Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

Can you have both a superiority and inferiority complex?


Karma
 Share

Recommended Posts

Today was another good day.  Stuck with my morning routine, though I really didn't want to stay out of bed!  I did, though.  Did my stretches, wrote things I was grateful for, ate my four eggs with some almond butter.  It was good.  I got a bunch of things yesterday from a farmer's market that's every Wednesday near my work.  I got eggplant, tomatoes, persimmons, almond butter, strawberries, and garlic cheese curds.  It's a random mix to be sure!  But why not?

Today was really calm at work.  I also am working to build morale in the office and I'm planning this activity for everyone to work together in a team-building exercise.  I love that shit.  I love doing things like this that can bring people together.  I love moderating activities.  I love teaching and instructing others as well.  So that really turns my crank.  I got to buy some spaghetti, tape, and marshmallows to prepare.

I had given some feedback to an employee at the end of the day yesterday and I was curious what I would feel like.  I actually felt relieved after doing it, and today I felt completely fine about it.  I felt like I was sticking up for myself and really valuing myself as well as setting a positive example for others (he had a respect issue that I had to address... potentially awkward).

Podcasts are like awesome.  So I'm listening to many different types of podcasts now.  It's like books, so I feel like I'm learning.  I also can just listen to it while I actively do other things that I need/want to do, like journal!  It's better than just watching Big Brother UK and getting sucked into the "drama" of it all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, didn't update for a couple days on here.

Friday was another good day.  I ate my eggs and everything in the morning and everyone was pretty nice and happy at work.  I think when I'm in a good mood, it rubs off on others.  I noticed that I'm also not craving coffee as much.  I'm starting to have more tea, which is great for me since I can have tea without a lot of sweetener in it, while my coffee I load on with a lot of crap.

Yesterday, Saturday, was a learning experience and humbling experience yet again.  I was going to go to a friend's 30th birthday party.  I ended up lounging around the apartment without going anywhere for a bit and ended up sleeping off and on till like 4pm.  So I didn't make it to the party (it was 3-7pm, an hour away).  I got out of bed and made my healthy meal and finished reading my "Winning Through Intimidation" book and put on some podcasts.  There were a couple about social anxiety I listened to and they reaffirmed everything I've been learning through my past therapy as well as my life coaching.  It's about being vulnerable to others and grateful for what you got.

(Grateful for my warm bed and having a place to sleep away from the rain, grateful for booking flights to see my parents this holiday season and that I'm able to go, grateful for having friends who care more for me than I think they do.)

I facebook messaged both hosts of the party and explained, for the first time possibly, that I didn't go because of social anxiety and that I really like everybody and I was really mad that my anxiety took over and that I was sorry.  Both said not to worry, and one of them invited me to another gathering for next weekend at a haunted house.  This invite actually just came about like 3 hours ago.  You have no idea how nice that was.  I felt sure that this was going to be "the last straw" and that they would never invite me anywhere ever again and they would all unfriend me and just shun me for being so rude and mean.  But that of course didn't happen.  So I am grateful for learning that lesson.  I think it helped that I was honest with them, instead of making up some white lie like "Oh, something came up" or "I felt really sick" which were my old standbys.  I mean, I feel like I'm really weak and stupid saying I didn't go somewhere because of anxiety.  And abnormal.  And I don't want to be judged, but at the same time, I do want to be understood.  I really want to be understood that I'm a nice person who cares about people and that I want everyone to be happy and I just want friends and a mate and all the things everyone else wants in life.  It's so hard.  I made a plan yesterday that I would Facebook post to all my friends some of my struggles with anxiety, to come clean about it, and to just explain that I'm working on it and it's getting better.  I think I'll feel better when that's done.

Today I went to a pumpkin festival in the morning and a gaming group session over someone's house with 8 people in the afternoon.  So I was out from like 8:30AM to 9:30PM, so not too shabby.  Oh, and yesterday, I didn't just give up on the day.  I went out and went to a halloween store and bought a bunch of decorations for the office.  I'm very excited to put them up!  And the cashier who helped me was so nice.  There were some items on clearance, which is rare, so I got them but weren't sure if they worked properly.  She went out of her way to change the batteries and everything and test everything out to make sure they worked.  She also gave me a coupon code to save even more money.  Her name was Tiarra.  Very sweet girl.

And I am happy with my electrocution box, inflatable coffin, butcher hooks, zombie owl, and zombie doll!  Perfect!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am still consistently eating breakfast in the mornings, at least during the week (the weekend is not so consistent).  This is a big improvement for me.  This morning I had run out of eggs, but I had some leftover beef, eggplant, and tomatoes that I had cooked a prior day.  That had protein and fat in it, so it had a similar satiating effect.  By lunchtime I wasn't starved, though I did feel a little worse than when I would have four eggs and peanut/almond butter.  So I'm learning what's working.

