have a backup hobby just in case.

[WorkInProgress]

Day 39/90 getting close to my danger zone. I tend to relapse around day 40. Today I was already thinking: I got my life sorted out to some extent. How about an hour or two of gaming ...

I miss several people from this forum. A bunch of diaries I've been following are on pause. Relapse or just life?

Good that you be aware of that. You#ll never know if people dissapearing relapsed. But I think a lot of people just try to live without an open diary because it has some privacy issues and the goal is to not need it anymore at some point. Maybe we'll see them return if we stick to the forum. I saw a lot of people leave and reenter the forum over the last two years.

[Vlad]

Thank you for kind words, Zala! I missed you too.

It's so odd how being a part of a forum group can be nostalgic. It's even funny but still true. I'm very happy that you're doing fine. I'm ok as well. As far as gaming goes I have just accepted that it's not my thing anymore and just don't even consider it.

I think life can be way more intense and unpredictable than any man-written plot. The feeling of boredom may be an indicator that you're underutilizing your potential. What are your big wants for the near future?

Edited September 26, 2017 by Vlad

[SlackRamen]

Hey @Zala, it's really encouraging to read your journey. You're clearly learning a lot, even as you relapse. I found it especially encouraging to read your first post of your current streak, where you went back and really tried to break down what worked and what didn't.

Now that you're entering your danger zone the real test is going to begin. I believe in your ability to see it through to the end. Stay strong!

[Zala]

Day 53/90 Got fired. Even though I did my best. Reason: to quiet and to stressed out/nervous all the time. First time in my life I did something to the best of my abilities and it wasn't enough. First time I got fired as well. Trying to see sense in all of this and pick up the pieces. I also quit my German classes to focus on a job so I can't really reunite with my old group of classmates. Shitty times all around. I'm an anxious person to begin with. Not really sure if this is a common occurrence in this country. Where I come from you don't get fired during trial period unless you are late every day, drunk, totally lazy, or don't want to listen to anybody. I did and was none of that. Anyway I'm afraid of being able to find another job, if anything it will be even more difficult now. And keeping it with me being scared and paranoid already ... 

Got this incredible urge to play. I've been dreaming about gaming for the last 3 days and I must say I wake up and I feel I really need to do this. Game for just an hour or so.

[WorkInProgress]

Hey Zala. That sucks. It is hard to shrug such things off.

But now is the time to stand up and try again. We all fail all the time. This hurts but it also the possibility to learn from it. If your able to get through this, and work towards a new goal again you'll benefit double. You can now prove yourself that you can do better as in the past.

You did a great job to get to Day 53. You don't need to play games. You want to.

It is no answer to go back fleeing reality if things get hard. The pain and struggle will help you to become more resilient if you face and endure them.

I really hope you get through that situation and I am rooting for you.

[Vlad]

Dear Zala,

I've been fired from a job that paid very well and the one I worked 70-80 hr weeks. It was emotionally devastating at the time plus my ex-girlfriend and I broke up back then. To think of it, none of it was a big deal and both those things changed my life in positive ways. It may be just my crazy ways, but I want to congratulate you. It's a good thing, you just don't know it yet. Getting fired for the first time is a rite of passage of an adult and it gives you a more realistic view on jobs. I'm absolutely positive that you will find a new job and do just fine. Once you change a few jobs I'm pretty sure that you'll feel very confident that you can take care of yourself no matter what.

As for the reason of being fired or laid off, as an employer I can tell you that there's a ton of reasons beyond employee's performance why companies let go, keep or promote employees. Those reasons may be impossible to guess in every specific case. Don't worry about that too much, just move on up. Take care and we'll catch up later.

[Zala]

Hello all. If I'm counting correctly I'm on day 78/90. So less than two weeks left. I apologize for the bad grammar that's all I can do for now.

@WorkInProgress Thanks for the kind words and an ass kicking. I guess that's the challenge a lot of the times. I sometimes plan on doing something, but then I just sit around not doing the thing. And I think to myself: "Why am I not doing the thing I should be doing?"  It's so simple, I don't feel like doing it. But I should just do it. It's one way or the other really. Does that make sense? In a way not doing something all day takes up more energy and time. Maybe I should work on observing myself or how should I put it. Being more present, really looking at what I'm doing.

@Vlad I seriously hope that something good can come of it. I guess I'm not on top of the hill yet, the view is still shitty atm. I went as low as I can go, sending CVs. And it's not going well. The irony is, if I were cleaning offices instead of going to high school and college, I would be able to get a job here. Which makes sense. If you have two 30 year old women: one has experience in cleaning, the other doesn't, I would take the second one. Because chances are she knows what she's getting herself into and is able to do a job better. It makes sense. Plus someone without college, high school degree might actually stay at a cleaning job longer and be more motivated. I'm not saying that's true for all, I personally feel very motivated. But in a way it seems like a reasonable thinking.