Going to a fashion show (?!) on Thursday which is cool!  I guess they will be showcasing like LED clothes and stuff, it's very tech-industry focused.  Should be super cool.  Work for the most part has been excellent.  This ongoing drama with the employee and the feedback had another episode today, but it's nothing I can't handle and I think in the long run it will all work out.  In order to push through, we have to have some discomfort and some conflict.  Huh.  It's the same as improving oneself.  See, I can so easily see what I need to do when it doesn't involve myself.  To make a better employee, have the hard conversations early and hold them accountable, they won't like it at first and it'll be hella awkward, but in the end the relationship will improve way more than if you just ignored the issues.  Same can be said for personal development... if there are things you want to change, better to have the difficult conversation with yourself first and hold yourself accountable to make changes... it'll feel wicked awkward but then you'll be way better off.  Procrastination is a killer.

I also went to Whole Foods yesterday and bought some stuff... holy shit they're expensive.  It doesn't help that I decided to splurge on expensive cheeses, crackers, premade meals, etc.  But their food is delicious!  It's a little out of the way to get there from where I live, but their food is stellar and I feel great after eating it.  I had some persimmons from the farmers market last week with some cheese from whole Foods and some "artisan" crackers.  I found out I really like persimmons!  Never really knew that.  They don't have persimmons where I used to live, so I never had them growing up.  It's like a brown sugar kind of flavor.  Really interesting.

After listening to a sound healing podcast, I finally got my old Tibetan singing bowl out from my nook and started gonging it and burning incense.  Getting down with my mystical side.  It's nice.

Things on my to-do list now:

Sign up for swimming lessons at the swim club in town

Sign up for a sound healing class in the city (something I'm interested in)

Create a haunted house "schedule" with Jeff (the friend who has been kicking my ass in a good way)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Same can be said for personal development... if there are things you want to change, better to have the difficult conversation with yourself first and hold yourself accountable to make changes... it'll feel wicked awkward but then you'll be way better off.  Procrastination is a killer.

YEP! Great job with the food and can't wait to hear about the show on Thursday. I can see the positive changes you're choosing to make, really proud of you. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

OK, so I've been a bad boy and not writing my daily updates here....

I... have been afraid to make all the changes that have been proposed for me.  And I don't like that I feel this way.  I feel I can do anything I want.  But yet when push comes to shove, I have fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of being uncomfortable.  Fear of pain.  Fear of failure.  Fear of even putting myself in a situation I may fail.  Just easier to not even participate, so the failure is on my own terms, and doesn't feel as bad, because " I didn't really try anyway." 

My goal was to "give 100%, not 40%."  I have a really hard time going full throttle 100% though.  And I realize that this is not the way I'm wired.  Now, maybe this is me making an excuse.  Maybe this is me just not willing to give 100% for the reasons in the previous paragraph, and it's my ego protecting myself.  But even with video games, I tried quitting many times before I finally stopped playing almost a year ago.  And even when I stopped playing, I still watched Let's Plays for about 6 months before I had a 2-day relapse and once that happened I completely cut out the games and now the addiction isn't even there.  Every once in a while I'll replay some video game type thing in my head, but they are getting rarer and rarer.

So there's two ways for me to look at this experience.  I can look at it as... I make changes incrementally and then I solidify it after yo-yo'ing a bunch of times.  Or I can look at it as I wasn't committed till that last relapse and then I realized wow, gaming is a waste of time and I do not identify with it and I'm done.  Can I turn this switch to "on" without going through this yo-yo'ing?  Honestly... I don't believe yet I have this ability.  Which I hate admitting to this weakness.  I honestly don't believe I can just flip the switch because I don't have any experience of doing it.  I don't even know how it feels to do that.  I know my ex-boyfriend was the type who could do this... he said "I'm going to quit smoking" and then he just DID IT.  And I was like... wtf?  haha.  My friend Corey living in Vancouver is also the same way... he just can make changes like "that" and he actually doesn't understand people who can't do that.  It's kind of interesting from a neurological philosophy kind of thing.  But the fact is... I see myself as a certain way and how am I going to get there?

OK.  It's not all doom and gloom, though.  I have made a lot of positive changes incrementally.  I have still been doing about 40% instead of 100%.  But... what is 40%?  The activities, ways of thinking, etc, that make up 40% are IMO increasing as time goes on.

Let's look at all the things I said would do over the past week or so, just from my shoddy memory.

Eggs at breakfast in the morning?

Today, Sunday, yes (this is the first weekend day I have EVER done this)

Saturday, no

Friday, yes

Thursday, no

Wednesday, no

Tuesday, no

Monday, no

Stretching

Every day, no

Glass of water

Every day, no

Journaling

Every day, no

OK, this looks terrible.  However, there are other things I've done.  I am reading more.  I am listening to podcasts a LOT now and I am barely watching any TV at home.  And I have been researching a LOT about the paleo diet.  I'm sure this is the diet I am going to live by.  To me, it makes sense more than any other diet I've researched.  I have been eating healthy dinners for the most part.  There are two exceptions where I had fast food, and I felt TERRIBLE.  Yesterday, I went to Burger King and I couldn't finish the chicken sandwich and I took a picture of it and my face of disgust, to remind myself of how I was feeling at that moment.  Then I went to Whole Foods and bought a bunch of healthy food.  I've been to Whole Foods twice and though it's EXPENSIVE like holy shit expensive, I feel GOOD after eating anything from there.  So my mindset I can tell is shifting.  I also did social things last weekend with groups of friends and I'm chatting a bit more with people.  I talked to someone random in a bubble tea place on Friday, which I don't normally do.  Like, I'm doing little things.

Now, something else happened just today that was interesting.  Cam recommended seeing Tony Robbins in San Jose in a couple weeks.  My reaction, after some research, was to take a SECOND nap of an hour and a half today.  Why?  I realized that I was overwhelmed at the thought of signing up, including taking time off work and the expense, and also the knowledge that yes it probably would be great for me so the whole "fear of missing out", and yet, I'm already doing all these other things slowly but surely, and I was just like FUCK I don't even know if this is something I should be considering.  Now what.  Shit.  I'm going to bed.  So I did.  Man.

So I have been putting off doing creative things.  I think it was a divine sort of message that I looked on facebook 2 days ago and saw a post from a friend that she was joining the NaNoWriMo.  (National Novel Writing Month of November)  I was like.... well THIS will get me to start writing!  I have to write a 50,000 page novel in a month.  I have had so much feedback from different sources telling me to write more and to write in a stream of consciousness style like I'm doing right now.  I've had psychics tell me this, my coach is telling me this, friends have suggested it, etc.  So you know what, let's do it.

I still have these things on my list as well to do soon:

Meeting with a psychic (I have had this connection with him but have not yet met him, so I feel like I need to just do this), sound healing session (which may lead to signing up for some sound healing courses), a glass blowing course (im already emailing the owner of the place), swimming course (haven't done anything with this yet), taiko drumming (there's a groupon for it...), martial arts (i am overwhelmed about where to go with this), and... a sex club.  I'm living in a very liberal city with some interesting stuff going on and I want to experience what I can before I move.  I don't want to jinx anything, but I also interviewed for a job last Wednesday that I feel I have a good shot of getting.  If I do, I would have to leave the state I'm living in and it would happen in a couple months.  Soooo I really need to experience everything I need to in this city while I can.

I also did some walking tours of the city using an app.  I did one in a seedy neighborhood and I got harassed by one guy halfway through so I abandoned ship and powerwalked the hell out of there, lol.  But I think I would finish it later, just at a different time.  So I'm getting more adventurous and less fearful.  Even 6 months ago I would never have even done that tour out of fear.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there are people who can just switch and move in another direction? I literately don't know anyone of these super humans. For me small incremental change over a consistent periods works. You experience all the positive changes already. The main thing is to stay motivated over a long time and just move step by step in the right direction. Try just one of these things you plan and after that one another one. Don't be afraid to take some time for change. You did some great stuff already. That's awesome. Also I do like all these awesome ideas. Some of these things I would never do :) But that doesn't matter if you are interested in them, go and try it. I am definitely cheering for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I... have been afraid to make all the changes that have been proposed for me.  And I don't like that I feel this way.  I feel I can do anything I want.  But yet when push comes to shove, I have fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of being uncomfortable.  Fear of pain.  Fear of failure.  Fear of even putting myself in a situation I may fail.  Just easier to not even participate, so the failure is on my own terms, and doesn't feel as bad, because " I didn't really try anyway." 

My goal was to "give 100%, not 40%."  I have a really hard time going full throttle 100% though.  And I realize that this is not the way I'm wired.  Now, maybe this is me making an excuse.  Maybe this is me just not willing to give 100% for the reasons in the previous paragraph, and it's my ego protecting myself. 

I went through this myself. When I realized that "failure" was no longer attached with my ego it changed the game. We'll talk a lot more about this Weds, but for everyone else reading this, read Mindset by Carol Dweck. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I stretched this morning, ate eggs, drank water.  I listened to a podcast.  No porn this morning.

I am in the processing of signing up for a glass blowing class, which I think I'll take next week.

I booked a sound healing session for 5pm on Wednesday.