Anyway ... back to the 90 days. It doesn't feel like an achievement coming so far. Probably because after I got fired I went full force back to binge movie/yt watching. And I feel like it's really affecting me. Yesterday I forced myself to stay away from the computer and I got really nervous, weepy and depressed. I gave up at about three o'clock in the afternoon and just went back to sitting in front of the screen.

I used to be able to read books for hours and hours. Not feeling bored, sleepy, nervous. Now I don't have the patience. Even watching yt makes me nervous, so I jump from video to video. Or I watch random cute, funny pics at the same time in the other window. Even when I'm having a phone conversation with someone I tend to browse through pics and I actually got cought a couple of times not following the conversation. It was quite embarrassing but it didn't stop me from doing it again. I kind of understand that, as Cam said more than once, the real world is not as entertaining. You can't switch of, exchange, you don't get to go back and forward, you don't get the same boost ...

I feel like I need to go through a major system reboot by staying away from moving pictures. But I can already tell it's going to be hard as hell. I know I can expect being tired, depressed, angry, whiny ... I tried painting the other day. Not for me. I mean I like the fact that I can concentrate on one thing, but I had yt on the background the whole time. So not really what I was planning to do. Plus I don't need another hobby at the moment. I need a life goal, a true obsession, not a 3 times per week kind of a thing. Or a bunch of them. And I doubt I will discover after 30 years that I'm good at working with my hands. Handcraft was never my thing.

I guess tomorrow is as good of a day as any to start the change. 3.11 is a stupid day to remember, but anyway. Here we go. I hope in 12 days I will be able to get a head start on screen time as well.

[ChewyChickenBones]

Hey Zala, keep it up!
Some days can be incredibly hard, but know that you can always come here for support. Persist, dominate, and take it one day at a time. You can do it! 

[Megaman]

Hi Zala, I also got fired in my first job during trial period. I must say it was one of the best days of my life. Even doing nothing, is better for me, than go to a place where I do not belong. By the way, I think I was more positive than the other guys in my group. So I did not fit in at all. This experience and others showed me: In many cases it is great not to fit in and the worst thing I could do is to try.

[Zala]

86/90 Four more days. After I reach 90 days I will start a new journal. I hope that's ok / allowed. I think others did it as well. I already made it to 90 and I just disappeared and then I started gaming again. It makes sense to continue with the diary and stay in touch with you guys. But on the other hand new diary would give me a new boost. Plus there is a lot of non productive fiber in my diary, it needs a cleanup to be honest. So I have 4 days to figure out what my new goals are. Not that I haven't been to trying to figure that out already but I'm totally lost.

I had loads of privacy scares lately. I think I've shared too much. I'm worried about one person finding out that this is me. But I guess what is done is done. I still hope my story is not that special.

 

 

Edited November 10, 2017 by Zala

[WorkInProgress]

I have same worries. I shared it with my wife and my best friend and was thinking about just showing it all my fruends. But i was scard that somehow potential work colleaues would find about it. Thsts why i started a less privat new journal. It us a shame though becaause that open refection helped a lot.

[Hitaru]

Almost there @Zala.

Everyone has their own stuff going. Other people's reactions are their own. If you live with honesty, awareness and a genuine desire to improve yourself and yet other people react with hostility, you're obviously not the bad guy there, but them. You shouldn't spend any of your precious time around people who pretend to be perfect and flawless. And all of this assuming this person you mention would react badly to finding out your struggles. And that, in my experience at least, is a very big and improbable assumption. The majority of people actually want to connect, and nothing works better for that than vulnerability (which is a very distinct thing from "drama").

[Zala]

90/90 I guess this is it. I think I will start another topic with new goals. There is a lot of fiber in this diary anyway. Needs cleaning.

I desperately need ideas for lonesome meal times. Anyone? I can't just sit down and eat like a freak . I also can't not eat for 12-14 hours. For years I have been watching videos during mealtime. (I of course didn't stop as soon as I stopped eating.) And this will be a very hard habit to kick. As a kid I was reading books, comics but there is always a chance of spilling something. Don't want to ruin books. And yes, I am forced to eat alone. My friends and family are far away, are working or both. And I don't want to eat in a restaurant because it's expensive. And I can't eat my pasta on a bench outside because it's already too cold. I tried talking to myself or just listening to music but I hate it!!

[WorkInProgress]

Audiobooks or podcasts are your solution!

[Zala]

Thank you: Giving it a try in 30 minutes.