I booked a Taiko drumming class for 7pm on Thursday.

Why the hell not?  Having fun now.  I have this strong sense that I won't be living in my city for long, so I'm trying to enjoy what I can.  My boss today told me he was called for a reference, which is yet another good sign that I may get my new job which will require me to move. 

Let's see.  Brought a sandwich to eat lunch (saving money.  the cheese and meat were vegetarian-fed.  Yes, the bread is not paleo.).  Halloween at work today.  Dressed up as a crazy hobgoblin, people liked it.  Dinner was some terriyaki chicken I got from Whole Foods.  Ate some cheese and crackers.  Had some berries.  Drank some cashew milk with Vega smoothie.  Little bit of chocolate milk.  Definitely different than what I used to eat (like a frozen pizza, then tons of cookies).

But now I'm just kind of tired.  Physically.  So I think I'll go lie down and read for a bit before falling asleep.  Although I need to do dishes first, so I'll do that I suppose.

Looking forward to starting my novel tomorrow!  I did some brainstorming yesterday.  I actually have some stories and characters that have been in my head since literally I was seven years old that have evolved as I have gotten older, so I'm planning on using them and allowing them to see the light of day.  So that'll be neat.  And apparently "that'll" is not a proper English word, per this spell checker??  That's odd.

I did watch some porn this afternoon and it ended up taking an hour, which is typical... and I was like ugh this is a waste of my time.  I mean, if I can get 'er done in 5 minutes, whatever.  But, like, it's a time commitment man.  And it's obnoxious.  Maybe a pill would help.  LOL.  Mostly kidding.

This astrology podcast is bizarre, talking about Hillary Clinton's birth time and how it's been a mystery.  That's very odd.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today was day 1 of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo).  I wrote 1707 words today!  To stay on track for writing the goal of 50,000 total words in a month, I would have to write 1,667 words per day.  So I have about 4 pages-ish of text so far.  I'm writing kind of stream-of-consciousness style.  Like, my novel is totally going in a direction I wasn't planning on and it's probably a little cliche as well.  It's interesting how I'm combining real-life stuff into the novel and taking parts of me and putting them into my characters to give them some more three-dimensionality.

Ate eggs this morning and peanut butter.  Which is odd cuz I was starving at like 10AM and usually I was good till at least 11.  Drank water.  I did do some porn.  Listened to podcast.  Listened to a guy named Rob Dial and he sounded a lot like Cam to me.  Which was interesting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

I don't know if it's appropriate to start a brand new journal or just add onto my old one.  I think I'll just add on.

Hey, all!  My pride made me think I can stay off games without any help.  And I was wrong.  Posted in the relapse section.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome back! Like people have been telling already, it's not a sin to relapse, it's just a part of the journey. Sometimes we just face life changes and to adapt to them, we might want to go back to our old habits, which might or might have not required any conscious efforts to live on. It's not anything to be ashamed off. Of course all that is just self explanatory, but I just wanted to address my support :)

Hoping to see your new journal :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Even though I had stopped gaming, I still watched games on YouTube until April 29, when I had an experience with Spirit telling me to quit it already! (a story for another time perhaps)  So I had not played any games or watched any gaming videos since then.

Day 15

Fast forward to today.  Hoo boy, my temptation to game came on a bit stronger today, but I held firm and did not give in!  What was my trigger?  I was really friggin' lonely.  So I started reaching out to everyone I knew on like every social platform... I texted friends/family, facebook messaged people, instagrammed others, etc.  I ended up talking to my best friend from back home for 2 hours, which really helped.  It's very helpful to know what feeling you are trying to remedy by gaming and then eliminate THAT directly.  For me, it was the lack of connection, the isolation, the loneliness.  If I gamed, I could create an artificial connection with virtual characters and escape my problems.  But the cause of the feeling is that I'm not connecting to people, real people.  So I consider it a win, despite a major struggle.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Loneliness is a big one I think. I'm not sure if loneliness comes first and self medication second or it's more intertwined but I used porn and video games to block it out as well. As for your title, I definitely think you can have both. And it might be common I think, to have such a fragile ego that you build yourself up like nothing hurts and you need no one to cover it up. That's what I did/still do sometimes.

 

Being vulnerable feels like it would be worse than death and I am really impressed that you called in about those parties and told about your social anxiety. Really nice work.

I don't know how to do that myself tho with my issues. I've built myself up over the years as an uber chill, cool, even keeled guy. How do I come out and admit that I'm really terrified and people's opinions matter a lot to me? That I fear rejection worse than needles and knives.

Anyways, hit me up if you ever need to chat, we can exchange Whatsapp or something, and if you ever feel like you need someone to talk or to prevent a relapse, hit me up.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share